Boyfriend’s addiction is ruining everything. + he is sexting people online.

I need advice. I’m a 21 year old female and my boyfriend is 23. Friends for 3 years, and We’ve been dating almost a year. We both have very high sex drives as well as a lot of sex. I’ve always known he watches tons of porn and he also jerks off, however he had told me that he sometimes watches porn and jerks off before seeing me so he can “last longer” if we have sex and also that he jerks off usually 1-3 times DAILY. Really? Before he sees me? What kind of nonsense is that? I had no issue about him masturbating and watching porn. UNTIL I REALIZED HOW MUCH HE DOES IT!! Now recently I had a gut feeling something was off and I snooped and found an app on his phone he was using to sext other women. It was a few of them. I read some of the convos I felt so sick + disgusted. I can’t even believe this bullshit. How could he talk to other women in this manner and then look me in the eye and tell me he loves me?

When I confronted him it was a hot mess. he was literally bawling and saying he is sorry. He swore he wasn’t trying to hurt me and that he had felt guilty because he was doing this for a few week now. He was somewhat blaming it on his mental
Health. Said that his depression makes him feel so useless and worthless that he seeks attention from others.( I give him all of the attention and love and care in the world but clearly its not enough.) I let him know how I felt about all of this and that I personally consider this virtual/emotional cheating. He said that he doesn’t know these women and had ZERO intention of ever doing anything sexual with anybody besides me and that I am more than enough for him.


Why would he do it then? I asked him this question and he straight up told me he was sexting for validation and that it has nothing to do with me and that i’m everything he has ever wanted. Bullshit. I honestly feel disrespected that he would talk to other women in a sexual manner or seek sexual convos in general. The porn was one thing, but this is an entirely different story. Sexting is a form of cheating in my opinion. And I never thought this would happen to me.

I always felt that my BF and I have a VERY good sexual relationship. I know how to please him, I talk to him sexually, send him pics when we aren’t around each other, he sends me pics, etc. we also have a very good relationship in general, not just sexually. Or so I thought? This has honestly shocked me.


This all happened about 10 days ago. We’ve talked for hours and days about this all. He told me that he won’t ever do this again and that he loves me to death and that he will prove himself to me. He said he will stop watching porn and try not to masturbate. He told me that I can look at his phone whenever I wanted to and swore that I’m the only woman he wants sexually and romantically. I just don’t know if I believe him. I just don’t know what to do at this point. I’m very hurt and shocked by this. I can’t stop thinking about the convos I read. Him and I aren’t even talking right now. We decided to take some time apart. He is in denial about PA. I hate this shit so much. I’m gonna go insane, but I love him so much I can’t let go. What do I do?

 

Thanks for this. You are so sweet. It’s hard because this man is my first love. No one has ever made me feel the way he has made me feel and I have never connected with anybody the way i did with him. So seeing that he was sexting and masturbating with other women shook me to the core. You’re right, I want to so badly believe he will change and that his love for me will outweigh the issue. He keeps telling me that he can easily stop and that when he saw how badly it hurt me he knew he couldn’t continue. But I just dont know, seeing all these forums and other women experience this makes me think i’m better off finding someone else. I just feel lost.

 

I was thinking that as well. I feel like people can’t just change so easily. It hurts a lot and I know so many people go through this and I am way too young to deal with this bullshit. It’s just tough when you are so deeply in love with somebody that you can’t see yourself without them..and You just desperately want to believe they will change for you.

 

Thank you. You are right. I see married people go through this and it makes me so upset and sad for them. It’s just hard for me because I am so in love with this man. No one has ever made me feel the way he has made me feel. It scares me to imagine life without him at this point. But it’s true, it is not my job to fix him and he clearly puts his desires over my feelings. Relationships suck so hard.

 

I don’t know tbh. The thing is with him is that he truly thinks he doesnt have a problem. When I asked him if he does he kept saying no and that he trusts that he will never go back to this behavior. But I don’t think I believe him as much as I want to. He has a lot of anxiety + suffers from depression and I think that when he gets really low mentally, his resolution is porn/masturbation/sex in general. I want to help him but how do I help someone who doesnt think they have a problem

 

Oh my god I felt the same exact way about my boyfriend’s ex. It’s so crazy because she tried to warn me and I just thought she was jealous and spiteful. She messaged me on fb and said something along the lines of “good luck, he is going to cheat on you and ruin your life. He is evil and manipulative and I’m warning you.” And basically that feels like what is happening right now. People always say that men are usually the reason that their exes are crazy. And it’s somewhat true. I’m so sorry that you went through all of that. Are you still together? And how have you been coping with this? I try to tell myself that it’s not me and that I am good enough. But I somehow keep feeling like I couldn't please him enough or something. It’s crazy because he has wanted to be with me since we met and It took him a million tries to get me until he did. And now he does this shit? It’s so frustrating.

 

i’ll try to get him to join when we end up speaking again. Its been a couple of days tbh don’t even know whats going to happen at this point.