Our journey

Thank you for your support, and i dont get mad when i hear i should take care of myself. In my opinon its the best thing i can do, my wellbeeing is one of the few things i can change in this situation. Learning that i couldnt fix him/the addiction really took alot of my plate.

I guess my biggest worries about not caring is knowing the difference between shutting down becouse its to much to handle or if i simply doesnt care anymore. How did it feel different for you?

I think the main reason im shutting down right now is the big nest of lies, its just not one or two. I dont know how to feel about it, what lies hurts the most etc. Its just to much for my mind to grasp and process quickly. So i think im gona give it a few days and see if my feelings clears up

 

So today i want to vent about lies, becouse as i have said before there have been alot of them lately.

From lies about money to several lies about the relapses. Both from himself when he has done daily updates to me and when directly asked if he had relapsed. But the lie i found myself beeing most upset by is the lie about how he have had more feelings for me then normal.

And my question there is yea well where the hell are does feelings? Becouse he barely looked at me or spoke to me. Not to mention the lack of physical contact or affections, both of does thing did not exist at all. Instead he spend hes entire days in the office by the computer.

There is something about lying about how he feels for me to cover up a relapse that is beyond hurtfull, it feels rude and insulting. Its something that you should not simply do to someone else.

 

So another not so fun update today, i caught him lying about money again. This time i gave him then chanse to come clean himself, told him that i felt that something was of and i wondered if he had any reason why. I tried to not be aggressive about it, to really try to make him open up.

Well of couse it didnt work, he lied all the way untill the point where i pointed out that i know could you please stop lying now?

Lies about money have been almost as big of an issue between us as hes pmo addiction. And have had som pretty devestating consequenses for me, and im not sure if he doesnt realize that or chose to ignore it.

Adding to that, the big thing that happend a few weeks ago was that i found out that im pregnant. Short story it wasnt planed but i want to keep it. But i feel myself wondering alot now about how we can manage a child when money disapears that should be saved for things the kid will need. And i feel like no mather how hard i work, how much money i bring in it all goes down the drain. A normal family life just seem impossible.

As a last thought i cant help but to think about a possible relapse aswell. These things goes hand in hand, i guess time will tell if in right

 

Good idea, might make a separate post about that. I could really use some insight in how to handle hes addiction while having hormones that goes crazy, and all the thoughts that comes along with bringing a child into this

 

Yea i told him before it was confirmed, to make him included in whatever choice we made. I think i said above that it wasnt planed, so it was a chock for both of us but in different ways. For me the biggest chock was coping with all the changes, beeing a tired zombie that threw up non stop. For him it was more about am i ready for the changes etc.

It was alot of drama to begin with, he went from not wanting it to being really excited about a kid. To being a bit indifferent now, and thats a bit scary since i dont really know what hes thoughts about it is. And i think hes using the pregnancy as a bit of an excuse for the resent relapses.

We have talked about it alot of times, and made tiny progress in the matter. But its at the level of him not taking money from me and lying about it, to him spending hes own money in things forcing me to use my money for bills and gas for hes car etc. So its not alot of progress as i said, biggest change is that he got a job now after beeing unemployed for a year with me being the single provider for us.

I think hes lack of consequens thinking due to the addiction makes it hard for him to see the harsh consequenses it has for me when he spends money that we dont have. Like now he isnt the one with a student loan he has to pay back, with the money lacking becouse he spend it all its me. And even if i tell him that (and i did) he still seem to not be botherd so much about it. But he could potentialy ruin my future, making me unable to get an apartment or a loan to buy a house etc. And that is so scary, both the fact that it could happen and that he ignores to see it

 

So alot going on again, first of all pregnancy is exhausting and takes most of the energy i got.

I also got a new job, something i thought would be impossible with the pregnancy. My contract at my current place is ending soon and i didnt get an answere on if i would get a new one or not. So i decided to look for something new, and it took me under a week to get a new offer. The downside with it is that it is in another town, so i will be living there for a few months only being able to go home during the weekends. Being away from my partner that much makes me worried that the adiction will get out of control. But staying here isnt an option if we are gona make ends meet.

Another thing is that my partner is sceptical about my journal and me in general i guess. He says i only talk about him in negative terms. And i both feel like i should be able to write what i want here, since its the only place i got to talk about these things. And not sharing them at all is to heavy.

And for a more general view of things i dont know what he is expecting, or well i do but i dont see how it would acually work. He wants me to be suportive, loving and caring. And under normal sircumsranses thats reasonable, but at the moment we got relapses or another big thing about once a week. Normaly not giving me so much time to recover, so i have turned cold and distant. But how else would i survive this?

Truely feeling all the pain, loss and lonlieness with every betrayal would kill me. Or well i would not even be close to the same person anymore, so is it wrong for me to want to protect that last little piece i got left of myself?

 

So new day, new lie. Or well same as before but he did it again. I think its the 3rd time in two weeks that he have lied/tried to hide that he spend money on the game he plays. And a few 100 dollars in i cant help go start to think about banning the game, becouse nothing i say or do can make him stop.

But the main thing for me right now is all the blame i take, calling him out in this for an example wanting him to see the consequenses and take responsibility makes me verbaly abusive aparently. And yea im mad but i dont go for namecalling or say things just to hurt him.

And beyond that its partly my fault that hes depressed and feels lonely. And in extent to that im responsible for hes relapses. Even tho i pointed out go him yesterday that i can go above and beyond to make him happy, doing all the housework, making sure that he good homemade food for work and more or less offer daily bjs. And i did this for a fair amount of time of our relationship, i guess it was my desperate atempt to fix things.

But he was still sad, alone and turning to pmo. So the problem isnt me and what i do or dont do, the problem is something deeper inside him. But i guess its easier to point fingers at me then dealing with that.

Beeing blamed for things or beeing called abusive or a bitch when i raise my voice to say that this isnt acceptabe hurts alot. It makes me feel like its my fault that im in this situation and that im a worthless person that cant handle it better and give him what he wants

 

I know i havnt posted in a while...i work for 8 and a half hour and got a bit over 3 hours traveltime back and forth to work. So im away almost 12hours every day, being pregnant on top of that makes me exhausted 24/7.

And while i have been away working things have completly fallen apart at home. Not only have he relapsed hard and lied about it, he also spent most of the nursery money... So i need to work together more money for that and fix all other economical issues aswell.

About the relapsing i dont know what to say really, part from that i have known about it for a long time and i have tried to make him confess but all i get is lies. I still need something to point on or else he denies it, and that feels pretty childish. Why do i need evidence to prove it when both he and i know it.

Worst part is that he has been completly cold emotinally, to the point where i questioned if he still loved me. So going home during the weekends have felt more or less pointless, being ignored and treated as nothing is easier to deal with at a distanse.

And like all other times i dont know what to do. Im at the point where i feel like im holding it together just for the baby. Without it i would give up and fall apart.

 

Hes dad was an alcoholic, spending most of the time pased out on the sofa. And he says that hes very dedicated to not be an absent father like hes own. But i dont think he sees how he acts when hes relapsing. Like he felt the baby kick for the first time this weekend and was completly emotionless about it.

And that made me both sad and scared for the future. Like i said before i know whats going on, a kid doesnt. It will just feel rejected and unloved if he acts that way.

What scares me the most right now is that im away working for another 2 months and i cant see him cleaning up hes act while im away. I think he thinks that he will get away with things just cuse im not home...

 

Yea i totaly agree with you, sorting out the financial situation must be prioritised. I Think i was a bit naive and thought that he wouldnt take money that was suposed to go to the baby, even though i knew we had this issue.

And just to complain a bit more it really starts to annoy me alot, i almost make 3 times the amount of money he does but usualy only got a few dollars every month to spend on my self.

Im thinking about doing something basic for the moment, like having me in controll of the mayority of the money. If he wants something he has to ask me, something he should learn to do regardless of who of us that got the money. And then in the long therm do counseling when i get back

 

Thought i would do a quick update on my way to work on an incident that have been bothering me. When i was home this weekend, i think it was on saturday i told my partner that i was horny. And it might seem a bit pushy but just hinting doesnt always work.

Well anyway i was in the mood for sex or him playing with me, just some sort of sexual attention. Hes response to it was that i could bring the vibrator with me when i go back to work... I have never felt so rejected, like fine if he said that he wasnt in the mood. But the response you can take care of yourself was very hurtfull. And send signals like is he even atracted to me anymore?

 

Need to vent some more, im so angry and sad...and frustrated that i cant be angry and upset becouse i han feel that it stresses the baby. But how the fuck do you stay calm?

My mind keeps repeating vidoes and pornstar names that i had to see, the rejection i had to feel and the loss of financial stability. And i cant focus on things i normaly enjoy, like reading books while I travel to and from work. It makes my all ready long days feels like an eternity.

And i feel like all my efforts have been pointless, like why should i live in another city for a better job when we still end up broke? Why should I spend money on a cozy weekend away when he either ignores me or is moody? Why should I bother at all?

The question is still how do you manage to stay calm when you are heartbroken?