Any Fellow Lonely Feeling Married Dudes?

A bit ironic (perhaps) to say being that I'm on NoFap (please don't take that as an insult, I respect you all for coming forward to better yourselves)....

I've made some big strides in personal development... it all kicked off with attending Landmark Forum back in December 2014.... it turned out to be one of the best things I've ever done...

But.... since then... I've noticed that my consciousness...awareness...and all those wonderful words has taken off.... meanwhile the misses is.....well.... she's.... there.

No 'gusto' to do epic sh*t.... no natural inclination or drive to create a higher self... nothing... and ummm.... it's pretty lonely.

I don't have a desire to hand-hold.... it's something where all I can do is put a few nuggets here and there... but...as the adage says... you can show the horse the lake..but it has to drink the water itself...

But anyhow... holy crap is it lonely on an emotional level...

It feels like that I'm on a different plane all together... speak a different language... I can't tell you how often I feel despair when I get "deep".... existential... perhaps nihilistic to a degree.... and the response is the equivalent of the RCA puppy dog tilting its head. And I just do a facepalm (pick whatever GIF... the Jean Luc Picard one...the Ryan Gosling one... the Dos Equis guy... they all work)

Lot is a different Lot than what he was in 2014... Mrs. Lot is....whelp.
I think you southern NoFap members would say "bless her heart", right?

Maybe XXX has made me feel at least *something* to fill the void. Any other fellow lonely men who are lonely despite taking their vows and sought XXX as a mistress?

 

She's unaware of it.

 

ehhhhh-yup

 

Not to throw shade at a person I don't know.... but she was just going to hold you back by the sound of it.
I suppose that's a glass half full way for me to see this..... that it at least helps another out.

Romantic relationships solve JACK SQUAT.

Kinda reminds me of when Adam Sandler recently hosted SNL. There was this Italian vacation package infomercial bit. Classic. Without spoiling it too much.... if you were a boring no-fun a-hole in New Jersey.... you'll still be the same boring no-fun a-hole in Sicily... don't buy and then wonder why you're the same a-hole only to leave a bad review thinking it was the vacation company's fault.



The same thing with relationships. If you're a loose canon of a temper guy with a history of violence... she's NOT your special butterfly that will change you.... you're gonna give her a black eye at some point because you're still the same loos canon temper guy with a history of violence that also has a fap problem. LOL (at domestic violence? really, Lot? LOL? Oh well.)


But yeah... I'm changing... I have this thirst for deeper thought and quenchless search for meaning.
As for her? Well.... thumbing through Instagram... having food in her belly... shopping errands ...and the occasional dining out... she's happy with life. Simplicity is fine. No issues with not needing lots of things. But.... the lack of substance?

ooofah. That hurts.

She honest to God has said it's not something that really attracts her much or stops her in her tracks.
I can suggest a Tony Robbins event... "yeah...I guess I'd go. Oh, but the kids. It's ok. You can go."
She says it in a very shoulder shrug "meh, whaddayagonnado?" type way that's indifferent.... and it just bugs me to no end.

She's happy rooting for me as a cheerleader... she's just not interested in playing ball in the court of life. Make sense?

 

You know what she said to me about a week and a half ago or two?

She said that in another life----assuming we're not trying to go with "old school" principles when it comes to divorce/marriage....

she said she'd let me go.

Just like that. That she knows I'm not fully happy... and that she'd let me go as to not hold me back...and that she's a hindrance to that... and says the kids are too....

It hurt because...
for one... It never crossed my mind to say something ever like that..
second... I wondered if she was putting words in my mouth to disguise how she actually felt (why she would I have NO friggin' idea)

and third.... because deep down I know there's *some* truth to it. Not 100%...Not 80%... but some to the point where it's confessable (I know that's not a word)

I mean... if that's how she feels as far as holding on to me... even if it's in a parallel universe....... I mean... Jesus.

 

You're right. I'm not all there. I've used direct words with her that I want to be. Unrelated (possibly) side note...
I really really hate seeing married couples smitten with each other. No, not gropey tongue slobbering teenage "smitten".... like... real grown ups. (eww, grown ups)

Yeah, there's truth to this.

Definitely. In the trifecta (emotional, spiritual, physical)... Pre NoFap life felt like it was there to fill in some kind of void.... void of excitement, passion, curiosity....

But I'm not who I was several years back. I feel like she's definitely more tranquil...but nothing jaw dropping or that'd make me do a double take as far as personal development goes.

We've spoke about sparks and rekindling... comes back to "who stays with the kids?"... her folks are out of the country... mine are weak/elderly... no siblings that are local... she has one sibling with a girlfriend and son from her brother... but I don't think she can handle that for several days....

then we get back to square one... I totally missed out on forming a marital connection... not even 90 days into marriage go by and "(insert sobbing leaving a doctor's appointment outside)... I'm pregnant"....

one of the absolute most sad and devastating days of my life... gotta be top 3 thus far. yeah....i know..."you can't say that... you're a dad".... pffffft, ok.

More and more I'll say things like "I just want your attention..." or "sit here with me"... to get that in peace.... wow-wow-wow...that takes effort...especially since having a second.

I agree. However, I don't just want a friend... I want someone that makes me proud to say "that's MY wife."
Social media doesn't tell the whole truth.... but hot damn does it spark a little envy that I have to recognize and squash when I see a guy (as the kids say) "crushing it" .... in personal/professional life... AND the wife is as well.... AND she's a foxxx.