Deep Funk when's the right time?

I'm 35 myself and honestly, I know i'm immature. Especially when it comes to relationships and girls in general. I can take a step back and talk to myself about everything and come to a lot of the same conclusions you are coming to. She won't go on a roadtrip with me though. She has a man. She's loyal. All of these reasons is why I like her...a lot. Loyalty plus immaturity. It sounds stupid but I like having people who I can just goof off with around me and people who stick by me. People who know me, know this about me. Even as we all grown older they can expect that when I am fully in my comfort zone to get at the very least get hit with a little bit of nostalgia..back to when we were kids. I got that every day from my coworker at one point.

Now it's different. Man thank you for your reply and helping me sort all of this out.

I think I need to just remove myself from here. But alas, do I do it first or does she? It's like the new battle. In my mind that's our new war. I get to turn my back to her or she me. It's like a power struggle. I'm salty about the other guy. That bothers me and its showing and it's making me look like a reject to her. Every time i open my mouth about that she's affirming what she did. She'll never tell me sorry, she'll never tell me that I was her friend througout all this. She'll say I made her believe that we weren't friends. No matter what I remind her of. I think like a lawyer with timelines or like a detective and I use that in my arguments/debates/rebuttals.

Ultimately, I can't see me working out with anyone else. There will always be that 'what if' with her and it's stopping me (atleast right now) from moving on. That and I don't want to fully be depressed.

My mother and my aunt keep showing me these girls whose parents want them to get married off or whatever. They won't stop calling me. My cousin got into this act too of trying to matchmake. i haven't even picked up the phone about this. They all pale in comparison. I can't even think about anyone else in any sense of sincerity.

It's like i need to see her pregnant or married before I get over it; maybe even put in a last dig about her body will completely change now. Maybe I just liked the attention from her this whole time. It could be it. idk. The past 6 months or so I have day dreamed on an actual life with her like in a house etc. I'm getting into the territory of idolizing her and I don't want it to be that at all. I don't think it's attractive, it's not healthy, and it's wrong according to the scriptures. It's literally a sin.

 

so I went out last night and my sole like real guy friend that I have left is leaving DC. Or atleast says he is. Someone mentioned I should listen to the universe. Now I feel like it's telling me to leave here. I don't want to though. My pride is telling me to stay, I haven't accomplished all that I want to accomplish. Why leave with unfinished business? Maybe the universe is throwing me a favor and removing an outside distraction so I can work on me?

We went to my friends friend bday party. It turns out these guys are all club heads popping molly. In my weakened state of just two beers I took some too, it was nice to dance and just be in the moment a little, but i couldn't stop thinking about all this going on in my life; my coworkers hate me and are probably going to fire me, the girl I like probably pities me, this guy next to me (my friend) is hugging me telling me he loves me like 50 times, like dude I get it. I put him an uber and we parted ways. I went home too. Had a decent talk with the uber driver about women, I told him i was bummed out and he was saying how the woman's greatest gift he can give you is a son. I don't know if all this anxiety and self pity and loneliness is stemmed in this gift or not. In a way it makes sense. But tbh I just want to continue to grow and I know whom I want to grow with. But it takes two people, two minds and not just mine.

If this were a boxing match I feel like I got floored about 5 times in the match, but i keep just barely getting up. There's no one throwing in the towel for me, and I'm not quitting I keep coming back for more. What's left? Finish out the match and move on? I can get brain damage if I keep going you know.

 

so what do I actually want? Her. I want to be in her life, I want to see her and have fun with her like we were having prior to all the complications in December. I dont want to make her jealous, I don't want to hurt her at all. Every time i talk to her now I hurt her however. I have walked to different parks this week and just opened up a journal and wrote in it (handwriting). This morning I woke up and wrote a letter on my laptop. I'm not going to send the letter, I do't know what i'll do with them. I am thinking of writing one every day to her and if we do ever get together I'll start to send them. The point of these letters is to just remind myself of her and not be mad, remember the good times, so that they don't fade away.

Will I wait her out? Yes.

Am I ready to forsake all women? - when I am sober this seems like an easy yes. But not when I am not sober.
How long would I wait for her? - a year if not more
Would you look for her if I had a different job? - yes.
Would you look for her if she had a different job? - yes.
I'd take her anywhere she wants to go with me. If she doesn't want to see my face right now i'll take a job that pays less in order to salvage whatevers left.

To answer your last question, i don't think I'd straight turn her down. I would hear the girl out. The likelihood however is super low. She was so unique and maybe it's my lack of dating life but that type of spark/energy/connection was just never there for me before. Hard for me to see it come around again.

 

I dont know what she wants. When we spoke on Monday she said as a reaction to something I said that I can't see this turning your way meaning turning out to what I want. But it was a reaction to what I said, I don't think it was her initial feeling...because initially she was trying to get friendly with me again.

I would go away.

I got a phone interview in an hour for a job. I started to apply and someone emailed me today. The money is less. I dont care. Regardless if the heart grows fonder or not, I want to do whatever is best for the both of us. If that's my decision to make then so be it. Although, she too is looking for new jobs and told me she wants out before me. She tried to place an importance on her getting out before me. Like why should that matter? For me it matters bc i can't stand to see her turn her back on me one last time. But for her..I never turned my back to her.

 

It's amazing what cleaning up your space can do to your spirit. Idk what's going to happen with this girl. I'm happy she's still here and doesn't seem to be looking for new jobs . Accepting the timing of me voicing my feelings for her was not compatible with her own feelings for me and that there is a dark cloud within me . My demeabor so far has not been combative. Soon enough I need to get back to the gym, develop my hobbies and learn what i got to learn seek my why again. She opened my mind to things and possibilities. Regardless of us time to do those possibilities . It's time to live

 

Today I went to a job interview and the lady I think liked me. I'm probably over qualified for the job but as soon as I got back to work and I had a conversation with a boss I was reminded once again why a new situation would be good; despite my feelings for my other co worker.

After I took that molly last week, the next day I was walking with my friend from getting food and I bit into this stupid blow pop I took from the bathroom in the club from the night before and my freaking tooth cracked. I thought the filling just popped but today at the dentist they told me I needed a crown. I say this because I was so upset last week I got the dentist appointment because I wanted to make sure I get the tooth filled before I up and quit and lose my dental insurance that I have with my current job. I thought it was the universe telling me that I was going to lose my job so cash in on the dental insurance. Now I am thinking it was not the universe telling me about losing my job, it was simply the universe telling me STOP doing drugs! Your tooth will crack! Tough lesson, had to learn the hard way. I might get a gold crown just bc.

 

@need4realchg life's life. No new job not in Panama and the girl is protecting her feelings I think or just have none anymore for me. I was talking to her now and we was talking about how I don't find dating apps to be useful. I told her that I can't find a good girl on there and that most people on there have problems that I don't want to deal with.

Basically took a shot at her bc her current bf was found on an app. I can't let it go still. It's tough. But idk if she looked at it that way. End of the day I'm not enough into the dating game or experienced enough for dating apps to work for me. It's no knock on some people...some people are just in the game or knows the game...me no. That doesn't mean I'm socially inept. I still grew up a huge pothead so that crowd gets along with me also grew up a huge sports fan. But yeah women is hard for me to connect with. I'm getting comfortable in my own skin now so Im just me and be in the present. We talked for hours at work. It's healthy it's not healthy for my mental.

was at a family wedding this weekend on charlototte it sucked. I mean it was nice just that I got a little emo the whole time can't stop thinking of this girl. It's messing me up but it's also giving me strength to be the best I can be. Just trying to turn these pains to gains.

Hope you are doing well. I dont see the counter on my phone but keep up the progress man

 

Hey man, thank you for responding and being there to provide me some insight and guidance. I really do appreciate it.

I need to find me a new girl...a girl would work I suppose.

I think there is a little bit of confusion, I am not from Panama nor do I live and work there. I actually work in Washington DC. Just wanted to clear that up.

And yeah about the game, I am hating the game a little. I was actuallly talking about that out to myself a little before. It's like I never really got into the game and I am chasing a girl whose getting back to the game. I think I conflated the two (trying to enter the game first time vs reacclimatizing to the game) to mean the same thing and I got myself worked up as a result. I got a plan but I haven't been so motivated to act out completely on it. I want to make this my best summer yet.

 

I haven't been going out too much lately but I do live on u st which is where all the bars are. Im trying to cool it with the drinking. It lead to pmo so I try to avoid making it a daily habit.

I go to a boxing gym right now. It's way individual. I know mostly guys from there no females. I have this guitar but don't know how to play. I got to find activities that I can meet people at. I'll look into it.

 

I've thought about salsa or going to salsa meetups. But I'm shy when it comes to dancing. Maybe I will join. At this point I look at Spanish women and just think of my coworker.

 

I messed up last night. I feel weak. Just weak minded. My pot dealer stopped by we smoked drank beers went to Hooters to watch a game I took an oxy. Like I'm just trying to empty out . I'm trying to hit rock bottom. There's no fight in me. Buying shit for no reason ..abusing drugs. I want out but I'm a glutton for this punishment. I need to see something other than this alley through the window in my office .