Anxiety that has surfaced recently.

I remember that anxiety used to be my number one motivator for doing nofap. It was my motivation for everything self improvement. I just wanted to escape it. And I almost did.

9 days ago I ate 36 mg of thc in edibles. What happened after was I got insane high. I saw tracers after my little sister moved at one point. I even saw like I peeled off a layer of reality and behind it was a grid with a control panel with 2 buttons. I layed on my bed hoping nobody would find out I was high. I was going to sleep or at least pretend so nobody would know I was high. My heart was racing faster than ever before. It started hurting physically. I grabbed my chest at one point to try and stop it from hurting. Everything looked like a videogame/ cartoon. My vision was put into HD.

Eventually I chilled out and I went outside to go help my family cause we were all doing yard work. It was very weird and I had on safety glasses and no one could see my eyes. We ate and we saw a movie and I fell asleep during it.

The next day I was still high. Time was going by so slow. I had to get ready to go somewhere and I got ready in like 15 minutes but it felt way longer and I still had a lot of time left and I was getting anxious. I managed to play it cool. I still had HD vision and everything still looked different colors. We went to go eat chinese food and It was like we were in Naruto. I was feeling good the whole time.

The next day it was very similar.
And the next day except lighter.
I think this day I was finally feeling somewhat normal. I still felt dumb and couldn't think too well. When I noticed the effects dropped by a lot I kind of got sad and anxious. I was getting used to being high and it was gone.

Then 2 days ago I edged. The anxiety came harder than ever before. I started feeling anxious even just being home and doing nothing. I started feeling anxious around family. Then I went to the gym and I was hella anxious to even look at people but I worked out harder than ever before and I felt better for the rest of the day. I was getting more strange looks at the gym. Then this morning I got anxious again like yesterday. I meditated and I started having mild hallucinations like I could somewhat hear somebody in the room in front of me walking, but I knew my eyes were closed and I was trying to picture it. It was like I was slipping into my thoughts and dreaming. I think it was just me about to fall asleep, but it got me worried.

Right now it's gone. It feels strange cause I was feeling it like an hour ago pretty intensely. I'm gonna take a cold shower later and hopefully that will help.

I think maybe this was caused also by supplements I've been taking. I've been taking phenibut once every two weeks. I think it downregulated my gaba b receptors somewhat. I'm not gonna take it anymore. Also Sunday I took 2 grams of magnesium chloride. It made me feel tired and calm but it increased social anxiety. Then I took half a gram monday in the morning. Same results except I was home. It made me chill first but then it made me more scared of people. Then I took .2 grams before sleep to see if it would help me sleep. I was insanely tired when I took it but it took me a while to fall asleep.

So i'm not gonna take any more magnesium I think it made it worse and maybe this whole thing was a result of the magnesium.

Also It's probably since I've been home alone so much. I haven't talked to friends in a couple days. Accompanied with my anxiety was feelings I wouldn't ever be able to connect with people and that I'd always be lonely. I don't see friends too often. They're also pretty distant. I probably contribute to the distance with my anxiety and general distrust of others. I also get anxiety when someone doesn't answer a text message I sent them. I've also been real akward lately being high and anxious. They are probably more distant than before.

Getting high usually helps me delve deep into netflix and anime. I'm not thinking about anything else I'm just enjoying myself. Even though I don't understand much of the plot while high. I forget about my lonliness. I forget about how people view me. I don't think about those things. They seem so unimportant.

Does anybody else get insane anxiety from magnesium? I'm thinking it was the main contributor also the edging. I was starting to think real badly. I was thinking my anxiety would keep me from ever getting a job. From ever having or keeping friends. Also I was shaking a while back today. Also I was having this feeling like my face could turn red any second. I haven't felt this much anxiety since when I was PMO ing so much. It was even anxiety about my life. Like what am I gonna do now. Am I gonna study hvac or am I going to look for a job.

Also I feel like the weed brought all of these things up to the surface. Like before I'd just ignore all these things and now I'm worried about them and am looking for solutions.
I'm still trying to process this all because I feel normal now.

Right now I'm not really feeling anxious that much. I'm gonna buy some propranalol so I don't worry about social anxiety and also maybe microdose mushrooms or most likely lsd. I microdosed mushrooms once and microdosed morning glory seeds and I felt so great. I didn't have any social anxiety and was more connected and interested in people. Maybe that's what I need.

Now my desire to abstain from PMO is rekindled since even just a little taste of it brought back so much anxiety.

 

Yeah. I never got anxious being alone at home not knowing why I'm anxious, but now that's starting to happen. I hope this goes away. I won't be taking any magnesium anytime soon. Maybe I'm just shaking because I worked out real hard at the gym the day before yesterday. Or maybe it's because it's a little cold inside. This feels horrible. Everything I've ever felt before pales in comparison to how I'm starting to feel. The anxiety I had before seems like a joke and excuse. I was probably just nervous before, but now I think it's actual anxiety.

Writing this it's starting to go away. I hope I didn't permanently fuck up my brain somehow.