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Jagliana's Journal | An S.O's perspective

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Jagliana, Feb 4, 2018.

  1. Put me down too. I thought for the longest time that what we do is normal and part of finding “the one.” The pain of discovering that this is not the case was horrendous. Totally heartbreaking.

    With my PA ex it turned out he loved what I did for him and how I supported him. I did all the emotional labor and he was free to fantasize about everyone under the sun.

    I remember saying so many times that I want someone who wants me and therefore sex with me. Not someone who wants sex (after getting turned on by anyone and everyone else) and since I’m the SO would deign to do the physical deed with me. Ugh.

    Why is it so hard to see people as people, acknowledge beauty passively and just move on without devolving into mentally screwing them? We don’t expect PAs (or anyone) to suddenly go blind. Just stop treating people like your own personal P-collection and show some mental fidelity.
     
    Susannah and Jagliana like this.
  2. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    It is so refreshing to know that this is not just "me" thing and it makes it so much more validating when a man admits to it too, especially someone of Tom's caliber, so PA's can't claim "well, it's just a female thing".

    EXACTLY!!!!! there's no reason why someone who is clearheaded or in recovery (real recovery) not capable of doing this, just like we do, that is, if they are truly satisfied with what they have at home, as they claim. That's my opinion -- if it's all based on science, if one brain can do it, then all brains should be capable of it, given the right circumstance.
     
    Susannah and TooMuchTooSoon like this.
  3. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 441:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

    Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)

    Parent: Eager | - | Exhausted
    Partner: Content | Calm | Connected
    Professional: Creative | Accomplished | Successful
    Person: Anxious | Interested | Free

    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Recovery.
    2) Honesty.
    3) Conversation.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, everything was put on hold, because it was our long awaited for Game of Thrones final season premiere night - it did not disappoint. Wade started it off right by giving me a foot rub that really alleviated my throbbing headache and some of my tension from the day. I had been triggered and on edge all day from the overwhelming Costco trip. During the episode, my client sent me an e-mail asking for some revisions that needed to get done asap, so we had our talk, after the show, but while I worked. I did feel bad about that, because we've made it a thing, not to be on devices when we are having our talks, but he understood that I needed to get this done and we didn't have much time to talk after. We spoke about temptations and what those urges mean, how you can not have constant temptations that you have to talk yourself out of or control yourself from and at the same time, claim that I'm now your sole focus/imprint, in the way that Tom from Impact Theory was explaining - Wade knows what I mean. As I've mentioned a few times, I believe there's no reason why someone who is clearheaded or in recovery (real recovery) not capable of turning a blind eye/switch, just like I do, that is, if they are truly satisfied with what they have at home, as they claim. That's my opinion -- if it's all based on science, if one brain can do it, then all brains should be capable of it, IF given the right circumstance or condition (attraction/connection/feelings) aka which leads me to my initial theory, of not being 'the right one' hence, probably why my gut feeling has been nonexistent on this front.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How to Be Happy Right Now: The Science of Happiness”, in this episode, we get some great tips on how to use science to boost happiness levels instantly, and for life. Remember, you will be about as happy as you make up your mind to be.

    This morning, after dropping off the kids at school, I had a doctors appointment. Afterward, we had to do our weekly grocery run, on the way there, we began listening to BAE's podcast "I'm Doing All the Right Things But Something Is Missing" where they discuss how much goes into recovery, but sometimes, it still just does not feel like enough, like something is missing. We did not get through even the first half of it, but as far as we go, it seems like they did begin veering off track from the topic at hand - as they have been in their recent podcasts. We plan on finishing it tonight, so I guess we will see if they offer up any good suggestions or solutions, from either the addict or the betrayed perspective of feeling like something is missing, even when you are doing everything you think you should be but it still feels off.

    In the afternoon, we finally had some free time, where we considered going out to lunch or the movies but nothing seemed to pan out. Which ended up being fine, we decided to just have lunch at home, Wade made us some yummy California Melts and we watched Bohemian Rhapsody, the movie was great and Rami Malek was superb as Freddie Mercury, of Queen. It was some nice quality time and we didn't have to fork over a lot of cash to enjoy ourselves.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Got through today, winning!:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivational
    The Science of Happiness and Feeling Positive in Life



    ---------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG]
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
  4. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

    545
    1,119
    123
    Exactly - we are just a convenience.
     
    Jagliana likes this.
  5. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 442:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

    Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)

    Parent: Tired | Free | Annoyed
    Partner: Connected | Vulnerable | Loving
    Professional: Creative | Rushed | Confident
    Person: Frustrated | Content | Exhausted

    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Recovery.
    2) Silence.
    3) Deep Conversations.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, he gave me an awesome back rub, when it comes to those, he has been spoiling me and I'm not afraid to admit that I'm loving it, because I enjoy his touch and it just gives me back so much relief. As he did that, we finished listening to BAE's podcast "I'm Doing All the Right Things But Something Is Missing" where they discuss how sometimes, no matter how much work (and time) you put into recovery, sometimes, it still just does not feel like enough, like something is missing. Brannon says that if you make recovery apart of your everyday life and not just have it as a set of tasks you must accomplish or 'check off' in a day, it will make things so much easier. If you are in recovery with the right intention, remain honest with both yourself/partner and also work on your cognitive behavior, you will feel balanced because it will be apart of your lifestyle and not feel like anything is off. Then we went and watched some TV, before heading to bed.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Isaiah Hankel: What To Do When You Feel Lost In Life”, in this episode, we hear from internationally bestselling author Isaiah Hankel as he talks about what to do when you feel lost in life. First, you don't know who you are or what you want. Most people have no idea who they are. Instead of being an individual, they are a collection of the people that they hang out with the most. The only way to figure out who you are is to spend some time alone with yourself. Second, you don't know how much you can withstand. You are stronger than you realize. Third, you don't know how to rely on yourself. Remember, life is not what happens to you. It's how you handle what happens to you.

    This morning, after dropping the kids off, on the drive to my doctor's appointment we listened to BAE's podcast "Why Can't I Build Trust?". This one was all about "Integrity" and what it means to live a life where you are your true, authentic self because that is the best way to show your partner that you are an honest person. They discussed how Coby could not figure out how to build trust because he did not know how to speak the truth even in small things. He would do things to appease Ashlynn, just to stay out of trouble or getting her disappointed. The effect on Ashlynn was significant to see him hide or lie about the little things in life, which is how betrayal is built up usually - at least that's how it was for me because Wade lied to me about everything. Brannon breaks the "Integrity" and why that is the most important ingredient in earning trust back after it has been lost. They did veer off topic quite a bit, where Wade and I even forgot what this episode was supposed to be about. We did not agree with everything they discussed here, but it did open up further discussion between us and that was very pleasant, for us both.

    Once we got home, my client reached out because they had a rush job for me, because they needed an image done before they went to print. Luckily, I was able to get that done in the nick of time, right when we were supposed to go pick up our girls. On the way there we began listening to the video I recommended to Wade earlier, which I really enjoyed, "How to Find Your Partner and Keep Your Relationship Strong". Where Stephan Labossiere (a.k.a Stephan Speaks) talks to Lewis Howes about healing and what it takes to have a strong and successful relationship. His point is simple (and true!) We all want connection, we all want an amazing, sexy, supportive romantic relationship. So why is it so hard to find the person who can fill that position? Most often, it’s not other people that are the problem- it’s ourselves. We have so much hurt from our past that we haven’t worked through that keeps us from experience a true connection with someone else. This could be past romantic or childhood relationships. Hurt people hurt people. However, my biggest takeaway from this interview was him saying that in order for a relationship to work and thrive, you must have true connection and balance, he says connection has to naturally be there between two people, it can not be taught, learned or forced - it's either there or it's not.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Loved how much hair looked today.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivational
    What To Do When You Don't Know Who You Are Or What You Want



    #Relationships
    How to Find Your Partner and Keep Your Relationship Strong with Stephan Speaks and Lewis Howes



    ---------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG]
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
  6. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 443:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

    Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)

    Parent: Proud | Content | Exhausted
    Partner: Content | Insecure | Confused
    Professional: - | - | -
    Person: Inspired | Unsettled | Depressed

    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Recovery.
    2) Morning Walk.
    3) Research capabilities.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, we were going to go watch TV because we talked earlier, but I was triggered by the family dinner we had out earlier. I felt guilty and ashamed for ruining his relaxation/tv time and I actually considered just saying everything was fine but I felt it boiling over inside, which would have come out in other ways later if I kept it inside. We went to an Italian restaurant for dinner and of course, with my luck, the old lady who seated us and took our order vanished and the waitress that came back out to bring us our food (and then stick around) was totally his type. When I saw her, I felt like I instantly vanished from his eyes - poof, gone like a ghost, new eye candy was there - and the more she came around, the more insignificant I felt. This ruined the entire dinner for me, I sat there running the motions, smiling and nodding and just reacting to my kids when it was needed. I even felt like Wade asked me to take the little one to the restroom, on purpose, so he had the freedom to ogle the waitress in peace. Sometimes, I just feel like going out takes a huge emotional toll on me, that it's not even worth it. He keeps trying to tell me that he is different now and I know he is trying his hardest to control his urges but again, to me, it's one thing to find other people attractive for a second and forget about it, and it's another to be attracted TO THEM - recognizing it to the point where you need to talk yourself out of lusting because "you want a happy relationship with your wife", this also means (to me) the door is ALWAYS OPEN to him preferring/wanting/desiring someone else, over me. Never in my relationship, did I need to close my eyes, breathe and think "yes, this attractive man is your type, but no, you can not look at him, you can not want him, remember you are married and you want to have a good relationship with your husband" -- I never needed a mantra to convince myself that I had to have eyes for my own husband and not other men, it was kind of a given for me, when I said yes. I just don't know if I can live like this, I keep thinking about it - over and over - yes the connection we have is nothing like I've ever felt before and I doubt it will ever be repeated with anyone else. But, to always feel like a ghost, every time some woman pops up (and there are millions of them in the world) might feel even worse to me then going back to a disconnected relationship, the pain and drain I get from these triggers are unbearable, always having to act - just like before, is it realistic to spend the rest of our relationship, in the house with him, which is the only place where I get a little peace from triggers to be happy? because any time we go outside, there's a high probability of becoming miserable in an instant. I'm feeling so emotional.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Why Forgiveness Is The Key To Happiness and Freedom”, in this episode, TedX speaker Brant Hansen reminds us that forgiveness is the key to happiness and freedom. Remember, in a world full of anger forgiveness is the key to happiness and freedom.

    This morning, Wade dropped off the little one at daycare. I walked alone and I started listening to an interview he sent to me "Master Happiness - Tony Robbins & Tom Bilyeu", which was pretty interesting, but I noticed myself losing focus a lot as I began thinking about yesterday's dinner and then wondered why I kept thinking about it... as I walked the weather transitioned from cold to warm, which meant there were a lot more people out walking and jogging, due to the weather, aka more triggers. So, as a threat would pass by, I thought "thank goodness he isn't here for this" which then prompted me to think about last night. It was a weird walk, I felt like I was in a trance/haze the whole time. When he picked me up, we talked a little about the video that he finished watching with Stephan Labossiere and all of the great content he found in it.

    I woke him up for his last group meeting with Coby's group today. After we spoke a little about my trigger again, then he had to go pick up our daughter in the old neighborhood... in nice weather, I'm sure he had fun there. Anyway, later on, we had a birthday dinner for my dad, which was nice. The little one got dressed up and was super excited to celebrate lol.

    My back is still nagging me from yesterday, but my mood has been down because I am still feeling unsettled from my trigger and I am aware of that. I'm also starting to get a sense that Wade is getting a little complacent with recovery work or just more distracted than usual.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: No matter what kind of funk I was in today, still put on a happy face for my dad's birthday.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivational
    Forgiveness in an Age of Anger | Brant Hansen



    #Relationships
    Relationship Theory on Maximizing Compatibility With Dating Lists



    ---------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG]
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
  7. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

    545
    1,119
    123
    This type of thing happens to me so often I even have a name for it - "the cosmic joke". Wherever I would go with my husband, it was just a matter of time before the "cosmic joke" ie a teenager in a tank top, a 20 year old with giant boobs and yoga pants, any blonde (you get the picture) would show up. It was uncanny. Air travel was the worst. He would compulsively ogle someone while waiting to board the plane and 9 times out of 10, that person would be seated in our row. I kid you not.
    I would often just disassociate. I KNOW I alienated family and friends because I had to "separate" from my emotions in order to not burst into tears or stand up and scream right in the middle of the restaurant.
    You are not odd. Many people are just like this, including me.
    I understand. So sorry, sweetie.
     
    TooMuchTooSoon likes this.
  8. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    Of course, it is the worst kind of cosmic joke. The punch line is... us, getting punched, in the face, repeatedly. :rolleyes:

    I disassociate a lot too and I hate doing that, my kids don't deserve it but it is the only way I can get by without completely raging out and snapping at everyone.

    I'm happy to know that I am not alone!

    Thank you for understanding. <3
     
  9. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 444:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Recovery.
    2) Morning Walk.
    3) Though Conversations/Breakthroughs.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, because I was still triggered, we talked about all of it again. I was feeling extra drained and emotional, thoughts were running wild in my head all day, so many of them and a lot of random ones at that. I guess I am at my wits end with these feelings, triggers and how they make me feel... also if they'll ever come to stop, I even cried which is rare for me, to expose myself like that. Wade actually went out of his way to hold my space and I feel like he did it well. I won't go into the details again, but he said now that he has a clearer understanding on my perception of finding someone attractive vs being attracted to them, he doesn't think that is what he is stopping himself from feeling/doing - but, I just don't know. We also talked about my journal post and why I felt like he was being a bit complacent, it was because I've been noticing an uptick in him getting distracted and mindless with facebook clips when he is supposed to be working on his journal. The quicker he gets done with his journal, the more 'we' time we have, especially on days where he has to go to work - so I guess it showed me his priorities, which didn't help, especially during this time, which made my trigger(s) worse.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “This Simple Question Will Help You Get Back On Track”, in this episode, Tony Robbins gives a simple question that will help you get back on track to living a happy healthy life. Remember, in the end, everything will be OK. If you're at a point in your life where everything is not OK, don't worry. That just means it's not the end.

    This morning, we continued talking about my, his and our feelings, how both of us see my triggers. I think they are holding him back, but he doesn't feel that way and he explained why. We had a really long (almost 3 hours long) difficult conversation about all of it. I was trying to explain where I was coming from, why I was feeling the way that I was and he did the same. I won't go into details here because it is just way too much, but both of us felt much better after. I still think that at some point, as he continues to get better, my constant triggers will start to feel like a burden to him and he'll begin getting resentful - even if he says that's impossible. I guess only time will tell, I just hate feeling this way and it seems like a never-ending battle - as women are everywhere.

    As I was typing in my feelings for the day, something Coby suggested to Wade, I decided I was going to stop doing it. I wasn't too crazy about it in the first place, I did it because Wade suggested it (again, due to Coby)... but I express my feelings through words here, through my story and my emotions are so sporadic that listing them without context - just does not make sense to me, so I'm going to stop. It's my personal choice and Wade can continue doing his if it helps him be aware of his emotional and situational triggers.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Admitted my faults, fears, guilt, and shame.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivational
    Tony Robbins: Feeling Lost? How to Find Yourself Again



    ---------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG]
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
  10. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 445:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Recovery.
    2) Morning Walk.
    3) Warm Weather.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, we did not talk since we had such a long talk in the morning. We just continued watching HUMANS and man, that show is so awesome.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Excellent Advice For Living A Good Life”, in this episode, Denzel Washington gives some excellent advice for living a good life. Remember, the most important things in life aren't things at all.

    This morning, we walked and talked. Wade listened to an episode of Rob Weiss's podcast "Shame, Honor, and Culture" while he was at work, where Rob's featured guest was Sam Louie a psychotherapist, blogger, and speaker on cultural shame and addictions. When I listened to it, I immediately said Wade would find some similarities with Sam and he did, so we talked about them, like lack of connection and affection from your parents for example. Then we listened to BAE's podcast "Why I Can't Stop White Knuckling?" where "not acting out" is a thing and the main goal, but, when that doesn't make us feel better and our partners seem to feel that energy (that goes with the white knuckling) things can get tough for both. Wade, compared one of Coby's examples of how he used to feel at airports in the past versus now... to how he has recently felt about passing by a local lingerie store. Before, he used to feel uptight when passing by and somewhat fighting urges/sensations to look/wonder about that store, but now he passes by it without a second thought and with peace of mind (from how he has explained it to me). He also mentioned that in the middle of the night (while he was at work) he suddenly felt like he wanted sex, but this time, he was imagining sex with me, he visualized me, which was why he texted me when he did and he said that it is something that has been happening more and more, that was pretty nice to hear. :)

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Wade's reaction to my little one's work (my hairstyle) made me feel giddy.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivational
    Denzel Washington's Life Advice Will Change Your Future



    ---------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG]
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
    Lostneverland and Wade W. Wilson like this.
  11. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 446:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Recovery.
    2) Morning Walk.
    3) Advil.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, we did not talk, we went to watch HUMANS. I swear, this show just keeps getting better and better, I don't want it to end! Wade had an impromptu urge for something in the middle of the show... and we ended up having some intimate time which was spontaneous and fun. After, he had to go to work, which sucked.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Find Your Passion And Live A Truly Fulfilling Life”, in this episode, we get some excellent tips and advice on how to find your passion and I think a lot of people in recovery will find this particular one beneficial to listen to. Remember, find your passion, it will lead you to your purpose.

    This morning, it was raining pretty bad here, so we went to the mall for our walk and talk. On the drive there, Wade talked to me about the current book he is reading, "Manhood" by Terry Crews. He also mentioned that ever since we began talking about how I'm able to turn a blind eye to other men and not be attracted to them, even if I can clearly notice if someone is attractive... he has been trying to breakdown how his mind thinks/reacts towards other women when he slips/has temptations to ogle, aka noticing someone attractive versus feeling attracted to them, he says for him, for now at least it seems like he does not feel attracted to them or have a pull to think about them more, instead he goes into shame that he can't kick this habit. While at the mall, we finally caught up to the latest podcast episode for BAE, we listened to "What if the Betrayal Trauma Experts Have it Wrong?". I have to say, I'm quite disappointed with this one - as I have been with many of their recent stuff, I thought it was going to actually be about betrayal trauma, maybe a good in-depth discussion where Ashlynn finally spoke up more, but by the time we got to the end of the podcast, both Wade and I were scratching our heads and wondering, what was the point of this episode? and what was it suppose to be about again? technically, based on their intro, it was supposed to be about how many experts may be treating betrayal trauma victims wrong and cannot get their patients through this trauma, properly, in essence keeping them stuck - instead of helping them move forward. It was not that though, it was just weird.

    The rest of the day the kids have been driving me nuts, when is this damn Spring break over already? sheesh, I can not wait. Our eldest has an internet addiction, or a device addiction and is lying about it, just like Wade used to about his PA. It's difficult to approach this, delicately and frustrating for both of us as well because we know how bad this can get. I'm at my wit's end.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Being able to rationalize and call bullshit when it's obvious!:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivational
    How To Find Your Passion



    ---------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG]
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
    hope4healing likes this.
  12. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 447:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Wade.
    2) Morning Walk.
    3) Kids and their outlook.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, I had to help my dad set up one of his VCR's, yes, I said VCR..................... anyway, by the time I was done, Wade and I had about 20 minutes of alone time before he had to head out to work. He wanted to just lay in bed and cuddle, so we did that and talked about the headache I endured within the last hour I just had. Then as he prepared him lunch for work, we talked a little bit about balance and how it has been my mantra for a while and it is something he is finding makes more and more sense, in all areas of life, not just recovery.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “The Importance Of Having A Good Attitude”, in this episode, Earl Nightingale talks about the importance of having a good attitude. Remember, a bad attitude is like a flat tire. If you never change it you'll never go anywhere.

    This morning, even though we did get caught in a bit of drizzle, we walked in the park. Since we've finally caught up on the BAE podcasts, which to be honest, is kind of a relief, they've kind of run their course for us, not sure what is it, their content really has been getting progressively worse. My opinion is this, it could be one or all of these three things, (1) Coby has changed the dynamic for us ... he has gotten way more arrogant and cocky, likes to speak just to be heard, just to sound like he "knows" what he is talking about, but to me it sounds (what he says/how he speaks) seems like he is exhibiting addict behaviors/overcompensating to take the eyes off any indiscretions. (2) Recently, they have also been doing a lot more "exclusive" content, which requires memberships/payment, so they purposely leave out the bulk of their helpful information from the free content they post, because now they offer "pay for more" content like many others do these days. (3) We may have also 'grown out' of that stage of recovery and a lot of the information they are giving is redundant or just doesn't make sense for us anymore. Anyway, for now, we've decided to stick to Relationship Theory and various other speakers for couples/relationship content and Rob Weiss for addiction content/education. Wade watched a Relationship Theory episode I told him about and he enjoyed it, he noted a spot that he wanted to relisten to with me, so we could discuss it. The episode was "Relationship Theory - Ground Rules for a Happy Marriage", they came up with something called "keys to the kingdom" which is a phrase that they use, when they are in an argument and believe the other person has let emotions take over and rational thought has left the building. They use this trigger phrase to inform their partner that this argument has gone awol and it's time for a break, so they can revisit it later, when both of them are no longer being hijacked with emotional responses, but can rationally discuss the issue.

    The girls drove me bonkers all day, my head was pounding. Once Wade was finally up for the day, we had a nice evening. We went to the playground, then dinner. There were a good amount of triggers for me there, Wade said he was concentrating on his slipping/awareness and even paying attention to his habit of glancing at anyone passing by (female or male) and keeping his eyes up and says he did not slip once. I was holding myself, as best as I could, it was not as bad as the Italian place, that's for certain. Once we got home, one of our neighbors came into the elevator with us, she did trigger me, she was one of the first "FML" triggers I encountered in this building and realized he would have eye candy here, from moving day, onward, the image of him and his buddies making remarks about "how lucky he was to have her as a neighbor" are seared into my head and what made matters worse was I was pregnant at the time too. She stood side by side with me, Wade was behind us, I could not help but think he was either comparing her ass with mine, preferring it, had a few slips/ogles or whatever, cause she was in tight white jeans, so yeah - FML indeed.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Being able to find more in common with Wade, beyond geek stuff, has been an awesome feeling!:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivational
    Earl Nightingale "Stop Waiting"



    Relationship Theory On Ground Rules for a Happy Marriage


    ---------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG]
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
  13. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 448:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Recovery.
    2) Morning Walk.
    3) Hard Conversations.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, we watched the second episode of Game of Thrones, the final season - it did not disappoint, well not me at least. He gave me an impromptu foot rub that was out of this world. When we got to bed, he had been drinking and wanted to get 'busy' and since I was hit with a bad trigger earlier, I felt disconnected and knew my mind would be elsewhere, but I wasn't tired so I could 'get down' so to speak, but he had asked me to be honest with him the last time something like this happened, so I was. I told him I don't mind, but just an FYI I am feeling disconnected and he said "don't worry, I'll reconnect you" in a jokingly fashion and I was like "okayyyyy w/e" then we got into things... as predicted the whole time my mind kept wondering if he was thinking of the neighbor, or if he'd be comparing us - what parts would he prefer of hers, etc., it was distracting me so much that I asked him bluntly if he was thinking of someone else and he said "of course not" and continued. Even though I enjoyed the physical aspects of it all, mentally/emotionally I was not there, which really sucked (when comparing to how we've been these days) and it took so much mental gymnastics to have to keep pulling myself back to the present moment each time my mind wandered into those triggering thoughts, it was frustrating and exhausting for me, to say the least, even though my body reaped all of the pleasurable, physical (euphoria) benefits. I guess the best comparison I have is, it felt like we were having sex, 5-6 years ago, arousing, fun, very turned on, etc., but totally disconnected/friends with benefits kind of vibe. One thing that did irritate me further, was every few minutes he kept asking "are you connected now?" which was annoying the shit out of me because I felt like he was mocking or invalidating my legitimate feeling of disconnection at the moment with jokes or sarcasm, but I kept trying to brush it off because he was 'tipsy' - but I know that is not an excuse.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Stop Wasting Your Life Start Living In The Present Moment”, in this episode, we hear a message about the need to stop wasting your life and start living in the present moment. Remember, if you waste your money you're only out a little cash. If you waste your time you've wasted a portion of your life.

    This morning, we talked about last night and now that he was sober, he finally understood that when I said I would be 'disconnected' if we had sex, I meant that literally (emotionally/intimacy). Then he asked me if I was okay with having sex if I was disconnected and I told him, the real question is if he is okay with it? he said he was not sure and had to think about it. During our walk, we listened to an episode of Rob Weiss's podcast "Drug and Sex Addiction (chem-sex)" where his featured guest was Dr. David Fawcett, therapist, author of "Lust, Men and Meth", an expert in methamphetamines and stimulants in sexual behavior. David and Rob discuss drug use among the gay population, the frequent co-addictions (sex and drug), risk factors and consequences of meth use, and the need for a change in therapy (and therapists) and treatment. Rob and David discuss the importance of finding a therapist that is well versed in the specialty one are seeking focused help, then they role-played a typical call of someone seeking help for addiction and a potential therapist - which reminded me a lot of the kinds of answers Wade was getting from some of them, who were obviously not qualified lol. While we were walking, there were triggers around, one was bigger than the rest. This sparked a long and in-depth, difficult conversation about whether he slipped or not, how he felt internally about the woman, about the shame, if there was a feeling of attractedness or what it could be, etc. Then we also broke down the difference in triggers for me and how I also have situational triggers, which make them a whole lot worse then normal ones because the memories hit me like a ton of bricks.

    Then we revisited the topic of sex while disconnected a few times throughout the day and he said the whole thing brought about a lot of shame and guilt, he said he doesn't want to sound like he is playing the victim but he feels like technically if he is focusing on me, doing things to me (the foot rub) and for my pleasure (in bed), how could I possibly assume he is thinking about anyone else at that moment. He is saying that is what his "spike narrative" is saying to him inside his head, but in reality, he gets it too, that my trigger was still active in my head and he knows that it can last for a while. That he misunderstood me when I said I would be disconnected, for me being tired. He isn't sure that he is comfortable having sex when I'm disconnected, but I think we are going to be talking about this issue for quite some time... just a feeling.

    It was a day of many hard conversations, uncomfortable ones, but I'm glad we were able to talk it out, openly, honestly and ask each other questions without judgment.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: The ability to have and getting through hard conversations!:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivational
    Sam Harris - Why You're Wasting Your Life Away



    ---------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG]
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
  14. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 449:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Recovery.
    2) Lunch Dates.
    3) School days.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, he relieved my back pain with a really soothing massage. We spoke a bit during the massage on and off about the issues of the day, also about the differences between his affection/gift giving then and now. Before, he would go the easy and checking boxes route - buying me flowers when I asked for some sign of romance, although it was not what I meant, at that point he didn't care, I've even countlessly told him I think they are a waste of money and not really a thing for me. Now, he finally HEARS what I want/need/love and shows me it is the quality of thoughts that count and caters to the type of love and affection that speaks right to me. Then we went and watched Bosch before bedtime. After, we had a really connecting intimate experience, a big difference from the night before.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Multiply Your Time: New Time Management Strategies That Work”, in this episode, Rory Vaden explains why you can't solve today's time-management challenges with yesterday's time-management strategies. Remember, when you say yes to one thing you are simultaneously saying no to an infinite number of others.

    This morning, I had to go to a doctors appointment with my dad, that was fun, as usual, I left that appointment with a massive headache. By the time I got home, the weather suddenly turned into Spring and Wade was up by then too. We did our weekly grocery run and then decided to have a day/lunch date, which was really nice. It was a Korean BBQ place and since it was a Tuesday afternoon, it was empty (which was GREAT for me) the food was delicious and the service was wonderful. We didn't talk about recovery too much today, just slightly when he told me about a show he watched last night. He brought up how he was worried back in the day, what would we talk about, if we ran out of recovery topics and I said, that would have only been a worry if we split up and I was his AP only, otherwise we have too much in common to run out of stuff to talk about and our lives shouldn't revolve solely on recovery either, it goes right back to my theme: balance! we don't want to get burnt out. We ended up having a lighthearted chat, listened to fun music on the way to and from and just had a laid back and relaxing day. Overall all, today (with the exception of this morning) was a pretty good day for me, for us.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: No triggers today, had a good day!:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivational
    Rory Vaden - How To Multiply Your Time



    ---------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG]
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
    Susannah likes this.
  15. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 450:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Recovery.
    2) Our daughter's Honor Roll Award.
    3) Peace and Quiet.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, we talked a few minutes about a course he was selected for (something new BAE is testing) for six weeks. He said it was interesting and really made him think. Afterward, we watched some TV and then he had to go to work.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “The Benefits of Having a Personal Growth Plan”, in this episode, Toby Robbins explains how to get results in those areas of your life that matter most with a personal growth plan. Remember, in life change is automatic, but real progress is not.

    This morning, we had our daughters honor roll ceremony. We didn't get a chance to walk and talk. School events make me nervous because my trigger(s) is always there and without fail, she was there and in a bodycon dress at that. Of course, I got triggered and it bothered me, I tried to stay distracted as best as I could. Unfortunately, I couldn't help but think/imagine what Wade was thinking when he saw her, what she was wearing and how it shaped her body. As we were leaving, she was standing there and said to me "Hey! you look great!" and I said "thank you", but all thought was, "how I look doesn't matter because my husband prefers how you look anyway". :emoji_shrug: Wade, asked me how I was, once we got in the car, if it was bad for me there and I told him that I tried to distract myself and keep it stuffed down as much as possible - but what else could I do, it's not like I could leave before my daughter got her award anyway.

    Once we got home, I was mindless all day, bad I know but I needed to just decompress a bit. I hate being on this never-ending emotional roller coaster, yesterday was so good for us and today it went right down and that's how it goes, all the time -- up, down, up, down -- it's exhausting and it sucks.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Was able to keep my cool during a school event, triggering place with Wade there.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivational
    Tony Robbins: Find Your Passion



    ---------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG]
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
    Wade W. Wilson and Susannah like this.
  16. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 451:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Recovery.
    2) Morning Walks.
    3) Nap time.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, I came into the bedroom and I told him I was ready to listen to "Inspiring Your Partner to Exceed Expectations" from Relationship Theory because he really wanted to relisten to it with me to go over some points. I had finally settled down from my earlier trigger and put it behind me as best as I could, so I could focus and be there mentally. We listened and reflected on some of the similarities that we shared with Tom and Lisa, he made fun of me for procrastinating when it comes to my health issues, just like Tom. As we were listening I began getting cold, as I usually do, it's like my internal thermostat is broken, he began warming me up, one thing led to another. After that, we decided to put the video on hold until morning and just cuddle, he began telling me about how he can relate to Terry Crews, even though they come from two completely different backgrounds and lifestyles, but the further he gets into the book, he sees more of himself and even me in Terry's wife. We ended on such a tender and connected note, I didn't want him to go. But it was time for him to start getting ready for work, we went into the kitchen, I asked him if there was anything else on his mind, as I usually do... that's when the night took a bit of a turn. He said "yes" and brought up my trigger from the morning. I was a bit surprised because I figured we already talked about it in the car and if it was bothering him, it would have been brought up before we began watching the video, when we had more time to discuss it. Anyway, he said it was bothering him because he read my journal and didn't like how when my trigger told me that I looked good, I thought to myself that it doesn't matter how I look because my husband prefers looking at her anyway. He (of course) says that's not true, he only wants me right now and when he sees he now, all he can think is how much pain he has caused me. However, revisiting this trigger again, ended up retriggering me because it made me think about all of it, all over again, picturing her again, etc., right before I was supposed to go to bed and as he had one foot out the door... so the conversation was left unresolved. I was triggered all night and couldn't fall asleep for hours, even with Nyquil. Then to add insult to injury, when I finally did fall asleep, my little one woke me up and then the other one was up at 3:20 am, watching TV when she should have been sleeping, it was a total cluster... of a night.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How to Achieve Your Goals and Dreams”, in this episode, we get an inspiring message on how to achieve your goals and dreams. Remember, if you do what is easy your life will be hard, but if you do what is hard your life will be easy.

    This morning, I was so run down, I didn't feel like doing anything other than passing out... between my mood after being retriggered and the kids keeping me up in the wee hours of the night, I was out of it. Wade pushed me to go walk anyway, we didn't go outside even though it was sunny, the windchill was crisp and cold. On the way to the mall, Wade told me he thought about our discussion throughout the night and how he should have probably left it alone, especially since I appeared to be over it by then, etc. He said he was in shame and felt bad about how we ended it, all night, but he was grateful to me, that even though I was going through my own trigger, I was still there to listen to him support him in his shame and hold his space. We had a good, raw and honest talk about it all. Then at the mall, we continued listening to the Relationship Theory episode, pausing in between and discussing our own situations that were relatable. I still feel a bit down overall, but I am a whole lot better than I was in the morning, but it could also be because I am tired.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: As must as I wanted to fall apart and do nothing today, I didn't.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Relationships
    Inspiring Your Partner to Exceed Expectations



    ---------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG]
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
  17. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 452:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Recovery.
    2) Music.
    3) School days.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, we didn't talk too much. I vented my frustrations about a weird phone call from my doctor at almost 8 pm, then we went to watch TV. He gave me a really comforting and soothing foot rub which I really appreciated.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Stop Wishing and Create the Life You Want”, in this episode, Jim Rohn talks about how to stop wishing and actually create the life you want. Remember, we must learn to be happy with what we have while in pursuit of what we want.

    This morning, hmm well, started out okay but turned for the worse rather quickly. So, we dropped off the girls at school, then stopped by Dunkin to pick up some coffee's before we drove down to the mall for our usual walk and talk. At Dunkin, I headed for the restroom and he went to order the drinks. As I was walking out there were two women walking in, so I had to wait, then walk behind them in order to get to the line (where Wade was already by the counter). One of the women was his 'prime type' and triggered me. I tried to contain my trigger as best as I could, tried to ground myself *breathing in and out* and put it behind me as best as I could so that we would be able to listen to a podcast, talk and go on with our day as usual. We get into the car, turned on the newest BAE podcast, which actually sounded interesting, it was called "Why Does It Hurt When the Addict Says I'm Beautiful?" and began driving/listening. The podcast was essentially about how sometimes to the betrayed, words are cheap coming from the addict, and it is not easy or even pleasant for the betrayed to embrace a kind or sweet word/compliment from him after so much trauma. We usually have a difficult time believing, how can something be true like "you're so hot, you're so beautiful" (as they claim) when there is nothing by way of action to support such a statement, based on x amount of years teaching us the exact opposite? I know this mixed bag of feelings all too well. Anyway, we didn't get to finish it this morning, maybe tonight. So, we got to the mall and Wade starts giving me various compliments (ironically) telling me how I'm starting to turn him on, mind you, I'm triggered, but I'm also aware that I never let him know I was triggered either, so he is being playful, and me all of a sudden having an attitude would confuse him, so I decided to be upfront and tell him I was triggered - that's when shit hit the fan. As soon as I said I had a trigger, he looked surprised and said, something to the effect of: "I didn't notice anyone there who'd trigger you", I thought to myself, (1) yeah right, he didn't notice anyone, in the whole store, the whole time we were in there and (2) why would I tell you I got triggered, if I didn't get triggered, for fun or to start drama? but I thought to myself "whatever, let's just move on", I told him to go ahead and turn on his headset, so we can continue listening to the podcast and instead of dropping it, he says "was it the blonde with the blue jeans?" which was equivalent to someone throwing fuel on an already burning fire, because BINGO, he randomly did end up noticing her, while not noticing her, oddly enough... all I heard in my triggered head was "you just said you didn't notice anyone, however, you actually did! in fact, you noticed your prime, what a total coincidence! to the point where you were able to describe her hair and clothes, impressive for someone you didn't notice... *hmm* -- so then I bring that up and we had a whole back and forth about it, he went on the defensive and as he kept going and going, he kept throwing in random details and changing/adjusting his story, from not noticing, to seeing her from his peripheral vision when she walked in, but totally missed the frumpy woman (also blonde) directly in front of her and me walking right behind her, that he must have looked at his phone and then saw her and then looked back down. So then he noticed or "didn't notice" his prime but if he remembered her hair and pants, was I invisible to him? since I was right behind her or was I not interesting enough, so he decided instead of noticing me too, to look at his phone? food for thought. I don't like evolving stories or trickling out truths, I asked him to drop it, we could agree to disagree, but instead, we had this back and forth going for almost two hours. He also kept implying why would he lie about this, when he tells me about things like Facebook when he could easily hide it, which annoys me too... because that's no way to earn my trust, it makes me feel like anything he does, he expects me to keep score and tally off "good behavior" vs "bad behavior" and then base my feelings towards future actions, dependent on what he has or hasn't come to me with before. If that is the case, then I should never give him the benefit of doubt for anything, because 12 years of lies beat 1 year of honesty.

    What's frustrating is, I was upfront with him about being triggered for a reason, in order for myself not to shut down (one of my self-care goals) and for him to know that if I am snippy or in a bad mood, that is why (one of my relationship/honesty goals, also self-care). There were a few ways he could have handled this, without setting me off further, one would have been to just stop, think and instead of automatically dismissing my trigger with "I didn't notice anyone there that could trigger you" (aka invalidating the fact that it took so much out of me to admit I am triggered and obviously I did not pull it out of my ass, so someone did trigger me) he could have said, "I see, I'm sorry you were triggered, are you talking about the blonde in the blue pants?" OR if he honestly did not see anyone, as he initially claimed, he could have just held my space and empathized with me for a minute. He could have said, "I'm sorry that you were triggered, it must be difficult not knowing if someone can walk in and ruin your day at any moment, but thank you for letting me know, so if you aren't being yourself, now I'll know why". Like, it's not always easy for me to listen to and process his shame, but I've learned to be patient, understanding, I don't interrupt or judge him, I don't jump in to fix it or blame/accuse him of anything, I listen and then help him break it down and rationalize it, so we can figure it out, for some reason he just can not do that for me. It just makes it really difficult for me to want to be forthright about anything, because what's the point? it only makes it worse for me, it's better to just keep it to myself and avoid the full-scale escalation and stress of dealing with his hours-long right-fighting.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Stopped myself from shutting down, multiple times.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivational
    Jim Rohn: STOP WISHING for the Life You Want



    ---------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG]
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
  18. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 453:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Recovery.
    2) Morning Walk.
    3) Music.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, we didn't talk much, briefly revisited our issue from this morning, but then we need to just decompress, so we watched some TV and then he left for work. I was feeling sick and tired, so I couldn't wait to get into bed.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Improve Your Self Awareness Skills”, in this episode, Organizational Psychologist Tasha Eurich reveals how to improve your self-awareness skills. Remember, yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I'm wise so I am changing myself.

    This morning, Wade had to stay at work, so I walked alone. I started by listening to "Relationship Theory: Igniting Romance With Small Gestures", which was a short but a really good episode. Tom and Lisa made it a point to explain, how it is the little things we do for one, another – that really make a difference in each other’s lives, they don’t have to be extravagant or expensive either. What seems insignificant for some, could mean the world to someone else and can turn someone’s day completely around. Something as simple as doing something, for your partner, without them having to ask, can show them you are thinking about them and it shows them that you’re their priority. Then I decided to just listen to music for the rest of my walk because after yesterday, I still felt off and I needed to just calm myself.

    Later in the day, Wade called me to let me know he was going to be held up even longer. Then as he was talking, rather fast, switching from English to Russian, it was rather confusing he told me that one of his co-workers drove him to a place he needed to be. Then they decided to have lunch and that he would call me later. I asked him if he was triggered, because this co-worker happened to be someone he use to ogle/lust after, a thirsty type of ogling and it did not matter if it was in front of her kids, husband, our kids or me (not that I mattered at any point of his ogling anyway). He told me no, that he was fine “but he has a lot to tell me, so we’ll talk later”. The unfortunate thing is, this so happens to be our 13th Wedding Anniversary weekend… the big day falling on Monday, I had already been ‘nursing’ a trigger/bad response from him since yesterday… and now all I can keep thinking about is him having lunch with her, alone – picturing way too many things, that I do not want to be picturing, like - them chatting it up, giggling, flirting, maybe even her putting her hands on him during a joke (whether it is actually happening like this or not, it’s what’s looping in my head) because she is just flirtatious and LOVES getting attention. I hate that this is where I am at, I was never this person, but unfortunately, this IS where I am at, not my choice but by years of circumstance and as much as I try to talk myself OUT of thinking these things, saying 'he's different now', the next thought is "but, she is still pretty, she is his prime, she is his type, he would have loved to be with her, that hasn't changed, he is still a man - period, that hasn't changed and he is spending an hour socializing and staring at her by his own choice, knowing full well she would be a trigger for me and we've talked about how I knew about his behavior towards her, just thinking about THAT makes it worse. He could have told her he wasn't hungry (or made anything up) and then gotten a bite to eat alone, but for 'some reason', he decided to have lunch with her, and on this weekend, of all weekends. Now, I can't and will not be able to stop thinking about him sitting across from her, looking like they are on a date, he’s enjoying his view, up close and personal and it throws me right back into our double date, also on our Anniversary, that he arranged, with her and her husband two years ago. That night, he spent our entire anniversary ogling her, practically drooling and completely ignoring me – the only time he gave me any attention, was when I forced him to take a few photos, so I can post them to social media, to give people the impression that we were actually a happy couple, out celebrating our ‘love’.

    Now, I’m afraid that I’ll be too triggered/worked up this weekend and thinking about all of that, to the point where I honestly don’t think it is a good idea to go to dinner to celebrate our Anniversary, like he wanted to because mentally there is no way I will be there and I won't get to a place of peace by then either, all I’ll be picturing is that loop I mentioned above. I think I will tell him that it’s probably a wiser idea to just make it a day date, I already had Avengers: Endgame booked for our Anniversary, for the daytime and I think it would be just as great to leave it at that and call it a day, because now all this weekend is reminding me of ... is our horrible Anniversary two years ago, so much for this one being different, our "first" real one, but it's going to feel pretty much like the last 12 now, at least for me, because he had a choice and he made it, it wouldn't have been a choice I would have made or condoned, had he asked me beforehand.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: That I walked, even though it was cold.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivational
    Tasha Eurich - Increase your self-awareness with one simple fix



    #Relationships
    Relationship Theory: Igniting Romance With Small Gestures



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    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19

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  19. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 454:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Self-care.
    2) Podcasts.
    3) TV.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, was rough, really really rough and this post won't be any better because I'm triggered, hurt, mad, frustrated, bitter, resentful and annoyed - the challenge is, I don't know whether it's more towards him or myself for being an idiot who gives out too many 'benefit of doubts' when I should know better. We discussed everything I wrote about in yesterday's post. We didn't resolve anything, well, because he explains it his way, I interpret it my way and in a case like this, there is no happy medium. He told me that when he was at the lunch, he began feeling something was wrong about it, shame was coming over him, etc., but it's not like he did anything about it, take those gut feelings as a hint and find an excuse to leave. He also didn't think, which is a big problem. He didn't think about the significance of this weekend, whom he was having a one on one, face to face lunch date with and what it could possibly do to me when I end up hearing about it. Now, some would say "well, maybe if he hadn't told you, it would have been for the best" -- maybe, but this coworker is also "friends" with me and sometimes thinks it is cute to shoot me messages... and more often than not, she tends to send me casual texts telling me "oh, I saw your husband today", so there was a 50/50 chance that she could have sent me a text, telling me she had lunch with him and had he not told me, if I would have found out from her, oh boy... if he thinks my reaction is bad now, all hell would have broken loose if it happened the other way. All I can say is my heart is broken - his choice really hurt me, deep and felt like a huge slap in the face. I stand by what I told him - at the end of the day, he made a choice on our anniversary weekend, he decided who he was going to have a sit-down meal with, and he decided to have it with her, instead of me, that's-that. That was a choice he made, no one forced him into it. It's really simple when it came to his prime asking him to go to lunch, someone he claims, makes him feel 'uncomfortable' and 'resentful', while also being fully aware that she is an enormous trigger for me... and on our literal anniversary weekend (which triples the trigger due to that horrendous double date on our anniversary two years ago, where I had to watch him drool all over her, live and in person for hours...) he suddenly forgot about all of that, me, his feelings of 'discomfort' (obviously, they are just too overwhelming :rolleyes:), and anything else and just goes with her on that lunch 'date' regardless. Our choices come with consequences and well, if you choose another woman over me, guess what? that lunch date was your selection! it was your anniversary celebration, with her - because that one, canceled out ours, I don't want to spend yet another anniversary being fake, I'm done with that shit. What sucks is, I was really excited for this weekend to kick off his vacation so we could spend time together, I thought it was going to be different, I was under the impression we would have an awesome anniversary day watching Avengers: Endgame and then get dolled up and go out to celebrate 13 years, but our first full year as a real couple, toast to that and then spend the rest of his vacation, like our date last week - just hanging out together, especially since the kids are in school. What a waste of a vacation, we barely get time alone as it is. Having said all that, unfortunately, I was only an 'afterthought' for him, that only happened once he finished up his little lunch date with his prime and then, suddenly - afterward, had shame came over and he remembered that maybe it wasn't such a great idea, but what's done is done.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Live Your Best Life: How To Be The Best You Can Be In Life”, in this episode, Jim Rohn talks about how to be the best you can be in life. Remember, do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better do better.

    This morning, was awkward, I told him last night that his actions caused any sense of security building up over this time to just wipe out. I don't feel like his priority at all, he can tell me all the sweet nothings he likes, but actions speak louder than words. I'm feeling really disconnected and not really in the mood to reconnect either, all I can think about is how excited he must have been to finally get to sit across for her, have her all alone to himself, how much pride/joy (because his ego enjoys such things) he must have had for other people to see him at the table with her (one of his 'primes' for a change, instead of me) and all the visuals that come with that, it just makes me sick to my stomach and want to pull away that much more. But we didn't want to drive or walk in silence, so we listened to an episode of Rob Weiss's podcast "Redemption and Recovery" his featured guest was Tom Ryan, who is a spiritual community leader, father, husband, and knows all too well the struggles of living a hidden life of denial and secrets. Tom is also the author of "Ashamed No More" and is Founding and Executive Director of Living Integrated, an organization that helps individuals with compulsive sexual behaviors find hope and healing by integrating their spirituality with healthy recovery practices. The topic of this podcast was a big one, one of the most important, yet least covered subjects matter in sex addiction - redemption. Tom talks about recovery, hope, and the irony of holding a position of power and prestige while dealing with an addiction, and when it’s okay to not get it right the first time, or the second. He found himself continuously drawing the line of his boundaries further away from his morals and then feeling the guilt and shame that came along with the emptiness and loneliness of living a secret addicted life. Tom and Rob discuss the disconnection and isolation that comes with addiction. Much like eating potato chips when you are hungry, you are satisfying an urge with an impulse that in the long run isn’t good or healthy for you, and doesn’t make you any less hungry than when you first started. He also shares how he came out to his wife as an addict, and the impact the disclosure had on his healing and marriage.

    Tonight I wanted to color my hair, I think I will still do that, even if I'm not going on a date night, maybe it will make me feel better about myself, even if I can't compete with his prime(s). Well, the one thing I am excited about this weekend is Game of Thrones and finally seeing Avengers: Endgame, at least something to look forward to.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: I hate being someone's afterthought, no longer going to go on a fake date just to get some fake photos to post for others - to assume things are great.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivational
    Jim Rohn: How to Achieve Absolutely Anything You Want



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    [​IMG]
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
    4/27/19 |

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    Wade W. Wilson likes this.
  20. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

    545
    1,119
    123
    Good grief! Sometimes I think you and I have been living parallel lives - the same situations, interactions and thoughts. I COMPLETELY get you frustration and hurt. Hugs.
     
    Jagliana likes this.

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