My SO journal

I finally got a decent night of sleep last night thanks to the medications my doc prescribed. I didn't wake up once, I even snoozed my alarm a bit this morning. I don't think I've had a good night of sleep since D-day.

I saw my therapist today and we had a good conversation. We talked about boundaries and about addictive behaviors and some of the things I can expect from him while we are working through this and beyond. I talked with her about some of the things that I had found when I went looking on his computer and how I felt like he had been lying to me about the length of time he has realized that this was a problem and how much that hurts. Even when he was trying to be up front with me he couldn't be honest with me. We talked about the timeline for disclosure, and while I think that it's wonderful that their goal is to have it done within four weeks, I don't know that I can be functional at work if I'm waiting for that bomb to drop or dealing with the fallout from that disclosure itself.

I think I'm going to make myself go to the gym in a little bit. I really don't want to, but I know that my mood will improve if I go and work out. I think I might change over to Fitness Connection. They have a women's only area to work out and I think that I would be more comfortable with that. I've always been self conscious about my body, and I feel safer working out around just women.

 

I decided to grow a pair last night and bring up what had been on my mind the last few days with SO. I had finally gotten to a place where I was pretty sure I wasn't going to lose it when I brought it up, and I feel a little better now that we've talked about it. I'm still not 100% sure that he told me the truth about it, but after talking about it I feel like a little of the weight had been taken off of my heart. It also turned into a discussion about everything and that was good. We didn't go in to any details, because I have made it very clear that I don't want a staggered disclosure, but we talked about triggers and how he has been feeling over the last few days and it was good. Our communication has been pretty messed up recently so it was really good to just talk about things.

Went to the gym again this morning. I think we are going to make this a habit. It's so much easier to make myself go when I know that there is a safe space for me to work out where no one is ogling or judging.

SO just left for another meeting. This will be the 3rd one this week. He's been trying to keep to a routine too with the exercising, the being productive and the meditation. I feel like he's doing pretty well with it. I feel much better about his commitment to this than I did last week. I was feeling pretty resentful this time last week.

 

It's barely after noon and it's already been a day. I'm exhausted and sad and feeling a little tearful. I may go hide in my little cave later and have a nice therapeutic cry.

SO had his 1:1 therapy session today. We both decided to skip the puppy group class this morning because we were exhausted and the weather has been super gross. On the way to his therapy session SO got rear ended. He's ok, but the bumper is wrecked. It's a brand new car. -_-

Finally talked to my mother for the first time in about a month. That was nice. I talked to her about how things are going and told her SO and I are having some problems. She didn't push for more information and was very supportive. I'm really happy that I have her in my life. We were on pretty bad terms for a while after my first marriage. I missed talking to her, but I'd been avoiding it because I didn't want her to know about everything going on right now because I don't want her to look at SO differently. I'm really happy that I bit the bullet and called her.

I found some questionable google searches on SO's computer this morning. We're going to have to have a conversation about it this evening when kiddo goes to bed. I really want to be able to trust him, but it's difficult when he doesn't share with me.

 

I haven't written in this in a couple of days, but I've started keeping a physical journal. I think writing a letter to myself is easier than admitting my thoughts and feelings to others, even under the guise of anonymity. SO and I had an ok weekend. I've been feeling a little low. I think I've been trying to fill this emptiness within myself with rampant consumerism. Seriously. I've bought so much stuff on groupon, amazon and in store it's ridiculous. I mean, most of it was stuff we legitimately needed, but I'm usually more of a penny pincher when it comes to money. I don't like to extraneously spend and I worry about our finances constantly. Recently, I just can't bring myself to care about it.
I can't bring myself to care about much. SO is currently at his therapists office working on his full disclosure letter. I just got back from work after requesting a little more time off because I'm going to need more than one day to have a meltdown after all of this. Still not sleeping well despite the medications doc prescribed. Still having panic attacks.

I've been trying to figure out what self care means for me. I don't think it means buying so much crap that I put myself in to debt, but I will admit it is nice to get things in the mail. I've been going to the gym with relative frequency. Prior to this I was pretty sedentary outside of work. I've gone and gotten new glasses/contact (first in 3 years) and I have colored my hair. I've been taking a bubble bath pretty much every day and keeping my legs nice and smooth. I bought a groupon for laser hair removal and I'm going to take care of some of the more troublesome areas for good. Journaling has been helpful, as have deep breathing exercises. I don't really know what else to do.

Things with SO have been strained more than usual over the weekend. Because I have been feeling so low and disconnected this weekend, we haven't been communicating as much. I've shut down completely a couple of times. There have been a few instances where I establish touch (my love language) and I've seen him flinch. I asked him to rub my back and he declined and said that it was too arousing. He made an offhand statement about how going to the gym might make me feel more comfortable in my renaissance dress and I snapped. I told him that I was comfortable with my body, but it's others I do not feel comfortable around. I have been emotionally abused, ogled, drugged and raped. I don't feel comfortable showing a lot of skin around a bunch of strangers in an environment that I cannot control. It's also why I like his gym. There is a women's only section and that is where I feel safe to work out. He's made me question my self image and that really hurts. We went to see Craig Ferguson over the weekend. I really wanted to enjoy it, but I couldn't feel anything. I did have some laughs, which was nice, but Craig is my favorite and it should have been a much more awesome time than it was. I feel cheated.

 

I realize I probably over shared this morning. I was in a really negative head space. Apologies.

 

Still minimal sleep.. Still feel numb. Went to COSA meeting today. I thought sharing might elicit some kind of emotion. It did not. Told my SO that I just want to feel something. Full disclosure tentatively scheduled for next weekend. Ready to knock it out. I want it done so I can know, you know? This narrative that is going on in my head is probably worse than what I'm going to hear. Really tired of the narrative. Can't stop thinking about it. Going to go snuggle babies tomorrow and have lunch with some good friends. Hopefully that'll be good.

 

I hadn't thought about it. It would probably be a good idea to take separate vehicles so that I can have space after. I don't plan on bringing a confidante with me, but one of my best friends lives about a mile away. We're having lunch tomorrow so maybe I'll see if she's cool if I melt down at her house.

 

Should I actually bring someone with me to this? That seems uncomfortable for everyone involved...

 

I mean, I know I didn't get the full disclosure. I asked him to just write it all out so there would just be one more big knife to my gut. I'll talk to my therapist about it on Thursday, but there's a friend I'm seeing tomorrow that could be helpful if she's comfortable with it.

 

A full nights sleep and baby snuggling was super helpful. My mood feels lighter and even though I still feel exhausted and sad, I wasn't up until 1-2am again last night! I'm going to call it a win. Full disclosure officially scheduled for next saturday and polygraph scheduled for that monday. @Lostneverland I did go ahead and talk to my friend about possibly needing to have her support that day and she was all for it. It's nice to have that in my back pocket. Thanks for suggesting it.