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Unbroken

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by B3unbroken, Jan 22, 2019.

  1. B3unbroken

    B3unbroken Fapstronaut

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    Detachment/letting go - step 1 work

    I spent a good year and a half making myself crazy about my husbands addiction. I did a lot of reading and research about the subject. Watched videos. Read books. I was learning more then him. I was working harder then him. On something that was HiS not mine. It took away from my life, my peace, my sanity. I would send him stuff to read. Tell him what he should be doing to get better. I sent him therapists to call. I told him to get an accountability partner and when he needed one by. I was telling him how he should work his recovery. I was checking on him daily. And getting upset when he wasn’t doing what I wanted. When I wanted. I was annoying him and going in circles with myself. I was angry all time. Depressed. I had anxiety. I still get anxiety. And I kept doing the same things over and over and getting the same results. We weren’t getting better. He wasn’t getting further and I wasn’t happy.

    I knew I had to surrender to the fact that I was actually powerless over him, his addiction, his choices and our future. I needed to let go of my expectations of him and needed to have expectations of myself.

    I decided I wanted my happiness back and it was up to me to make myself happy regardless of what he is or isn’t doing. I stepped back into my lane and decided I’m going to work on myself and become awesome. I still have boundaries, there are consequences for breaking them. I’m loving myself. I’m surrounding myself with others who are on the same journey of healing. We’re past denial and taking responsibility for our happiness.

    The amazing thing is, when I stopped my obsessive behaviors around his addiction he actually stepped up his game. He started going to meetings, reading books, doing devotions, journaling. He goes to a new therapist...on his own. He was going to meetings. When he told me he wanted to seek a more fitting meeting, I didn’t get angry. I told him he needed to do what he felt would be best for his recovery. He decided he wanted a more Christian based program and reached out to a guy from church..on his own. Made plans to meet with the guy and met today. He asked him if he could be his accountability partner and the guy told him about a Christian based group he’s been attending. This is all completely out of his comfort zone..yet he did it...on his own. I support him when I see his efforts and I gracefully pull away and do healthy things for myself when I see him slacking. If he exhibits IA behaviors, I pull away again. When he sees or feels my distancing he asks me about it and I communicate to him what I’m feeling and why. He recognizes his part and apologizes.

    I know I’m getting better too. I’m no longer on depression meds and I rarely take the anxiety meds. Today he asked my option on something he was thinking about doing to help him while he’s away and to help with my getting triggered. I told him that it wasn’t my choice, that he needed to do what he felt was best for his recovery and his intentions behind it. I told him that my triggers are mine to own. They may or may not be a result of something he’s done. Regardless their mine. When he talked me through my last trigger, without getting defensive, that is exactly what I needed. I didn’t stay in it longer because he was keeping communication open and not shutting down or shutting me out.

    I’m letting life happen. I’m not trying to control it. Everything will turn out exactly as it is meant to.
     
  2. B3unbroken

    B3unbroken Fapstronaut

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    Checking in -

    It’s been a crazy/busy/overwhelming week so far (and we’re only half through it). Been slammed at work, feel behind at home, etc.

    I’m just going to have to surrender to the fact that I can only do so much in a day or week. And be patient with myself.

    I’ve been having terrible shoulder/neck pain with awesome headaches to go along with it. I’m going to PT for it but I think it might just irritate it even more, which stinks. Monthly messages were doing pretty good. I think it might be time for that again.

    Plus I’m trying to get ready for my mini vacation :cool:. I’m definitely going to need it! Hoping to read more and do some recovery work on the long plane rides. Or just Netflix and chill...we’ll see.

    Been doing okay with my goals. I start a women’s bible study tomorrow night. I was asked to greet and figured it would be good to attend as well. Praying I’ll get a lot out of it.

    Nothing else to really report. Which is a good thing on this site o_O.

    Hope everyone has been experiencing peace and calmness in the storm. Hang in there!
     
    Last edited: Feb 28, 2019
  3. B3unbroken

    B3unbroken Fapstronaut

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    Am I there yet!?

    I tried not dancing to the music. I let him know I was having anxiety. He said “we’ll figure it out”, all I thought was no “I’ll have to figure it out”. Told him I feel like a team of one right now. I’ve been fighting myself all week. It was a matter of time before the weight of everything became too much for me. I’m human and can only handle so much, yet I tend to try to tackle more.

    I just wanted to cry. Really I was trying hard to fight back crying but he came home and wanted to know why I was anxious. I didn’t want to talk about it until I calmed down and had a grip. Instead I lost it because I feel overwhelmed. I spontaneously scheduled a trip, yes, but I asked him to take off and make himself unavailable while I was gone. Instead he chose not to. Now trips are scheduled for when I’m away. I absolutely hate having to rely on other people. Part of what sprung on my anxiety switch in the first place. I’ve been taught & learned all my life to rely on no one but myself. My husband made me feel like we were a team and I could rely on him. I’m not feeling that way at the moment.

    Another thing I’ve been trying not to allow to bother me this week is knowing he had a “slip”. He hasn’t shared that with me. But I asked him before I left for bible study and he denied it. I just got up and left.

    When I got home he had everyone in bed and apologized for pushing me away. For not caring enough to block himself off the schedule for me. I thanked him for the apology when I felt he actually knew what he was apologizing for and not just doing it out of obligation. Then I waited for the apology for lying. It didn’t come.

    We sat, drank a glass of wine and conversed a decent amount. He said he was ready for bed and that’s when I decided to mention that I was surprised he still hadn’t apologized for lying. He looked puzzled. I clued him in..no relapses, no slips? He said he hasn’t had a relapse and so I called him on the slip. Then came the justifications of why he didn’t admit it at the time..blah, blah. I didn’t get angry and I won’t. I just said for someone who’s trying to work on becoming trustworthy, it was pretty natural of him to just blatantly lie to me. That clearly tells me where he is in his recovery.

    That stung, he just went bed. He feels it. He’s wrong. I shouldn’t have to call you on being a liar. You shouldn’t be one in the first place.

    I am not in control of his choices. But I’m not going to bury my head in the sand either. I’ll always call him out. Maybe not right away but I will.

    It’s just disappointing that he’s still at a place of lying to me. I hate that I don’t have a partner who can be completely honest with me. Makes me detach further because he just proved he’s still not safe for me. He’s still not trustworthy. I know he’s human and I think I have a lot of grace for my husband, especially compared to some, but come on already!

    Give me some credit. This isn’t my first rodeo so please don’t insult my intelligence.

    So disappointing...
     
  4. TryingHard2Change

    TryingHard2Change Distinguished Fapstronaut

    Sorry friend...that is really disappointing to hear. Sorry that he cannot humble himself. Sorry that he does not cherish you properly. :(

    ..

    36 hours to Vegas? I hope all the last-minute planning ans scheduling comes together for you. I know it will. Some much needed relaxation is just around the corner. Hang in there.
     
    B3unbroken likes this.
  5. B3unbroken

    B3unbroken Fapstronaut

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    Thanks he was humble for the first part and just knew he screwed up on the second part.

    I’m so ready for my mini vacation!
     
  6. B3unbroken

    B3unbroken Fapstronaut

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    Leaving on a jet plane :D

    We went out last night with all his coworkers and their wives. A farewell to a close coworker of his. It was a good time. One coworker in particular is quite the wild one of the bunch. My husband was actually calling me the other day to tell me was going day drinking with this guy but I was in the midst of my anxiety attack so he knew it was wise to come home instead. Good call after hearing about all the strip bars the guy went to that day and night. He’s a shameless SA. Has an app to find all the local places and everything. It disgusts me that even exists. His wife seemed to not mind. They’ve been together like 21yrs, I guess she’s just accepted him for him.

    I understand I suppose. Once upon a time those places didn’t bother me. I thought I was the “cool” girlfriend for not minding and going along with. I felt secure or something. So I thought. Now I look at it as I didn’t know my value and worth at the time. I accepted less than what I deserved. I deserved to be the only girl my guy needed to see naked. I deserved to be the only girl my guy lusted after, touched. It’s interesting how much my perspective has changed in regard to what I find acceptable.

    So now I’m on my way to “Sin City”. I couldn’t help but smile saying goodbye bc I know how it feels to be on that side. I don’t ever think he really knows how it feels. To wonder or worry about what I’m doing. How I’ll behave. He probably almost wishes I’d misbehave so he’d be justified. I don’t think he trusts the friend I’m meeting. He compared her to the out of control coworker. She’s not even close. She’s not boy crazy. Sex crazy. Or shameless. And I don’t have an addiction that she would enable. She does like to take me to the edge of trouble but she never pushes me over.

    It’s nice to see him worry a little. It at least shows some care, a bit of protection or uncomfortable emotion for him. Makes me feel like he can relate with my feelings. He’s probably concerned about my distance bc of the other night too. Understandable. I’m present but I don’t actually feel connected. I haven’t been touchy feely or cuddly really. Even during sex I didn’t want to kiss him or anything. I just feel disconnected. It’s hard when I can emotionally trust him.
     
  7. B3unbroken

    B3unbroken Fapstronaut

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    Home sweet home

    Had a great little get away with my friend. Her family were great hosts and took us to as many places as possible in two-ish days. Little sleep, lots of laughs.

    Turns out husbands overnight trip for Tuesday got cancelled so he was able to pick up the slack at home without us having to inconvenience our families any more. He even tried to make sure I wasn’t worried about anything at home, that he had it all covered. I appreciated that after my anxiety episode last week.

    The reunion home was nice but short lived. I keep getting in a negative mindset with him. He does things that just flip my switch and I get stuck there. First the not blocking his days off when I asked him to, then the lying about his slip, then mentioning he “might” be leaving a day earlier for a work trip to Mexico (when I damn well know it’s an absolute not a “maybe”). Then after being completely into him, playful, touchy-feely, flirty all day yesterday....he asks if I’m (going to stop working) to picking up toddler, which is fine. Until I realize he’s on the computer looking for things to do on the work trip. Mind you, our Italy trip is coming up right before then and still isn’t planned or all hotels booked. So again work stuff over marriage stuff.

    The atmosphere definitely changed after that. I let him know why. He thinks he puts our marriage as his priority..ahead of work. I disagree. Actions speak louder then words.

    So annoying. Just pushes and pushes me further away.

    He did meet with his AP this morning and his therapist tomorrow. But he hasn’t been consistent with his recovery work. He hadn’t been reading, writing or devotionals, he only did so yesterday because I called him on it.
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  8. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    So sorry. Hugs to you.
     
  9. B3unbroken

    B3unbroken Fapstronaut

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    Thank you luv. It is what it is. Tonight I as even worse...
     
  10. B3unbroken

    B3unbroken Fapstronaut

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    Not holding back

    I finally let it all out tonight. I just couldn’t hold back anymore. I stuffed my feelings for too long.

    I wasn’t met with understanding though. I was met with defensiveness and anger. He claims his anger isn’t towards me, yet he is completely shut down and uncommunicative. He’s sleeping on the couch. His choice.

    I told him he isn’t there for me emotionally when I need him so I will not be there for him when he’s ready. I’m so tired of this Merry go round. You either man up when I need you or don’t. And he didn’t. Instead he took it as me trying to start an argument. No idiot I’m trying to give you the chance to make it right...and you failed.

    I’m so over this bullshit. I’m exhausted with the bringing me back to square one with lying. Screw you!!!!!

    How dare you betray me anymore? I’m so over pretending and positivity. I’m over supporting someone who is obviously not willing. Who doesn’t support me when I need him. Glad he could sleep soundly and snore while I’m up pissed that he is such a douche.

    Told him have fun in Cabo don’t bother joining me in Italy. I’ll have fun by myself. I’m sure of it.
     
  11. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    can I come to Italy with you? Sounds like you have an extra ticket. :)
     
  12. TryingHard2Change

    TryingHard2Change Distinguished Fapstronaut

    So sorry friend.
     
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  13. B3unbroken

    B3unbroken Fapstronaut

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    @Susannah sure thing ;) only the tickets non transferable o_O. Lol
     
  14. B3unbroken

    B3unbroken Fapstronaut

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    Just listened to this. It will be controversial. But it had some interesting points. Here it out til the end.

     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  15. Kudos B3 on being willing to look at yourself even when you have reason to put it all on him.
    You will make it easier for him to make progress if he wants to.
    You’re really trying.
     
  16. B3unbroken

    B3unbroken Fapstronaut

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    Freedom

    We both went to a freedom weekend at church. Always beneficial. I felt absolutely amazing last time I went and again, it just realigned me with the life I want to be living. Free from bondage of other ppls sins/choices as well as my own.

    It was a great reminder that none of us were meant to carry this heavy burden. And we don’t have to..

    Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
    ‭‭Matthew‬ ‭11:28-30‬ ‭NIV‬‬


    I know this to be truth because I’ve tested it for myself. The only time I get to the point where it seems I cannot handle all the stresses of this addiction or other aspects of life is when I’m trying to carry the load myself. When I’m trusting in myself to fix it all. And not trusting in the promises of God.

    “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
    ‭‭Jeremiah‬ ‭29:11-13 NIV‬‬

    Not my job. My job is to pray about it, get filled w truth, believe and trust. And the beauty is that it doesn’t matter what someone else (aka my hubs) is doing, as long as I’m staying in my lane and doing these things, I’ll be just fine. Regardless.

    I’m human and I’ll get stressed & triggered again, I’m sure, but I don’t have to stay there.

    I don’t need to do that thing where I predict the future that hasn’t happened yet. Even if my prediction is based on past experience. I don’t need to try to control how much I get hurt because the more I try to play it safe, the less time I’m living free and letting life happen as it’s supposed too.

    Take heart in knowing...regardless of this addiction...you can be free. You can be happy. You can have hope.
     
    mcgrim, Kenzi, Trappist and 2 others like this.
  17. B3unbroken

    B3unbroken Fapstronaut

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    Vacation and beyond...

    It’s been a while since I’ve updated. Life has just not slowed down!

    Vacation was more of an adventure then a “vacation”...but it was absolutely AMAZING! I’m grateful we went to the Freedom weekend before hand. I felt refreshed from that and I can honestly say I didn’t really have many/if any triggers. I didn’t really care to watch for things that would normally trigger me. I was just focused on enjoying myself and everything around me. That’s exactly what I did. We got along great. If anything he started to actually notice more & comment on how often/blatant men (and some women) check me out. He would point it out and initiate holding hands a lot. It felt good (like him chasing me a little). I’m sure he was still checking other women out too, but I honestly just didn’t care. It’s up to him to keep himself in check.

    I’ve been doing well keeping my own compulsive behaviors in check. I’ve even stopped keeping track of how often we’re intimate. I’m just trying to live life instead of trying to control it. Even in the sexual intimacy department, I’ve just decided to let it be what it is. It’s not the passionate, romantic, bonding experience I’d like it be..but it feels good, it’s fun and we both enjoy it. I’ve stopped putting pressure on the quantity. Maybe it’ll evolve into something more loving and intimacy focused instead of just sexual pleasure, but I’m not forcing it. We have healthy intimacy and bonding in other areas of our relationship. I’ll be patient.

    Getting away, just the two of us, was good for us. We had fun together and just enjoyed eachothers company. Reminded me of what I enjoyed about being with him in the beginning. What drew us together in the first place.

    Our Anniversary was earlier this week too. We’ve both been busy catching up with work and home life since we got back but he still managed to pull off surprising me with different dinner plans then I thought and a beautiful gift even though the vacation was supposed to be our only gift to eachother.

    So I guess since he’s been keeping up with his part, it’s helped make it easier for me to stay positive on my end. I’m sure vacation and all that helped but I’m in a good place right now. I feel free.

    Accepting freedom because someone has already conquered, has been a huge part of helping me move forward. I felt so defeated at one point in this journey and now I have hope and I feel refreshed. What a beautiful thing that today is all about resurrection. Coming back to life!

    Happy Easter Friends!


    You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world.”
    ‭‭1 John‬ ‭4:4‬ ‭NIV‬‬
     
    Last edited: Apr 21, 2019
  18. B3unbroken

    B3unbroken Fapstronaut

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    6 months..

    He’s been away all week for training. I’ve been covering everything on the home front.

    Still in a good place. Checked in with him on how he’s been holding up since it’s been over 10 days since we’ve been intimate. I know that’s nothing to some but for us it’s a bit of a stretch. He said today was a struggle but he’s holding out. Honestly today was a struggle for me too. His last full on relapse was Oct. 27th so today is 6mo to the day.

    I was cleaning out my mailbox yesterday and came across the email from when he started to do some digging and discovered IA. It’s interesting that while in the moment you can’t really see progression but over time, looking back..I can see he has really come a long way in recovery. He’s grown and I can see it. He can still fall all the same but he’s definitely more conscious and aware of himself.

    He pushed himself out of his comfort zone to FINALLY step up and take action. Reached out to someone who used to go to our church, on his own, to be his AP. Seeing a Christian therapist (although that’s been a few wks). Meets with both pretty regularly. He going to an intensive Men’s weekend his AP told him about. A year ago he NEVER would have gone to something like that. He would have somehow found any excuse for why he couldn’t go. Actually his shame alone would have held him back from the possibility. So there is growth. It always feels painfully slow, and trust me it has been, but at least I have hope now. He’ll probably have anxiety leading up to it and I’ll be praying for him to just push through.

    So those are the things I’m grateful for at the moment. Progress. I know God brought us together to do great things. Not to stay stuck in a whirlwind of pain and misery.

    This journey has helped me grow too. I’ve had to face my past, process unwanted pain, past and present hurts, forgive, ask forgiveness, address wrongs, stand up for myself, love myself, set boundaries, give grace, have faith and rely on God. I have to continue doing all of that whenever it constitutes. Most importantly I need to remind myself to stay free from chains of all this mess. My savior didn’t go to the cross for me to stay in bondage.

    So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.”
    ‭‭John‬ ‭8:36‬ ‭NIV‬‬
     
  19. B3unbroken

    B3unbroken Fapstronaut

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    Almost 1 year...

    I haven't posted in about 6 months. I had to stop staying "stuck" in my unhealthy loop or roller coaster. I needed a break to really focus on my healing more. I'd say this past year there has been a lot of growth and changes in both my husband and myself.

    I've slowed down on going to my COSA group since summer was hectic but I continued with "Married & Alone" calls and my husband recently encouraged me to try the women's group that counters the mens group he attends. So far I love it. We're going through "Hope after Betrayal" book & workbook. Its tough to get back into this since I sort of took a "break" from it for months. I hadn't journaled or checked in w/ him. Nothing. He continues to see his therapist regularly, meet his AP when they can and attends his mens group. He's not doing work regularly, initiating the intimacy exercises regularly and I can see when he uses busyness and other things to cope but I haven't been on him.

    I've learned to take my triggers, feel them, think about them, then tell myself "nope, not gonna go there". Then I move on. I've moved on from this being the primary focus of my life. My obsession & demise. I'm happy that my husbands addiction no longer controls me. There's been a few other things in my life that have consumed me though. Similar to the way that his addiction did. It's like an obsessive compulsive tendency that makes me anxious. I will overthink and stress about things that are ultimately not in my control, just like my husbands addiction.

    Anyway, I took all the "lies" that this addiction and my broken past had fed me and I replaced them with truth. Gods truth. That my value and worth can only come from my Creator. I am valued. I am Loved. I am beautiful. He has good plans for me (regardless of my husband and his choices). I took those truths and I really accepted them. I prayed and meditated through Ephesians and allowed Gods truth to permeate my heart.

    More recently even sexually I'm getting more healthy minded. I went through a small phase where I wasn't and finding myself feeling a little guilty about that. I was always using sex to feel desired, loved and validated. Interestingly I haven't even really had a crazy appetite. I want to say we were only intimate 3x's last month and I was actually okay with it. I even turned him down a few times and didn't feel guilty or worried. Part of the reason is we go to bed too late, but also he's been crazy busy lately and I've been supportive of that but I haven't felt connected. If I'm not feeling connected or if he's initiating and doesn't kiss me, it's a turn off. I want real intimacy. I'm not going to force it though.

    Oct. 27th marks 1 year since my husbands relapse. I have been triggered a little this month. I think because it's approaching and old habits die hard. I'm so much better than this time last year but I'll always have intrusive thoughts, worries and questions from time to time. There will still be hard days. But they are less now and I handle them differently.

    I had the courage to write out and journal my feelings and my triggers. Then the following day I told my husband I needed to have an uncomfortable conversation with him. I asked if he fantasized or had any inappropriate feelings for a coworker. Its a fear of mine and an insecurity of my own, I know that, but I felt I needed to confront my fear head on instead of letting it take me down the rabbit hole of imagination and the world of things that never happened. I also asked if felt he flirts with her or seeks attention. If he feels he has an appropriate professional relationship. As expected he denied and feels he's alway felt nothing but professional. It wasn't a defensive conversation or reaction, the guard wasn't really up. I let him know what bothers me around his interactions and what I was hypersensitive to. Instead of dismissing or getting defensive he heard me out and tried to see it from my perspective. We talked about the progress since last year, him checking in with me periodically, and keeping the walls down and lines of communication open. I told him I'd rather have honesty even it hurt so it wouldn't have a chance to thrive int he darkness and potentially hurt me worse later.

    I'm not holding on so tightly now. I'm letting things fall where they may and because of that I'm in a much better place, free from the bondage of his addiction. We'll always have room to grow but we are becoming closer over time.

    Take the wins, leave the loses!
     
    Last edited: Oct 13, 2019
  20. TryingHard2Change

    TryingHard2Change Distinguished Fapstronaut

    Hello old friend .. Life. Continues. That is the good news .. and maybe a small sense of peace in that truth too.
     

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