Sex addiction, blue pills & desensitisation

I've had sex with a couple of hundred women in my life -- that's been alongside my porn addiction and included dating websites and so on. I'm now a middle aged guy and have pretty much done it all.

I started watching porn as a teen, went on to actually sell it in the days of VHS and, well I ended up exposed to way more than most people did in the 80s and 90s - internet porn just made it easier.

I'm not promiscuous like I was in my thirties, but the high sex drive from those days has absolutely taken a toll on me.

So, ED...

I was already desensitised by years of acting out, but for the large part I arrogantly blamed the women for not being good enough -- I didn't consider it as ED, I didn't own responsibility and instead just moaned about women not turning me on anymore. I somehow prided myself on my staying power.

Then came the V...

About ten years ago I discovered the dreaded blue pills -- the experience of this after years of sexual acting out was amazing -- I could get turned on in situations where I normally wouldn't be able to perform!

This is the issue now -- although I've just reset, I've had some long stretches of abstinence (a few months at a time) and every time I've had sex I'm still resorting to the blue pills.

With the last gf I tried to wean myself off, and (while I didn't tell her) I did notice some improvement -- we did have sex without it a few times and I took a lower dose than ever (25mg) but there's still an element of shame about this that I don't seem to be able to work through.

After a while I started taking more, just to push my body harder - like, when I wasn't in the mood it would help me to perform anyway.

It's not a physical thing, I know this, but something seems to block me mentally.

It's frustrating, and I wonder if anyone here has had, or is going through, a similar experience?

 

I did 4-5 months of a complete celibacy reboot a couple of years back -- with the only break in that being a few dates that never went beyond kissing etc.

In fact, over the last two years, I've had more abstinence than I have sexual activity -- I think I need more than just a reboot, but right now I agree it's the best I can do with the knowledge I have.

 

Everything except for self-discipline - which seems to have broken down after my most recent breakup. But I'm starting again so hopefully that will approve.