Rocks....losing, living under & throwing....My Journal

Hello everyone!

I’ve been posting on NoFap since Nov/Dec 18, but today I’ve decided to start a journal. I didn’t originally think I needed to as I do not have any problems speaking with people and telling them what’s on my mind and seeking support and guidance.
However, I’ve got to the stage where I may not need or like what they will tell me, so I think venting on here will give me the safe space I need now.

My background.....was married for 11 years until Jan-17 when my DH passed away from a very short cancer journey of just 8 months. We have 2 wonderful children who are 12 & 10 now.

In the Aug-17 I met someone online, this was my first experience of the new online dating etc having always been in long term relationships my whole adult life.

Anyway, me and my now SO hit it off well and chatted nice and pleasantly whilst he was away on work detachment (military) for a whole month until we finally had our first date.

Since our first date, we hit it off and our relationship flourished effortlessly. He was so kind, loving, attentive, attractive and everything else I could wish for .....I was on cloud 9 despite my journey with grief. After a few months I started to notice some stuff, stuff I wasn’t used to in my marriage. Looking back at my marriage I always thought we had a healthy intimate life as both of us would always be pleased and it was not massively regular but enough that it never went too long to create an issue. My DH was quite prudish and didn’t enjoy any type of innuendo or smut talk by anyone who was around him. He wasn’t uptight just not a fan. He wasn’t a ladies man either, he was happy with me and the kids and didn’t actually seem to spend any time lusting over or ogling other women. So for that, I felt very secure. I didn’t always feel as loved with affection as I do now as my new guy is much more open to public displays of affection whereas my DH wouldn’t ever want to hold my hand. I knew he loved me as his other actions showed me I was his world. I just always wished for more romance and affection.

So along came this new guy, who showered me with love and affection. Coming back to my point I was trying to make, I had noticed he would take longer to finish and quite often not be able to without doing to manually to himself. As this approach became more frequent I started to worry. I looked up desensitisation as I feared he was so used to self soothing he wasn’t finding the sensitivity in the act with me to be enough to finish. Whilst he was away on a detachment in the Jan-18 I asked him to cut it right back, maybe restrict himself to maybe once a week to see if it helped. I didn’t at this point make any connections to the fact he would have to watch porn to MO. I was so naive to this fact at that point.

Anyway, I don’t know if he actually did cut back but either way we didn’t actually get to the bottom of it. At one point he inferred that it was me. So I felt quite embarrassed and ashamed of my body that it was preventing him from this at times. I figured it was a positive sign of my affection and attraction to him.

Moving on and in. Sep-18 he moves in with me and the kiddos. It’s at that point my gut was telling me he was using porn too frequently. I checked his history and could see he was looking most days. He’s never hid the fact he watches it so I can’t blame him about that. He didn’t however explain or recognise how much was in fact too much!!!

After he moved in his libido dropped radically compared with mine....although in his defence mine was ridiculously high!!

I was starting to see quite big red flags in his behaviour. He was looking at P or at how to use a sex toy or something erotic to get him ready to be intimate with me!!!!! D-Day for me was on my romantic 40th birthday trip away with him, he was avoiding the intimacy I think partly due to his condition and the pressure of rising to the occasion I had built up in my head. Anyway, the penny dropped for me when we were talking about boob jobs, as since meeting him and knowing how much he googled big boobs and loves them and his ex’s had large ones and blonde hair, I’ve become so paranoid and unsure of myself. Back to the point....he was talking about scars from them and started to google boob job scars in front of me...I knew at that moment what he was doing.....his ex had a boob job so if anyone would know what the scar looks like it would of been him!!!!!

So following that I came accross the TED talk. I sent it to him and that was his D-Day!!!

Since then we’ve or more like I’ve been trying to process it all, the hurt, the inadequacies I feel, the trauma of seeing what he’s looked for and the actual condition he has. It’s been a massive rollercoaster and the ride doesn’t seem to be ending anytime soon.
At first I figured it would be a case of simply him abstaining like the others have and build up from there! Oh how wrong I was. I didn’t account for the very thing that breeds & feeds it and that’s the secrecy and lies. He downloaded the Victory app and read a few books I brought him, but by Xmas he was still unable to abstain when left alone. After installing covenant eyes and unlocking all technologies and starting some new good habits of leaving it all charging downstairs he started to resort to more desperate lengths to get his fix. So far that’s been Instagram, Gumtree, eBay, Etsy, TV Browser & the very worst ....videos and photos of his ex , that was the straw that broke my faith & hope! How could if he sunk so low to do such a personal thing to get his fix? How can I rationalise with crazy?!!!! Oh man it took me several days before I could begin to feel the dark cloud above me lift a bit and allow some light back in. In that time he was still acting out.
So, that was a week ago today. Since then he’s had his 3rd appointment with his therapist (transactional analysis) and has said he has commenced his own journal on here. He has asked his BF to monitor his thread to make sure he updates it daily. We figured it would be a great way for him to start to develop the skill of verbalising his emotions in the hope he can learn to cope in ways without P. So I start my week again with a refreshed approach and some tiny glimmer of hope!

I will end today’s thread by saying I know this is a super tough journey for anyone to endure and given my circs it’s def not ideal for me, but I do love him and without this addiction he is the guy I want to grow old with. However I am only human and I have to protect myself and kids from further pain so whilst he tries to get a grip on this, I’ve said our future planning is ‘on hold’ until it’s clear if we even need to. For now, it’s day by day. It’s the only part of this I can control.

I am not religious but I pray he can overcome this as he is an amazing person who deserves a great life and I want to be the one he shares it with.

In addition to this I’m going to log daily the positives I see around me and my family and life and appreciate them so I don’t allow my thoughts to go too low or just focus on the negatives.

 

Thank you @Kenzi i appreciate your support.

He’s out the house at work so those days are always easier as keeping him occupied.

The struggles we face are he works in the military and on shift work so he will quite often be away for work and up to 28 days at any time 2-3 times a year plus working shifts day and nights, means he is home alone mid week quite a bit.

I think he’s committed to beating this, but his style and pace and approach is not the same as mine.

I am happy day to day with our life, so me setting firm boundaries and supportive consequences but also setting the tone that we are ‘on hold’ until he can get a better grip on it all, is all I can do right now.

I don’t think it’s a threat, more of a sanity check on how much is too much and for how long?!!

I do worry being ‘on hold’ could cause further suffering for my kids and me as we become so attached to him in our life and home, but I didn’t feel ready to push him out yet if this is something he wants to fight for. So we are hanging in there for now.....

He’s started his journal a few days ago he tells me....he wasn’t keen for me to read it so I won’t for now. Feel free to check out his updates user Ffob2468.

To me, It’s like my grief journey. I have days of clarity, days of uncertainty and days of Despair and disbelief!!! , but I am quite a tough cookie so I can put up with a fair bit.

I keep coming back to the bit in my mind where Terry Crews wife says ‘women, you’ve gotta be fearless’.....what does that actually look like?!!!

 

Lovely words & sound advice to keep me motivated. This whole world of PA is something I wished I never had to know anything about....a bit like when I had to learn about my DH cancer and treatment & future without him! It can be overwhelming at times.

I'm not afraid to be alone, as I was before meeting him. I am afraid it will fail & with that it will cause more hurt & uncertainty with my kids through all they've endured already losing their amazing daddy. But I have to remember I never knew and I wouldn't have until now and its too late! He has been super patient with me, allowed me to vent quite a bit, tell some of his closest friends and mine and some of his family. I don't think I've been subjected to gaslighting or such yet....but I will remain vigilant.

 

I didn’t plan to journal daily but I guess here I am!

So last night, I found myself awake all through the night my Brain was talking to myself as if I was blogging on this forum...it was so bizarre. I didn’t go to sleep upset or anxious. Since becoming a widow I haven’t suffered too much with insomnia but since this addiction came to light, I’ve found it has prevented me from dropping off to sleep and often and waking me up!

Anyway, today was just a little mini moan that’s all. My SO says he’s keeping up with his journal (3 days so far) so hoping that’s helping him. His CE app keeps glitching on his android and not sure why...we are having fun seeing the screen captures with the new features. The only feature I’m not a fan of is being able to block certain sites like eBay, you only get 2 options now and aren’t able to specify certain sites.

I don’t know about some of you, but I find forums can be helpful but sometimes a hard reality and reminder of the overwhelming mountain we are all trying to climb!!!

Anyway, ok a positive note...I had a nice manicure at lunchtime and I am waiting to hear about my work bonus and pay rise...so today isn’t too bad after all

Happy Tuesday xx

 

Strange vibe about today. My SO was home most of the day as started nights tonight. He seems to be a little cranky, I’m wondering if it’s withdrawals ??? We did go to the same gym class again which was nice. The vibe I’m sure is the anticipation of an ‘act out’....we’ve never gone many days yet so I feel it’s looming!

After gym class I came home and worked before meeting a friend for lunch whilst SO went to his 4th therapist apt. He’s not yet communicated how it went today as he either wasn’t up for sharing or time didn’t really allow. So will see if he mentions in next few days.

I’ve been reading a lot on betrayal trauma and I’m not sure if it’s helping or again making me feel negatively about the possibility of this ever going away!!!!

Sometimes I find myself still shocked at some of his actions, and lengths he’s taken to get his fix. It’s so hard processing it, and trying to be a good fair support for him. I know I can have a terrible habit of bringing it up or referencing it without saying hardly anything! This is def something I have to work on.

So for today and the rest of this evening, it’s chill time to myself and time to think about it all.

My positive for today is Ive been feeling so confident with my boundary of ‘our future is on hold’ until this situation becomes stable. It takes the pressure off me now to commit to anything but keeps it on him to work his recovery every day! My favourite saying that I say to anyone who needs a pet talk it ‘Be Strong like BULL!’ (Said in a funny foreign accent!) That’s me!

Wishing you all a happy hump day!

 

Www.btr.org ive been looking up their stuff and also listening to podcasts it’s quite good but I also read stuff that said too much time in ‘victim’ mode can undo or prevent me from recovering too!

REMISSION would be amazing! I will take even relief from a month of it! Ha ha but yes Remission hell ya!

What is this SAST you mention?

 

Do you take the test to see how you score later in your recovery ? I just took it to see how I scored...lol. Apparently I’m not an addict.
I wonder what my SO would come out at?

 

Love this quote

 

Oh ok!

 

Happy Valentines Day Y’all!!!

Today has been up and down and a little bit flat....today is Day 8 for my SO being P&M free.....he’s been working hard so had been kept busy and occupied. He said he worries for times when left home idle..so we have those challenges to face.

He slept in today as worked nights so we exchanged cards when he woke. Secretly I was expecting some flowers today but none arrived . We enjoyed a nice steak dinner together (minus the wine as he has to work) and just after 6pm when he had to leave to work he confessed he’d ordered some flowers for me but the delivery agent has messed up! So I guess at least the thought was there!

Goodness I sound so high maintenance these days....I think after everything I’m expecting showers of love and affection to keep flowing to keep me sane! I know that’s not what it’s all about but it helps sweeten the situ.

So today’s positives were...my dad finally fixed my roof, my boss finally called and told me my payrise and bonus amounts (apparently highest score in the company!) and the sun was shining bright at lunch so I took the opportunity to go for a run in the great British countryside.

Thinking of you all today

 

I forgot to mention that the flowers did arrive, just super late!!!! But nonetheless they came

 

Haven’t been on here for a few days as been busy with home and work and the weekend.

Not really a lot to report other than my SO appears to be holding strong on his no P&M for what will be 12 days now...I did say to him I have concerns on how hard he will find admitting any slips now it’s been a few weeks...but I guess all we can do is sit and hope and see.

His Therapist recommended a book called ‘Men in Love’ by Nancy Friday. After I read some extracts I’m not sure on her reasoning as it’s all about the male fantasies and need for them, but details in graphic from people who’ve shared their inner most desires. We read some together but it is quite intense and provocative. I’m not sure if it’s ideal for him To read alone or not at this early stage. The therapist seems keen to explore how he can fantasise & MO in a more controlled and non excessive way. Again not sure how ideal that is at the moment but for now it’s just ideas.

I’m really enjoying the down time from worrying if he is indulging in PMO or not, but I don’t want to get too comfortable. I am meant to be asking him daily how he is and any struggles but on days where it’s obvious he’s been busy I don’t feel as confident to ask him.

Tomorrow I am Leaving him home alone to head to the office . This is usually when he has acted out in the past. Hoping tomorrow will be different.

My positive for today is we’ve just been for an amazing overnight stay in a beautiful setting whilst enjoying G&T tasting and some much needed alone time.

Have a great rest of your Monday everyone!

 

I feel like I am in the eye of the storm.....waiting for something to blow up! All the while nothing is erupting I am finding I have come back to a quite calm pace and piece of mind. When I drive to work my mind is relatively relaxed and free from anxiety or anguish but I do worry how I will react at the next slip or worse still relapse.

I’m still working on me, exercising and catching up with friends. Making small term plans like mini breaks together for something to look forward to.

A couple of things have caused me to be a little uneasy....his Fb is locked on iPad until I unlock it but he has started to look on his laptop without actually clearing the air about it. Not a lot and it’s covered with CE. The other thing is the book I mentioned...he read some of it yesterday when I was out...and to his admission he didn’t act on any triggers. He’s also started to take his iPad to work again after saying he would cut back. His iPad is locked out of anything fun so I think he likes to use the CE browser as he can’t on his phone and also his games.

I’m sure all Of this is perfectly ok, I guess it’s just that part of handing back control to him to let him manage moving forward. We’ve got our boundaries, and new healthy habits so the rest is up to him.

The less he acts out the more I’m hopeful I am for our future....but as I’ve mentioned before it’s still day by day for now.

Happy Hump Day
Xxx

 

Totally agree!! He tells me he is on here journaling so fingers crossed he is and it’s helping him voice his inner demons instead of turning to P, but only time will tell.
It’s so frustrating as we were so happy and I know he wants me and our life over any of this as honestly his life has become so fulfilled after living alone or in military digs his whole adult life. I don’t want him to struggle anymore financially or emotionally but I am only human and I cannot commit to a life together with P included. It’s taken so much of my self confidence and I’m trying to gain it back. I get so much attention at work (unwanted obviously!!!!) so I know I’m not a troll!!

Anyways here’s hoping!!!

 

I meant to say good luck and well done you for giving it a go ! Be very proud of that

 

Well here we are just over two weeks in and from what he tells me he’s been clear of P and MO and he said he’s been journaling on here most days (Ffob2468) when his shift pattern allows.

I feel so peaceful compared to just a few weeks ago. I am still concerned more about a relapse and lies more than any slip that I can expect.

I keep finding myself imagining us without this massive hold over us one day it’s so inviting!!!

I have actually been a little distracted with my brother and supporting him out of an abusive relationship but the funny thing is everything I’ve learned about this is helping me coach him. So it’s a mini win on that front. But just like my SO, he needs to stay firm with his boundaries of no contact and take it Day by day and only he can make this split final. So we shall see.

The other positive this week was I managed a 6 mile run, it was so therapeutic running in the spring sunshine in our lovely countryside

 

It’s been a few days and I haven’t been on here to journal but I have been chatting to another SO who found she is on a similar journey . I’ve not heard from her in a few days so hoping she is doing ok.

I think today maybe about 24 days for my guy being P free, he doesn’t say PM Free so not sure where he is overall without M.

24 days!!!! I actually cannot believe it, if it’s true. But for now I want to hope it is. Small steps but at least some welcomed break from it all none the less.

So in my world things appear to be moving in the right direction. I have down days where I’m annoyed or low about having to even endure any of this but the rest of the time I’m fairly positive. I’ve seen my SO become a little more assertive lately which has taken me back at times as sometimes he will push back which I’m not as used to. I also don’t want to back down on discussions as much as I think I still hold some begrudgement, not lots but some.

I’ve been seriously considering breast enlargement surgery but I don’t know if it’s to try and please him as he loves large boobs or for my own confidence....I guess time should tell and I should wait until I’m sure....or maybe get him to pay for them seeing as he has caused this...lol!

He keeps bleeting on about his low libido. But tbh I’m thinking does he even know what a healthy libido is as he’s always used porn and inbetween it he’s had the desire to as he wouldn’t of seen his ex’s as much as me. I don’t think he has a benchmark to return to, I think it’s actually a brand new world he is entering....in the meantime my libido is benched and wasted leaving me feeling rejected at times.

I know it’s not just what we are about, there should be more to us than just sex but I miss it, I miss being able to instigate it, I miss him desiring me, I miss him being ready for me without having to fantasise about me in an ensemble he saw in a shop window that day.

Tomorrow I will be ok, today I’m just struggling with it all. I know he’s done amazingly and I’m so proud I really am.

Porn addiction is like a cancer to the brain, I just hope he can zap it away.