Jagliana's Journal | An S.O's perspective

I will say that yes, how he reacts does play a huge role in the intensity I feel in my trigger. It is just really difficult for me to find my way back, once the trigger begins. I just wish I could snap these triggers away.

 

DAY 352:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "The Budgeting Habit" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

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Last night we didn't talk, we watched two comedy specials instead, which was nice. We wanted to continue watching a series we were in the middle of ("Supergirl" which has been lacking), but I needed a comedic break, especially after the morning I had (trigger).

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Deciding What You Want: Discovering Your Purpose", which was a mix of well known motivational speakers - doing what they do best, inspiring you to figure it out! because when you know more, you can achieve more.

This morning we had to take the little one to the doctor, so we couldn't do our usual morning walk and talk, so after dropping off the older one at school, we drove around a little longer, so we could talk a bit. We discussed the triggers and how he feels about me, how everything is different for him now that he is in recovery and without the porn fog, but as much as I want to believe him, after 12 years of one truth, this is just so difficult to believe/process. He told me that now it kills him to see and know how much pain he has inflicted on me and I actually believe that he feels it, when in the past he had no clue or wouldn't care if he did. The crazy part about all of this is getting upset or mad at him now, seems unfair because he is so different than the guy he was back then, like two different people completely. The confusing part about all of this for me is that sometimes when I talk to him about all of my triggers, feelings or any of this stuff - these days, it's as if I am talking to my new boyfriend, about my ex, whom I was in an emotionally abusive relationship with and this new boyfriend is here to help me process it, all of it is bananas.

Watched some pretty good Trigger/PTSD videos today, I will share them below.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Still emotionally raw after the last few triggers, but still moving forward.

#Healing
Part 1 Overriding the anxiety from abuse and PTSD:


Part 2 Overriding the dread from abuse and PTSD:


Part 3 Using Brain Wave to help you calm the anxiety and dread from abuse and PTSD:


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
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Thank you, it is a really confusing position to be in... knowing the facts at hand (the history/betrayal), but seeing the work, changes, and progress too, knowing the man in front of me today is like a completely different person. It's just all so weird.

 

DAY 353:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "The Budgeting Habit" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

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Last night my back was aching so I asked him if he could rub some spots, so he did, we spoke a little. I also found a new self-help therapy app for fear, anxiety, shame, and triggers (to get rid of them) seems like it might work, I will give it some more tries and then if it does work, post about it further at a later date. Then we went to the living room so we could continue a really funny comedy special that we didn't finish last night.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Jake Ducey: How to Achieve Financial Freedom", where he talks with us about how to achieve financial freedom. This one I wasn't too crazy about, only because he talks a lot about laws of attraction with money, if you wish for it or think it will come, then it will - I've been wishing for a long time, it's not coming. You need to bust your ass to earn pennies and it's still never enough these days.

This morning, we listened to "Ep: 62 Who I Became with Addiction and Betrayal Trauma" and related to it so much. During the majority of our marriage, I coined the term "married but single", his denial caused him to believe I was referring to feeling lonely because he worked all the time. The truth was, it wasn't his job, it was him pushing me further and further away - the deeper he dived into his addiction. I felt so alone and after he listened to this podcast, he figured out, he felt alone our whole marriage too. Both of us were married to each other and both of us felt so alone, the whole time, because we tuned each other out due to his addiction/my trauma (which I didn't know what it was at that point // betrayal trauma that is). Also, it reflected what I mentioned in last night's entry... how when I speak to him these days, it's as if I am speaking to a new partner, about my past relationship... because he is just that different now. All of this is so unreal, confusing and riddled with unknowns because, for me, it is exactly that at this point, a big unknown - I've never been with him like this... in recovery, he's so different in so many positive ways.

An article one of my facebook friends shared today, "Unconditional Love Is Never About Changing Your Partner, It’s All About Acceptance And Growth" caught my attention, so I clicked on it and I'm glad I did. Some quotes that hit the spot for me, because they are now relatable: "We’ve all be guilty of selfish love where we’ve fallen for another person, or rather who we thought that person could be if they wanted to. In reality, we’ve just made up a perfect person in our heads and projected that on someone else." which is exactly how I was able to convince myself to get married in the first place, bypassing all of the red flags I had at the point, I could have avoided a world of hurt if I wasn't so delusional at the time. As for these days, this part rings true: "When you love each other unconditionally, that in itself will inspire both of you to become the best version of yourselves. You will want to be the kind of person you feel your lover deserves". It was a good read.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Even though I was anxious to go into CVS to pick up a prescription this morning, after the last week I had, the trigger was not there this morning, I walked out calm.

#Healing
Using the PTSD as a superhero power instead of a handicap


AdaPia d'Errico - What is Wrong with Me?

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=404976583577478

#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
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DAY 354:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "The Budgeting Habit" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

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Last evening Wade got a text message from Coby! from BAE for an opportunity to join his recovery men's group (he applied for it and finally heard back). Both of us are super excited and he starts next week. He has not been able to find one locally, but to join one where Coby is mentoring? that's pretty cool since we listen to him daily (on BAE) and he inspires him and is so relatable. Then last night, we didn't talk, we cuddled a little and then watched some tv together. We are trying to get through Supergirl, it's getting more difficult with each episode, sad really, the show had so much promise in the beginning... just like Arrow once did.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Les Brown: Helpful Self-Motivation Techniques", where he shares some self-motivation techniques that will help you as you work toward self-mastery. 1) Always work on yourself, never stop. 2) Clear your mind first, then read books, listen to podcasts or watch videos that motivate and inspire you. 3) Have a good morning routine. 5)Develop a health plan/self-care. His main point? remember there are no excuses, you are never too busy to work on yourself, never settle, your potential is unlimited.

This morning, Wade played the "getting ready for check-in's" a video message that Coby sent him, in preparation for his men's group. It was about 30 minutes and quite informative, he is really focusing in on figuring out your emotional state and Wade is still trying to figure all of that out. He was never in tune with his emotions, so it is still difficult for him to pinpoint them I think, but I guess we will see how this goes. Another thing he kept bringing up was figuring out when you are numbing out to something or renewing to something... Wade has various ways of numbing out, even now, maybe not as extreme as he once was but they are still there and I do not know how much it does or does not affect his recovery, I guess it is something he can bring up in the men's group.

Today I continued a bit more with my own classes, learning a lot more about SM marketing then I knew before, some of which I wish I knew before I began trying to brand my design work, sigh but I guess - better later, than never. I'm actually excited to learn new information, it feels good, instead of hearing the same old stuff as before, I'm not nodding off to this, that's for sure. I've also been considering whether to move my NoFap journal posts to a live blog, with backdated posts, just so a wider audience of SO's could find it and maybe get access to the links and info I post, might be an elephant project I might begin working on soon.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Loved how my hair looked today, even messy.

#Motivation
Les Brown - How to Master Self-Motivation


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
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Thank you <3

I am learning so much as I go and I would love to share it with as many SO's in the struggle as I can, so others can benefit from it as well. This life is so confusing, challenging and sometimes it is difficult to find the right content if you don't know where to look.

 

DAY 355:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "The Budgeting Habit" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

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Last night, he gave me a lovely foot rub and really wanted to learn more about my blog idea. So, I spent the time explaining to him exactly what it was I planned on doing. It was nice, he genuinely seems happy and excited for me and considers this a step forward in my healing. Then we spent the rest of that time discussing the emotion wheel that Coby (of BAE) texted to him and would like for him to incorporate into his daily check-in's. How he wants him to list 12 emotions that he feels daily, he didn't know if he could come up with so many, which led to a discussion about what emotions led him to act out, aka "numb out" and how in recent years, he couldn't think of any, it was more situational and habit at that point, the need to do it.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Jay Shetty: How to Have a Happy Successful Life", where he shares some great ideas on how to have a happy, successful life. His main point? failure is only failure, when you don't learn from it.

This morning, he called me on his way home from work and told me Coby texted him back and told him he'd be adding him to the men's group chat, on WhatsApp, alongside the zoom live group's, just so they have a place to talk whenever. Normally I probably wouldn't have said anything about it, but a week or two ago, when he was looking for PA's to AP for, one asked if he could chat with him through WhatsApp, he brought it up to me and I said "okay, go ahead" and he said "I can't, that app is a boundary for me" I was taken back, and said, "really? why?" and he said that he doesn't really remember how or why, but he tried acting out through that app before, he just couldn't really figure out how to use it and that is the only reason he gave up at that point and moved on to other methods. So I pressed on, curiously, because I have heard of this chat app, but didn't care much for it and said how - other than cheating by talking to other people, can you "act out on it" and he said he didn't really remember, but guys at work were using it and told him about it at the time. His sketchy and vague memory about the app and all things surrounding it put a lot of questions and confusion in my head but since he said it was a boundary for him, I suggested he tell the PA to try Discord. Anyhow, so he mentioned Coby's group chat is on WhatsApp... *sigh. So I told him, well that's not good, being that this app is on your boundary list, then he said "yeah, but I don't remember why and I mean I still use FB and don't act out on it" implying he could still download and use it, as he does with facebook... which was supposed to make me... feel better? our whole conversation was really starting to trigger me at that point - plus our daughter was sassing me at the same time, so I told him I don't want to talk about this right now. After hanging up, my mind was a mess - not only was I not sure what to do about that stupid WhatsApp dilemma, but now he had me feeling all sorts of ways about facebook too when I hadn't been for months. he got home, told me he would just tell Coby he can't use that app because it was on his boundary list and then went to bed. I was still triggered though and caught between a rock and a hard place, I don't want him to miss out on important support but I also don't want him acting out or at least having access to a pace he attempted to act out on before - I downloaded WhatsApp to check it out and it is just like any other app, nothing special or nefarious, on its face. So, I did something I shouldn't have, I googled WhatsApp and some keywords alongside it and a lot of stuff popped up, now it's a lot more clear to me what the problem is, of course, it's all user-side, so if I use it = no problem | if he does = who knows? it could remain innocent with just Coby's group OR he could get bored one fine day, with me or in general and seek out some P content knowing I wouldn't check because I was under the impression he was using it innocently, or if he overhears some work buddies talking about an exclusive 18+ secret group chat, that now he is free to join since he has the app? my heart is racing just thinking about it and after the arsenal of possible content that can be exchanged or seen on WhatsApp, the only way I would even consider it would be with P monitoring software on his phone, so I can feel safe that he wasn't going into any P accessible chatrooms or one on ones and I don't want to go there, I haven't done it since recovery began and I wouldn't want to start it now all of a sudden. But now I feel like the asshole because he'll be missing out on Coby's men's group chat and I feel guilty about that, I don't know what to do - like I want to trust him, but there are so many questions swirling on this. I'm actually shocked that Coby uses this app when FB and other SM accounts are on his ban list, kind of odd. I'm way more triggered about this now, then I thought I would be, especially because I do not know what he was trying to do on this app, why he downloaded it before or what he needed it for... was it for P content? to chat with other women? what? I don't know and he doesn't either, so no answers for me, just guesses and an open space for me to fill in blanks myself.

In the afternoon, we went to do an event for our mobile game. We stayed local this time around because this event was a little different than the usual community days. It was cold, so we drove around in the car, so we listened to a few BAE (personal YouTube videos) which were very touching and we had some time to talk about a few things. We talked about my trigger from this morning, the videos and even his Spike narrative when shame came over because of the game. It was good being able to talk about it all. The videos we watched and I highly recommend all SO's & PA's watch them: Gaining trust back | Ashlynn's Story Why I Stayed After He Cheated | Coby's Story I Found Porn at Age 7.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
I began that online blog/journal for my betrayal trauma story, I have not made it live yet, but I am slowly moving copy posts over!

#Motivation
"Never REGRET a DAY in Your LIFE!" | Jay Shetty


#Self-Care
Your Heart Will Heal

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=316903809166945

#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
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It really is like being stuck between a rock and a hard place. We have so much bad experience to pull "I remember when's" from and not enough bank on good ones, I'm trying t give him the benefit of doubt and not just for him, but for me, so I can be a better version of myself, but it is so freaking difficult to do, given, as you've said all that we have already been through - the PTSD is overwhelming and sometimes no matter how much I want to try, the triggers take control. In my rational state, I know that being in this text group is helpful for him, he doesn't have a "men's group" here, the whole purpose of joining this one, is to be a part of one and this is one of the benefits of that. However, my trigger is setting off alarms and mostly because he doesn't even recall why he put this app on his boundary list in the first place.

As for being in a mixed group, I don't think I would be able to handle that so well, you have immense strength @Susannah

That's the frustrating part, I can work with honesty, as I did with his manga app and adjust boundaries, my trust etc., but when there are too many blanks to fill in and there's no one there, other than my imagination to do so... how can I cope with that, what bar do I set? where do I set it? I feel guilty and like an asshole, as it is about all of this, I just hate it all.

Thank you!

 

DAY 356:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
  1/19/19
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "The Budgeting Habit" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

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Last night he had to shave, so he asked if it was okay to take his phone so he could listen to music. He asked because it's been one of our boundaries since the beginning of this recovery, no phones in the bathroom. I said sure, I didn't see the harm in it, I can hear music, after all, so he did, the only thing is he went in, closed the door behind him and then all I heard was dead silence... no music, no water running... nothing for about 10 minutes... of course, I feel my anxiety levels rising up, I got triggered and immediately regretted breaking that boundary and felt like an idiot for it. Then I began self-talk and said "give him the benefit of doubt" so I got up to see if maybe he had put the phone outside the door to use the bathroom first, I look but, nope - no phone there... now I'm wondering wtf is going on. Then I messaged him "I thought you wanted to listen to music?" - no response, and then a few minutes later, I hear a flush (sorry, TMI) and he busts out with "I'm sorry! I put the phone on a shelf and went to use the bathroom"... which doesn't help me much at this point, as I am already triggered... I want to believe him, I know how mindless he can be, but his mindlessness also reminds me of the old him, the inconsiderate him. Then we talked about all of that, as well as the WhatsApp and so we started going through his apps download history to find other ones because when I asked him to open WhatsApp to see if it triggered any memories, he said it didn't... along the way, two-three other apps surfaced that he claims he never heard of or downloaded, but then who did? I downloaded them back onto his phone, so we can check them out together and one was an app like tinder... so I don't know what to make of it, his surprise looks genuine, but in his high, he has done worse betrayal, so who knows? maybe he has blocked stuff out? suffice to say, I was triggered three times in one day, not a good day.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Helpful Tips On How to Stay Focused On Achieving Your Goals", a mix of motivational speakers that provided us with some helpful tips on how to stay focused on achieving your goals.

This morning, he had to stay at work. The weather was shit, so I couldn't go for my walk. I am feeling all sorts of ways, I don't even know what I am feeling, to be honest. I'm emotionally exhausted, granted I know we are talking about past-tense issues that have now all of a sudden surfaced, the fact that they are only coming up now is setting off all sorts of alarm bells for me, like what else is there? What makes matters worse is his very faulty memory, how am I suppose to make peace with anything, when he can't remember anything... one step forward, two steps back. Worst of all, this when I needed that walk, more than anything else and due to the inclement weather and other circumstances, I am stuck.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
One of my 30-day challenges required that today, I find something on my body I am grateful for, the question was "What about your body are grateful for today?" damn it was truly a challenge, took me hours because honestly there isn't much on my body I'm grateful for, but I finally settled on my nails, because they grow long and fast, people usually think they are fake.

#Motivation
Watch This If You Feel Stuck

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=390717661495702

#Relationships
How To Know Your Relationship is WRONG

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=2028293730624482

#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
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They were downloaded pre-recovery, but the faulty memory is not giving me any answers, closures aka peace of mind.

 

I remember everything too, even things I've tried to forget, sigh.

 

DAY 357:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
  1/19/19
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "The Budgeting Habit" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

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Last night we talked about the emotionally exhausting last two days we had, it was a raw, vulnerable and tearful night... it's been a rough time for him and me, both. Recovery is hard stuff, what's worse is the triggers and issues we've been dealing with aren't about anything he has done post-recovery - so we aren't dealing with something new that's developing, he hasn't relapsed, he hasn't checked someone out in front of me, he hasn't lied to me and got caught... it's just another pre-recovery discovery that just bubbled up to the surface when the topic randomly came up. That's the frustrating part for me, each time something like this happens, it triggers my uncertainty and worst of all, my paranoia of "what else is there?"... of course, I don't like seeing him upset, in tears or in shame, I don't enjoy it or gain anything from it but new discoveries, even if they are from the past, them just popping up now make them brand spanking new for me. We've had such a good few months, other than that CVS trigger, this emotional turmoil is frustrating. Not to mention that his memory has been an ongoing issue, this is not the first time, I'm worried there could always be more, that either he legitimately forgot/blocked it out or maybe he is afraid to disclose it... one can never be too sure. Talking did help, as painful and uncomfortable as it was, but it had to be done, we can't go back to the silence we use to seek comfort in, instead.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Joel Osteen, Tim Grover: Why You Must Choose Your Attitude", where you hear from several speakers as they talk about how important it is to choose your attitude each day. "Excellence is not a skill, it's an attitude." So the more you say to yourself and believe: I am the creator of my own reality, I am the conjurer of my own mood, I am the keeper of my own attitude. "I will do today what others don't, so I will have tomorrow what others don't".

This morning, my dad had his second cataract surgery, Wade took him. We're still reeling off of our own issues, but I suggested since the kids were off and the weather is frigid cold here, we take the kids to the mall, so they can run around at the indoor mall. He was tired, so he went to take a brief nap first, while he did that, I situated the girls and decided to listen to one BAE podcast "Ep: 58 How to START Hard Conversations" and it was a really good one (what else is new?) and ironically, covered what we just went through (the irony is in the air) ... first, they go into all of the ways that they (Ashlynn & Coby) use to avoid having hard conversations, which were exactly how Wade and I did for our entire marriage. Then Brandon would chime in with his tidbits and solid advice. The main point was, there is a major difference when you are in recovery and are finally connected, have intimacy, vulnerability etc., it makes having those hard conversations come easier, as you no longer want to have secrets, pain or resentment in the relationship - because you don't want to lose all of the connection that you've achieved. You also have to be sure to be vulnerable about everything, not just recovery related items (like when you have a relapse or slip). Addicts tend to think they only should be vulnerable with their spouse about recovery. The problem there is if you are only honest or vulnerable when you relapse you may turn your vulnerability into a trigger for her, because each time you begin a/that vulnerable conversation she may take those cues as an "oh no, he is about to tell me he relapsed". To be truly vulnerable, you have to be open about everything in your life, yourself, your shame, your job, the kids, problems you may have with your spouse even and of course, recovery. It was a great listen.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
A few 'threats' at the mall, I was able to contain myself, without my music.

#Motivation
Choose Your Attitude Every Morning!


Francesca Battistelli - If We're Honest


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
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DAY 358:

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me.
  Setback Dates (Lies/Inconsistent behavior) 5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
  1/19/19
• Daily talk with my husband.
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
  Followed my routine / Got creative / Regulated my sleep / Talk about it / Feel the feels
  Verbalized my feelings, triggers or frustrations to my husband, instead of bottling up.
• Current Book: "The Budgeting Habit" | Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes Daily"

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Last night, everything was going well, until it wasn't. We finally finished watching Supergirl, what a feat ugh (yeah, it was becoming a bit difficult to get through). Then we decided to start watching Orange is the New Black, season 6 - this would be the first time since he began recovery, but we both love the show and we've watched worse together (in regards to certain type of scenes). However, within the first, like 4 minutes into it, we had an incident where we needed to stop and the night was ruined completely from that point on. The show begins, it shows one of the characters who is off her meds, pretending to watch an imaginary TV, but it cuts into scenes with the other characters "playing roles" of what has actually been going on with them so far, to catch the audience up "between seasons". One of the scenes, there was a "modern dance" interpretation of two guards assaulting an inmate, this actress is definitely one of his types (aka if on the street, he would certainly know this was an obvious trigger for me). Anyway, the scene keeps going, on my end, I can't wait for it to hurry up and finish, move on to the next scene asap, then he goes "I think that was __" names the character, I said "I don't think so" (the character was dancing, so it's not easy to tell either way) and he goes "let's see" and shows all the signs that he is about to rewind to check, I said no, 3 times and even added an "it's fine, I don't really care" and he completely ignored what I was saying and still persisted, grabbed the remote and wanted to rewind back to that scene, to replay it - "for me". I got super pissed, agitated and triggered at that point and just said "I know exactly, why you want to replay that scene", within two seconds, he turns off the TV completely, he gets defensive and then gaslighting begins... "no, it has nothing to do with that" "she didn't do anything for me" "I just wanted to prove to you that it was her" and I repeated to him again: "but I told you, I don't care, I told you NO" and he said "yeah, but I wanted you to see that it was her". He wanted to prove me wrong, at all costs, well he sure did. I spent the rest of the night completely disconnected from him, I didn't hug him at night nor did I have an urge to do so. I was hurt, triggered and felt like he completely didn't/doesn't understand how much it takes out of me, to do the simplest tasks/activities these days. What for normal couples are usually fun, easy and simple tasks, like 'going on a date' 'running an errand at CVS' 'going out to the park' 'mall' 'doctors office' or 'watching a movie', for me is draining and takes a huge emotional toll [daily] because every fucking day, I have to mentally prepare myself from the minute I walk out of the house till I get home, as best as I can to keep my emotional triggers to EVERYTHING under some sort of control. If I didn't, I wouldn't be able to step outside the house, ever, and sadly some triggers - I still can not control the outcomes of, they are just too overwhelming.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to "Stephanie Lyn: Dealing With Difficult People", a Life and Relationship Coach talks about dealing with difficult people. Her tips? 1) keep a journal (the best part about it, sometimes isn't even the writing, it is rereading it later when you are in a different state of mind so you can reflect back. 2) Make an 18-month plan, especially if you don't know what your strengths and weaknesses are, write down your expectations, your hopes and what actions you are going to take. Then check back in 18 months later and see the difference between your plan and reality. 3) Always play to your strengths, it is much easier to work on your strengths than to try and improve on your weaknesses. Get rid of any romantic notions you've had about your life, like being an NBA star when you can't play basketball and you are 5'3. 4) Ask your friends to help you find your strengths and weaknesses are. Sometimes, you need honest feedback in order to grow and make changes. 5) Meditation, even a simple 10 minutes every morning will help you start the day in focus and more aware of your thoughts.

This morning, we listened to BAE's podcast "Ep: 58 How to START Hard Conversations" together, I already gave my summary of it yesterday since I listened to it on my own then, I will not repeat it again but if you would like to read that click here. After pausing and discussing a lot of points of that podcasts, he asked me about last night again, told me he hated feeling like he was 'in the doghouse' unlike in the past where avoiding that conversation would have been a plus for him. I decided to just explain it to him (kind of again) now that I was calmer, what exactly bothered me and what was wrong with the situation as a whole. Firstly, I reminded him of a conversation we had some time ago, about sex scenes or nudity, where I told him watching them with him made me uncomfortable, because I never know where his head is at (if he is getting triggered or what) and at that point we agreed that he would let me know when we are watching, to give me some peace of mind, which he did not last time. He says he does not recall this conversation fully, sigh. Anyhow, in regards to this specific issue (last night)... I put it to him this way - if there would be a threat/trigger walking towards us right now (we were in a mall), I would want her to zoom past us as fast as humanly possible, so she would no longer be in my (or his) line of sight. But instead of breathing easy now that she has passed, he would then turn to me and go, "hey, she looked a little familiar to me, let's go ahead and have her pass us one more time, you know to make sure we don't know her"... would either of us want that trigger, in front of us, one more time? both knowing she's a trigger and my panic attack will get amped up... of course not, we'd both want her to be gone and forgotten asap. Welp, just because it's on a screen, what I see as his "prime" or "type" doesn't just magically vanish, it's a real woman playing a role, but she is as real as the chick who'd be passing us by at the mall. So, on the screen or off, I want her out of my view asap, I sure as hell don't want to do a double take, thanks - even if you do. That's the problem, if he could just spend 1 hour in my head, on a simple outing to a mall, he would want to blow his brains out, just sayin' - and until he can step outside of himself, think outside of the box, try to consider how ___this___ whatever the situation is at the moment, may be processing in my head, through my pain and understand the trauma and mental gymnastics something as simple as watching tv sometimes takes, maybe then he wouldn't automatically gaslight me or defend himself, because it is not easy for me but I am trying the best that I can. I spent our entire marriage watching him, adore every other woman but me... that shit is seared into my brain.

We had a really vulnerable talk, it was rough but honest. We both felt better afterward, he said he understands what I am saying I hope so. He said he will try to do better, but I don't know, he hasn't been that great at looking further than what's directly/obviously put in front of him and that is what makes everything so difficult for me. I need him to not argue with me or gaslight me, when I tell him NO, 3 times... I need him to see beyond his pride of "I want to be right" "I want to win" and think "hmm... she seems pretty adamant about me not rewinding, what could it be... what about this particular scene is it, that she may not want to see again?" "Is she getting triggered?" "Is there a reason why she said no 3 times without laughing or being playful?" -- reading signs is big with me, if I am triggered, it's too late for rational on my part, I won't be in a position to verbalize anymore, so it's up to him to help defuse, not further disconnect me. I really hope me breaking it down helped I do, I didn't want to because I don't want to never watch TV again or make him feel like I'm trying to imply that... because I still want to watch, I love those shows, I just need him to be there for me, at 150% and not only when things are "peachy", see things before they blow up too, which is a tall task, but not out of line in my opinion.

When we got home we finished the episode, everything seemed okay, we even had quite a bit of connection and intimacy (x2) afterward, the difference between last night and today could be felt significantly.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
We had a disconnecting moment last night, but through talking it out, being vulnerable we were able to reconnect again.

#Healing
Stephanie Lyn Coaching - How to Handle Emotional Triggers!


#Music
Backstreet Boys - No Place (Official Video)


#Must Watch Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
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