Restarting reboot.

I think you may be confused as to what we are doing here. Nobody is trying to make their husbands “love them” by “nursing them”. It seems as though you think we are trying to somehow seduce or gain love from our partners by trying to be their caregivers. With that being said, I just want to clarify that I am not doing anything at all to control my husband or try to persuade him to do anything in this relationship. The entire purpose of my husband seeking treatment and attending meetings, by his own choice to do so, is because he is SICK. He has a disease. He has thanked me for guiding him into that realization so that he can now work on fixing that, which will in turn (hopefully) fix our marriage issue aka his porn addiction keeping us from having a sex life. None of this has anything to do with being sexy or attractive, this is completely 100% mental health centered. I am not involved in any part of his treatment, unless he wants me to be. I have my own stuff to work on. And none of it has anything to do with winning my husbands affection or attraction. Anyway, hope that clears things up a little bevause it seems that you’re not understanding any of it.

 

I just can’t seem to have a successful reboot. I have a very high sex drive and I’m very attracted to him. But it only causes problems because there’s always like an 80% chance he will not get an erection when I initiate sex so, it’s never worth it. And even if he doesn’t get an erection and we do manage to get through sex, it’s not enjoyable sex because it’s spent rushing to get it done while he’s still hard. It’s miserable, really. So, since we’ve had two failed reboots in a row now, I decided it’s time to buckle down and do it right. I’ve been forcing myself to not be attracted to him. I know he went a very very long time not being attracted to me, even though I am attractive, because of porn use for twice as long as we’ve been married (7 years)- so I just have to get on his level so the lack of desire can be mutual. I just tell myself to focus on the parts of him that aren’t attractive, and I remind myself of how he’s hurt me, and it helps me to not want sex with him. I hope it can get me through a full 90 days.

 

Just checking in. I’ve been doing okay. Better than previous reboot attempts, for sure. I made the decision to really give it my best effort. It’s Day 12/90 and it’s been kind of freeing, almost. Normally, I would be super stressed out and worried, and gage his progress in his recovery based on our sex life or his sexual behavior towards me, or lack thereof. Obviously, this was unhealthy and always made me feel bad in the end. I was always suspicious, self conscious, really hard on myself and convinced that he must be lying to me- which can really do a number on my mental health to be on high alert like that all the time. But, lately, it’s almost liberating to not have to worry about or think about any of that. I just tell myself it’s not happening, it can’t happen, don’t expect anything to happen. So, this has taken a load off of me and allowed me to take it easy on myself, and focus on other parts of our relationship. It’s been nice. I’m still working on a few other things with this whole PA thing. Namely and most importantly, the anger and resentment I still very much have inside me, leaks out pretty regularly (but not nearly as much, and I’m proud of myself for actively catching the thought in my mind and telling myself not to say it out loud) in the form of passive aggressive remarks. These remarks only serve to make him feel bad, and they certainly don’t make me feel better. So, I’m really trying to reign in my feelings, especially because I can be VERY harsh, almost emotionally abusive, when I feel hurt. It’s like a defense mechanism, or an attempt to make that person feel what they made me feel. It’s awful.

Another thing I worry about is the ogling. It seems to be a problem for him. At this point, the ogling is the only thing that can ruin our 5 day trip this weekend and I’m really really hoping he can reign that in for himself so that I don’t have to be on alert because once I catch it happening, it ruins everything for me and I shut down. Maybe I should talk to him and ask him if he can please try to be aware of that for me?

 

Thank you, Ghost. I talked to him about how I was feeling and I asked him to please be aware of that for me, so that we can have the best trip possible and he was very grateful and happy that I talked to him about it. It was a very positive interaction and he said he will be very aware and make sure to keep himself from looking in the wrong direction. I look forward to it.

 

Currently sitting at a NYE party watching hundreds of scantily clad young women walk past us. Anxiety is at a 8/10. I’ll just keep drinking until I don’t remember why I’m anxious.

 

Well, the trip came and went. It went VERY well. For the first time, there was no arguing about anything sex or porn related. There was no ogling, and I wasn’t on guard the whole time. The party wasn’t an issue. We even woke up one morning embracing and ended up having passionate, loving sex- his initiation. It was a great start to the new year and I am hopeful that this means positive change is coming.