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What my sister said

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Queenie%Bee, Oct 13, 2018.

  1. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    I recently told my sister a few weeks ago EVERYTHING. She read my nofap journal. So Ofcourse my phone rang after my trip away from my SO . I told her what had happened. I told her about the boundaries and consequences that were in place . She said “ I don’t want you to take this wrong and I understand why , but it sounds like you are treating him like a child , does he feel that way ? “
    I don’t think he did /does . He understood when signing them what they were .

    But then she said “ God , I’m so sorry , that sound like so much work to be with a porn addict, I just hope it’s worth it , if you think the relationship is worth it , great , but if not I’d walk “
    THIS has me sobbing . She validated just how much work it takes to be an SO of a PA . If other parts of this relationship weren’t SO great , ya I’d walk . But for now I FEEL this is worth ALL the work
     
    Strength And Light, Jennica and Kenzi like this.
  2. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    In her defense , I totally blindsided her with my journal recently, she NEVER would have ever thought there was a chance my husband would do anything to hurt me especially over and over in 22 years . She could only see what she saw , a gentle , loving , affectionate husband who would hold my hand at parties and pull me into his lap in front of “bros” , her SO is cold , distant , basically a “dick” . What she meant by “ Id Walk “ i think is her talking about her marriage, him being all those things AND a PA , ya I’d walk too ;)

    Honestly I think B&C would not / could not have worked ANY day before he actually AWOKE . It’s weird it all happened at once . I became stronger , ready to just say “EFF THIS “ I’m better than being numb , but knowing myself I knew I couldn’t just STAY in a marriage emotionally unattached so the door was the next step . Him seeing I’m serious . I don’t think it’s that I’m doing more work than him on his recovery now , but like I dunno I’ve always been the leader here . We sit in a spot now where he’s not as shy /quiet /shameful talking about P .
    IT IS ALOT OF WORK TO BE AN SO . So what I was saying, someone completely on the outside of a PA situation saying it sounds like a lot of work couldn’t begin to understand the work and still thinks that FOR me ? Ya I 100% agree and any SO that thinks they are weak for staying couldn’t be more wrong . It takes a STRONG woman to actually stay . It takes a BRAVE woman to stay and support and try to help fix things . I guess I have no choice but to be both Strong and brave If I want to stay in this marriage . I’ll stay until . Until I think I’m too damaged to be good for myself, my kids , and my future boyfriend;)
    Jk on the last one .
     
    mcgrim, NF4L and Br1 R1 like this.
  3. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    It’s funny /ironic that I thought ROCK BOTTOM was 20 months ago when I found the laptop , and he was given my requirements of things that had to be done for me to stay . This was not an ultimatum. He did everything I required . But then I had to add requirements when I started REALLY doing research. When I recently said during FANOS that I wish I started B&C right after DDAY , he was honest and said they probably wouldn’t have worked he probably would have still fought me on them . Do I wish he would be all gung ho and say “ hey I want to join nofap “ yes but that’s not going to happen anytime soon . And maybe I’m ok with that a little . I’ve found this place for ME NOW ;)
     
    Vixen likes this.
  4. JustSadPorn

    JustSadPorn Fapstronaut

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    I'm glad you got to hear this from your sister. My therapist said something similar to me this week. It felt good, really validating.
     
    Trappist likes this.
  5. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    ;)
    It was really just the way she worded it in her soft caring voice . And you know what ? It is ! I hate that I have to answer any questions about my thoughts on PA . I hate that I have to see a therapist. I hate that my relationship has to have “check ins” !! More than anything I just want to be able to go out in the world with my HUSBAND and not be triggered . Such is life right ?
     
  6. I’m glad you told her in that over time she can learn how to support your efforts and more simply you.

    Your reaction to her suggests this?
     
  7. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Absolutely. I told her right away to not bring it up , if I needed her I’d let her know . Because if I’m having a “good” day with not a lot of BT , I don’t want her bringing it up just to make conversation ya know ? She’s the closest one of my sibs to him ( besides my brother that is , not a deep feelings kind of relationship, but they text each other about new craft beers lol )
     
  8. Handzfree

    Handzfree Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    It takes a very mature spouse to remain in a relationship when trust has been compromised. But, honestly your husband is as described above, gentle, loving, affectionate. He also has a porn addiction which is preventing from being his true self. You obviously love him and are willing to endure this storm him. Remember this - you grow as an individual in times of trial. And couples move through difficulties only to find they are much closer after the storms have passed.

    I find her response a little void of understanding and support. Her husband has issues it appears. Being mean and cold to your spouse is not really a redeeming quality - porn or no porn. Plus, it's not out or reason that her husband may be an addict as well. Statistics show a lot of men are. I read that 7 our of 10 men admit to visiting a porn site once a month - 5 seriously addicted. 5 out of 10 women - 3 addicted.

    Bottom line, do what is right for you and if that is standing by your husband. do so. Before you leave and call it quits you'll know that you have done everything in your power to make things work. It's a hell of a lot of work and it does take a very brave woman. Kudos.

    HF
     
  9. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Umm ya I’d say 22+ years , 11 of them knowing he’s a PA had me putting in a lot of work . As for her husband, when I showed her my journal she said “ ya I wouldn’t be surprised if he has a porn issue “ OFCOURSE this has been something I’ve suspected for a long time ! At this point 18 months after DDAY #2 , and for only the last couple months I’m only now feeling like he is standing by ME . When and if that stops I’m out . For now I’ll be brave , never to feel a fool again ;)
     
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  10. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

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    Oh my god, seriously. Same! I wish I could just have a normal husband wife relationship instead of all that bullshit.
     
  11. Banjaxed

    Banjaxed Fapstronaut

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    My wife told MY sister in the summer when we were on holiday together (kind of had to in order to explain why we were having a Skype counselling session in the middle f the holiday) and she said much the same thing - in fact she said that she would leave.

    In her case I put this down to the fact that if her husband turned out to be a PA it would tap straight into her deepest insecurities (she is very overweight and has body image issues). I’d quite like to talk to her and explain how my own eating issues and my PA come from the same place, but we are not that close and honestly I don’t feel the need for her to understand.
     
  12. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Many women that DONT have body issues at all leave their porn addicted husband. A lot of the times the porn addiction CAUSES body issues in the SO . I wouldn’t tell my spouses family , that would be his job if he felt it necessary ( which he would never )
    Her heart was speaking for herself when she said those things . So I think it’s just that , if we aren’t IN the situation, it’s very easy to say “ I would leave , or I would never put up with that “ that kinda goes with anything right ?
     
    Numb likes this.
  13. Banjaxed

    Banjaxed Fapstronaut

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    Right, it’s why I said “in her case”

    It’s something I’ve been pondering though. I think most people would criticise someone for leaving their spouse if they gained weight. But what if that weight gain was as a result of compulsive eating, which itself was a soothing mechanism? That’s what I used to do, and what my sister still does. Would her husband be justified in leaving her because she’s a sugar addict?
     
  14. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    I think I just read somewhere that having a food addiction and PA addiction are common . Define weight gain lol but really , does it change her personality, is she cold , unavailable etc . I think it applies same way as PA , really any addiction, if the addict is actively feeding the fight wolf I think it’s unfair to “just leave “ after the first discovery . There’s just really something about the porn addiction that affects my femininity to the CORE . I can easily say , I would have easily stayed if he ballooned in weight, THAT does not affect MY sexuality, my security , that wouldn’t also drag me to a fucking therapist .
     
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