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Leaving the Hive

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Queenie%Bee, Sep 24, 2018.

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  1. JustSadPorn

    JustSadPorn Fapstronaut

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    I totally understand your fear. It's not that one psub link he clicked - it's what else he might do if he can do that the first time he's home alone? It terrifies me when my husband's words don't match his actions, even in small ways.
     
  2. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Right . Anxiety is built on fear , even if it’s irrational. My fear of going away without him is EXACTLY what I expected. He did not expect it
     
    Happyhobbit likes this.
  3. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    It might not have been P this time but this is how it starts out and then can escalate to P. I totally get why you feel the way you do. Did he actually try to implement any tools to stop himself or had he already been thinking like that on and off for days, about how the opportunity was there while you were away?
     
    EyesWideOpen and Trappist like this.
  4. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    This is one of my questions for tonight
     
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  5. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    From what he said it was unexpected. but ill need more than that
     
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  6. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    I think it’s crazy how quickly circumstances big or small can just bring you right back to where you were . Overprotective of your heart . Gah . It’s not even like I can control it . I have literally hid and quickly sobbed everyday in disgust of myself. How quickly I let myself jump . I’m annoyed
     
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  7. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Consequences ended at 7pm . We then each had 10 Qs to answer regarding what I’m calling a “ boundary slip “
    Mine was “ aftermath” . We both answered honest thank god . I told him how I felt all week . Moving on . Moving fwd . There is something to be said about boundaries and consequences. There was no silent treatment, no stonewalling no “ the punishment doesn’t fit the crime “ we were both still kind to each other . Outside of that were my feelings . My doubts . TBC
     
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  8. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    We both had the weekend off . Went ok . But I felt a disconnect and it is 100% on me . Like it was fine , Ofcourse Tv triggers me because it’s just mostly bad for an SO . It didn’t ruin the wknd or anything but I kinda feel like there’s a door stopper on my heart like it won’t open all the way . Then I get sad , then I get mad for being sad . I’m a fuckkng mess lol
    It’s not like he even did anything. I know he doesn’t have to for the BT to come up .
     
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  9. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Completely in a funk . When he called during break yesterday I felt blah . When he got home he asked if I was ok , I said I felt blah he said I sounded blah atleast he’s noticed. While in a deep hug he asked where the blah was coming from and I fucking said it “ I want to feel how I felt before I left , I want to be silly I want to feel happy “ he squeezed tighter and said “ ok more of this will help “ he’s right but then I couldn’t sleep , just thinking what if THAT was a honeymoon phase ? A 5 week honeymoon phase , god I REALLY hope not . I’m not staying and doing all these things, to have things go back to how they were before . Yes with no P , but with no true connection. I’m thinking I won’t mention FANOS , or initiate sex , and see how long that goes without him noticing . Ugg but that’s a test , I want to be done with the fucking tests
     
  10. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    I definitely had a honeymoon phase last year with all this and it is gone and I want that back. Not sure how to get there, though.
     
  11. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Honesty, integrity, loyalty! It’s like I literally reset . I’m back to freeze mode blah . God I wish I could control it and shitty part is now the script is back in the back of my mind like what if he’s just fucking me over and he’s a really good actor. Rationally I know this isn’t true but , that is what untrust does ;(
     
  12. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    Yep. :(
     
  13. JustSadPorn

    JustSadPorn Fapstronaut

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    Instead of making this a test for him, what if you made a B & C? Tell him that you're tired of driving the ship. You need him to initiate a FANOS conversation by the end of the week (or whenever). If he doesn't, the consequence will be no calls on his work breaks/sleeping apart/whatever. Then he's not guessing about what you need, and you're not constantly hoping he can read your mind.
     
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  14. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    I know I’ve thought of that , about adding it to my list as a B&C . I just think what my sis said about this seeming like a lot of work for ME is kinda weighing on me I guess . I know all of us get annoyed with the work WE have to do when we’ve don’t nothing wrong ;(
     
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  15. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    Hang in there @Qnb42078 . I'm really glad we all have each other here. I look at all you SO's who's PA's counters were / are in triple figures and my PA's is like 21 days, what a long way to go I've got...... :eek: Sending you hugs xx
     
  16. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    I'm working the "map" part of my workbook; going through each time I suspected/knew something, how it made me feel, yada yada & it is ripping me to shreds. I had a whole treasure trove of repressed memories to rival my current ones apparently, & good Lord, does it hurt uncovering those.

    I see PAs as the tin man from Wizard of Oz; they're all rusty, need some help, & trying to find their heart.

    Hope things start looking up :)
     
  17. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Or brain lolololo
     
  18. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    So , he asked on way to visit his mom while holding my hand if I still felt a disconnect. I said “ yes “ he said “ but I’m not doing anything “ sooo I said “ do I wish that I could snap my finger and feel better about things /us , Ofcourse but that’s not how this works , so remember even something small can set us way back , something I have no control over “
    So throughout the night he would jokingly snap his finger , it was funny . We had a great visit , he was attentive and careful of not saying anything immature, yes he can be VERY IMMATURE. So we get home he makes us a couple shipyards w cinnamon. Acts of service GREAT ! An hour later he gets up and says I think I’m going to have another beer , I said ya me too can you make me one too . He literally came back with only a beer for himself . ITS THESE THINGS THAT REMIND ME HOW FUCKING SELFISH OF A PERSON HE CAN BE !!! So I asked why he didn’t make me one too ? He literally had no answer . So I said when I make everybody dinner tmrw I’ll make sure I “forget” yours . Went to bed , not mad but kinda like wtf you were doing so good . Like I swear he’s kinda fucking OBTUSE sometimes. It’s NOT about the beer we all know that , it wasn’t about the psub we all know that .
     
  19. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    He brought home beer and made me one ;)
    Whatever it is that he’s doing or not doing is NOT getting me any closer to those gushy feelings I have .
    I’ve kept my urges at bay . I know my urges have nothing to do with sex . I know it’s just to make me feel better .
     
  20. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    I have vertigo. Feel like shit . Perfect timing . For some reason topic came up of depression. He’s been falling asleep on couch I suggested depression and he’s pretty sure it’s the candy /soda . But he thought maybe a lil depression but sure it’s the candy because “ I’m content “ well so good for you right ? I said nothing . Content? Are you kidding me? I was starting to become content before I left . But now as I said I have no plans on bringing up FANOS or anything ! Especially not sex . God forbid . He literally asked “ what about you are you feeling depressed “ I said ya I think so , I don’t have a hold on my emotions “
    Sooo he said” ya you get like this if you don’t get endorphins “
    I said nothing. This isn’t about sex , this is the steady stream of bullshit going on in my head since I got back . We went 2 weeks without ( I was away then consequences) then twice last week now a week with nothing . Gah . I’m tired . Gonna go out front and put a sign on “ any takers” mind you we’ve had FOUR weekend nights with NO kids , and tada NOTHING . Shocker . I’m bored . He’s boring ;)
     
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