MY compulsive SA battle

We are going through a rough time. We don’t live together right now and there is some drama keeping me from wanting to be intimate with her in any way.

I miss her a lot but also, hate the stuff that’s between us, so needing some counseling before I’m comfortable with it tbh.

Sounds like the massage was the problem for you? that sort of sexual stuff will definitely effect SA.

Oh also, it definitely sounds like you attend 12 step meetings, correct?

 

Thanks,

Yea I found that the SA starts way before the massage parlor. Meaning I can safely get a massage from a spa near my house. Do they offer happy endings? I have no idea cuz I haven’t researched cuz it’s not an interest to me. But I completely know the urge/pull to do something like that. For me during my acting out, it was gay cruising slots. The second I knew the location I was obsessed, just driving by was exilerating.

So it’s something in the mind that we have to deal with even before we go outside into the world.

12 step is great, though I usually don’t see many people actually engaging in the written work that’s an integral part of the programs. Mainly lots of people socializing and talking about problems, which is really helpful and I do it too, but if followed up by working the 12 steps, it can help with sobriety.

Best of luck, stay strong and message me anytime.

 

This may seem a little mean and unwarranted, but you and your wife sound like you should seperate. If you haven't been attracted to her in 12 years, and she doesn't want to put in the effot to change, you will still both be unhappy for 12 MORE years and your childrens view of a healthy relationship will be warped. I commend you for fighting for your marriage. I don't beleive married couple should divorce at the first sign of trouble, they SHOULD go through trials an tribulations. However, 12 years? It is no wonder you are engaging in destructive behaviours.

I wish you all the best and I sincerely hope I haven't overstepped the mark. I just don't want you to be resentful after spending all of your life with someone you don't want to be with the same anymore.

 

SA? Is that 12-step jargon? Firstly no one is powerless unless they are fully detained by external powers i.e. savage tyrants enslaving one. Even then rebellion is entirely possible but probably not at all simple nor easy.

I no longer play the slave to the devil.



“Your dream is a reality that is waiting for you to materialize. Today is a new day! Don’t let your history interfere with your destiny! Learn from your past so that it can empower your present and propel you to greatness”

“Empowerment is the ability to refine, improve, and enhance your life without co-dependency.”

I am no longer co-dependent on any self-help meeting program. Yet I enjoy being a positive force in the world which I have seen is not limited to self-help programs.

The 12 steps are dogma through and through and encourage lifetime membership and adherence to doctrine that is not at all supported by science nor research as actually being helpful for recovering from compulsions.

REFUSE TO BE A VICTIM.

 

The eternal war of mankind. Understand everyone has it but for some it manifests differently. Truly rigorous honesty and tapping into a source more powerful than oneself might aid one and I am not anti-dogma nor do I hate the Steps. Just putting things in perspective I guess.

 

Yes

 

The title says it all - you believe you are powerless to control your behavior based on past experience. That is a false belief that you are holding. How do you know you are unable to control this? There are many others on here who demonstrate that it can be done. How are you any different than those people? I have lapsed over the years but in no way do I believe I am incapable. It's a decision. Once the addiction starts to loosen its grip you will see it. Stop indulging your lust, that is what makes it seem unstoppable. You are defeating yourself in your mind right out the gate when you don't have to. Your belief system in regards to this issue will either cause you to succeed or fail. You need to start smoking out the false frames.

 

Also, don't betray you wife any further, it will lead to ruin. Don't hinge the significance of your life on sexual gratification and fulfillment. Get a handle on your sexual addiction/sin and then see how things change in your relationship. It should be easy for you to say no to extra-marital activity. Just don't do it again. Ask God for forgiveness and work on your rebooting process and then see what happens when you can put the sexual addiction away. If your wife is still unwilling to be intimate then look for other ways to sublimate your desire. Like I said, it's not the end of the world if you're not having sex, there is a whole other life waiting for you.

 

Hello and thank you for your honesty. I feel your pain in so many ways. My situation is slightly different. I'm still very attracted to my wife and we have two toddlers. We still make love and enjoy each other's company. However, I struggle with online cam chatting with random women as well as porn. I recently had a massage appointment because of my body building and marathon running activities. I went to a place I thought had a good reputation in regards to legal, quality massage therapy. I quickly realized it was a bit different. The lady didn't speak much English and removed the small towel from my backside. She proceeded to rub my buttocks for a good 30 minutes, even touching my other privates in the process. Despite my original intentions, I didn't interrupt her and let her continue. When she told me to turn over, she removed the towel and exposed my erection for at least 20 seconds. I tried to go with the flow but I began experiencing some anxiety and hot flashes. I kept apologizing while pointing to my erection and she kept saying she couldn't do anything because her boss was in the other room. She obviously didn't understand what I was saying. I wasn't asking for anything, I was simply apologizing for my erection. She rubbed very close to it and got me on the edge of having an O without even stimulating the part itself. She went down to work on my feet and I placed my hands and arms over that area on the towel and proceeded to have an O. She pulled the towel off in disgust (which was surprising considering how much time she spent on my nude buttocks and butthole area) and kept saying no no no. I was full of shame, guilt, fear, and panic as nothing like this have ever happened. I've never paid for a sketchy massage nor have I ever been to a strip club. I'm not judging those who have, it just happens to not be my thing. Anyway, she left the room and I layed on the table in complete panic. She came back with a hot towel and had me clean up. I gave her the towel back and she proceeded to cover me again and go back to work on my feet and legs.

I know my situation may seem different, the pain and hatred towards myself is the same. This addiction always creeps back in one form or another and now I fear being arrested or something.

NoFap has been a place I run to that always meets my needs. The times I've dedicated myself to this community have been some of the most freeing I've ever felt. Unfortunately, I'm a chronic relapser and always fade away to relapse.

I'm starting over after being absent for a few months. You are definitely in the right place. However, I always fail soon after I stop being active on the boards and doing the things I need to do to maintain sobriety. Keep us updated and stay connected.

 

Back to battle for the both of us. I've been sober from alchoaland drugs for almost 13 years. I'm so grateful for another program and my relationship with a higher power for getting and keeping me sober. Taking away those substances hasn't cured me of all my demons, but definitely helps in other ways in life.