Soaking It In

Having a degree in psychology makes me feel all the more stupid when dealing with my emotions and my porn-addicted husband.

When I first found out several years ago. I read books, blogs, and lost of studies about the effect of porn on the brain. How it worked. How men's brains and women's were different. The cycle of feelings addicts feel.

Forgiveness was freely offered and I totally took the blame off of him.

In all of that. In all of figuring out how to help my husband, I never once thought about how to fix me. I didn't think about my trauma. I didn't really consider it trauma. Trauma was the rape I experienced as a teen, the abuse I waded through as a child, and effects my sister's murder had upon me. Never once did I think I had trauma because of my husband's porn issues.

Our arguments would be intense. Intense enough that I attempted suicide a few times because even though he tries, it never seems like he can get past it.

I thought I was doing all the right things. I read Boundaries by Townsend. I made sure to cope with my hurt and anger my ways even though he thought they were weird. I was taught coping techniques as a child. I listen to music, paint, sketch, dance, exercise, journal, etc. If I couldn't do that I would rip up a piece of paper. He hates the paper ripping. I would rather rip into a piece of paper than rip into him and have said something I would regret later.

I have been watching a lot of the videos and reading a lot of the articles in the research section and wow! I have never seen my trauma well accurately articulated. I guess I am in shock that this is trauma. I do feel that way. I feel robbed. I feel alone.

I am glad I found this place. Oddly, I found this place because I wanted him to get help. I think it might end up helping me more in the long run. I pray it also helps him, but I am going to repair me.

I am going to continue reading and absorbing all I can to know how to respond to him. At this time I feel like I don't know how to react. I am so tired of the ping-pong effect. I am tired of the arguing.

I did make a new rule that he was ok with. Other than not having his phone with him outside of the house unless I am with him. He is not allowed his phone when I am not in the room. He agreed. He is trying.

 

Well, I haven't checked in for a while. My husband and I have had a couple talks about transparency and I have to give him credit. He is being honest for the most part.

He made it like maybe 12 days without looking. When asked he did tell me he looked.

We had a couple discussions about the journey and that I need to be part of it because it involves me. He is drafting an accountability ad and has answered a few but no luck yet. I told him I need to be able to see that he is actively working on this addiction. For me that means, seeing him post on nofap and letting me have open access to his phone.

I have also been suggesting more things to do rather than watching TV for our quality time together. He has been working a lot (he has two jobs) so our quality time is precious.

As for me, I am healing. I am dealing with the hurt. He is not ready at all to really understand my pain and said so himself. I hope he gets there soon because I still feel alone and in a way feel like I am "in charge" of our progress when I would rather he lead. Maybe things will be better once he gets an accountability partner. I am watching the affair recovery videos and understanding my pain and anger a bit more. I really don't get angry though and maybe I need to. Even my husband said he wished I would yell, scream, and get mad at him when he messes up.