Long Story About My NoFap Journey. Hopefully it helps someone.

Part 1 – Good Universe

I look at the clock. It’s 7:45 in the pm. 7:45 in the pm on Saturday night, July 28th, 2018. I sit in front of my computer thinking a thought that I had thought before. A thought that I had thought many times before. I have no idea when I first thought this thought, but I had thought it many times before.

I sat thinking about how many times in my life I had thought about parallel universes. Parallel universes where my life was different. Where I was different. In those parallel universes, I had had the nerve, the confidence, to make a move on the girls I liked when they had shown interest in me, when they were open to me making a move. Unlike this universe, where I had always shied away or muddled it up somehow. In those good universes, I had had the confidence to make my move. The moves that I knew all along I should be making. The moves the girls wanted me to make. The moves I was born to make.

I sat there thinking about how many times before I had pondered how good those universes must be. About all the lost opportunities of the girls whom had shown interest in me to only end up friend zoning me because I hadn’t had the nerve to deal with the anxiety of making the first move. Or, better yet, even finding a way to screw it up when the universe tried to hand me a bone by having the girl all but make the first move. In those universes, I had been with/was still with the girls that I liked and deserved to be with. It was an equally comforting and distressing thought.

I looked up from my lap that I had been staring down into and broke my train of thought. At 7:46 pm, on Saturday night, July 28th, 2018, I smiled. I smiled and realized that, for one of the few times in my life, I was in one of the good universes…


Part 2 – Dead Eyes

Rewind to 3 months earlier…

“When I look at you sometimes, it just looks like you have dead eyes,” a friend, a girl, says to me while we are having brunch on a Saturday afternoon. She smiles, somewhat nervously.

I force a smile and try to act like I’m laughing it off. I sarcastically try to make some witty, sarcastic comment, acting like what she said didn’t really register with me, like it hadn’t bothered me. Like I didn’t know what she was talking about. But I knew. I felt lifeless inside. I had no energy. And I was not in a place in my life where I wanted to be. Where I deserved to be. And I knew something had to change…



Part 3 – The Beginning

Rewind to June 2017…

I had stumbled upon NoFap. I won’t go into the details because it’s rather irrelevant. But I wanted to make a change in my life. I wanted to have the zest and energy back that I remembered having. I wanted the aches in pains in my young body to go away for a few more decades, if not forever. And NoFap seemed like a promising place to start. So I committed.

I was so committed that it was rather easy at first. I made it to one month without even blinking an eye. And I did notice more energy in my body and an overall feeling of more well-being. I was sold.

Before I knew it, another month had gone by and I was at 60 days. And I was so committed to feeling better that I had hardly had any urges. And the ones that did occur were quickly dispelled.

It was around 60 days, when I met a cute little Argentinean gal on a hike trip I had joined through a Facebook group. She immediately showed interest in my and I couldn’t help but think about all the NoFap success stories I had been reading. I mean, it was actually happening to me! And while, I wasn’t really all that into this girl, she was rather cute and she was all about me. So we went on a few dates.

But then, a couple of weeks later, on about day 75, I met a cute Irish girl at work. After crossing paths a few times, she started to really show interest in me. And I really dug her. She all but asked me out and I, overthinking the situation, decided to play it cool and keep her waiting. I ended up doing what I usually did with the girls I really liked, and couldn’t build up the nerve to ask her out. So it fizzled…

Since that fizzled, I went on a few more dates with the Argentinean and ended up having sex with her. It wasn’t that great and I didn’t even ejaculate. After that, there was never contact between us again. It was pretty mutual lol

On around day 100, I started to feel like I had a lot of pressure in my head which eventually started to form into headaches. This was strange for me because I’ve never been one that’s prone to headaches. But I chalked it up to some rewiring and pushed through. That is until about day 115, when I was sick and tired off it. That and I was bored. I was frustrated. I thought by day 115 I was supposed to have all these superpowers and be with my dream girl. So I rationalized and I relapsed.


Part 4 – Relapsathon

I felt very calm after relapsing and the pressure immediately subsided. But this was all to be expected. What I was worried about was how I was going to feel the next day. I could still remember how I had felt days following PMO. The low energy. The incessant thoughts. The anxiety.

But none of that happened. I figured since it had been so long, I had built up some kind of reserve if you will. So I rationalized again, and lied to myself saying that PMOing once every once in awhile was ok. At first, every once in awhile was 3 weeks. Then 2 weeks. Then 1 week. Then a matter of days.

I fell back int the same shitty slump. I had low energy and the anxiety came back. I knew the main cause, but I was lying to myself. Lying to myself and in a spiral. This went on for about 3 months.






Part 5 – Reboot

At the beginning of January 2018, I decided to get back on the wagon. I was “fully” committed again. I wanted to feel better and have a clearer mind. And some of those super powers all these other guys were talking about wouldn’t be bad either.

It seems like I still had some goodwill built up with the universe after my initial big streak. That combined with the fact that I had never gone into a true PMO death spiral (at most I was PMOing every 3 days), made the good feelings come back quicker than I had expected.

Before I knew it, I was at day 60 and feeling good. I still never felt like women everywhere I went where attracted to me. But coincidentally, or not perhaps, more women were finding their ways into my life. Mainly through Tinder, as if the universe somehow knew.

It was about this time that I really started to develop an idgaf attitude. Not in a dick way, but in a, whatever happens, happens way. Which was unusual for me as I had always been a worrier.

So, around day 60, I matched this cute French girl on Tinder. Not a model by any means, but very cute. And she was all about going on a date. So we met up. We were on the date, met up with some of her friends. I didn’t know if the date was going that well or not. It hadn’t felt like it was to me, but I really didn’t care.

That’s when she came in and sat real close next to me on the patio at the bar we were sitting at and said, “How would you like to come home and have sex with me?”

At first, internally I was pulled back. I had never come across this before. And it seemed to be out of the blue. But, of course, I had to play it cool so I said it sounded fun. We ended up being super flirty and locking lips for much of the rest of the night. She even aggressively initiated the first kiss. It didn’t end up working out the way I had hoped that night, or over the course of the next week. I won’t go into details here, but if anyone would like me to further elaborate, I will…

After that didn’t work out, I ended up meeting a somewhat cute Indian gal, that I wasn’t really into, either. We bumped nasties a few times and I screwed that up by being way too much about the sex and way too transparent about it.

Then I fell into PMOing again. For a month, I went down a freefall again. It was strange because I always figured once I’d seen the light, I wouldn’t want to go back. But we’re all human guys. And we all have peaks and valleys.

It was during this that my friend made the statement about my dead eyes. This, along with how I had been feeling, sparked something in me. Something that feels as if it had fundamentally changed who I am. And I knew what I had to do.





Part 6 – To Infinity…and Beyond

I decided that I wanted to turn my life around. And I was going to do whatever I needed to do. And I knew that while NoFap wasn’t the complete answer (it had never fully got rid of my aches and pains in my body), it was a large part of it.

So I started. I started NoFap again. It was easy to commit by just lamenting over and over about how shitty PMOing made me feel for days on end.

I cleaned up my diet. First gluten free, then Paleo and then carnivore. On a daily basis, I eat virtually no carbs anymore and I feel great. The aches and pains I felt for years have subsided almost completely.

I committed to meditating every morning upon waking and before going to bed.

I committed to Qi Gong. Not every day, but most.

I committed to positive thinking. Saying affirmations after my morning mediation. And sometimes throughout the day as I am going to and fro.

I committed to listening self improvement Audio books on my way to and from work.

I fast…a lot. This one is huge. It, along with diet I believe are the biggest things along with NoFap. I restrict my eating to 8 horus a day, sometimes. But I never go beyond 10 hours. And once a month I do an elongated fast for at least 40 hours. I am planning on doing a 5 day fast in November and really looking forward to it. If you don’t know about fasting guys, LOOK INTO IT! IT’S HUGE!!!!

And about a month ago I started ending my showers with cold water. I had read about it before on NoFap and dabbled by never committed. I have committed now and it’s been a true game changer. If you don’t do cold showers, you must start! It will change you! It will change how you handle difficuly situations in your life! They get easier and easier. And they even become somewhat enjoyable.



So, there I was. I had made it back to day 70. Again. And I was feeling great. Even better than the previous year. The fact that this was my third big streak along with all the other changes I had made, had me feeling like a new man. I felt the best I’d felt in a decade.

That’s when it happened. I got a tinder match from a cute little kiwi girl. A superlike. My first ever lol. She of course said it was a mistake, as she was new to Tinder. We bantered and I asked her out in some way that was witty. At least that I thought was. It was probably pretty lame.

We met for coffee. And to my surprise, she was the first Tinder date that I had been on where the girl was actually cuter in person than in the photos. And it really caught me off guard. And she was super cool, too. We had a short convo, had a few laughs and then I had to head back to work. I hugged and told her she owed me a coffee, not really sure if we’d hang out again. Although I knew I would try my damnedest.

A couple of days went by, and to my surprise, she messaged me for a second date. So, without hesitation, I said absolutely. We went and got drinks this time. We started flirting and I found myself really liking this girl. She was outgoing but still kind of reserved and shy. The whole girl next door feel. I felt like she wanted me to kiss her. And the old feeling of dread popped back up. The feeling and memories off all the girls I’d liked, and were pretty sure liked me back, and how I’d choked to make a move when it mattered.

But this was a new me. I wasn’t going out like that anymore. I was going to deal with the discomfort of making the first move (something I greatly credit to the cold showers). After walking her back to her car, thinking about how I could avoid the discomfort and run like I had so many times before with the girls I truly liked, I said screw it and went in. And it was…AWESOME!!! She was totally into it.

To wrap this ridiculously long post up for anyone whose still reading. We were on our fourth date, at my place. It was early in the evening and we had just finished watching a movie and drinking some wine. At his point, we had made out a few times so initiating kissing was no big deal. But I wanted more. And I wasn’t about to cower in the situation. Not anymore. In short, for the first time in my life, I ended up having sex with a girl I truly care about. I’m in a good universe.


I know this was long guys. But I want you to know, that if you’re feeling lost, or in despair. Keep faith. It can and will get better. You just need to commit to bettering yourself. And doing it FOR YOU. Like I mentioned about:

· Meditate

· Affirm how you want to feel

· Exercise

· Figure out a diet that works for you

· Cold showers

· Read!!!

· And of course, NoFap


Combine these into a morning routine and commit. After 30 days, you won’t want to look back. And it’s just going to keep getting better. It’s not all sunshine and rainbows. But you get through the bad stuff easier and the good stuff comes more and more and feels soooo much better. It IS so much better. If you have the discipline and commit to trusting and loving yourself, life can and will be your oyster.


I appreciate everyone whose stuck with this to the end and I hope it helps you.


I have leaned on these NoFap success stories like a crutch many times thought out the past year. They had helped me through some dark days and inspired me on my better ones. I think it would really be awesome to have some of the best NoFap stories in one place (and mine ) so I have decided to put together a kindle book (and maybe audio). If you would like your story to be part of this, please email me at kewaynes33@gmail
And of course guys, and other questions or comments, don’t hesitate. I’m an open book. For better and for worse :/…

 

I don't have all the answers, so I won't pretend to. However, I believe doing all the stuff you mentioned will make you feel immensely better. Just take it day by day and stay committed. It's the little victories, the little bricks you lay every day that start to add up before you even realize it. And don't beat up on yourself if you fall of the wagon. Just get back on. You'll be sturdier next time.

 

You've got this bro.

 

Currently in Wellington. It's been good to me.