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Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Hopeishe, Jul 17, 2018.

  1. bulmalovesdota

    bulmalovesdota Fapstronaut

    poor you! say no if you dont want please!
     
  2. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    Not every SO feels this way and not every PA acts this way. But this has already been addressed and laid to rest. No one was pissed off. Let's not continue to beat the dead horse.
     
  3. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    Your point?
     
  4. True-Self

    True-Self Fapstronaut

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    When I read your posts they make me think of gold that has some manure thrown on it. You have something valuable but you make it very unpleasant to reach. I think you would help more people if you left your gold uncovered.
     
    Last edited: Jul 24, 2018
  5. EXPONENTIALLY

    EXPONENTIALLY Fapstronaut

    say what ? I think your husband isn't the only one who has some problem...
     
  6. Hopeishe

    Hopeishe Fapstronaut

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    ...probably due to feeling defective.
     
  7. EXPONENTIALLY

    EXPONENTIALLY Fapstronaut

    And your husband might as well "feeling defective"... It's none of my business, but I suggest you talk, listen, learn, trust the LORD's propitiation blood for your salvation (once saved always saved by FAITH, not of works) maybe that will unite you for the better, growing in a common faith.
     
  8. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    Can someone get me a shovel? It's getting deep in here.
     
    mcgrim likes this.
  9. Hopeishe

    Hopeishe Fapstronaut

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    lol you guys.

    can anyone teach me how to emotionally detach from husband...?

    right now he is a stranger... and i want to keep it that way.

    how to stop loving someone while being a wife and living under one roof?

    ----+

    i sent this to him and both of our parents... why? because he is giving my a hard time, demanding this and that...and im tired.

    i free __hubby name___ of his promise. He can watch porn and all those sexy women, anytime he wants.



    I wont run away and everything will be like before, that means there's sex and cooking and cleaning the house... except, __hubby__ can stop lying and keeping secrets from me...

    The reason is because i am too tired to love him anymore. And i want to be emotionally detach from him. I dont know for how long.

    I am not longer the obstacle. He can put the blame on me. I dont care. And i will say this again in person in front of both parents.


    ----
    Honestly, i dont want to care anymore. i want to move on.

    and he seemed content with this. He didnt try to console me, resolve conflict. Thats true addict righy there right...?
     
  10. Hopeishe

    Hopeishe Fapstronaut

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    im staying married for the kids, at least until im financially independent...


    three year later...or could be 20years latee when the kids all grown up.

    i just want to NOT love and get hurt anymore.
     
    Trappist likes this.
  11. Jason_Tesla_19

    Jason_Tesla_19 Fapstronaut

    This is extremely sad to hear. You might consider talking to a therapist, and possibly getting marriage counseling. You sound very depressed. Here's to hoping for a brighter future. Don't give up. You're stronger than you know.
     
    Hopeishe likes this.
  12. Hopeishe

    Hopeishe Fapstronaut

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    dont worry, Jason, im fine actually.
    NOT depressed. sad, grieved...yes.
    anxiety, panick attack -- yes, i had those. But i'm tired and want to NOT care anymore.

    And thank you for your concern :) wishing all the best to you too.
     
    Jason_Tesla_19 likes this.
  13. Hopeishe

    Hopeishe Fapstronaut

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    thank you
     
    EyesWideOpen likes this.
  14. Hopeishe

    Hopeishe Fapstronaut

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    my husband is happy and super loving since yesterday night.

    he spent quite some time in bed with me.

    Why?
    Is it because he feels accepted as a whole?
    Is it because he can feast his eyes on other women bodies now that i lifted the promise?

    --

    I ,on the hand, feel numb and yet im having this unexplainable headache.

    I pushes down this unknown feeling and also this acknoledgement that he doesnt care if his usage of other women is hurting me.

    I dont want to feel.
    and yet i got this head ache, like the one before...in similar situation (allowing him to use porn).

    ---
    rereading what i just wrote above makes me wanna cry.

    Gosh, this dulling throbbing headache


    ----

    maybe i have to leave the marriage once my start up business is stable...

    for my own health. :(
     
  15. Hopeishe

    Hopeishe Fapstronaut

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    i cant sleep.

    the whole day yesterday i was planning my escape.

    i cannot stop having sex with him, even though i dont want to.

    he has hit me before. He hit me, dragged me into the bedroom, and the few days later punched me on the shoulder....because i had slept separately in another room before.

    no bruises but still...

    he had called me bad words such as fucker, stupid idiot.. sigh


    ---
    i dont want to stir the pot again.
    i dont want my sons to get exposed to these kind of behavior.


    i dont want to fight anymore. it has affected my elder child...

    him screaming and crying uncontrolable.

    and my second 3yo son...seemed to developed some addiction to touching his nipple and now sucking his fingers...as a way to cope with his stress i think.

    3 years. 3years.

    and then i will separate myself to another house.

    Divorce for muslim women in my country is hard to get.

    I'll be financially independent, and then he can stop "paying" for sex.
     
  16. Hopeishe

    Hopeishe Fapstronaut

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    the more i read other SOs' journal, the more i think that

    women who continue to stay with these PAs are somehow damaged themselves...even before entering a relationship.

    we're probably have low self esteem that we continue to stay as codependents/ in a one sided relationship with selfish men.

    I can definitely say i was/still am:
    -people pleaser
    - lacked love when i was a kid.
    - low self esteem? nahh i was just too kind, too thoughful and too sensitive.
    But i was confident enough to go about without makeup and have short hair..

    ---

    That day my husband asked me what is going on with me?

    I said i'm not yet recovered. that i have to create an emotional distance, and ...

    as usual, he got angry and unwilling to understand me. He was upset that i could *not* trust him 100% or love him fully.

    And yet he is unwilling to help or understand.

    Our "how's your day?" is :
    -- now both sides would always answer "it's okay"


    it used to be always him saying "it's okay". Not being open. Maybe thats how men are: not openly talk about problems or feelings with wives.

    -----

    Other SOs have worse PAs. Some had gone contacting escorts, some had used webcams...

    My husband on the other hand...

    well, i dont know. It could be equally worse. i dont know my husband anymore.

    I thought he was a Godly and reliable man. But i was wrong. He rarely read the holy book and...we'll see.

    See if he continues to go to the gym and extra prayer before bedtime.

    ----
    He asked what is it that i need so he can help me heal faster...since i mentioned i need help that day...

    i said, watch a video to understand (that i need time to trust and heal) -- nope, he wont.

    fine.

    i said i need him to be patience, careful with what he says to me and give me at least three years to heal and trust.

    ---.---"

    +++++

    How can i trust him again, after three broken promises and now:

    him locking his phone

    ???

    and him not doing or saying anything similar to this:

    "No, i wont seek half naked women or porn because it hurts you...even after you free me from my promise."


    How can i trust?

    ----


    Im avoiding of seeing his parents because i cannot face them

    they who pointed their fingers at *me*
    when they knew he hit me.

    they who said it is a *small* matter.

    No wonder my husband feels entitled to behave the way he did.
     
  17. Hopeishe

    Hopeishe Fapstronaut

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    If you are earning income

    if you have no children

    if he is just a boyfriend


    run. Why stay?

    especially when he has assaulted you?

    +++

    im desperate for my start up to start selling product. I need money fast.
     
  18. Hopeishe

    Hopeishe Fapstronaut

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    i see a pattern:

    1. me taking a drastic step:

    such as
    separate bedroom, ran away to my mom's house, almost file for divorce

    2. he reluctantly agree to stop, and took a step of stopping himself from porn.

    such as accountability app, promise in front of parents.

    3. he complains and demand things from me, making himself a pain in the ass.

    4. i tell him to stop preventive step, and allow him to go back to porn



    and the circle repeats itself.

    May be it is my mind set that has to change. What book should i read?
     
    Last edited: Jul 27, 2018
  19. Hopeishe

    Hopeishe Fapstronaut

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    I have no desire to dress sexily at home for him anymore.

    And since for the longest time, i felt loneliness. My heart was wanting a spouse/bf --- which is *not* my husband.

    I focus my mind and heart on my son's music teacher. I have a crush on him. And when my husband and i have sex, i imagine it was him... or any other guy i'm crushing on.


    Anything to get my heart off my husband.

    I feel ashamed admitting this.

    And i also feel trapped staying in this marriage.

    It is just soo comfortable to stay. He provides well.

    ----
     
  20. Hopeishe

    Hopeishe Fapstronaut

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    We had a small argument and then i blurbed that i was going to leave him three years later. I also blurbed that i felt forced to have sex with him.

    Went into the another room to put baby to sleep...both of us had a short time to cool down.

    this time he was calm and open to talk.
    He surprised me when he said i dont have to have sex ...if i dont want. We talked some more and
    He also told me that he will keep his promise.

    hmmm interesting twist.

    but when i asked if he had seek sexy half naked women online last monday (a trick i learn from Spot The Lie book), his answer was doubtful. As he took time answering that question.

    A short quick no was ideal...but he didnt do that. And followed by that was some grooming/scratching motions on the face area.

    hmmmm...


    Moments later i told him he can tell me the truth.

    He was angry. He said why i accused him or lying.

    hmmmmmm

    Thing is: i dont think he will agree to being monitored by accountability ohone app.

    as i dont have means to validate his trustworthiness, i shall have to continue guard my heart.


    But one happy thing was that he suggested we have this kind of talk every week end...if it assures me that he keeps the promised

    He went to the gym.

    the end.
     

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