How to help in moderation

Initially in my recovery my wife and I had daily checkins. So we’d sit down and spend 5-10 mins talking about urges, feelings, triggers, etc. We also would have weekly retrospectives. Where we reflect back on our progress, and discuss any changes we need to make on a continuous improvement cycle. The goal is to come up with a few things to try or change in order to make progress. We Reflect on this changes and continue down by what works, and stop doing wha doesn’t, and add new things to try. It comes down to keep, start, and stop. So keep or continue the things that are working, start is trying out new things, stop is stopping those things that aren’t helping. The dialogue needs to be open and honest. So I or my SO should feel comfortable it is a neutral space and supporting space. Starting it is you can answer three questions, mad, sad, glad. Glad are those things that make you happy throughout the week. Sad are those things that aren’t so good. Mad are the things that really need to change or stop. These dialogs inform the keep start stop items both of you decide to do.

This is derived from the concept of Daily Temperature Readings.

http://www.pairs.com/dtr.php

We don’t do the daily checkins regularly like we did at the beginning, as we are making good progress without them at this time, but we always do the retrospective on a weekly basis. So we’re constantly learning, improving, and trying new things.

 

Great post. We were just talking about this on @WillSquirrel's journal. I get so much out of talking to my wife about my journey (at least I do when it is going well) but before I found NoFap it was a struggle to find the right way in to such conversations. Now I can open up about something I read here and take the conversation on from that. But more formal check-ins sound a good idea (if the wife or girlfriend wants that).

 

I would definitely start with the daily checkins, especially if you are worried. It gives you two a chance to engage regularly, and start a good routine. The point is to communicate with each other regularly, if it doesn’t feel like that is happening, that is where those daily checkins happen. It’s a chance to force the conversation, but hopefully it doesn’t feel forced and allows good dialogue. I can’t stress enough about following up each week with that retrospective. Hindsight is 20/20, take those lessons learned from that week and carry them with you forward so it is no longer a problem. It is the key to creating a continuous improvement cycle, for each other, your marriage, and your lives together. That all starts and keeps rolling on with good communication. Eventually you will get to a point where the daily checkins just aren’t necessary, as you both are communicating well and it becomes automatic. When that time comes make sure to keep up on the weekly improvement retrospective, because if things start reverting, distractions or complacency sits in, you want to give yourself the opportunity to reintroduce them in the future if necessary.

 

Your behavior and feelings are the same things I experienced with my ex pmo addict. You are in a situation that you have no control over so your normal reaction is to try anything you can to control it. All you are doing is trying to prevent yourself from being hurt again. And you are being asked to trust that your partner will make the right choice and be honest with you when he’s likely done nothing but break your trust that my friend is hard as heck to do! Nothing you did or do will control whether he PMOs or not. I think that’s step one. Understand that his decision to pmo or lie to you is his own. If you text or call a lot or want to talk more it makes no difference. If he’s going to pmo he’s going to.

BUT there is something he can do. He needs to rebuild your trust. If the trust is rebuilt then you will be better able to believe him when he tells you he has not PMOed. However if he’s not willing to give you what you need to trust you are unlikely to ever trust him again and make yourself sick with worry in the process.

Whatever you need he needs to do. If that’s talking more he does it. If that’s answering your texts or phone calls sooner he does that. He needs to not be defensive and closed off. All that does is lead to more distrust. This is not about you or your behavior it’s about him not doing the work to rebuild your trust. Demand what you need and stop accepting less. It’s his job to rebuild your trust. Your job is to be open to forgiving him and not overreact if he shares something that makes you upset. Allow him to share whatever he needs to.

I left my ex fiancé and I see in you the same things I was seeking from him and he refused as a result I could never move on. He never wanted to discuss it, he said he had stopped and that was the end of the discussion. He got angry defensive and shut me down if I refused to stop. For a while he would check in daily but always with anger and bitterness. He could not understand why I needed him to text me so much more. I used to say can’t you see how your betrayal has changed me? I was easy going before I never had this issues? Can’t you see why? He could not and he pushed and pushed for me to move on.

Your recovery is on your timeline and your needs. So please speak your needs and don’t feel ashamed to do so. Either he steps up or he does not. I understand he’s likely ashamed and does not want to discuss it and he does not want to see you in pain knowing he caused it but that’s all part of his recovery.

As women we put others first. We think about our man our kids our friends our family before us. Men don’t do that. You are putting him first and he is putting him first so who is looking out for you? This relationship no longer has an equal balance, you did not do anything he did. He needs to work to restablish that balance. Stop worrying about his recovery and let him focus on yours.