A day in the life of Jennica

I’m officially going to start a journal so this will be light but I need to just do it.
The last few weeks I have started working with my Hubby again. It’s been really good for me. The job is productive and exciting, working with other friends and fun. It’s been really nice having something to feel personally proud of again. I feel like I’m getting my groove back, it’s something new but I’m for the most part familiar with. I have realized I have sense of personal confidence back, I have realized how much I have missed that feeling.
Working with my hubby has felt good, we have a balance that feels good, he’s basically also seen as my boss too and that’s totally ok. This working relationship with is proving how far we come together.

The last few weeks have been long days and 6 days a week so I’m a bit tired but accomplished.

On the way home we ran into my estranged daughter and that felt really good. I was able to hug her, tell her I miss her and that I think about her everyday. She noticed us and called after me and was genuinely excited. I want to reconnect with her, she is my one and child and I love miss her terribly. I’m proud of how she has finally growing up. No more drugs, working and going back to school to be a RN. That’s all I have ever wanted for her.

All in all, with as tired as I am this has turned into a great Friday night. Now for a beer and pizza at home with my hubby and cuddle in bed with a movie and critters.

 

My plan for today.
Hubby had to go into the office for a few hours but he made a thoughtful point leaving me at home today. He knows I don’t like living at the office and that’s how it felt the last few weeks. I was ok with it as I know it’s just temporary with crunch time and deadlines.
Today I plan on filling out a some questions for @Kenzi I said would do two weeks ago.
Laundry, so much laundry to catch-up on.
Some light cleaning around the house
Letting the chickens out for some of their fun.
Hubby and I may go out and have dinner and beer tonight so I would like to finally freshen up my hair that looks super faded and let go of.

Hubby and I had our retro last night and after seeing my daughter that was part of it. I know he feels guilty about his behaviors towards me and how it affected her during that time, she was a teenager with her own growing pains. We had further talk about this morning and he would like to make amends to her as well.
I think it’s important too for both of them and me.
I’m feeling very optimistic about repairing the relationship with her. I still feel I have some trust issues with her too but as a mother my heart is always open to her and I have learned a lot between my husband and I that I think a lot can be applied to reconnecting with her. I’m hoping she will call soon, I told her it’s up to her and I will always be here.

 

We have redone our love languages
Leaving mine here to remember to remember. Now if I can find old one to see how it changed.

8 Quality Time
7 Physical Touch
6 Acts of Service
5 Words of Affirmation
4 Receiving Gifts

Quality Time
In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, "I love you," like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there – with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby – makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful. Quality Time also means sharing quality conversation and quality activities.

Physical Touch
This language isn't all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face – they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive. Physical touch fosters a sense of security and belonging in any relationship.

Acts of Service
Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an "Acts of Service" person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: "Let me do that for you." Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don't matter. Finding ways to serve speaks volumes to the recipient of these acts.

Words of Affirmation
Actions don't always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, "I love you," are important – hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten. Kind, encouraging, and positive words are truly life-giving.

Receiving Gifts
Don't mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous – so would the absence of everyday gestures. Gifts are visual representations of love and are treasured greatly.

 

Here’s my hubby’s

9 Physical Touch
9 Quality Time
6 Acts of Service
6 Words of Affirmation
0 Receiving Gifts
Physical Touch

 

I need to for me, my memory turned to shit as soon as I turned 40

 

It’s a blessing and a curse! I can remember stupid stuff and tend to forget the important stuffs.

 

Today is good. Shorter daysat the office but still not recovered from the last few weeks. We have most of this week normal for work hours then it will be a few more weeks of another crunch time.
I had a realization on how far I have come in just a few months. There is a software I was using at my previous job, I could never remember how to use it, drove me nuts and it left me feeling stupid really. I haven’t used this software in a year, not once. But the last few days I have been using it at the new job, somehow I know it better now, Like it’s intuitive. My mind is kinda blown but I can sense the difference in my state of mind now versus then.
It feels soooo good to be feeling like I have my mind back. I don’t think I really knew how much the emotional side of things effected my mind and memory.

 

Part two. Warning Lady filter! Shouldn’t be a trigger but this is most likely understood more so by the ladies.

Something else today and starting with a little back history. I have had stage 4 Endometriosis for at least 15 years, probably longer without really feeling the symptoms. My primary issues are chocolate cysts and I had surgery a few years ago to remove rather massive ones from both of my O’s while were going through infertility treatments (that all failed).
One reason why we had not done hard mode for hubby’s reboot is I have been in peri menopause with what was premature ovarian failure for years already and quite frankly I’m still holding some hope.
My cycles are everywhere at this point about every 2 weeks and that’s frustrating in of it self.
This morning I had woken up to some really horrible consistent pain on my left side and went on for hours (not PMS). I believe the cysts are back, it was not a a rupture (I have had many of those over the years) but as if my ovary was hyper stimulated (like from the fertility treatments).
This has me down today, the discomfort, the fact that I feel like I’m out of time. I’m 41, I’m not ready for this at all.

 

I was thinking today about my Journal post from last night with my memory at work. With everything I think I understand from about porn and affair fog I think I suffered a form of Betrayal Trauma fog.
The symptoms of and some being obvious like depression, isolation, also suffered from shame of his behaviors and even guilt add fatigue, insomnia, lack of concentration, bad memory problems. That leads to all kinds of emotional stuff and onto the physical stuff to boot.
During those few years I would feel so stupid, unworthy (I so wanted to a good job and feel myself again) and of course that would kill what was left, if I had any confidence left at all. It was an ugly cycle of it all. I didn’t think I could do my job, I didn’t think I could handle working at all, i couldn’t be a good friend and the feelings of being a failure was so pronounced all across the board in all areas of my life. I think that was the real damage of it all.
I felt I failed as a mother, wife and employee from his actions. When we SO’s say it killed or deeply effected our self esteem in hindsight that feels shallow description compared to what it truly does to us in our core, the overwhelming gutted feeling. Nothing is real, you can’t trust anyone not even yourself, life is an illusion and your trapped in your head and body.
I truly feel the difference from even a few months ago in this area, and that’s how I know I’m really on the healing path. I had missed my confidence and that left quite a hollow feeling in me.

 

Good talks with the hubby this week.

Yesterday really helped with some self realizations for both of us, thank you @AnonymousAnnaXOXO for your emotional affairs thread.

I felt like my head and heart was swimming in incoherent waters with trying to write up a reply, my thoughts were everywhere and difficult to get out. Not out of anger but more so that I have never really talked about it let alone tried to put into words.

My hubby, as he was writing his reply to the thread had the realization that it was an emotional affair, he couldn’t deny it at that point, something I always knew but he dismissed for the most part. I really needed to hear him acknowledge that and he had in that moment so we were able to talk about it more in-depth together.
I had the realization that there was still a part of that experience left me with residual feelings that still bothered me some.

We were able to clarify a few things about it on both our ends, sharing the same reality as he likes to put it. We are getting better with hard conversations and will continue to have them. They are still painful to various degrees but necessary to us both. All of this is feeling like end of avoidance for us, we have figured out how to make this safe to have these talks. Better late than never and thankful it’s finally here.

 

Thank you, It took a long hard road for us to get here, personally for me it took really feeling deeply like he was be honest with me.
1, If honesty was was part of the Love Languages it would be the big #1 for me. I needed to truly feel he was respecting me with being 100 % honest and transparent no matter how small.
2, I needed to feel he was truly listening to me, hearing my concerns and how things effected me. The validity, understanding with compassion and empathy to feel safe with being heard.
Once he started and continued let go of the denials and defensiveness it was easy for me to let go of my premeditated defensiveness.
These two things are huge for me after all these years of feeling dismissed, disrespected and diminished.

I am hoping so much for you and your wife with the changes that are coming for you both. We both follow your story as well as some others. I sorta feel like a silent distant cheerleader sometimes with some folks and stories on here at times.
I truly believe your wife has some hope still as the in home separation in my view proves it but I can identify with the internal fear of having the rug potentially pulled out again.
For me finding the place to take a leap of faith in trusting someone again is frightening. We betrayed ones also have our form of self preservation in protecting our hearts, mind and body. I don’t think I could have done it without the changes @NF4L has made and continue to make.

I want to give props for you going into the uncomfortable unknowns on your end, that’s a leap of faith in it’s own right and not easy but also necessary.

 

I just wanted wanted to check in.
Not to much happening the last few days other than powering through a lot of work stuff. Things are going well between the hubby and I, even with so much work but we are doing it together. A year ago we may have been potentially been at each other but this time it feels like we are Doing what needs to be done and doing it. Now I just warmer dry weather, I need some outdoor living time.