The Porn matrix you live in but deny

Beware, trigger words are used throughout this post. Read with caution bros.

I won't bore you guys with a super long and drawn out post (*** edit, its super long and drawn out but I think you will benefit greatly from my experience) however this stuff is dangerous. Porn is a dangerous psychological game you play with yourself and you feed yourself the denial all the way through.

When I started watching porn at 11 it was straight heterosexual porn. Very vanilla but it was my first dip into the abyss. I watched heterosexual porn as a child all day and night. 3,4,5,6,7 times a day sometimes. Sometimes for hours at a time. I was watching these on my fathers old VHS tapes and magazines.

From 11 to about 15 I PMO'd to any porn I could get my hands on but it was all heterosexual porn. Normal old school vintage porn.

Then I get introduced to dialup internet which opened up the porn vortex and I was literally wacking myself into oblivion. So many options. from about 15 to 25 I was strictly into heterosexual porn. I'm the farthest thing from being gay. I love women but I want to show you what happens that beginner porn (normal, soft, straight, heterosexual porn) is a gateway to more extreme types of porn, some sh*t you once thought was an abomination turns out to be something you crave. Its like what used to stimulate you becomes weak and you need something more extreme and hardcore.

After 25 (14years into heavy porn usage, Mind you I've slept with easily over a 120 women in my life so I had no real symptoms from the heavy porn use) Until I hit about 28yo. I started to get into anal sex (straight anal guy-girl) in my early 20's, then I dabbled into some like weird rape fantasy porn for while, then it was violent gangbangs, then sleeping fantasies (like watching girls get f*cked while they sleep) All fantasy mind you not real stuff. In my early 20's when high speed internet made its way into my life everything got real weird and I had an almost uncontrollable appetite for porn and sex. I couldn't get enough.

Up until this point everything has been with a girl. I've always loved women and was never into anything else but... My mind, my lusts, my craving was for something more extreme, something different, something taboo as I have literally exhausted everything else.. This was over 10yrs ago and I remember the exact video. I stumbled onto a smoking hot transgendered person. As a matter of fact I thought he was a female. This was my first time ever actually seeing one on video because it never interested me, but here I am in amazement about this person, who is totally smoking hot and shes wacking herself off and to me at the time ,I guess, it was just what the doctored ordered because I was becoming mentally desensitized from females from watching porn from 11 to 28 years old. (At the time) 2,3,4 times a day PMO, whenever I was alone, whenever I had the chance I would spank lol. Im 38yo and the only thing that gets me off is transwoman porn or transgendered person porn these days. I mean I can't even watch straight porn anymore unless is rough anal with a female. Its very weird and when I think about where I started off and where I ended up its shameful and embarrassing.

I have never acted out my fantasies in real life because I can't bring myself to do it, although there where times I was close to calling a very hot looking transwoman to my place once and have thought about it on occasion here and there but whenever I think about doing it I just can't. In reality ,
I love women too much, The trannys that I could only feel comfortable watching were the ones which looked the closest to hot females.

What has this done to my love life? It has totally destroyed any chance of prosperity. I have never been faithful or monogamous to anyone in my entire life. I sustained 2 long term relationships during my years.. one of 3 years and one for 11 and I treated them horribly in terms of never being loyal to them.. I sleep with their sisters and best friends.. I just couldn't stop myself from sex or PMO.

Now? My life is a blithering mess. I've ruined all my relations with them, I have ruined some relations with some of my friends because I f*cked their girlfriends and was dishonest. As of right now I can't sustain wood for very long, I only get about 60% worth of wood these days, I can still stay hard but I can't go very long anymore. I feel to cum in 5 to 10min if that. I have totally ruined my mind, body and spirit with this disease. Im thankful I'm with a girl now who is understanding about it. Libido has taken a nose dive, zero morning wood as you would expect and it just fu*cking sucks.

So for all you guys who think its porn is cool its not, masturbation is not cool at all. Have sex with a woman, better yet, have sex with 1 women and make her your wife for life and give her all your sexual energy because living like this, like me and my history is the f*cking worst. Now the girl I'm with is getting a shell of my former self, shes getting me at 50%, shes getting a mentally, physically and sexually exhausted man and for her its not fair because she loves me and I can't "fill her tank" because of my irresponsibility of my youth.

I guess the message for you young guys is. Porn is very heavy and mind altering sh*t and it will ruin your life. If you find you need porn right now, or you must jerkoff to porn and you make excuses to go pound the puddin' then you are in too deep and you need to stop... LIKE RIGHT NOW!! save yourself, your sexual energy, your mind, your youth for a special someone and give that to her. Just her... trust me a life of heavy porn use is a life destined for failure. A failure that will seep into your relationships with friends and family. It will destroy many aspects of your life so suddenly, so quietly you will have no idea until you are old and washed up like me with no more chances left.

With that said I'm into a 6mos Nofappachino and going strong and doing it while living alone because I'm fighting to get ME back. Only the strong survive in this world.. I was weak for a long time but pain and experience will wake you up. Now I'm choosing to take control of my life by any means necessary and not allowing my lusts and desires to rule me. I rule me now. Get better or die trying.

 

Just please remember brother a relapse isn't a failure or a prison sentence. Relapses give you a chance to analyze what triggered you. They give you wisdom and future strength.

I heard once.

" Man can make machines to fly higher then birds but Men still haven't figured out how to control themselves"

The war with yourself is the toughest war you will ever fight. Stay diligent and fight the good fight.

 

Very true indeed when you said that I was " All the way feeding your lusts".. Bro, this is a very true statement. It literally captured me. It shaped my life, it was always on the mind. There are people and corporations that are making a killing off of destroying young people and making us slaves. This is a multi billion dollar industry and we are all nothing but cattle (customers)... don't give the empire what they want.

We as men need to learn control and self restraint and we need to learn to protect the spirit. Doing this just destroys the inner workings of a man. Testosterone lowers, lethargy, mood swings, depression and so much more. Its just not worth it. Truly.

 

Just keep fighting bro and just know that there is a way out. Just abstain from it all and your will slowly rewire. Give yourself however long it takes and whenever you feel to relapse.. give your head a shake and remind yourself you are in it for the long haul.

Peace

 

Thanks bro.. you as well. Millions and millions of us are suffering.We need to fight back.

 

This post was fucking awesome and no insult taken at all. I hear you 110% and its actually nice to relate to others who have gone to deep like I have.

I don't think I'd be into hypnosis or seeing a sex Therapist. I have rediscovered religion and this has really really helped me. To be honest brother, one day when I was at my worst and broke down and fell to my knees and demanded help, (looking to the sky) begging to be guided and within 4yrs this amazing transformation spiritually happened for me.

I believe it universal power, I believe in divine mercy, I believe that because we have transgressed limits and bounds that we are always presented with a way out. We are never totally stuck with no options, this in itself is mercy. A universal mercy.

I will abstain from porn, I have it blocked every place and everywhere, I stay by myself almost exclusively and haven't PMO'd in a half year. Im focused and mentally determined and you wanna know something brother, I do experience symptoms, literally no action "down there" for months, Sometimes it feels like its been chopped off and you wanna know something? I deserve this because I have transgressed way beyond the limits and I accept this as a punishment. I know if I stay consistent things will turn around, I know if I never go back that "universal mercy"/ Homeostasis will return... even though it does feel like my junk has been axed at times and I have zero libido I'm ok with that. To be honest, I have faith things will return and I will regain control (actually teaching myself control, something I have never had) for the first time. I don't try to think about it much, instead there are other benefits I'm focusing on, such as, feeling better, feeling more spiritual, feeling connected to others, More social, I find I have more of an "alpha Male" type feel about myself, being more cognitive, more energy to burn, I find that if I don't sleep well I still feel pretty good, brain fog is pretty much gone. I focus on these way more then my dick and its been a great experience. Sure its been hard but there is strength and wisdom learning to control yourself and mastering your desires and lusts and doing so is part in parcel with helping self change. Fight to become a master of self, create new mental habits, literally when you start to feel a craving literally give your head a shake and say NO!, STOP IT!, ENOUGH! if you abstain long enough it does get easier brother. Train your mind to deflect those cravings, train yourself to hate that lusty feeling all the time, If you are not thinking about your girl, or loved one then kick the thought out of the mind. Don't flood your mind with things that you know you would never actually do. They are a waste of your time, thoughts and they damage you more then help you. Most of us didn't know the dangers as we were children, however, we know its wrong and extremely harmful so we must fight the battle of the self with reckless abandon.

If any of you need someone to talk to, I'm here.

Stay strong bros.

 

Good luck bud.. Just keep sparring with it, you will master and rule your demons and win! Gotta keep fighting

 

I'm a little new here but thanks and note taken. Even as I re-read my post I feel the triggers as I re-read so I totally sympathize and relate. Keeping going man, your doing great... No one said it would be easy. I welcome whatever misery and fight comes with it. After all I did this to myself.