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Pointing Out Other People's Flaws

Discussion in 'Off-topic Discussion' started by Fallior, Aug 2, 2016.

  1. Fallior

    Fallior Fapstronaut

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    Hey, I was wondering. I accidentally pointed out a flaw with my mom's teeth to her and she naturally got upset, which for some reason I didn't expect her to take it that way, despite it being obviously negative. Which I only realised was negative after I said it.
    Now, I've actually done this pretty much my whole life, as a kid and teen I'd do that with my grandma, and even with my mom now I've done it in the past where I mentioned pimples, sunspots and under eye bags. Of course she's in a bad mood now and saying I did it on purpose to make fun of her and make her feel bad, even though I of course didn't, but I'm just wondering.
    What type of personality trait is this? How can I actually explain this to her in a way to make her understand that I don't actually mean it and that I don't really take it as negative? I do that to myself all the time, so I'm of course used to it.
    Are there any links or anything on a website that can help explain this? And maybe even help me work on this, because I of course would not like to do this to a girlfriend of mine and would like to prevent doing this to my mom or anyone else in the future.
     
  2. lmaooo

    We all benefit when we communicate honestly and clearly. It minimizes confusion and speeds success. Yet there is a big difference between being brutally blunt vs. honest and clear. I agree with what @marcpro said.
     
  3. True-Self

    True-Self Fapstronaut

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    I think you need to realize that it's very unlikely that your actually "pointing anything out" to someone that they don't already know about. If someone had a pimple for example, they already know that they have it and you pointing it out only makes them feel worse. Maybe try turning your observations to something more positive. Point out that you like some article of clothing they are wearing or that their hair looks nice.
     
  4. Dude, your presence hits the spot. Username and avatar are right on. Respect.
     
  5. Fallior

    Fallior Fapstronaut

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    Yeah, that doesn't usually work for me. I just feel weird and uncomfertable saying that. Yet I'm more comfertable pointing out flaws, even though I know it can make them feel bad, and that my intention is not to make them feel bad. I know to an outside perspective it doesn't make sense, and to a part of me it doesn't make sense either but this part of me, it does make sense.
    Idk, it's hard to explain.
    I personally feel like I have 2 people inside of me.
    I have the side that does not care enough to help anybody or do anything, that gets angry a lot, swears, punches things, etc.
    Then I have the side that wants to help and do anything I can, tries to be as polite as I can, is shy, calm and nice.
    And sometimes there can be a neutral. So pointing out flaws but not thinking i'm doing anything wrong, would be 1 from both sides.
     
  6. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

    MsPants and Fallior like this.
  7. Fallior

    Fallior Fapstronaut

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    Well, I'm not sure if I lack empathy, because I know I do feel bad for them if I hurt them, or don't help them out. But I went through and answered what I could. Here's the results.

    -------------------------------

    difficulty making friends of the same age, children with AS may feel more comfortable with adults or much younger children
    -YES

    engages in one-sided, long-winded conversations, without noticing if the listener is still listening or trying to change the subject
    -I am usually more of a listener, unless it's with someone like my mom, then I tend to talk a lot, but I don't think they are ever long winded.

    displays unusual nonverbal communication, such as lack of eye contact, few facial expressions, or awkward body postures and gestures
    -YES

    does not empathize with or seems insensitive to others’ feelings and has a hard time “reading” other people or may have difficulty understanding humor
    -Maybe. Sometimes I just don't know how to comfort them and feel uncomfortable.

    doesn’t understand the give-and-take of conversation or engage in “small talk”
    - I actually don't know what this means.

    seems egocentric or self-absorbed
    -YES. I do tend to feel that if someone has a different opinion than me, then they are wrong even though I know opinions can't be right or wrong. And I can sometimes argue for hours online with people for even the smallest things.

    may speak in a voice that is monotone, rigid, jerky or unusually fast
    -Not really sure, I don't listen to myself

    may be extremely literal or have difficulty understanding the nuances of language, despite having a good vocabulary
    -Again, no idea what this means :/

    ----------------------------------

    may have an intense obsession with one or two specific, narrow subjects
    -Yep. Currently computer/video games. Have not found anything else that interests me at all.

    may strongly prefer repetitive routines or rituals and becomes upset at any small changes
    -Rarely. I actually tend to want to do different things

    may memorize information and facts easily, especially information related to a topic of interest
    -Not random facts or anything, but for example, in a game i'm interested in, I can sometimes only have to go through an area once to memorize exactly how to get there and where to go.

    may have clumsy, uncoordinated movements, an odd posture or a rigid gait
    -Maybe, not sure

    may perform repetitive movements, such as hand or finger flapping
    -Yep

    may engage in violent outbursts, self-injurious behaviors, tantrums or meltdowns
    -I can go weeks or months without being angry or anything. But then can sometimes go an entire week or 2 straight where I can become angry very easily. I tend to punch the computer screen or even my own forehead until it becomes very sore. I've also broken a computer mouse and tv remote. As a child, I used to hit my grandma quite a lot, and even hit her with objects, which to this day I still feel bad about.

    may be hypersensitive to sensory stimulation such as light, sound, and texture
    -Not usually

    may “day dream” or “zone out” when overstimulated
    -Yes
     
  8. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

    Hmm. Those are somewhat mixed results, but some possible signs there. Now you just need to decide if you think you want to look into whether you want to be officially tested by professionals. I'm going to repost the other link because it has some helpful info. Best of luck to you.

    http://www.aane.org/about_asperger_syndrome/asperger_syndrome_diagnosis_adults.html
     
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  9. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

    PS I read this book, several years ago.
    "The Journal of Best Practices: A Memoir of Marriage, Asperger Syndrome, and One Man's Quest to Be a Better Husband"

    I recommend it!
     
    MsPants likes this.
  10. SDPS

    SDPS Fapstronaut

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    Basically means you don't see the point of general conversational pleasantries. You can converse on a given topic but find it difficult with the give-and-take of conversation. Some of this can be down to general social inexperience but can also be a bit of an indicator that you're somewhere on the spectrum.

    You sound quite a bit like a friend of mine actually. He's definitely on the spectrum. Good dude but definitely has a bit of trouble with social norms including having little hesitation in pointing out others' flaws.
     
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  11. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

    Yes. I agree. This isn't at all a slam dunk that you are on the spectrum. But there's enough of a question mark that, if it were me, I'd seek outo a diagnosis.
     
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  12. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

  13. My first reaction was perhaps you're a bit of a narcissist? Pointing out flaws in others makes yourself seem better in comparison? It's probably not a conscious decision to do it, but it kinda makes sense to me. Do you view everyone relative to yourself, as in you measure everyone up and compare?
     
  14. Fallior

    Fallior Fapstronaut

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    Not really sure there. I know that I can't ever think about something to talk about and can lead to awkward silence or forced talking about nothing.
     
  15. Fallior

    Fallior Fapstronaut

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    No, I never put someone down to make myself feel better, not even subconsciously, as I do the same thing to myself. I never compare myself to other people, unless they look like me, but even then it's not negative.
     
  16. Fallior

    Fallior Fapstronaut

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    Yeah, that makes sense. I'll look into it, but we don't have insurance atm, nor the money to pay for that or an appt. Same reason why I haven't tried a therapist for depression/anxiety in years.
     
  17. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

    I'm sorry to hear that. It's far from a slam dunk that you are on the spectrum. Maybe just start doing some research yourself and keep the idea of a diagnosis in mind, for later. Remember, if you are on the spectrum, it can make certain social situations difficult, because your brain works in a different way than others. But it can also make you really smart! That is IF you are on the spectrum.
     
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  18. MsPants

    MsPants Guest

    I agree that you have a lot of similarities to someone on the Spectrum. I work with kids on the Spectrum frequently and they often point out things that are not helpful, not relevant to any conversation.
    Try to think about what you are about to say before you say it. Ask yourself if the flaw you are pointing out is going to help them or hurt them. Everyone is usually very aware of their own flaws and having someone else point it out is definitely hurtful and not at all helpful. Remind yourself of that before you say your thoughts out loud.
    I would also agree that you should read further into the Autism Spectrum to help you possibly understand yourself better, if that is something you feel is relevant to you and your behaviours.
     
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  19. Star Lord

    Star Lord Fapstronaut

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    Are you always so dry and inhuman?
    Also I find your username inappropriate considering the word people here are most susceptible to is the P word. Did you think before you made that username? What's wrong with you?
     
  20. youngweef

    youngweef Fapstronaut

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    You might not have any self respect and confidence,and because you cant see the beauty in yourself,you point out other peoples flaws in order to feel more secure about yourself and your lack of self worth.
     

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