Coming out of my Porn Coma (180 Day Report)

I posted this in my journal in the 40+ folder this morning but if you're not over 40 then you're probably not looking for it.


So today marks my 180 days being porn-free. Six months ago I would have thought this was impossible... I thought I was going to die with this addiction. When I was a teenager I would sometimes hide my porn in the garbage can so that my parents wouldn't discovery my porn if I died. For a long time I envisioned myself dying of old age laying in bed with my pants down and a movie still running on the screen. After decades of trying to get better I had given up hope.

Six months ago my wife had had enough. She was going to walk out and take our children with her. That was my rock-bottom moment. It was the only thing that cut through all my delusional thinking and scared me straight. My wife didn't think I was capable of change because I had been an a-hole for our whole 17 year marriage. Porn turned me into a stinking piece of crap and she was ready to kick me to the curb. I deserved it, but I was determined to be a better person.

I resolved that day to stop watching porn cold-turkey. I restarted writing in my journal that I had started 12 years ago when I first tried to get clean. I researched my addiction and finally understood what was happening inside my head and why it was so difficult to stop. Once I admitted to myself that this was a full blown addiction then I could apply the right tools to the job of getting clean.

Some of the tricks I used were: stay out of autopilot mode by constantly distracting myself, never being alone, never being on the computer while tired, going for walks, hot showers, journaling my negative emotions, and going to safe places online like here.

My username is taken from a song by the Bleachers – I Wanna Get Better. It has helped me through a lot of dark days. Our addiction is an emotional problem so it helps to fight back with positive emotions which we feel when we listen to uplifting music. Find your theme song... find your anthem... use it when you feel vulnerable.

My emotions were all over the place the first few months. Some days I was intensely angry for no reason. Some days I was depressed and hopeless. I grieved for what I had to give up even though it had zero value in my life. Some days I was completely empty of all feeling. There were days that I felt faker than a Rolex you'd buy on the street for $10. But I had faith that I wouldn't always feel like this. I just had to keep putting one foot in front of the other and believe that tomorrow would be better than today.

I committed to talking to my wife every day about how I felt, how she felt, how I hurt her, and how I could make it better. I took responsibility for my recovery, for my mistakes, and for making things better. Slowly I started healing my damage and soothing my wife's pain. Our marriage has never been better. Nothing destroys a relationship like porn does. Nothing kills love like porn. Love dies unless you cultivate it. PMO is anti-love.

Today I am six months clean, but I am not totally healed yet. I still have urges if I see something I shouldn't but it's not overpowering. The emotional triggers still cause me to crave porn – boredom, frustration, and rejection. There are lots of things I miss about it. I even still dream of it. I hope that feeling eventually goes away, but right now I have to choose to be clean every single day. I know that I am an addict, I will always have that capability within me. I hope that one day I won't think about it anymore or have to reject it dozens of times a day.

One of the benefits has been improved self-esteem. This is the most difficult thing I've ever done in my life. I can be proud of that. I am no longer that steaming piece of crap I was six months ago. I am worthy of being loved again and deserving of good things. I no longer feel like a slave. Addiction is about controlling your emotions with an object... in this case porn. But now I have seized control back from my addiction. I am back in control of what I do and how I feel.

Along the way there have been numerous people who have helped me. We need others to help us because our addiction is too strong to fight on our own. I failed to make any progress when I fought silently in the shadows by myself. We are not simply a community of addicts, but there is a body of knowledge and a true source of support that resides in this community. This community taught me that I am not alone. So I am resolved to pay it forward and share what I have learned about this addiction with others. If a 40-something year old guy who's been doing this for over 25 years can get better then anyone can beat this addiction.

So to all the readers who made it this far in my story... remember, there are no shortcuts, tricks, or secrets to achieve victory. You get out of it what you put into it. Know your enemy. Know yourself. It's hard work learning to become a human being again... this addiction has turned us into mindless animals. If you're the kind of person who whines, who gives excuses, gives up easily, who begs others to do the work for you, who does things half-way, who cheats, who is intentionally ignorant of your disease, or is blind to thoughts and feelings in your own head then you are destined to fail. Others can help you succeed, but no one else can do this work for you. If you want something better then you have to make it better.

The beginning is the hardest part... if you can make it past the first 30 days then things will get easier. What does the Nike commercial say? Just Do It! Find what works for you and conquer! Don't give up! Recovery is possible for those who work for it!

 

Of course. I've had a lifetime of keeping everything secret. I even hid the truth from myself. I was in the habit of shutting my wife out and I wouldn't speak a word about my addiction. I learned to say just enough to keep her off my back. I was afraid to talk about anything because I was afraid it might touch upon my problem and open myself up to questioning. I was a liar and I had to teach myself to be truthful.

In the beginning communicating was painful. Accepting responsibility wasn't easy. Every time we talked my wife would ask questions that peeled back another layer... it felt like she was peeling back a layer of skin at a time. She would sense when I was holding back and she would press me further. I had committed to open communication so I answered her even though I was uncomfortable. Some of the answers hurt her, but she valued the honesty. I learned that honesty was the currency I had to pay to reestablish trust.

Once she got to the bottom of all my secrets there was a tremendous feeling of freedom. Once all the secrets are out then there was nothing to be afraid of. When she would follow up and ask me how I was doing I could answer her with a straight face... I didn't have to put on the poker face anymore. To a spouse the poker face isn't hiding anything... it's actually a tell.

I had to review many of the major events in our marriage where I wasn't fully present and ask her how she felt. Sometimes I knew she was hurting, but I didn't appreciate the depth of her pain or all of the reasons I hurt her. Instead of offering an apology right away I would think it over and the following night I would offer an apology that had real meaning.

I was also not good at eye contact. I guess when you have secrets that you want to hide you avoid it. So I've been making it a point to always pause what I'm doing and look her in the eye when she speaks. I feel like that alone increased the intimacy of our communication.

We learned to avoid letting things fester and to talk about things instead of bottling them up. We learned to talk without responding defensively. Usually if things turned into an argument it was because I was acting selfishly somehow and I would have to backtrack and think about what I did.

Also, with this new level of trust, I was able to talk to her about my needs and what I wanted changed. I never could have done that before because I was always being selfish and any request was me asking for more. I viewed myself as unworthy of asking for anything. I felt I deserved whatever I got because I was indulging myself with porn.

This addiction had put a wet blanket on every single part of my life without me even noticing. And every day I'm appreciating how much better life can be.

 

You can find it here: http://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/coming-out-of-my-porn-coma.60578/