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Thoughts on my 90 day reboot (and beyond!)

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by Mark, Mar 8, 2014.

  1. Mark

    Mark Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    For whatever reason I found myself here 3 months ago, heard about the 90 day re-boot and decided to go for it. Here's some of what I have learned so far, shared in the hope it will help and encourage others.

    Firstly 90 days was never a 'destination', more a milestone and, as the Tao Te Ching says 'a good traveller has no destination in mind' so I guess that's worth bearing in mind as all too often 'the hunt is better than the kill' to most and once the desired target is reached it's just so easy to let down your guard but if it's on-going then whatever you have decided to move beyond is no longer an option.

    And I speak from experience as I'm not new to quitting addiction having, after several attempts, totally stopped heavy drinking/smoking on the same day in 2008 & the information that massively enabled me to do that can be found in the brilliant book Changing For Good' by James O Prochaska and I cannot recommend that enough especially if you are serious about making lasting, positive, healthy changes in your life.

    It's also worth mentioning I'm currently single (and absolutely intend staying completely that way for the forseeable future) and I arrived here on the tail end of a broken marriage which ended in the middle of last year (for many reasons) I also have no interest whatsoever in getting involved in casual sex and so am totally single which is worth bearing in mind as I've heard people struggling with the idea of not having sex whilst moving beyond PMO.

    I was also very much intent on ensuring that any pain I was feeling wasn't wasted as I know that pain can be our greatest teacher and I'm always up for 'hearing' what it has to say. "Never mistake the wrapping for the gift" as Richard Bach once said. And even if the pain feels like it's trying to kill you sometimes, it comes bearing gifts for those who are willing to receive them.

    So when you hear your 'addictive voice' PLEADING with you that "this really isn't a good time!" you must ignore it because as far as your 'addiction' is concerned (and lets simply define addiction as any unwanted/unhealthy behaviour that you are finding it difficult to move beyond) there is NEVER going to be a good time! Having an 'addiction' is like having a psychopath living 'off' you, masquerading as the real you whilst being willing to completely destroy you if need be as it lives only for it's next fix at ANY price! The hardest thing is letting go because it's a master at pretending to be your greatest friend and so it's really difficult for us to recognise it for what it is before eliminating it from our lives once and for all.

    So when I found myself here I quickly realised that there was a part of me that needed to be helped (removed) whilst also helping others along the way and a lovely quote I spotted in somebodys signature recently was...

    Student: I feel discouraged teacher, what should I do?
    Teacher: Encourage others

    ...and honestly I've still got a lot of unresolved issues in my life and just typing this now is helping me to get through some of the stuff I'm dealing with so 'help and be helped' was always my motto right from the start and massive thanks for all your help and even those whom I've had (minor!) disagreements with as they have probably helped the most and I mean that most sincerely because when we are challenged, those of us open enough, have far more to learn than often first appears even if it simply means you are given the opportunity to review where you stand on certain issues because life really is change and we're often too rigid to change with it which = resistance, and resistance usually equates to suffering.

    Learning about the 'science' was important (thank you William for, amongst other things, massively highlighting the importance of understanding the biochemistry etc), as was understanding the health implications. Also the social implications which has also seen me having some pretty interesting chats with my kids about all of this and it's good to have it out in the open, and it's even better to know my boys are 'educated' in this before it was able to grip them like it is so many other youngsters who are receiving their sex 'education' via the 'sex trade' and the untold damage that is causing.

    This site is challenging conventional 'wisdom' and in times when so many 'know the price of everything and the value of nothing' we need to be questioning everything! So get educated and learn/teach yourself about the problem and then focus on the solution whilst shamelessly sharing what you have found with others. And if you have kids talk to them about this and if you grew up in a house that didn't talk about this kind of thing then be the one that breaks the cycle!

    Theres an old zen idea that I've used for years and which really helps me...

    The Three Necessary Qualities of Training

    1. Great Faith
    2. Great Doubt
    3. Great Persistence

    ...and they are cyclic in that we start off full of enthusiasm and then before we know it the doubts (pain, withdrawals, resistance etc) kick in which is when most people give up but its the Great Persistance (the Superhero in us!) that 'saves the day' and gets us back to Great Faith before the inevitable return of Great Doubt and so forth until we eventually re-wire our brains through Great Persistance and create new/healthier habits to replace the ones we chose to move beyond.

    We also need to be aware that whenever we change/heal/grow it dislodges stuff that has been repressed/lurking in the shadows and brings them to the surface so you can let them go. And anything can come up at any point which causes you to feel emotional (anything from tears to rage) which is literally energy-in-motion because you are you are 'moving' beyond what you were. The fact is that life IS change and men in particular often have a problem with that because we are conditioned to resist energy-in-motion and its resultant 'emotions' because 'boys don't cry' and we are 'real men'.

    No wonder the worlds so fucked up when its full of people resisting change (which IS life itself and the ONLY thing we can rely on!) and the e-motions that accompany it whilst trying to prove to everyone else just how 'strong' and in control we are and that taken to its extreme creates wars! (And the only 'call of duty' I will ever be bound by is our duty to speak the truth!) We need to grow up which, surprisingly, doesn't mean becoming more 'adult' like, it means regaining the childlike innocence that we have lost, or more accurately has been stolen from us via our 'education' and 'domestication'

    So when we engage in the process of change we often experience something similar to when you have a pile of really soiled and dirty dishes and when you come to wash them you will find that the water gets dirtier before it gets cleaner as there's a lot of shit to be removed. And this is when most give up, because they thought things were getting worse when in fact it was inevitible they would as the shit rises to the surface. But in the darkest hour the eye begins to see so even when it feels like theres no light at the end of the tunnel you've just got to buckle down and keep cleaning/going because it will appear, however confusing things appear sometimes. And the thing is with addiction is we use our 'fix' to run away from change/growth, which keeps us well and truly in our comfort zone coz it's a scary place to venture out of but venture we must if we are to move beyond the shit that keeps us down.

    When you ejaculate you lose energy/vitality and I urge people to do their own research on this and I have become particularly interested in sexual energy transmutation which has really helped me. The practice of this involves meditations and massages etc that help move/circulate the energy etc not being ejaculated and we need to be mindful of repressed sexual energies etc when not O'ing in any way.

    More recently I'm curious about Karezza as we have been systematically brainwashed by the 'sex trade' to view sex/orgasm as an 'external' and goal orientated activity (especially porn with it's total reliance on visual stimulus) and these practices (which are far from new) offer a perfect antidote to the bullshit that porn has polluted our lives with. It's important to find substitute activities so one of the best gifts we can afford ourselves is to ensure we replace unwanted habits with new, constructive and healthy ones (which also helps us to avoid falling into the all too common trap of 'substitute' addictions)

    We really do need to be aware of, what author Brene Brown calls, 'the things that get in our way' because if we're just about to embark on any journey, it doesn't matter how focused we are on getting to where we want to go, the bottom line is that if you fail to remove the obstacles that are blocking your 'path' then even with the best intentions, you ain't going nowhere!

    So 'blend' with, accept and recognise your 'problems' (obstacles) as they come bearing gifts (and what we resist persists!), which in turn will enable you to 'flow' and go where your energies are leading you whilst you remain open to 'learn' because the lessons you fail to learn will follow you wherever you go and whatever you do until you heed their 'gifts', and 'grow' because that's why we're here, to be participants and creators of all that we can be...

    "Keep you doped with religion, sex, and TV. And you think your so clever and classless and free. But your still fucking peasants as far as I can see"
    ~ John Lennon

    "All of matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration. We are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There is no such thing as death. Life is just a dream. And we are the imagination of ourselves"
    ~ Bill Hicks

    So come on folks, what are you going to 'imagine' for yourself...:confused::rolleyes:

    Keep helping. Keep healing. Keep growing. Keep going!
     
    Last edited: Mar 15, 2014
  2. William

    William Fapstronaut

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    Hey Mark, thanks for the shout out. I think I am learning that the 90-day-clean mark is the gold standard for quitting this addiction. Yes, I have seen some fail beyond that, but not many. Congrats again.
     
  3. Mark

    Mark Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    Thanks William. It certainly can be difficult to maintain focus once a target has been reached but fully understanding the whole notion of 'porn is not an option' keeps it firmly off the menu and its simply not even tempting anymore because the nature of what it is and what it does completely repels me and I ain't going back, especially having come this far. And I think it helps to have a bit of a stubborn streak when it comes to moving beyond any type of addiction because theres always going to be something or someone, wittingly or otherwise, trying to pull us back and for instance I was tellimg somebody about quitting this the other day who dismissed it as a problem whilst also suggesting that I "think too much" to which I retorted (in a friendly way of course) that perhaps they didn't think enough and they were clearly uncomfortable when confronted with the question of their own 'usage'.

    I'm reminded of a quote I used to add on here when I first arrived...

    “At every crossway on the road that leads to the future, each progressive spirit is opposed by a thousand mediocre minds assigned to guard the past.” ~ Maurice Maeterlinck

    ...and I think that as 'progressive spirits' (which is what we are!;)) once you achieve a certain level of 'freedom' it comes with a degree of responsibility not only to maintain a worthy achievement but to set an example (and for me at least that includes my kids). And I dont mean that in a self righteousness or holier than though way just because in the so called 'information age' ('bullshit age' I prefer to call it) when we are being constantly bombarded by glorified 'advertisements' it truly matters to be aware and to share that awareness whilst making concerted efforts to move beyond the shit that keeps us down. I saw this the other day and it really struck a chord...

    'Not the cry but the flight of the wild duck leads the flock to fly and follow'

    Keep flying!;)
     
    Kurapika likes this.

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