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My Journey to Happiness and Peace

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Blondewife, Mar 23, 2015.

  1. Blondewife

    Blondewife Fapstronaut

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    I have struggled for a couple of months now deciding whether or not to post to this forum but I think it may do me some good. A little background information (I will try to keep it short as I could probably go on for pages). I have been married for a little over 3 years and have been with my husband for 9 years total. I never had a problem with boyfriends viewing P before. I have had a few boyfriends that I knew watched it and they sometimes watched it in front of me, never had a problem with it. Then I met my husband. I knew he watched it and at first it didn’t bother me, after all, that’s just what guys do, I’m not meant to understand that as a woman. After about a year of dating, I stumbled across some private chats that he had been having with random women on the internet. He continued to do this for some time. He said he never considered it cheating even though he was clearly crossing a line by accepting nude pictures and then reciprocating with either pictures of his own or with a live camera. Thank goodness he finally stopped that. He never really seemed to be happy to his full potential but I chalked that up to stress of his work and personal life.

    Fast forward up until about a year ago. I knew that he was still viewing P because I would randomly come across it on his computer, but I didn’t say anything because in the past when I did, or when I said I think you are watching it too much, he would get angry or quiet and he would do it anyways. About 6 months ago he started experiencing ED. After some research, I asked him if it could be PIED. He vehemently denied it, after all he didn’t watch P. We continued to have problems in the bedroom for a couple months but he said it was because he was stressed or tired or any number of excuses. Finally on January 21, 2015, a day I will always remember, I sat down at his computer to order something online and there it was, some P that I knew he would be embarrassed if I saw (as it was getting more and more hardcore). I took pictures with my phone so he could not deny them like he had in the past. I texted him (he was at work) and said “Now I understand why you never want to have sex with me”. He said “Honey, I don’t know what you are talking about”. I said that I had proof and that we had to work something out because I was no longer going to live a life with lies anymore. He said that he was watching P but wasn’t MOing. I found that very hard to believe. After many texts back and forth, he admitted everything. He said he thought he had a problem with P and that he was so scared he was going to lose me. For years and years I thought he was no longer attracted to me. I felt like his maid and his roommate, not his wife. Although I was glad to hear him admit that he had a problem and he wanted to change, that did not change the pain and rejection that I had felt for years. I have always had a high sex drive, he knew this when he met me. We got to the point where I would be lucky if I could get sex once a week. Then I find out, all this time where I have been thinking my sex drive was too high and that I was being too demanding wanting sex as much as I do, he was getting sex behind closed doors while I was asleep in the next room, very frequently. I always tried to be the best wife. I cook every meal for him, was available for sex whenever he wanted (which was not very often), I clean the house everyday so when he comes home, it’s clean. Looking back, I can’t believe I blamed myself. Thankfully the story gets much better.

    It has been 62 days that he has been in recovery. I love this man with all of my heart and would do anything for him but this was something he had to do for himself. He has proven to me that this is what he wants and he has stuck to it. His PIED is almost completely resolved (other than the occasional doubting himself). We are having some of the best sex that we have ever had. He is connecting with me in a way that I didn’t know was possible. As for the frequency, it is much, much better. I hardly go a day without it now and he seems to enjoy it so much more. Who knew that after all of our time together that we would be falling so hard for each other again. He truly is a wonderful man, always has been, he just wasn’t giving himself a fair chance. His confidence is up tremendously since all of this started. He smiles and laughs with his heart now instead of forcing the happy, he is truly happy.

    With all of that said, I still have occasional days where I doubt if he is telling me the truth about all of this. Deep, deep down I feel that he is. Unfortunately he has told me at least a dozen times in the past that he isn’t doing it and he has been. My brain is telling me not to be naïve as I was in the past but my heart tells me that he has changed. At the beginning of this journey, I had no trust for him and doubted that I would get it back. After only 62 days I feel that the trust is coming back as he shows me that he no longer desires that secret life. He assures me that he will be understanding for as long as this takes me to get over it. I believe him, at the same time, I wonder if my insecurities over the issue get annoying to hear day after day. Although the days of negative thoughts are getting fewer and fewer, I still worry about him.

    To whoever is reading this, NoFap and a lot of will-power can change your life and the lives of the people in your life. It is wonderful to see a community that takes this so seriously. If he can do it after 20 years of the PMO lifestyle, so can you! Good luck to everyone out there. You are in my thoughts! :D
     
    ZenYogi, Torn, Familygirl and 30 others like this.
  2. DChan

    DChan Fapstronaut

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    Wow awesome. Hes lucky to have a wife like you. Thanks for the continued motivation !
     
    Moxie and AccreditedZebra like this.
  3. The Eleven

    The Eleven Fapstronaut

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    He's lucky to have such a compassionate and forgiving wife. And we're lucky to have you on this site to share your story. I'm especially encouraged by your husband's recovery from PIED. That is my goal, and it is always heartening to know it's attainable. Thanks for the post.
     
  4. Blondewife

    Blondewife Fapstronaut

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    Thank you DChan and Eleven, that is really sweet of you to say. Eleven, it really does work. At the beginning of this journey (a little over 2 months ago) my husband could barely achieve an erection with PIV he wasn't able to maintain it, even during oral he had trouble. Whereas now, he sometimes gets an erection by just looking at me or kissing me. It's a pretty major change. If you hang in there, I'm sure you will start seeing results soon! Good luck to the both of you!

    Today was a pretty good day. We had a funeral to go to this morning and I had a test so I left him home alone. Usually I get a little antsy when I leave him here. Today was different which was strange since I knew he would be playing his computer while I was gone (he took the day off). I left and knew that he would just be waiting for me when I got home. That's a pretty stellar feeling. He has installed K9 on his computer which makes me feel better as well. Slowly but surely the trust is coming back.

    As for the feelings, they are flooding back to me. I suddenly find him funnier than I ever have before. I look at him across the room and can't believe I get to be married to such a stud! haha but seriously. I find myself checking my phone throughout the day to see if he has texted me (kinda feel like I'm in high school again). The little things that he used to do that I found annoying, I now don't even care about. For example: I am somewhat of a neat freak and he doesn't really care about mess or clutter. It used to drive me crazy when he would leave his clothes on the floor after his shower, now I happily clean them up and think who cares? He has started playing his computer a lot more which is fine with me. We both need time to ourselves to do things we enjoy. So this afternoon he was playing one of his games and I was painting. It's really nice to not worry daily about him getting back into the slump that he was in. I still do worry every once in a while and some days more than others. Those days are becoming less and less. Overall, he seems like a completely new man. We barely argue and we just enjoy each others company. Its great to feel this way again. Good luck everyone!
     
  5. silvaticus

    silvaticus Fapstronaut

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    I wish more people in LTR's knew about PIED and what a difference rebooting makes, not only in the bedroom, but to the whole relationship. For years, I went through nearly everything you described. Since my husband stopped PMO, it's like night and day, the difference. I really think PMO is destroying tons of relationships and I think many couples have no idea that that's where the problem lies.
     
  6. The Eleven

    The Eleven Fapstronaut

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    I feel very fortunate to have found this community. Reading the posts by Blondewife and silvaticus was like a pep talk to get me headed in a positive direction this morning. I feel so good right now after several days of feeling so bad, and I really couldn't do it without all of you. Thanks so much.
     
  7. Yes it helps a lot.

    Good Luck to everyone.
     
  8. Blondewife

    Blondewife Fapstronaut

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    Silvaticus: I agree with everything you said. The difference between him now and even 64 days ago is incredible. Thank you for replying.

    Selfdiscovery and Eleven: I'm so happy to hear that it helps to read my journal. I know it has been helping me to get out some of the feelings I am still a little uncomfortable with. Thank you.

    Anonymousguy: I am sorry to hear that you had a lapse in judgement but just think of how much you learned in the past 35 days! Give yourself credit for that and never give up. Honesty is always important in a relationship and I wish you all the luck in the world.
     
    freedomwarrior likes this.
  9. Blondewife

    Blondewife Fapstronaut

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    Today was a good day! I went to class and then went to work. I didn't have any negative thoughts today and am enjoying being home with my husband. I love being able to say that we are happily married now. I always said it before but I didn't quite know what it meant. I guess I thought it was as good as it was going to get and because I don't believe in divorce I tried to convince myself that I was happy. When all of this started 64 days ago I was so mad. I told him before we got married that he better be done with all the PMO and he promised me he was. He also knew that when I married him it would be forever. When I found out he had been lying our entire relationship, I felt that he trapped me. He took away my ability to make an informed decision. If he would have told me that he had been lying before our marriage, I would have waited. He said that he didn't want to tell me because he didn't want to see me upset. I can honestly say now that I am happy. Very happy. I feel safe in his love like never before and I know he is saving all of himself for me. That's really nice to know after all of these years.

    It's funny how I am learning stuff about him that I never knew before (almost 9 years together). They are just little things but it just makes me laugh that neither of us were really opening up and how literally like the flip of a switch we talk openly with each other about nothing and everything. It's really beautiful. Keep up the hard work! :)
     
  10. marise0705

    marise0705 Fapstronaut

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    Hi Blondewife,

    I want to say thank you so much for sharing your story. It gives me hope that someday my boyfriend and I can reach what you and your husband have. I've been reading more and more experiences on this forum as well as trying to actively participate in threads (I was nervous to do so because I wasn't sure what to say or if it would be helpful at all), but I'm definitely trying.

    I can relate when you said, "He never really seemed to be happy to his full potential but I chalked that up to stress of his work and personal life." That is EXACTLY how I felt with him! And I must admit, during this 25 day streak, I noticed he was happier, more energetic, and just...filled with more life! We're trying our best to progress, so we'll so how it goes.

    I wish you and your husband the best of luck and only good things! I hope to hear more about your experiences, and thank you again for sharing. Take care.
     
  11. ha ha....thats called the life!somethings just come and we are totally unaware of them but when noticed we must work on them.And thus you are doing a great job.

    keep it up!
     
    freedomwarrior likes this.
  12. Blondewife

    Blondewife Fapstronaut

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    Marise: I think this is a great site for you to visit periodically. I was very nervous about joining and posting but once I did, it felt great. Plus, I realized, everyone on this site is here for the same thing. :) Good luck to you two as well.
     
  13. Blondewife

    Blondewife Fapstronaut

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    So today was a pretty good day and very productive. I got up at 5 am (hubby had to go in early to work today) so I could have his coffee made and breakfast ready before he had to go off to work (our little tradition). After he left I had time to clean the whole house before I had to head off to school. I had dinner ready and the kitchen cleaned up before 6:15 tonight. All that felt great :)

    Although... after dinner I got all flooded with emotion. Here's what happened. Hubby is supposed to be going to a buddy's house on Saturday night to play some sort of game (I don't pretend to understand, haha). I asked him what time he was planning on going so I could plan my day accordingly. After he told me what time he was going I felt uneasy. I know everything is still fresh and we are trying to rebuild trust that has been broken for 9 years but I didn't know it would affect me like it did. I know that I am still extremely nervous about something coming up to trigger him (a TV ad, movie, etc.). I don't know how he would deal with it. I am afraid that he would be too embarrassed to look away or leave the room so I feel like he would think he could deal with it and then it cause him to relapse. I'm sure some of these feelings are irrational but I still have quite a few emotions to work out. I am just dealing with them as they come. We had a chat when he noticed I was being quiet (which never would have happened before, we didn't talk about anything). He said something along the lines of "Well hopefully this won't take you too much longer" (not exactly like that but you get the point) and I got upset because he has told me for the past 65 days that he would understand any emotion I felt and that he would understand. He said he didn't mean to seem insensitive and that he didn't mean to say I was taking too long to get over this. He offered to not go Saturday but I don't think that solves anything so I told him to go. I think I just need a little more time to sort out all my feelings and build a little more trust back.

    Although I got upset and had a bad moment, I still feel good. In the past I would have still been mad (and probably would have been mad tomorrow morning) but I just don't feel that way toward him anymore. I can't stay upset when I'm around him or really ever. Things are going too well for me to focus on the little things like that when I have many, many wonderful things happening around me. I just need to remind myself that these things take time. Just because things are going so well, it doesn't change the way I have felt our whole relationship. I also need to remind myself that he wants this and it is up to him to keep walking the clean path. I can be supportive and love him but I can't do this for him and I can't stop him from slipping up.

    All in all, a good day (minus the 5 minute conversation). Sorry for the rant but I feel much better.

    Good luck everyone!
     
    freedomwarrior likes this.
  14. The Eleven

    The Eleven Fapstronaut

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    He needs to understand (and so do you) that things are going to be a bit rocky for both of you for awhile.

    As Old Growth and cpf reminded me when I was going through a hard time with my wife yesterday, I am dealing with a lot of changes to my hormones and brain chemistry as part of this process, and it shouldn't be surprising that I'm a little uneven emotionally -- confident and assertive one day, pessimistic and depressed the next. And you are grappling with some of the same issues in dealing with your anger and frustration and disappointment with him.

    You both can manage this if you are patient with each other and with yourselves.
     
    freedomwarrior likes this.
  15. mikael1

    mikael1 Fapstronaut

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    Blondwife,
    thanks for sharing. I know by looking at my wife that it is difficult for her to be alone when I am gaming or studying. It is one thing to intellectually understand that your man needs alone time in the cave or to hang out with his buddies, but it is a completely different thing emotionally to be without him.

    Trouble is - too much closeness and we start rubbing off each other the wrong way, smothering each other, depolarizing each other (making men more feminine, making women more masculine.) So, it's a difficult balancing act.

    I am glad giving up the PMO addiction had such positive results for both of you.
    My only recommendation is not to overplay it: don't burn your husband out!

    Thank you and have fun!
     
    freedomwarrior likes this.
  16. Blondewife

    Blondewife Fapstronaut

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    Thanks Eleven and Mikael. I agree with what both of you said. He does get alone time. He enjoys playing XBOX and PC games and he gets quite a lot of time to do that since my hobby is cleaning and cooking. :) I will be sure to watch and make sure I am not hovering over him. I have been really trying to give him privacy without making myself feel completely uncomfortable. It is a balance but both of us are willing to work with each other. Thanks again for replying. It's always nice to hear what other people think from the outside.
     
  17. Blondewife

    Blondewife Fapstronaut

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    It has been a really fantastic weekend! I have always looked forward to weekends but I was really only excited because I would be getting a break from work/school. Now- I look forward to the weekends because I know I get to spend most of it with Haggis (my husband). He ended up having his friend over here (his friend suggested it). They played their card game for almost 8 hours and I went out for a little bit, came home and cooked dinner. It was really relaxing for both of us.

    Today, we deep cleaned the house together. He was so helpful. We moved furniture and vacuumed under everything. He did not complain one bit. His attitude and general demeanor has changed so much since the beginning of this journey. I wouldn't say that he was necessarily enjoying it but he seemed to be perfectly content with helping me. Then we went out to dinner with his parents. He had his arm around me or hand in my lap/my hand almost the entire time. It was so sweet and made me smile. I love him so much.

    Other than that, we both have the day off tomorrow. We have a bug guy coming to spray in the morning but other than that, we can just spend more time relaxing together and he can destress a bit more with his games. We have Friday off this week too for Good Friday so only a 3 day week? I'll take it.

    One more note, when he had his friend over yesterday, I kept looking over at Haggis and would get all tingly thinking about him. He would just look over and smile and it sent tingles down my spine. I am so excited to be married to him. He is almost like a new man. I have always been in love with him but now I am literally head over heels in love with him. I can't think of anything that would make me happier than waking up to him every morning and going to bed with him every night.... and now he feels the same way. He is sure showing it!

    :) Goodnight everyone. Stay strong. It gets SO good.
     
  18. Blondewife

    Blondewife Fapstronaut

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    Another great day today. Haggis and I both had work off today and spent most of the day together. I had to run a couple errands today and as I was driving around, I realized when I left to run my errands today, I didn't even worry at ALL about what he was doing while I was gone. I knew he would be playing his game when I got home and didn't even consider the possibility of him PMOing. It is a great step toward normal.

    I continue to have very strong new feelings toward him. They seem to get stronger each day and I respect him more and more every day. The cool thing is- he respects himself now too, and I can see it. One day until he has been PMO free for 70 days! What a huge accomplishment. He will tell you, this is the absolute longest he has gone since he was a kid. I am so proud of him.
     
  19. silvaticus

    silvaticus Fapstronaut

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    Standing ovation for both of you!!! I love reading both of your posts on here and seeing how the two of you are reconnecting :)
     
    Getter Better likes this.
  20. Blondewife

    Blondewife Fapstronaut

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    Thank you Silvaticus! I am glad that it helps others to read our journals. I know it helps us a lot. My husband is not very experienced in talking about his problems aloud. A lot of our serious talks have started via text message because I know how uncomfortable he is expressing himself. This way, he can write down his thoughts and edit them before he tells me to read it. He doesn't have to worry about coming up with something immediately when I ask him how his day is. He can write as long as he wants and I can understand how he is feeling by reading his journal. I think it helps him to read mine as well. Thanks for the reply!
     
    silvaticus likes this.

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