Sunshine's 1 Year Success :)

You can read about my whole journey here: http://www.nofap.com/forum/showthread.php?3551-Sunshine-s-Journal

It has been a really long time since I have been on here. I have officially been porn free for over a year now and it feels amazing to be leaving that part of my life behind me. I know I am not active on this site much anymore, but I just want to give everyone some encouragement. Being able to look my husband in the eye and tell him I have made it a full year was such a wonderful achievement for me. Porn has ceased to be my fantasy escape and now only haunts my nightmares.

I wanted to post today because the last year has given me the opportunity to learn a lot about myself, particularly why I got hooked in the first place. I don't think I will ever be able to say I am glad it happened, but the journey in and of itself has really shown me what I am capable of. And being able to be honest with myself and my now husband about it has been such an emotional rock for me. The fact that he loves me in spite of (and perhaps because of)the things I have done is so special to me.

What triggered my wanting to post was reading this article about the 50 Shades movie opening this week. A friend posted it on Facebook saying it was worth the read and I agree. I think the article really sums up, for me anyway, the appeal of erotic stories and porn. I struggled (like REALLY struggled) with self esteem growing up. I hated myself for a really long time, I hated the way I looked, I hated the way I talked, I hated hated hated everything. I didn't date, I felt so hideous and repulsive all the time it was hard to look in the mirror. I was so obsessed with this idea of being "not good enough" or "not perfect" that it has had some really serious repercussions on my mental health and sense of self worth. In this state of absolute self loathing, buried myself in books. I read everything in the young adult section, and one day strayed into the adult books. I stumbled upon some inappropriate material and that was how I got hooked.

For me it was (as it says in the article) being able to project myself into these bland female characters and actually experience being "wanted". I never would look up photos of hot guys or whatever, I never cared about that. For me it was being able to BE the girl, to put myself in her place and finally be "worthy" of affection. Even when things got worse and worse, it was still always about putting myself in her place. Finally being someone worth WANTING, both emotionally and physically. I was trying to fill the void, as I am sure everyone who struggles with addiction does. Everyone starts for different reasons, but I think deep down we all are looking for the same thing. It might be easy to blame it on just being curious or an accident, those are easy answers. I think it takes a lot of time, and a lot of courage to really look for the real answer. Porn was my escape from my own self loathing. It may have evolved to fill other roles, but in the end, the root cause is the same.

It has taken me over a year now to come to this conclusion, and I think that this process has lead me to understand myself much better than I would have otherwise. My journey of self-acceptance and learning to love myself is far from over, but it is nice to know that my journey is now leading places I want to go.

I hope that everyone reading this will take the time to discover the root of the problem. I know that once I found mine, it made all the difference. Be brave everyone! Fight the good fight