12 weeks "sober" today

I wrote this a while back when I made it to 12 weeks. I have since relapsed and bounced back and I am on day 210 today.

Somehow by the grace of God, I made it 12 weeks without masturbating or looking at any porn or participating in sex chat.

Read this post first. Then if you want my full story go here:

https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/lorens-new-journal.7646

How I feel

It doesn’t nag me constantly. I do get obsessive thoughts, but maybe only once a day or so. I’m not constantly reaching down to physically check to see if my junk is still attached to me, not to jerk off or edge, but just to fiddle like a 5 year old. I no longer really have to slap my own hand. I don’t obsessively check out sexual body parts of people I see at work, joggers, people on the street, and so on. I can look in their faces and see the Light that comes from being a child of God. I am happy and content, even though there are also trying times and other emotions. I am full of joy and peace, almost to an indescribable level. I can more easily look people in the eye, especially my wife and kids, and know deep in my heart that there are no secrets I am hiding from anybody. I have days I don’t even think about my addiction, or focus on avoiding triggers etc. I used to have my phone totally locked down, and back then I seemed to always be trying to find the loopholes, and in iphones there are plenty. Not to act out with porn always, but just to see. To break the code. To play cat and mouse. That gets my adrenaline going and that often leads to porn/masturbation/sex chat. Now my accountability partner unlocked my phone. It has been unlocked 2 months and I haven’t once secretly looked at a single image or video, even mild, with intent to get sexually aroused. My filter is now inside of my heart. I know I might get weak, but I have strong enough character to ask someone to lock my phone for me again for a while if I need it. My ED is gone 90%. My DO problem is non-existent, maybe I even come too fast for her, but sex is much better. I wake up to a really hard erection most mornings and without fantasy or touching, it lasts up to 20-30 minutes. I am 49 freaking years old. Who would have thought my teenage boner would come back! My sexual relationship is much better only because my relationship is better. I have surrendered to the fact that sex is always optional, and that there is never any obligation or expectation whatsoever. This is not a resentful surrender. I am so full of peace with this comforting feeling and knowledge.

How I did it

1. I called, texted, messaged, or committed face-to-face to another human being every single day that I would not masturbate, sex chat, or use porn for the next 24 hours. I knew in my heart that after the 24, I could either renew that commitment or go another way. So far I have always renewed it.

2. I read sacred text and meditated, prayed, exercised, ate right, got enough sleep, always took care of BLAHST before either Boredom, Loneliness, Anger (or any negative feelings), Hunger, Stress, or Tiredness (BLAHST) became a trigger to want to self-medicate with the brain chemicals that flow when I PMO.

3. I confided discreetly in many friends and family, who often ask how I am doing.

4. I fought for 4 ½ years this demon, getting 8 months one time and 9 months one time, but often relapsing every couple of days for a total of more than 50 relapses. All of that was experience which helped me make it to 12 weeks today.

5. I helped others. I have responded to many many of the requests for accountability partners on this forum and another. Helping others stay clean through encouraging texts, emails, and phone calls helped me stay clean. I don’t believe it is possible without this aspect; maybe it should be number one.

6. I listen to uplifting music with non-sexual and non-romantic lyrics. Some spiritual, yes, but also stuff like

7. I tried to be less selfish. If I didn’t want to do the dishes or make my bed, I did it anyway. If I would rather read than interact with one of my kids coming up to me asking for something, I set my book or kindle down, looked them in the eyes and gave 100% of myself to them. Oh what a joy that is. I start doing something I don’t feel like doing, even though it is good, I begin to like it and it is the most fulfilling experience I could describe.

8. I acknowledge God’s hand in all things in my life, even my serious accident that put me in the hospital and needed two surgeries that happened around week 8. I see all things as a gift, even stressful situations.

9. I live in the Now.

10. I LOVE what is, as it is. Maybe this one goes on how I feel, but it is an effort.

11. I listen to the little voice. I did what it said. It never harms or lies; it always gives me something good to do, even sometimes something good for myself.

12. I took care of myself. I looked myself in the eye in the mirror and realized how much I love myself, exactly how I am, with all my imperfections.

What was hard

Withdrawals. Oh my gosh. Seemingly uncontrollable desire to resume my old behavior (urges), extreme irritability, sleeplessness, agitation, physical flu-like symptoms, blue balls, sexual frustration, depression, dysphoria, loss of interest in anything but sex, despondency, but no suicidal thoughts like I used to have. These occur sometimes still, but for the most part they diminished as time went on. The first week was hell. The second week seemed a little better until it got worse, then from week three on things were manageable. I found to just love the withdrawl pain and push through it made the most sense. I don’t want to relapse again because these always reset when I go back to day one. I know. I have reset so many times. It was hard to forgive myself. It was hard to get obsessive thoughts out of my head. I latch on to the stupidest things, but they are related to my addictive behaviors. Another thing that was hard was the grief and feeling of loss of leaving this part of me behind. I felt denial, sadness, anger, negotiating tendencies (well I might not be completely done; maybe I could just edge; maybe playing with it for a minute is ok (pre-edging?)), and finally some acceptance that I no longer have porn in my life. I no longer masturbate. I no longer arouse myself via chat rooms etc. This feeling of grief and loss is very real and is still going on. I know PMO is a bad thing, but that doesn’t matter. I still feel a loss. The random erections that come as a healthy side effect of quitting PMO are a double-edged sword. I was often tempted to play with it, because after all, the most triggering “porn” for me is the sight of my own. I don’t need a computer or a magazine or a dvd.

Thanks

 

All Fired Up today

Do you know that I have been trying to quit porn since I found out I'll probably lose my family in February 2010, and I have tried with all of my strength and still I relapsed 50-70 times? I just made it to 12 weeks only by extremely slow, yet FORWARD progress. Even then, I started wanking this morning feeling sorry for myself. Self pity kills. I don't know how the miracle happened, but I turned to God, acknowledged that I have a choice every time and that right now, this moment, I choose God. I put my cock away and cried to Him, not begging that he take the addiction or the urges away, but vowing that I completely surrender my whole self to him, whatever he wants me to do. I have been walking with my head high today since that moment. It was a very close call, but I did not relapse. I stopped. I am carrying on, not choosing what I want but what God wants. For Him. For my family. For you and my other brothers who fight this demon. It helps to get fired up, to get angry at (the devil) or the porn or the evil of it all. I am so pumped up and full of fire right now. I am watching Gladiator at my desk at work ha ha. I'm using my adrenaline for a positive purpose. I understand feelings of disappointment or discouragement. I have the same ones. Perhaps I am only a few paces further in the glorious path of recovery from pornography and self abuse, mental, physical, emotional, and sexual. Perhaps you are ahead of me. It doesn't matter. I will participate in this self- and family-destroying practice no more. I will stand strong. You all fire me up. You give me one of the more important reasons to beat this. We will conquer together my brothers!

 

Day 99

When I have urges or temptations to wank my crank or look for porn, I think of one of my favorite quotes from the 12 step Sexaholics Anonymous "White Book":

"We begin to see that there's no power over the craving in advance; we have to work this as it happens each time. Therefore, each temptation, every time we want to give into lust or any other negative emotion, is a gift toward recovery, healing, and freedom—another opportunity to change our attitude and find union with God. We didn't get here in a day; it took practice to burn the addictive process into our being. It takes practice to make our true Connection."

 

A relapse. I tripped and fell, but got up and am still running the race.

I relapsed on August 4, 2014. I had been doing a lot of non-edging, non-masturbating self-touch. I should have remembered. It almost always leads me to edge. Edging sometimes leads immediately to masturbation and ejaculation, but probably eventually always leads to MO. I already know the lecture about dopamine and edging. Of course it isn’t a good idea. I have had wet dreams both with and without unconscious stimulation with my own hand. The other night, I was lying to myself saying that’s what was going on, but it wasn’t. I was awake, although very tired and drifting in and out. I masturbated to orgasm, and then to further the lie, I just came in my pajamas and fell asleep, acting as if it was a wet dream. To justify the whole thing, I wasn’t doing the traditional fist-pump jerking off action, but “some other technique” that I usually can’t cum with, but did. All of this is probably confusing; I’m sure it’s because there is so much self-deception and rationalization. That’s where I was, all confused and caught up in my thoughts; ultimately just thinking I could get away with something. So I admit that I masturbated, period. I got so upset that next morning that I actually reverted into one of my very old, very dangerous behaviors and openly masturbated to orgasm at my desk, when nobody was really that close by, but there were no locked or shut doors. The feeling from that latter orgasm completely sucked. The pleasure and good feelings from masturbation are just gone from my system. My heart knows where this will take me, and there will never be another “awesome” orgasmic masturbation session. There is something inside me that knows I am done with this.

How do I feel now?

Right after the relapse, for a couple of days, I felt awful. I have hand-written, with a pen, in a personal journal a lot of my feelings and pleadings to God and so forth. I have found this to be an amazing help to healing. I have had long talks with my wife about this, and she is hurt, but very patient and willing to go the distance together with me. I have also had a wonderful session with my pastor, and feel right with God now, having “confessed my sins”.

Now I will follow the format of the paragraphs in the first post in this thread, for me to be able to compare.

The addiction isn’t nagging me constantly, although fresh after a relapse, I do have many more thoughts turning to it. Sometimes all I want is a quick wank. I am obsessed about my own private parts, much more than at my 12 week sobriety mark. I am still tempted to “check people out” and have to strive to keep custody of my own eyes and not lust after other people. I do look in peoples’ faces and see the Light. I am generally happy and joyful and have been for the past couple of days. The emotional pain has subsided and I have forgiven myself. I feel good that there are no secrets anymore. I have deleted all chat-type apps on my phone, so I am no longer triggered. I don’t know if I have ED because we haven’t tried sex for a couple of weeks, and we won’t for a while longer by mutual consent. I haven’t been getting as strong of random erections, but I do still get them.

What I will do from this point:

1. I will call or text someone every day or attend a meeting or call into one and make the promise not to use chat, porn, or masturbate for the next 24 hours.

2. I will read sacred texts, meditate, pray, exercise, eat right, get enough sleep, and always take care of BLAHST before either Boredom, Loneliness, Anger (or any negative feelings), Hunger, Stress, or Tiredness (BLAHST) become a trigger to PMO.

3. I will continue checking in with my wife and my dad and my oldest son about how I am doing.

4. I will take this only one day at a time.

5. I will help others. I will keep in contact with all who are still willing to be my accountability partners and send uplifting messages, take phone calls, do the “feelings check-in”, etc.

6. I will listen to uplifting music with non-sexual and non-romantic lyrics.

7. I will go back to being less selfish. I will help with household chores and give of my time to my kids and wife and family and friends. When I talk to someone I will pay full attention, look them directly in the eyes and give them 100% of my love and attention, listening with empathy.

8. I will acknowledge God’s hand in all things in my life. I will see all things as a gift, even stressful or negative situations.

9. I will live in the present moment, recognizing that past and future are in my imagination and the Now is the only thing that is real.

10. I will love what is, the way it is. Complete surrender and abandon to reality. Everything is the way God wants it, why be at war with God? I will make choices to make my life and everyone around me better.

11. I will listen to the little voice inside me. The one that never harms or lies. It will always tell me something good to do for myself and others.

12. I will take care of myself. I will stand at the mirror and look myself in the eye, and tell me how much I love Loren, exactly how I am, with all my imperfections.

 

Hey I want you all to know I'm still in this. I am 20 days clean since my reset. I just haven't had Internet access for the past week and a half. Still cheering all y'all on. PM or email me. I enjoy giving and receiving encouragement.

 

I am writing this here because even though I relapsed 3 weeks ago, It is still a success story, and I hope all of you can see that.

Still going today. I am on day 23. Physically, I am feeling so much better now that it has been 3 months since my foot surgery. I am walking pretty good on it, at least with no pain. Mentally, I feel a bit in a fog, maybe because I have been so into this site the last couple of days, obsessively reading everything and trying to reach out to new folks who I think might need a boost over the PM system. Emotionally, I feel "I don't care" or "it doesn't matter" but don't get me wrong. It is a positive thing. I am letting go of the need to be concerned about anything and everything. Whatever is, is. I love that. I am happy and upbeat. Spiritually, I am on a high. Last week I attended a convention that was faith-based and just drank in the goodness and felt the spirit. I hope whoever reads this is doing well. I like PM's. I like making contact and checking in with all of my accountability partners. I must have dozens, and it is helpful. I asked one guy if he wanted to communicate and support each other and he said, sorry I already found ONE. Wow I need all of you, and I'll give all I can to all of you who reach out to me. Not just one.

 

I am seeing a lot of heeling in all areas of my life: physical, mental, emotional (big time), spiritual (also big), social, and sexual. Today I reached my 30 day goal and now I am setting a goal for 60 days. This isn't just about counting days. It is about a lifestyle change and about substituting good habits for bad. I've been reading about happiness, and there have been scientific studies, and a few days ago I adopted these "Happiness Habits":

1. Write down three new things you are grateful for each day into a blank word document or into the free app I Journal. Research shows this will significantly improve your optimism even 6 months later, and raises your success rates significantly.

2. Write for 2 minutes a day describing one positive experience you had over the past 24 hours. This is a strategy to help transform you from a task-based thinker, to a meaning based thinker who scans the world for meaning instead of endless to-dos. This dramatically increases work happiness.

3. Exercise for 10 minutes a day. This trains your brain to believe your behavior matters, which causes a cascade of success throughout the rest of the day.

4. Meditate for 2 minutes, focusing on your breath going in and out. This will help you undo the negative effects of multitasking. Research shows you get multiple tasks done faster if you do them one at a time. It also decreases stress and raises happiness.

5. Do a random act of kindness such as write one, quick email first thing in the morning thanking or praising a family member, friend, or member on your team.

Cheers my friends!