Real Life is a Trigger (TRIGGER WARNING)

I haven't found much info on this aspect of NoFap. Maybe I'm an anomaly or a minority. I've recently relapsed after almost 2 months of no PMO and after a lot of thought, I've decided I need to get all these thoughts into text so that some of the more experienced members here can help me sift through this and find a solution.

So real life has become a trigger for me... I'd say more so than anything else. I only use facebook and I have a clean news feed. If I use YouTube I'm good at avoiding the general "female bikini model fitness motivational" videos. Avoiding porn became a breeze. It's not the internet....

In order to paint this picture, let me describe who I was a year and a half ago when I first attempted NoFap. I was a confused young man who had just broken up with a girl, the only woman I'd ever fallen in love with, and was looking for drive and motivation. I spent months being extremely depressed after the breakup. I was lethargic, my life was a fog. I really don't remember much of those months; it was like separation trauma or something. Then I got a job at a warehouse and life got a little better. I made a new friend and because I can easily become a workaholic I found some diversion from the depression. I put in a lot of overtime and moved into better positions. My friend introduced me to the bar and club scene, which can actually be really fun... I'll get to that later.

I determined what I wanted to do professionally and returned to college. Now, guys, college is AWESOME. At first it kinda sucked because I was still mildly depressed and very addicted to porn, which made my interactions with women brief, uneventful, and awkward. So I did a semester and I decided that if I were to really kick PMO I'd have to make myself busy. So I got a job... and I took summer classes. I started working as a server at a very nice restaurant, which has sent my social skills through the roof. I started taking MMA classes again, and since I returned to school I've been rigorously weight lifting.

See, I've always been left out. I've always felt that I had less motivation or that I was a wuss compared to other people. I've always wanted friends and I've always felt awkward and like I had no social skills.

None of these things are true anymore. I've worked so hard to develop a dynamic personality and really all I did was get rid of the bs that was bringing me down. But I have a problem. I cannot handle attention. I feel very uncomfortable when it feels like "all eyes are on me". It's not that I have something to hide, it's like I feel greedy, like I'm taking from something.... like it doesn't belong to me.

For example, everywhere I go, every time I go out everyone smiles at me. Guys, EVERYONE SMILES at me. I feel so f***ing good sometimes for no reason and it doesn't feel right. It's like I have this narrative where I am not supposed to be worth anything and then I go into the world and everyone loves me and then I can't handle it so I have to revert to MO or PMO to reconfirm the narrative that I'm unwanted and insignificant.

I want you all to understand something. Everywhere I go, women hit on me and flirt with me. I go to work and the hostesses are always smiling at me and want to talk to me. One of them gets all awkward and cannot contain her laughter. I'll just smile at her and this girl's knees will buckle. If I even acknowledge her presence she starts skipping aground and laughing. I go to the gym, which has become a rather prominent gym for bodybuilders in my area, and there are figure athletes smiling at me and trying to talk to me. Older women with more confidence will approach me and try to have conversations with me at the gym. You want to talk about school? Just the other day I went to class and these girls who I never even noticed, from across the classroom were trying to ask me if I was single. The grocery store... if I get a f***ing cheeseburger.... don't even get me started on the clubs!

What I'm saying is that this is awesome but at the same time I don't know how to handle it. I feel like I've evolved into some kind of conduit of sexual energy. This porn narrative is embedded deep in my mind because I feel like Neo when he was unplugged from the matrix and he almost broke his mind.... How to I manage this without becoming some kind of egotistical a**hole and how do I avoid relapsing when so much sexual energy is channeled my way constantly?