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READ THIS! I'm curious of your opinion about my story (HOCD,PIED)

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by kriss93, Aug 6, 2015.

  1. kriss93

    kriss93 Fapstronaut

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    Hey all.

    This may will be a bit long story, but i want you to READ along, and write your opinion in comment please.

    Let's start my story:

    As I born, I know I'm attracted to women ONLY, and I feel very comfortable with my "male being".

    In elementary school, I often fantasize about my "adulthood", when I have a beautiful WIFE, and I "fight for her" every single day, and I'm happy with her. I often imagine that we walk hand in hand together, and go to a holiday and etc. At this time, I'm masturbating 2-3 times A WEEK, and ONLY FOR MY FANTASY (which is about one of my girl classmate, or woman teacher, etc...).(I was 8-10 years old at this time). But time goes by, and I started to masturbate more often. When I was 12-14 years old, I'm masturbating every single day, only for girls, and already only for my fantasies (so, NO PORN at this time). I had spontaneous erections at the beach, or just when I see a girl in tight jeans, and her ass shape has standed out.

    BUT! There is a thing that frustrate me nowadays..... I was only masturbate girls with ANAL SEX. I can't imagine (or even try to imagine) vaginal sex (maybe because pounding girls anally made me satisfied enough.)
    But still, until 5th class in elementary school, I'm only masturbate anally about girls, and nothing else. I do this every single day, and there are days (often), when I ALWAYS DO THIS, WHEN I GO TO SLEEP, AND WHEN I WAKE UP IN THE MORNING (so 2 MO/day). This is how I "work" for 1-2 years, and after that, (maybe I was 13 years old, or something like that), one morning I "catch myself" masturbating for some dudes (my classmates too) FUCKING ME....And I'm ejaculate. I was REALLY depressed at that day, because I'm afraid I'm going to be gay, and I DON'T WANT TO. I try to "not thinking about that", but obviously it' there....in my days....the thought itself...
    But time goes by, and I EMOTIONALLY ONLY attracted to girls. At this time, I often imagine that I kiss one of time, hug them, make them happy, and etc. At this time I haven't question my "male being" or my masculinity.

    At the age of 15 or 16, I discover internet porn... and things getting worse. I masturbate to porn and to my fantasy every single day. (Only for vanilla/straight porn). It was good, I think. (Maybe I started porn, because in my deep mind I want a reassurance that I'm not gay). Years just go away, and I was around 18-19, when (I think my mind "takes enough") I catch the thought: "What if I'll be the girl in porn (or sexual intercourse)?" And that feeling made me aroused, but after ejaculation, i always felt so depressed, and of course began to question my masculinity...After that moment, I more often "want to be the girl" in sex, because that (as i said) made me aroused. At this time, in REAL LIFE, I was a ZOMBIE, I have a very bad OCD in grammar school (I always think, that I'm drowning...and can't get enough air..). At this time, I masturbate 1-2 times a day (minimum 1 times/day), maybe 50-50% to porn and my fantasy. I always "force" that I'm the man in the sex, but when I think I'm the woman, it was more arousing... And as time goes by, it was more and more arousing, and "being a man in the sex" is less arousing.
    I recognized that I CAN'T GET a spontaneous erection in real life (what I wrote up)...even how hard I force it. Sometimes I had a minimum of tingling feeling in my pants, but nothing else.
    At that moment I think I'm really gay...but I don't care of that, and continue masturbate every day ( increasingly to porn(but still only straight), not my fantasy). I often "testing" myself in grammar school, what if I kissing a man....at the first few times I found it disgusting, but if I more often try it, it made the "tingling" feeling sometimes. I was very scary about that. I started to have more and more gay thoughts, and I felt so depressed...I NEVER want to be gay or bi.
    At my age of 17 or 18 (I'm still masturbating very often to porn, because I just don't think that could be a problem) sometimes before I got sleep I "explore" vaginal sex and it felt good. After that, I masturbate to vaginal sex a very rare time (10 times = 1 time vaginal, 9 time anal).
    (But in my whole life, if I see a vagina in picture, i couldn't get my d*ck hard, just a bit "interested" about that, and nothing else)

    At my age of 19-20, I felt very depressed (i'm in the second year of university), and I just don't know what's wrong with me.... I started to google. And I found Yourbrainonporn.com, and I'm very suprised, but happy, because there is a "light" to be 100% straight, because I've read, porn can change sexual tastes.

    To add to this, at this time I've never had a girlfriend before, and I was a virgin (still virgin now, I'm 22).
    But one day, I met a girl on the internet, with who I think I was in love with, and the "gay thought" are really rarely haunted me. But after a 2 months of "Internet love" (Because we never met), she stiffed me and I felt very very sad. (Because I had the same fantasies with her, when I had in childhoood......together, family, and happy life.)
    With her, I'm fantasizing more often about vaginal sex....and it felt good.

    But after she "leaves" me, I don't give up, and I decided to HAVE a girlfriend because I NEED one. I felt this way. I started to go to gym, and lose weight, and tadam....2-3 months later I have a girlfriend. It wasn't a "love at first sight", but I feel good with her, and I'm PROUD to have a girlfriend. We tried to have sex after a 1-1,5 months of going out, but....(I know you guess it) I couldn't get it up. She tried to give me oral, but nothing happens. That was the biggest shame in my whole life. But EMOTIONALLY, we going to get closer to each other as time goes by... But she's a really "Sex-oriented" girl , and every single night, when we sleep together, I have a very bad anxiety to "What happens, if we try it again, and it still doesn't work", so I try to avoid sex situations. But she (of course) a month later said that like I have no passion or urge to have sex with her. It's partly true, because in my mind I WANT sex with her, but I try to avoid the situations because I'm afraid....afraid of impotence, AND afraid of "If i can't fuck her pussy ---> I might be gay". I didn't even try to "touch" her pussy, because I didn't have urge to do that (and maybe I'm afraid of pussy, lol...).
    She left me after a 3 month of explaining why I had avoid sex with her. I told her my porn problem, but she didn't believe me.....I think she thought something like this: "He probably gay, but he don't confess that..."
    And it really make me angry, when i can guess out what other people think about me, especially these kind of thoughts.

    After that, I felt very depressed, because I started to think that she might be right... and I went back to porn again... but this time it was getting more worse than ever. I'm discovered transwoman porn, and i find it VERY arousing. It was around a half year ago (I was 21). For the last few months (1-2 month) transwoman porn was the one that made me VERY aroused. And I started to think about penises, and my doubt to be a girl in the sex came back again. But of course a worse type of it....after a little time, I have "continue" this "be a girl" thing, like: "What if I be a girl in REAL life?" and something like that... I started to interest in male's masculinity, and less interest about women feminity. I more often "think like a woman"....which I never do in my childhood. For example:(Masturbating on porn or my fantasy) I say words like I'm the woman in sex, like these: "WHAT LUCKY I AM TO HAVE A BIG D*CK like that" and in between I imagine that a big hard c*ck fuck me hard. And I found this very arousing.
    By this time, when I'm naked, and see down to my penis, I feel my brain "creates more spit".

    But! One important thing is: I only imagine HETERO situations! I don't even imagine that I fuck another dude or something like that....just I am a woman and I've fcked by a dude...

    I read about HOCD (as i mentioned) and I STILL don't know it's my hocd, or my latent homo/bisexuality.
    Because sometimes I try to imagine to live with a guy in a marriage or relationship, and it made me very sad...because deep down I KNOW I don't want that.
    Additionally, before I read about HOCD I only feel SEXUAL attracted by men. But one dude commented something like that: "If your're EMOTIONALLY attracted to men, you might be gay/bi"....after that time, I often "testing" myself with emotions towards men...and I think back in my childhood something like this: "Was I really feel only friendship towards my friend in elementary/grammar school, or is it love, but I just don't realize that?" But when I think about this, I always pray in myself: "Oh God, say it was just friendship and nothing else...".

    LAST thing: I decided to give up porn and MO (especially porn forerver, and try to minimalize MO, and MO to normal things, soft porn.) 8 days ago. BUT my HOCD is NOW the worst I think... I try to think about being a relationship in a woman before i sleep, and fuck vaginally(!) a woman (Sometimes it is arousing me), but don't even MO for that (some kind of "soft edging").

    So, that's my whole story, and I ONLY HOPE when I've done this rebooting process, I can enjoy VAGINAL sex with a REAL woman, and not turned out to be gay or bi.

    PLEASE write your opinion about my story, because I very confused about this whole rebooting process and every honest comment is important to me.

    I hope you read this.
    All the best.
     
    Davy likes this.
  2. kriss93

    kriss93 Fapstronaut

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    I need to add that I NEVER watch gay porn, just transgendered person...
     
  3. Антоан

    Антоан Fapstronaut

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    I don't think you're gay. Not at all. You're straight, but masturbating and porn messed up your mind really hard. IMO you should do a 90 day reboot of no PMO. but it'll be really hard for you since you're deep into addiction.
     
    vxlccm likes this.
  4. kriss93

    kriss93 Fapstronaut

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    I'm on my way to do the 90 day reboot (currently I'm soon in day 9). But is it "normal", that my mind NOW tells the most intrusively that "Kissing a man is arousing you...." "Hmmm, in pictures, you look at men first, not woman, and check which is handsome or not.." These kind of feelings are NOW the strongest.... maybe it's some kind of withdrawal symptons, (and fear) because toward woman i feel zero sexuality and nothing in my pants. I hope it's just only my brain's trick, to maintain my dopamine level high... because "old times" (at my childhood) I remember i can get hard easily when I imagine I just "push" my d*ck to woman's good ass....and if i imagine it now, nothing happens in my pants.

    What do you think, how many weeks (or months?!) need to my testosterone level to go to a normal rate? (Because i think lot's of ejaculations made it very very low, and maybe it can "explain" that, why I think sometimes like a woman...)
     
  5. Антоан

    Антоан Fapstronaut

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    Yes there are withdrawal effects. Like depression, fear, laziness, overall moody temper. You're just calm and happy and after 5 minutes you're depressed and feel like you want to kill yourself. IMO tho you should stop PMO forever. It's useless to start all over again, it's just something you have to live without.
    About the rebooting, 90 days is the period for your penis to heal itself kinda... you know to give it a break. But to fix the negative effects on your mind from fapping and porn you'll need to stop for longer. It pretty much depends on how much you've been an addict. Some people need 7 months, some 1 year, 2 years and etc.
     
  6. kriss93

    kriss93 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks to your suggestions. What do you think....I'll loose my interests in men and dicks for step by step as time goes by without PMO (and a minimum of MO), or it'll be a "sudden" thing? As you mentioned, my goal is to no PMO ever! And I know, I'll DO this, because I GIVE EVERYTHING to get an erection to a real life girl (and at least give everything to ZERO aroused by men, like i did a few years ago...), I'm just afraid of the result of the reboot....(fearing of being gay to the end...), but now, I don't care, because this is my LAST CHANCE to get my old life back. I don't know how many times need to me, to can maintain an erection and able to have sex with a real girl....have you got a tip? (Now I feel I can't be able forever, but I know it's normal now....but I'm getting nervous because days go and I don't feel any improvement (or re-change signs) about my sexual tastes...What do you think, WHEN will the first good signs appears? :)

    Sorry for many questions, but I feel very scared nowadays...:/
     
  7. Антоан

    Антоан Fapstronaut

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    As i said it depends on how much you've been an addict, so I cant tell when the first good signs will appear. You'll start getting better day by day as the time goes. But you shouldn't fap, not even on your own fantasies. You shouldn't even fantasize about stuff, as it damages your rebooting process! I know it sounds hard, but i know you're not a quitter!
    After 90 days you will have erections to real life girls. Don't worry I guarantee 100%!
    You said you don't have urges to fap. I think that's because you've been pleasing yourself for a very long time and usually people like feel their penis like dead peace of meat instead of having urges. But it will get better after a while, just give it a time.
    Something i wanted to say is that you should start doing some sport or going to the gym, it helps you overcome depression and stress and it's healthy! (obviously) If you have hobbies like sports, reading a book, writing, meditating it'll be a lot easier to get over your addiction.
     
  8. kriss93

    kriss93 Fapstronaut

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    I know that "dead penis" is the flatline, but I'm afraid about that as I think to "gay thoughts" or something like that, there's a bit tingling arousal in my pants and a very serious anxiety pair with it...I try to prove myself that I'm straight with "soft edging" every night, like lying in a hug with a girl, and spectate what feelings I have about that...but it's scary because is close to nothing... a bit "happy" feeling that I "have" a beautiful girl in my arms but nothing else... I hope this is normal now.

    What do you suggest about this "soft edging", and "gay thoughts"? Should I ignore them all? Or when it comes to my mind, should I suddenly think about something else, or let them continous? (But if I let them, it' always lead to a very bad anxiety (and arousal))
     
  9. FreedomIsHere

    FreedomIsHere Fapstronaut

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    I think a reboot of 90 days like the others are saying should help. Gives your mind and body time to heal. Hope everything goes well, good luck! You can do it, just stay strong!
     
    vxlccm likes this.
  10. kriss93

    kriss93 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for your suggestions bezimeni.... to answer your question.... there's nothing wrong with gay people, but I DON'T want to be gay...because I don't want to "loose" the opportunity to have a relationship with a beautiful woman, and have children, normal family, and etc...
     
  11. Антоан

    Антоан Fapstronaut

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    See? You can't be gay with such a mindset!
     
    kriss93 likes this.
  12. kriss93

    kriss93 Fapstronaut

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    Put case, that my sexual tastes changed...and i really started to looking at men sexually....but what can I do with that? Is it reversible? Because I'm on day 10 of rebooting but it's just like day 1....I feel that nothing better... :( Any tips what should I do to NOT looking men sexually? (Because now, even if I see a man, near every man, I think: "Could I been in a relationship with him?" And as I thinking about it more and more, the answer is getting close to "yes", but every time I establish that, I'm getting very nervous and have a big anxiety and fear...

    Any suggestions you have maybe useful to me to (at least) getting a bit better and calmer.... please help...
     
  13. Cyrus the Virus

    Cyrus the Virus Fapstronaut

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    The only person who can say whether you are straight or gay (or something in between) is you. HOCD is often just a case of homophobia. Once you can get over this homophobia and just be confident in yourself no matter your sexuality you will find ease.
    No one is forcing you enter a homosexual relationship. You are free to do do what you want and form any kind of relationship you wish. I don't understand what you mean by "lose the opportunity" to have a heterosexual relationship. There is no binding contract that states once you've had a gay relationship you can never have a straight one. You say you believe there is nothing wrong with gay people, but you also say you fear being gay because you want a "beautiful woman" and a "normal family". Unless you believe there is something wrong with being gay, what is not normal about a family with same-sex parents? And is there something wrong with a gay man for being attracted to another man rather than a "beautiful woman"?
    I understand being confused after watching transsexual pornography (I myself became confused), but it makes no sense to be scared. If a possible gay/trans relationship becomes an opportunity for you in the future and it feels right or natural then embrace it. Life is too short to fear something that is "different". And if it does not feel right or natural simply don't enter into a gay relationship, no one is holding a gun to your head.
    I am straight and I do not plan on forming a gay relationship with a man. But if it happened to be something that just felt right when the time came (granted it would not be the easiest thing to wrap my head around) I would try not to be scared and try not to deprave myself from something that could give me happiness.
    Please know that I don't want to sound like I am criticizing you as a person and I am not calling you gay (or anything for that matter). I understand how this world makes anything other than heterosexuality very difficult to grasp.
     
    theGECK and Headspace like this.
  14. kriss93

    kriss93 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks to write your opinion cyrus. :)

    The most important thing I think: I have moments when the HOCD doesn't "control" my mind, and I state myself as a heterosexual, I'm very CALM, and anxiety is near zero. I think this is the key that I'm straight...the only thing I just can't understand that why I not found vaginal sex extremely arousing... But it's important to know: There are times when I think about it, and if I imagine ,but I'm afraid that I wouldn't be arousing in real life....(because as I wrote, I have the opportunity to fuck my 3 month girlfriend's pussy but I didn't) :)

    I'm entering to day 11 without PMO or MO in rebooting, and THERE ARE moments while I'm quite sure that I'm straight, but HOCD is on my mind all the day yet....I hope it will go away with time...
     
    Last edited: Aug 8, 2015
  15. kriss93

    kriss93 Fapstronaut

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    Done the editing, sorry about that. :)
     
  16. Hero One

    Hero One Fapstronaut

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    @kriss93

    Thanks for sharing your situation. It's a really classic case of how an addiction to MO (and later PMO) that starts at a young age, can really develop your brain. You've spent most of your developing years reinforcing your brain to enjoy certain things that you fantasise about and watch, to the point where it has actually shaped your sexual preferences. You enjoy the fantasies that you do, because your brain believes that is the quickest way to get the shot of dopamine that is release when you orgasm - you continually reinforce that belief by providing that stimulation.

    So when you were actually in a sexual situation - your brain wasn't aroused by it, because to your brain, that wasn't sex - it's not used to getting aroused by that. That in turn creates that psychological anxiety barrier to arousal to further reinforce it that you experienced.

    The solution is, as you're already doing, to abstain completely from sexual interaction. No PMO for a considerable amount of time will be required to overcome this addiction. 90 days is often thrown around as a good 'reboot' number - but honestly, that's just a starting line. You're dealing with something you've cemented in your mind over the course of years - particularly years that are a very developing time of your life.

    Your first step is to immediately stop feeding your brain with 'fantasy material'. That goes beyond physically watching porn. That means cutting yourself off from any stimulus - adult forums, dating sites, chatrooms, erotic literature, etc. You need to let your brain know that its no longer going to be getting that.

    And boy will it kick up a fuss. Be prepared, stay accountable and know we're here to help. Stay true, Kriss.

    I wish you all the best.

    -H1
     
    vxlccm and kriss93 like this.
  17. Headspace

    Headspace Fapstronaut

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    I second what Cyrus wrote. I've also had a lot of gay thoughts without ever actually doing it with a man. I would often think about trying it because I was scared that I will lose the opportunity to try it once I am married to a woman. Last week was one of those dark moments again. But now I understood that it doesn't matter. I realized that all I really want is a stable relationship, and this is something which is more important than anything else and it is something I will only start with a person it feels entirely right with. If I at some point end up being in a situation where sex with a man I actually feel attracted to is an option I might do it if it entirely feels right. If I want a relationship with that guy I would go for that as well, although I am not expecting that. It doesn't matter.

    You are talking so much about your sexual fantasies. I really recommend that you put an end to PMO and give your brain and your genitals the opportunity to recover from that long-lasting abuse and give your real character the opportunity to sharpen and evolve. It will be hard, but you can do it over time. And when you choose a person to be with put your sexual thoughts aside. Ask your heart and ask your brain about that person, but do not ask what's between your legs. Sex doesn't have to be spectacular. You will always come across other attractive people, be it men or women, and you might fantasize about them a little, but you must not give these fantasies too much space, you must not let them control you. Just stay with that person you are with, and laugh about the tricks your mind is playing on you.
     
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  18. kriss93

    kriss93 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the good tips guys. I'm on day 12 today, and since yesterday afternoon my mood is quite better than before...because I think I'm starting to not obectify women, and starting to have FEELINGS about them like in my childhood... and today I imagine sometimes that I'm a MAN and take care of my beautiful woman, hug her, defend her, and it makes me VERY HAPPY :) (And I also add that my penis has moved a bit when I imagine to hug her...) These must be good signs, and since yesterday I can 50% better handle the HOCD thoughts... I think it must be a particular success, but i'm keep going on, and hope they 100% fade away with time. :)
     
  19. Nuflis

    Nuflis Fapstronaut

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    Kriss, you seem to be too afraid of being gay. Now, I don't think you are gay but sexual orientation is not a dichotomy or not even a trichotomy (hetero, bi, gay). It's a continuum. You could be 90% heterosexual, 10% homosexual. The thing is, if you are so afraid of being gay, but there are some gay desires in you, you are going to fixate on them because the mind doesn't forget something which has strong emotions attached, perhaps even more so when the emotions are those of disgust and rejection.

    My advice to you is that you should try to embrace and accept those desires and only when you feel neutral about them, their importance will decrease and they will ocuppy the place they truly are supposed to ocuppy, be that a 20%, 10% or 0% of your sexuality. Or 80%. In any case, it's not a good idea to try to run away from them.

    I consider myself "mostly" heterosexual. I used to watch gay or transwoman porn occasionally and I have even tried out some gay sex in real life. But precisely because I allow myself to do this, I have no doubt that I'm "mostly" heterosexual.
     
    Last edited: Aug 9, 2015
    theGECK likes this.
  20. kriss93

    kriss93 Fapstronaut

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    Ok. But what do you think about the following:

    I haven't got any thoughts about being in a relationship with a man, and have feelings EMOTIONALLY towards a man, but once (maybe 1-2 months ago) I've read somewhere that "...if you feel just SEXUALLY attracted to men, that means it's a HOCD, and if you feel also EMOTIONALLY attracted to men, that means your're gay." and after as I wrote this, I'm started to thinking about how I feel emotionally towards men... (and of course it's got worse and worse...) is it a typical HOCD sympton or not?
     

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