1. Welcome to NoFap! We have disabled new forum accounts from being registered for the time being. In the meantime, you can join our weekly accountability groups.
    Dismiss Notice

Journey to Freedom - A Guide to beating PMO, by Hero One

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Hero One, Jul 23, 2015.

  1. Hero One

    Hero One Fapstronaut

    222
    245
    43
    Journey to Freedom
    A Guide by Hero One


    Forward.

    One morning, just over a year ago, I decided I'd had enough of the same old rut. Waking up each morning, sticking my hand 'down there' to get a messy fix before I got out of bed; watching glassy eyed, pixelated people jiggle around on the screen. Then throughout the day, letting temptation and desire have free reign over what I did with my time. It'd all end with a quick session before bed time. This wasn't the life I wanted to lead. Enough was enough.

    There began my 'pursuing purity' 40 day challenge. The aim was to see if I could break the stronghold of addiction to masturbation and pornography from my life - to see if I could find a greater sense of self control and overcome the habit of, literally, a lifetime.

    I don't know where you're at with your addiction. Chances are, you're at a place similar to me, wanting to quit it completely. Perhaps you just know that the level of PMO in your life is higher than you want it to be. Or perhaps it's just pornography that's tearing your relationship apart? Maybe you just want to feel like you're in control of yourself. Wherever you're at, I want to give you some advice.

    The good news is; I did it. You can read my journey in the journal I kept along the way here. I can honestly say that I will never (intentionally) look at porn again, and neither will I masturbate for selfish gratification. Over the past year, I have become somebody I am proud to be - focusing on great and noble things and able to invest wholeheartedly into a loving relationship. So much so that last December, I proposed to my girlfriend and we're getting married in six weeks.

    The bad news for you, reader, is that it wasn't easy. Infact, it was one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do. But let's stick to the positives here; It was hard, but not impossible. If you're ready to give up PMO, then read on. This might help.


    1. Find Your 'One Thing'

    If there's one thing you need to know about giving up PMO, it's that wanting to give up PMO isn't enough. I want you to be under no illusion - you're in for a hellish ride. Your mind will absolutely ravage you. Your thoughts will dwell on things they've never dwelt on. You're going to whole heartedly believe in the middle of your abstention that it was a silly idea and question your decision to give it up in the first place.

    I'm not trying to dissuade you or be negative here; I know you can absolutely beat this, but anybody that has tried giving up PMO will tell you it's not a walk in the park. Not even by a long shot - it's an extremely hard process of resetting your thought patterns and ingrained habits. Feeling the withdrawal effects will take a lot out of you: From flatlining (more on that later), to mood changes, to hormonal imbalances. You might have already been through all of this on previous attempts and this might not be news to you, but either way; you've got to be prepared.

    Put bluntly, you cannot trust yourself to not persuade yourself to quit PMO. You need something more. Something beyond 'I feel like giving up on watching porn.' Something stronger than 'I just don't think it's a good idea'. Something that'll stand up to scrutiny and attack when the going gets tough.

    I call that motive the 'one thing.' That one sole reason that overrides everything else. Therealreason for you quitting. Your motive - the 'no other option' decision. Here's a few - see if any ring a bell.

    - My 'one thing' is to save my marriage.
    - My 'one thing' is to take control of myself.
    - My 'one thing' is to not feel so shameful.
    - My 'one thing' is to feel more confident, healthy and disciplined.
    - My 'one thing' is to experience more from my life.
    - My 'one thing' is to serve God better.

    Whatever your 'one thing' is, (and it might be something completely different to any of the above), I really encourage you to find it. Etch it onto your heart before you even think about giving up PMO. Then, when you're awake at 3am, thinking about nothing more than getting off to porn, you can cling onto that 'one thing', and even though everything is telling you to give up giving up, your one thing is there to hold onto.

    Fortunately, it gets easier to control the desire. The great thing is, though, your motivation will never change - your 'one thing' is something that always will be the reason for your decision. Whether you're combating the greatest of temptation, or just reminding yourself why you're abstaining, the answer will always be your 'one thing'

    So make sure you pick a good one. Something that isn't going to crumble in the wind or fall apart like toilet paper in the rain. It's got to be watertight - it has to stand up to relentless temptation and desire. It has to stay true even when you want it to be a lie.

    Make your one thing a good one!


    2. Your Escape Route

    I was only a few days into my challenge when the first real test of temptation came. I was in the kitchen, whipping up some dinner when it struck; that absolute, unshakable desire. You might know what that feels like - when the need to sneak off and 'relieve' yourself completely overtakes everything else. Where nothing else really seems to register, and the only thing that matters is getting that fix.

    That's the situation I was in as I was stood there in an empty house, stirring the bolognese.

    In this moment, there are really only two alternatives. The first is to do what you've always done - give into the temptation, get that quick hit and then feel rubbish afterwards. You might even mentally fight against it for a while: Try and keep busy, keep your mind on other things. But in the end the urge overcomes the will and it all goes south from there. Sound like a familiar situation?

    In that moment, you need another option - something to take you out of that situation. An 'escape route' if you will.

    Your escape route can be anything. For me, in that kitchen situation, I phoned a friend for a catch up. It wasn't a particularly long call, but that's not the point - in that moment, when everything was telling me to give in to my desire, calling up my friend for a chat completely removed me from that pattern of thought.

    From then on, I decided to have escape routes throughout my day. This isn't something new - a lot of people in the NoFap community often talk about things they do in the moment. Anything from going for a run, to taking a cold shower. But I want you to be purposeful about it and plan them out. Have your contingency plan in place for whenever temptation strikes; have an escape route in place for every situation throughout the day, so that no matter where you are, no matter what you're doing, you have something to fall back on. That way, you're not caught out, trying to combat it with willpower alone.

    In bed? At work? Alone at home? Bored? On the train? - it doesn't matter. You know as well as I do that when the urge strikes, it can strike anywhere at anytime. You've got to match it punch for punch with a committed plan of action.

    I wrote a list of mine and it's a good idea that you do the same. It might felt a bit silly at first, but bear with me. While you're reading this, your headspace is probably coping with your abstaining. But when that self-pleasure urge strikes, everything changes - your mind wanders into all sorts of strange places. Escape routes probably aren't the top of your agenda in that moment. Remind yourself with a list - even a short note on your phone to look at and remind yourself; this soon will pass.

    And it will. Just stepping out of the thought process for a few moments lets you settle down, re-evaluate your situation and overcome it. The key to overcoming your addiction is all about taking your thoughts captive. It's hard at first, especially when your own mind tells you to give in. But take heart - I promise you it definitely becomes easier, and then before long, it becomes second nature. You'll soon find that the feel-good feeling of not giving in will outweigh the short-lived hit of touching yourself ten-fold. You might even start to relish the challenge!

    Then you'll be flying!
     
    Last edited: Aug 3, 2015
  2. Hero One

    Hero One Fapstronaut

    222
    245
    43
    3. Nipping it in the Bud

    "I need to learn to not let my guard down even for a second. Temptation can get a foothold so easily. I've done well in getting into a routine of abstinence, but I don't want to become complacent. I know that the moment I start to think this is getting easy, that's the moment I'll fail." - My journal, Day 9.

    Cruising down the Pacific Highway, just north of Sydney, in the passenger seat, I was gazing lazily out of the window at a scorching Australian summer. I'd just touched down after a 30 hour flight, (or what I generously term as 'The Ordeal' each time I have to make the trip), from the UK.

    Back home, I'd left a freezing, snowy landscape, wrapped up warm against the January chill. Now, in the land of opposites, I was shedding layers like a snake, but still sweating buckets. I hadn't eaten recognisable food (what's with aeroplane food anyway?) for days, I was fighting jet lag, exhaustion and feeling generally rubbish. Long haul isn't fun.

    Sat beside me in the driver's seat, my good friend Ryan, who'd collected me from the airport, was keeping me awake and filling me on what I'd missed out on since last time I'd been in the country. Most of it went in one ear and straight out the other, lost in the fuzzy confusion of thinking it was the middle of the night, and wondering why the roads were so outrageously wide down under.

    But one thing he said fired my synapses like nothing else. Just a casual, "maybe we could swing by that Thai restaurant on Honeysuckle tonight and grab some take out."

    And like that, I was done for: My mind was filled with sticky rice and deliciously rich sauces. Thai curries and sticky sweet noodles. I didn't care about much else - I was going to be eating some delicious Thai food later on, and that's all I cared about at that moment. By the time evening came, that thought had become a ravenous desire; a real craving.

    It's a strange analogy, and making love isn't anything like eating Thai food (as amazing as this Thai restaurant is), but something similar happens when we anticipate getting off to porn. It might start out as a thought in the morning when you first wake up. It might hit you when you're making a cup of coffee at work, or catching the train home. Something you see, hear or read might trigger it. You might catch the eye of someone cute in the street, or Sandra from HR might lightly touch your arm when she drops of your paycheck. However the thought enters your brain, you're in a dangerous situation as soon as it does. From that moment on, your willpower is being infiltrated from the inside like an elite team of hackers working on your core.

    When we anticipate sex, our bodies get ready for some serious love making. Our synapses start firing - chemicals, including adrenaline, start flooding our system in anticipation for excitement. Our heart rates increase, our blood pressure rises and our breathing accelerates. In short, our bodies are consumed by the anticipation of arousal, and ultimately, getting that high of dopamine that drives us to do the things we do.

    It's this all-encompassing anticipation that makes resisting urges to masturbate so difficult. Not only does it feel pleasurable, but the brain is preparing your body to do it - it wants you to do it, and it's all very confusing when you don't give in. Infact, resisting actually heightens the anticipation.

    This is why it's so important to nip that initial desire in the bud. Shut it down; make a tactical pre-emptive strike before your body doesn't care to resist the takeover. Entertaining the desire, or telling yourself you'll 'watch a bit of porn but not masturbate', or trying to touch yourself without orgasm (known as 'edging') will ultimately result in you giving in. Your body is wired that way, and you will eventually lose, however strong your will to resist.

    It follows on from the previous chapter, but the reasoning is what I want you to understand. It's far too easy to fail simply by enjoying the thought of a relapse. Just because you aren't physically failing, doesn't mean that your body isn't working very hard to get you to give in. As soon as the temptation enters your head, you're on a countdown. Cut the wire.

    You have to take the thought captive as soon as it comes knocking. Then you have to send it packing, straight away. No inviting in for a little while. Get rid of it by thinking of something else, preoccupying yourself, taking a cold shower, or just thinking about anything unrelated. Just to give you an example, when temptation came knocking at work, I used to count the individual ceiling tiles in my office ( there's 277). Nip it in the bud.

    I've made that flight from the UK to Australia about ten times since, thanks to my (wonderful) Aussie fiancée, but one of the first things I do every time I'm back down under is swing by that Thai restaurant with my best mate (and soon to be best man) Ryan, and it always makes me smile.



    4. The Silent Killer

    There will come a point in your journey when you'll feel like you're over the worst your addiction has to throw at you. You might wake up without that overwhelming temptation. You might have a week where you've never felt so energetic: you're sleeping well; eating well; exercising well. Your confidence is at an all-time high. and you're throwing around phrases like "I've got this!" and shooting yourself with finger guns in the mirror. Feeling in control feels great.

    But the problem is, I have seen so many addicts go months without a relapse, only to fail, seemingly out of nowhere. Why, when someone seems to have beaten PMO, can it all go wrong?

    It comes down to one thing: Complacency. And it's a silent killer on your journey to freedom.

    I first learned about this concept from a man named Larry Hill, an author on a variety of books to do with occupational health. But what he discusses in his books can be applied to any area of your life - including that of beating your addiction. He says:

    "Complacency leads to mind not on task, or mind not on risk. When you know what you're doing, and you know what the risk is, but you're not thinking about it: That's everywhere."

    The moment you think there's not a risk of relapsing, that's when you're in a prime location to fail. Complacency almost always follows a victory, long after the initial success. The good news is, you have to have been doing something right to get into that position. The problem with this is when you stop pressing forward to achieve continued success, but instead sit back and feel content with where you're at. The issue here is that it's hard to spot, because everything feels fantastic.

    Complacency is so dangerous because it waits. It's fine when the going is good, but it fails to recognise sudden changes, or acknowledge potential pitfalls.

    So how do we combat this silent killer? How, when we feel on top of the world, do we acknowledge we're potentially one step away from falling off the ladder?

    1. Don't stop trying.
    Success generally comes from some form of risk or change in the way you do something. Your PMO journey began when you stopped looking at porn. You maybe then started implementing new ways to combat it throughout the day: Cold showers, more exercise, healthier eating, etc. But people who are complacent stop mixing it up: they do what's worked for them in the past. Keep bringing new innovations to your life, and keep taking on new challenges.

    2. Keep an eye out for your weaknesses.
    When we become complacent, we stop looking at our pitfalls. We become confident in our success and can feel untouchable. This can cause us to stop looking forward to navigate potential vulnerabilities. So proud of our past and current success, we can forget to look out for threats just ahead.

    3. ''Good' is the enemy of 'Great''
    Voltaire said this, and the author, James Collins, wrote a book 'Good to Great' based on the concept. Simply put - don't settle for the 'good' you're achieving, when there's a 'great' just around the corner. Here's a motivational quote for you:

    'Good is the enemy of great. And that is one of the key reasons why we have so little that becomes great. We don't have great schools, principally because we have good schools. We don't have great government, principally because we have good government. Few people attain great lives, in large part because it is just so easy to settle for a good life.' ('Good to Great', James C. Collins, 2001)


    So be aware that your journey is ongoing, however great you feel. Acknowledge that one of the most dangerous parts of your journey, is when you feel your journey is coming to an end. Don't let your guard down, and I know you can kill the silent killer and continue innovating your life.
     
    Last edited: Nov 25, 2015
  3. Hero One

    Hero One Fapstronaut

    222
    245
    43
    Part 5. The End Game

    I can still remember setting my original 40 day challenge. How I naively thought that a month-and-a-bit of abstinence would somehow reset a lifetime of habit and restore me to some 'out of the box' version of myself - like dismantling a cheap piece of flat packed furniture, and putting it back together again.

    I remember how when it got difficult, 40 days seemed like such a long time - how I never thought I'd be able to make it. When it felt like I was clinging on to willpower, battered by craving. I think you probably know what that feels like. How every day is a new Everest, and getting to the end of the day without giving in is a personal triumph, and one counter-tick closer to that goal.

    But perhaps most of all, I remember realising that 40 days was irrelevant.

    It happened towards the end of my challenge - when I dared to believe I was going to make it. That I could really make the changes I needed to keep going. When I cracked the puzzle, and decided that a 40 day challenge was a warm-up lap. You might have come to that conclusion yourself, or realised what I've been leading up to in this guide - The End Game is the rest of your life.

    I wrote this on the last day of the 40 day challenge in my Journal:

    "Well there it is. 40 days without PMO. A challenge I set out to tackle - I feel so accomplished, so strong an so determined. I am proud of the achievement.

    Yet, it doesn't feel like the end. This 40 day challenge was simply the prologue to a story that is the rest of my life. Today actually marks a place that is the baseline. The stronghold of porn and masturbation has been broken in my life - now the real challenge of keeping it broken begins.
    "

    I've learned a lot about what that means in the 18 months since then, but perhaps the greatest realisation, was that PMO is the end result of something considerably deeper. It is the manifestation of an attitude, an addiction and a lifestyle. Reader, to truly beat this, you need to know that the journey to freedom is along a road you don't come to the end of. When you put into place the blocks you need to overcome your addiction, there's no real option of turning back. You can't go back to exactly the same life you had before, sans PMO. To overcome this, you're making changes that will completely change the way you do things.

    Every day, I make the choice to devote myself to my wife. To avoid situations that could cause temptation. To be careful with my internet browsing. I keep looking for ways to better myself - to improve my diet, get more exercise, to learn new skills.

    And every day, I choose to be free of PMO.

    Now that's not to say it will always be as hard as it is for you today. It really does get easier, and significantly more natural. You can beat PMO - when the thought of porn is ridiculous, and thinking about your old life is embarrassing. But the choice is very real - PMO is not an On/Off switch.

    So, what can I leave you with? On this continuous Journey to Freedom, how can I best serve you with my own experience?

    I am often asked questions, or come across questions, and I am more than happy to answer and support people who have been where I have. Many people ask the same thing, or their questions share the same theme. The end of this section takes the form of an FAQ that I will continue to update - so feel free to ask a question that I haven't covered.

    All that leaves me to do is thank you for taking the time to read this guide. I truly hope you have benefited from it, and it has gone in some small way, to aiding you on your Journey to Freedom.

    Stay true, never give up, and remember you are stronger than you think you are.

    All the best,

    Hero One.


    Frequently Asked Questions:

    This section is currently being compiled, and will be continuously updated. Check back soon!
     
    Last edited: Nov 25, 2015
  4. Wow!
    Are you a writer?
     
    terminalparadox likes this.
  5. Hero One

    Hero One Fapstronaut

    222
    245
    43
    @Kurapika 2

    Depends what you mean. I have a degree in English and Creative Writing, and currently work as a journalist in a press and media team. If that makes me a writer, haha.

    Hope you enjoyed this guide.
     
    Last edited: Jul 23, 2015
  6. Temujin

    Temujin Guest

    Thank you this is really good. I shall incorporate these into my journey.
     
    Asgardian36 and Hero One like this.
  7. Hero One

    Hero One Fapstronaut

    222
    245
    43
    I'm glad you found the first couple of parts helpful. I'll be continuing this very soon.
     
  8. BlackVelvet

    BlackVelvet Fapstronaut

    295
    119
    43
    Thank you @Hero One

    This post is encouraging and inspirational! I most certainly agree with the escape route plan. Today, I got a urge to reset but I ended up spending some time with my brother and the urge subsided. Great post! Can't wait for the next parts!

    Au revoir,
    Ace
     
    terminalparadox and Hero One like this.
  9. seventyniner

    seventyniner Fapstronaut

    1,216
    1,118
    143
    You might want to compile this into a PDF or short ebook once you're done.
    Great stuff! Looking forward to reading the next parts.
     
  10. Hero One

    Hero One Fapstronaut

    222
    245
    43
    @Raising@©€'s♠

    Great to hear it helped! I've always found that just getting your mind out of the situation it's in helps so much with dealing with temptation.

    Just like removing an irrationally angry person from a brewing argument can prevent a fight, getting your head thinking about something else can prevent a relapse.


    @seventyniner

    That's a great idea. That will make it much easier to get this guide to people who want to read my advice.

    The next part will be up today. Glad you're enjoying this guide.
     
  11. Hero One

    Hero One Fapstronaut

    222
    245
    43
    The next part (3. Nipping it in the Bud) is now available on the second post on page 1.
     
    BlackVelvet likes this.
  12. BlackVelvet

    BlackVelvet Fapstronaut

    295
    119
    43
    Another great part @Hero One

    I wish I knew this before! I'll read it all in whole once part 4 is out so I can burn it into my mind. This is a really helpful post!
     
    Hero One likes this.
  13. Hero One

    Hero One Fapstronaut

    222
    245
    43
    @Raising@©€'s♠

    I'm glad you're finding it helpful! The next chapter is on the way soon!
     
  14. Hero One

    Hero One Fapstronaut

    222
    245
    43
    The next part - 4. The Silent Killer is now on the second post of this thread!

    Enjoy! Feel free to feedback your thoughts, comments and opinions.

    -H1
     
  15. eldish

    eldish Fapstronaut

    545
    118
    43
    Great post, I like the idea of having many escape routes. I currently have one and should probably think of some more.
     
    terminalparadox and Hero One like this.
  16. FreedomIsHere

    FreedomIsHere Fapstronaut

    306
    879
    93
    Very inspiring and motivating man! Looking forward to part 5! Congratulations on your success, keep it up!
     
    terminalparadox likes this.
  17. JoeinUSA

    JoeinUSA Fapstronaut

    Thanks, dude, for your story. I'm on my way to joining you in the free world.
     
    terminalparadox likes this.
  18. tito9

    tito9 New Fapstronaut

    4
    2
    3
    That is a great post, am a more practical person, and honestly the part "The Silent Killer", made me think about my progress, and maybe an interpretation of past failure on leaving PMO.
    However I think the post shows a real skill in writing, and also an awareness of scientific aspects which is rear mix in my opinion but great to have that mix as well, so congrats man
     
    terminalparadox likes this.
  19. Hero One

    Hero One Fapstronaut

    222
    245
    43
    Thanks! I appreciate your feedback, and I'm glad you've gotten something out of the guide.

    I'm intending to write the final part within the next few days after a being away for a few months.

    All the best for your continued journey!

    -H1
     
    tito9 likes this.
  20. Hero One

    Hero One Fapstronaut

    222
    245
    43
    The final part to this guide - 5. The End Game - is live! You'll find it on the third post of page 1 in this thread.

    Enjoy.
     
    Last edited: Nov 25, 2015

Share This Page