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Little Successes

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by nitsuj0786, May 19, 2016.

  1. nitsuj0786

    nitsuj0786 Fapstronaut

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    I have never really hit a big streak but I am one of the ones that has been doing this for 1.5 years. I have learned a lot about this addiction and myself. I started using two counters during the beginning, one for no pmo and one for no p. I started to realize something here recently. I could do for a while with no pmo but couldn't go for very long without p. I was thinking about it and also realized that with no p there would be no pmo. I have always had a problem with pmo not mo, I don't know if that will change the more and more as I push p out but if it does I will deal with it then. I would sometimes watch P for hours but rationalize that it is okay as long as I don't pmo. I have known for a long time that P and the release of dopamine is the main problem not the full pmo. There are problems with both but P is the big one. I cared more about my pmo counter than I did my p counter, I saw others had a long no pmo streak but there no p streak wouldn't be as long. So I thought, why can't I do that, others are. As long as my no pmo streak is intact it is ok. Soon I decided i'm just going to have one counter my no P counter. Slowly by slowly I have started to care a lot more about it and have been successfully cutting it out of my life. Whether it is 3 hours or 3 secs I will reset it and don't like to reset it. Since I have done that I have started to notice little things, my social awkwardness is starting to leave, I can focus more without having a problem, and you wouldn't believe how sex with the wife has been. I have been super hard and last for a while. I don't orgasm too fast and it hasn't been going down a little ways through. I can switch position and I stays as hard as a flag pole. For a while I was afraid of sex for a while, it either would get hard then goes soft or I would orgasm within a minute both of which is embarrassing. It was like that for years too and we haven't really had a sex life and my wife loves sex. These are just little things and I don't know how I am really supposed to be, I have always been this way because I never knew it was porn. Also, I have started to change my entire life, the way I eat, spend my free time, everything. I don't really watch tv or play video games, I want to really start living. Sorry for the long post but if you have read until the end thank you for reading. Comments or questions are welcomed. I have struggled for a long time but I finally can see the end of the tunnel, wasn't sure if i was going to be able to but now I know I can.
     
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  2. nofapnoworries

    nofapnoworries Fapstronaut

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    You are lucky you can get off do with your wife during sex. I for once have the opposite problem. Lasting too long due delayed ejaculation or death grip is very frustrating. After quiting pmo sex is becoming better for me as time passes. Keep it ip. Good luck and good job!
     
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  3. nitsuj0786

    nitsuj0786 Fapstronaut

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    I feel your pain, I had that for a long time too but then it switched over to not getting hard at all or becoming a minute man. Neither of which or fun. We had a fight one time, more of a heated discussion, over not having a sex life. She said a lot of times when we do it is over within minutes and she would like to not rush it so much. The problem with that is if i waited too long to cum or there was too much foreplay I would go soft and once that happened it would not come back. Just stay away from porn and it will come back. Don't try and force it either, good luck on your journey.
     
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  4. rave756

    rave756 Fapstronaut

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    Great story, thanks for sharing that. Congrats on the positive changes in your sex life. this gives some hope to us in relationships that are hoping to regain control. My wife's and I sex life has been oriented around me reaching O as quick as possible. Perhaps that is something that just became an unthinking habit. It would be awesome to be able to change positions and not lose my erection. Good luck on avoiding P!
     
  5. nitsuj0786

    nitsuj0786 Fapstronaut

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    I feel your pain, I really do. The thing that has brought me the biggest success is not watching porn and just not worried about getting and maintaining an erection. If you are like me, you most likely haven't told your wife. It would be easier to explain all of this if you had, I wish I had but that was a while ago that I should have. Talk to her about wanting to spend more time on her and foreplay. Just tell her you want to spend more time in the moment. Although you can have sex I bet it isn't as enjoyable as possible. I went through that for a while and it was a very small win if I reached O but I could tell my wife didn't always feel the love. She once told me it seemed like I was trying to get it over as soon as possible. I tried those things and it really helped. I didn't worry about getting an erection or not. That helped me, and before that it was maybe once a week. Although recently I have been running around grabbing her like a horny teenager. Did you have PIED before and did your wife know about it?
     
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  6. rave756

    rave756 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for repying @nitsuj0786. Great suggestions, i could talk to my wife more about foreplay. i've been trying to be more alpha and telling her that i just wanted to do her would probably turn her on.

    Suppose i had some minor PIED issues years ago, where i would go soft if we took to long in foreplay, or if i didn't finish quickly in a certain position. I wasn't doing as much PMO then. Most of the time she would switch the position a bit to help me get restarted, or in the worst times, she would give up and get up and tell me to MO myself to finish. How did your wife handle it when you lost your erection during? what did you say or do to keep her engaged?
     
  7. nitsuj0786

    nitsuj0786 Fapstronaut

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    I will sit down and talk to her about wanting to focus more of being in the moment. Say you have been so focused on not losing your erection, which can have an effect in itself, that you haven't been focusing enough on her and the love. Tell her that if I don't get an erection it is no big deal and you have to think about it that way. It will help ease your mind too, it did mind. But it is an actual sit down or pillow talk that you would need to have. Being alpha doesn't mean the TV or movie definition of it, being the top and no emotions bull that they show. Sharing feelings your your wife gives you a deep connection and then it will kind of ease your mind on your erection. Please message me back or pm me. I was in the exact same thing that you are in now and I believe I can help you. Just last night we had sex and after she had O'd a few times she looked at me and said oh my god your still hard. She really enjoyed it. But around a few months ago that was not the case, it was either I couldn't get it up or I tried to O as quickly as possible.
     
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  8. rave756

    rave756 Fapstronaut

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    Wow, thank you so much for sharing that advice. I will have to build up some stones to take that approach. My wife will think I am an alien impostor if i focus only on her and/or tell her i don't need my O this time. The erection has only been a problem a few times. Other than us both being in the habit that if I don't O quickly (e.g. <30 sec.) than it will take 'forever' and get awkward, and sweaty, frustrating, etc.

    You are really lucky to have that experience you had with your wife. It sounds like she was understanding of you.
    My wife has only O'd through foreplay, some of the time, for years. Been so long since she's had more than one.
    How did you build up to that point? As your'e kicking P, did you continue sex until it got better?
     
  9. TheWannabe

    TheWannabe Fapstronaut

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    Everyone here and their coddamn sex partners or their coddamn girlfriends or their coddamn wives while I'm coddamn 19 and never have so much as coddamn kissed a coddamn girl...

    ...What? No, no, I didn't snap that compass in half. I'm happy for you all.
     
  10. nitsuj0786

    nitsuj0786 Fapstronaut

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    As I went through and stayed away from P it got better and better. You will also share a deeper connection when having sex or being intimate which makes it better. There are certain things dopamine does for your relationships through life and we stop that when P hijacks most of the dopamine. Have you ever had sex with your wife and then right after you feel a disconnect with her. May not last long and it is hard to explain. @TheWannabe Don't fret about never having that yet. You age tells me that you grew up with high speed internet and the fact that you are posting probably means you are addicted the same as we are. Everything That hasn't happened to you yet will come natural in the future. I grew up on dial up then had high speed by high school so some of those pathways were already there through physical interactions with women and not porn. So it does seem to wear off of the older generation faster. Just keep on the path, try to better yourself, and everything will turn out fine.
     
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  11. rave756

    rave756 Fapstronaut

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    That makes sense. I've been rereading this and your first post in this thread and seeing your point of view that avoiding P is the crucial step. It seems many, i'm one of them, focus on MO part of PMO first. Is it possible to push P completely out of your mind and think only of attraction to your wife (even if she couldn't match up to the women you see in P)? I used to view P or P-subs right up until the minute before going to bed with wife for S., attempting to stamp a mental image in my head.
     
  12. nitsuj0786

    nitsuj0786 Fapstronaut

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    Yes, P is the big one. It is all about dopamine release. This might be a long post so hang with me. I have been thinking about this for a while, or how to describe the release of it. The 0 does release more dopamine at once but the porn and masturbation part is the main problem. Kind of like the 0 would be you running two miles at once. Watching porn is kind of like you running one mile but doing that mile several times a day. So maybe not as much in the 10 seconds that you 0 but however long you were watching gave you constant hits. The dopamine is what turns you on but you don't have a unlimited amount. I will find an article that describes this later and post it, gary wilson discusses why edging is harmful. Dopamine has a lot of functions in the brain, memory short and long term, motivation, mood, focus, and a lot more. During full pmo, back when I didn't know I had bad memory, sex drive, penis arousal, low motivation, general ADD which effected work and home, all of this added up really hurt me financially not making what I should, and parts of my marriage. When you watch porn you release dopamine and each new scene, woman, sex act releases more and more. Your wife can't cause you to release that much dopamine, no one woman can. You release dopamine during sex and that helps you maintain your erection, but when you are used to porn you will eventually need more dopamine than she can give you and that is what causes PIED. If you don't have it yet but are still using porn pretty frequent you will eventually get PIED. I have read a few books, countless youtube videos, and several articles on the subject of pmo and the effects, along with addiction effects. Unfortunately I relapsed lately so it feels like my brain isn't recalling or working as fast today. If you haven't watched Gary Wilson's The Great Porn experiment on youtube, you need to. Hey, you can personal message me for any random questions you have, I am pretty open.
     

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