Hello everyone - day 6

CaptainFaptastic · Oct 28, 2014

Hello Fapstronauts,

I'm a 20year old guy from Germany and I stopped masturbating 6 days ago.

I'm masturbating till i am 13 years old and I've done it atleast 5times a week, sometimes multiple times a day.
At some point in my youth, I was afraid to leave the house. I've spended all the time inside in front of a computer playing videogames or fapped. As I was 13 and things started getting complicated at my family (divorce, alcohol abuse by parents) I discovered the Internet as tool to escape my problems and those feelings that hurt. I've seperated from my friends and the time my boddy changed, I didn't discover it by making out wth girls but masturbation with porn. It started with the Febuary 2007 edition of german Playboy, and half a year later I found myself masturbating to girls on their knees surrounded by 3 guys getting their face jizzed. I needed more explicit content to even get horny and the worst part about that is that the boys in my class did the same so I didn't thaught about my behavior as not normal.

2 years ago, as I was 18 and moved out my families house, I kissed a girl for the very first time and it didn't take 15more mins as we were naked in a bed.
We were touching, kissing, but all the time I acted extremly passively. It was like I got no idea wtf to do with a girl and what I want to do her. We ended never seeing again after that because i was confused that I couldn't let myself ago at a woman althaugh I love pussies.

From that point I started making out more with girls, but always in a very superficial way. I looked at girls like a object of my desire and wasn't free to maintain meaningful relations.

I had alot thaughts about my sexual needs last weeks and as I noticed that porn doesn't match them. I decided to watch less porn, but that made it worse. I've been thinking bout porn all the time and as I told myself not today, tomorrow.. it became a daily issue.

It took me 7 years to come to that point to say that i'm addicted to porn and have no control over my sexual drive.

I decided to cut off porn for ever ever in order to live with my drive but not being slaved to it. I want to have real sex and buy condoms not watching pixels and buy Cleanex-packs in familysize.

So I haven't masturbated or watched explicit content for 6 days now and I was surprised how HARD those 6 days have been.
I feel more focused and motivated to do things on one hand but on the other there's still that wish to just get rid of the inner pressure. My dreams are more about girls and I as I walk on the street I see boobies evrywhere.

but I gonna stay strong as I feel that staying away from it makes me feel good and my mind becomes healthier.

-CaptainFaptastic

Dogwood · Oct 29, 2014

Your story is very common. I'm sorry to hear about your family. Stress can certainly drive a desire to "self-medicate" with stimulating distractions. Have you watched the vids at www.yourbrainonporn.com? A lot of young men are finding they're conditioned to screens, not real girls. This can be changed, but it takes re-training your brain. Watch the adolescent video there, as it's relevant to all ages.

CaptainFaptastic · Oct 31, 2014

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EDIT:

Dogwood said: ↑

I'm sorry to hear about your family.
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Well, in fact, that has been in the past. I'm really good with my brothers and my mother right now and the most important ones in my life.
Afterwards it makes me feel like not having a strong social network made me have that habbit in a very escalated way, so I mentioned that in the beginning.
Thank you for sharing the link. It's a really interessting site.
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I'm at day 9 and it becomes easier to keep self control. That's thanked to this great community, I don't post alot but spend time reading the forums and the advices you give, thank you for that.

I want to share with you a post that kept me away from masturbating today, I really feel him:

I feel like something is changing in a good way. I mean I am approaching a different kind of level or something.
I was completely fucked up, both mentally and physically. But not exactly, it's hard to explain. I could be as well considered totally fine, but I wasn't. It's like as long as you're squeezed by that disease you just don't realize. It is all one damn thing, one ball of shit connected together: ego, vanity, sense of guilt, frustration, self-dislike, escaping the truth, escaping myself and not surprisingly escaping sexuality, fear of this and fear of that, feeling ashamed…
I am finally coming to be able to forgive myself, to accept myself, to deal with what I really am… Yeah, I know, it's an absolute cliche, we hear it every now and then, I thought I knew very well what it meant and I thought I had already forgiven but not… The real emerging is different.
I don't want to sound scary or discouraging but now I see it's simply kind of impossible to really forgive, accept and all that stuff while the demon keeps dwelling too close, I mean like throughout the first few weeks. The psychological part just needs some time for the things to subside somehow, the demon needs to get a bit weaker and step back a bit to give way to your true self to get a bit of fresh air and attain some distance. The chemistry of your brain and body needs some time as well so as the grip of all that shit can loosen up.
Everyone reports on the fog lifting but the thing is that you even can't see any fog as long as you're immersed into it. You can only notice it once you start emerging. That's the main problem! You can easily consider yourself to be alright, you take care of your job, of working out, your food, going through your little achievements or little failures and you think that's just the way it is, that's life you're used to living. You don't even expect anything else or special.
But, buddy, trust me, try going some considerable amount of time without indulging in your favorite fetish or whatever you want to name it, and only then you will see how fucked up you've been, maybe even for all your life.
Don't get me wrong. I know it doesn't sound very nice but my message is that the harm porn does is much more severe than you might see at the beginning of your journey. We're fucked up, man. It's not just a funny thing. I mean the time when you can laugh at yourself and afford to look at it all from a distant point will come and it's definitelly right approach to not regret, not make the tragedy out of it, but once again: the degree of harm can't get into your sight until you ascend a certain height of the hill.
Damn! We were supposed to be men! To conquer the world, pursue adventures, beat the enemy, overcome the hurdles, follow our instincts and assert our will! Not to be ashamed of anything, to express what's in our heart, to go for what we do love, to give and to take. It's not even about any intellectual or spiritual stuff, about attaching to one woman or about turning into some kind of blind and naive monk who adores women and no longer "objectifies" them.
Jeez! Do whatever you fucking want! Learn, grow, discover. Fuck all the rules! Now we tend to be the nice guys as we have found our weaknesses and flaws? OK, fight them, change them but don't create any other rules out of fear or insecurity.
Get out of that trap. Look at women - they are not the saints either! It's not about jumping to worshiping women wistfully. It's about healing my own disease and seeing clearly.
If you find a girl who is worth it then give her your love. But become who you really are first! Otherwise you may be still caught in the same trap not even suspecting that.
Hey, fellas, what kind of piece of shit we have become! Like shaking with delightment only for some girl giving us a smile… Please, please, don't get me wrong! I appreciate that as well, of course. But it's high time to raise our head up.
Don't watch porn, let your brain heal, keep it up for a while and behold yourself - you're a MAN!
BE PROUD!
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Have a nice day everyone. Go out and do awesome stuff. BE awesome. Your urge will have it's pleasure just in the right time. And best thing is that you will share it with somebody special.

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Hello everyone - day 6

CaptainFaptastic Fapstronaut

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