Healed

Guys. I haven't posted anything. I have been a silent observer in panic mode since May of this year. I am 34 years old. I started lookin at dirty pictures at a young age, but I never really delved into internet P until I was married and miserable. That was ten years ago. A year ago, I began to consider that maybe the P usage was causing me difficulty in meeting a gal. I was lonely for a long time and frusterated with my failed attempts. I decided to quit PMO and went hardmode for 6 months with no knowledge of this community, or the real dangers of porn. During that time I fell madly in love with a girl but I guess I liked her too much and it drove her away. I gave up on my dreams and relapsed back into P. During that time I bumped into a girl I had met three years before but who I had not seen in about a year and a half. Looking back, she was always flirting with me and trying to get my attention but probably because of my P usage I was unable to handle the situation. We were so happy to see each other the feeling was legit, but she had a baby all of a sudden and was in a bad situation. She gave me her number and I was helpless but to text her. Within two weeks she was at my apartment and we were in my bed and I was disturbed by how difficult it was for my to maintain my erection. I somehow suffered through it and was able to muster up enoough of a boner to make something that resembled sex out of the situation. I chalked it up to me not being the type of guy that was into married women. She immediately left her husband and began to pursue me, but the next time we went to do it, I felt dead! I didnt want to! I had a beatiful woman in my bed desepratley trying to arouse me and I felt nothing. Suddenly I was full of horror and I began to try to think of something I could do to get an erection. If only I could put on some porn, then maybe.. and my heart sank. I knew I had damaged myself.
All I have to do to know I will never watch porn again is to think of that moment.
I instantly cut porn out of my life, but I had no idea how real the withdrawal would be. The flatline cost me my job, and almost my life. I thought it was permanent. Anyway I figured out what was going on with me a nd I told this chick what was up. She was very understanding and started leaving me articles of clothing so I could smell it while she was away. I think that helped some. Her marriage was loveless and full of lies and manipulation. I realize it wasn't the best situation to find someone, but what was I supposed to do! I needed the healing so bad and she gave it to me! and I am so greatful for it I don't even give a shit what anyone has to say, and honestly, I was in the same situation that she is leaving when my ex wife left me those ten years ago. It's a strange coinky dink to say the least.

So for me guys, I quit P hardmore for 6months, relapsed for 3, experienced PIED, and am now healed after about 82 days with some serious rewiring help from a woman.
And guys, this isn't a thread I made after my first successful sex attempt. It's been about two weeks now that I can get wood at the sound of her voice, that I can take my time without fear of losing my erection.
THE BOTTOM LINE IS GUYS, DONT GIVE UP. PIED ISN"T FOREVER. YOU CAN RECLAIM YOUR LIFE YOU CAN BE THE MAN YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE!! PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

 

Guys, I just remember so bad when I was in my deepest flatline how I was desperately reading success stories looking for hope. Anyway I would say that my healing was not 100% nor is it today, because everytime my confidence is restored more. I still feel some anxiety that it won't work when I know she is coming over, but every time it just does now. She is coming over tonight and I can't help but feel that nagging feeling that it wont work, but I know it will. I had a dream last night that I found my ipad that I used for P and when I picked it up, it was warm and the battery was fully charged. Odd I thought considering how long it has been sitting unused. I sat it back down where I found it and proceeded to make love to my girlfriend. *real dream not made up* I had another dream also where my new girlfriend was driving the car along a high ledge. She turned the lights off and it was dark and a windy path. I was like oh shit where is she taking us. Suddenly along the edge of the thin and windy road we were on I saw the most crystal blue water. She kept driving until we arrived to a hidden city.

When I went that six months hardmode I had two nocturnal emmssions in one night right before my relapse. I think the chaser effect could have contributed. Anyway these are the thoughts I have had since I last reposted. Now to the questions you asked.

Did I use her sexually? That was my intention at first, but after things turned out the way they did, I let myself love her. I know doing that is dangerous, but if she breaks my heart it was worth the cost. When I was flatlining, I was so disinterested in sex, and I knew she needed it. When I let myself go there, I think it made things heal faster. She also left clothes for my to smell! Weird I know, but it made me feel euphoric to draw in deep breaths of it, and I had an instinct that it would help me rewire.

So when did I know my ED was over, like I said, I still have anxiety about it, but every time she wants it she gets it now. Every time we have done it since then, I have had those erections of yore. Strong ones and I can take my time to put it where it needs to go. I also still feel small disconnections mentally that I know are like small nicotine fits when in the midst but it is less and less every time. I see her and I want to do her. Even if I am still not back to 100% I know now for certain beyond a doubt, that I am through the storm, and able to enjoy sex with her. I am a very healthy guy who runs 20+ miles a week. I eat right, and I train like hell. My erections are as hard as they ever were. When I say I am not at 100% I mean that there are small hiccups for me mentally when we are in the middle of it and i recognize it for when I had ED, but I can sense that it is so weak now I laugh at it.

 

Ok so strange story, I replied to this thread yesterday before my girlfriend came over and I expressed I had some anxiety. Well, Yesterday was the first time I have experienced ED again in three weeks! CRAP!! Anyway I guess I am having another flatline? Although it doesnt feel as deep as the ones before. I still want to be near her, and I still want to make love even though when I flatlined before I didnt want to do ANYTHING. SO I know its not as bad as it was. Anyway So I failed last night, failed again this morning! then she said she had to take a shower before she went to work, Suddenly I decided to try again and it worked like nothing was wrong at all.

SO, maybe I am not completely healed. I said that before, but I was able to have great sex this afternoon with my gf despite the issue last night and this morning. I guess the healing comes in waves, can anyone else speak to this?

 

Just an update, no more episodes, only going strong, feeling great. Cant wait for my girl to come spend the night again. She came over Friday night and we had great sex, and then last night she came over again, we weren't able to because my son was over visiting, but just knowing that I could have was satisfying enough.

 

Had an episode of ED again last night, however it was overcome and the sex magic happened, been feeling like my libido is seesawing today from flatline to raging boner and flatline and boner again. I feel like I take two steps forward and one step back. I am wondering from those who have healed from PIED, if they ever have episodes of ED to this day?

 

going strong again, great experience last night.

 

I doubt I will post here again. No more issues, good luck guys.