Half a Year!!!!!

Fellow Fapstronauts:
I am happy to report that I've reached my Day 180th in my reboot (ok, technically IS NOT half a year until Tuesday, but today I have more time to write and my counter was set to 180,
What can I tell you?
I CANNOT BELIEVE IT!!!
In one hand, this has been a painful, some times long process of cleaning my mind and body, and changing so many negative things in my life. Some days I felt lost and desperate, and so many of you have helped me to keep fighting.
On the other hand, it looks now like I started this journey yesterday, half a year is a lot of time and I cannot believe so many months went by (Does this sound too contradictory?!?).
Anyway, this is where I am now: this past month I went thorough a path of "re-discovery and introspection".
I started practicing Tai Chi three weeks ago, and this had ben a great fulfilling discipline and very useful tool for my reboot. It gives me a lot of peace of mind, and perhaps this is the reason I had a strange feeling: is like the "new Fercho" gets out from the body of the old one, and can see now with clarity everything that the old dude did.
How much I screwed up my life, I cannot believe it now.
I see myself entering to sordid and dirty 2-hours motels with dozens of escorts, being humiliated by them, allowing myself to get so low as a person, with such a low self-esteem.
I accepted being the slave serving them, idolizing them as Gods, getting down to my heels and worshipping them.
I took so many risks, meeting in those places (or going to their apartments), without knowing if I could not get robbed or raped.
I see how after these encounters, I got back to my house, washed my body rubbing strongly (because I was feeling dirty) and got back to my "normal life": laying in bed next to my wife, watching TV, faking that nothing happened. Some times she was talking and I was not listening anything, just thinking about what i just did.
I can see myself fapping in the office, with people in the rooms next to me, fapping in my bed, with my wife sleeping next to me.
Every day i remember one more escort I slept with, or a one stand sex session with some gut I met online. It is as my brain has been trying to hide so many of them, I was so ashamed that I was trying to forget.
My mind is much more clear now and I can start remembering more details about how this addiction started. My trip to my hometown last month helped me a lot in that direction too.
I feel SO guilty about hurting my wife's feeling, neglecting her, not paying her the attention she deserved.
I realized that it was not ok to become an addict and hurt my life, but it is much worst to damage other people's life due to our addiction.
Things are much better with my wife after a strong and painful discussion we had 2 weeks ago. She feels hurt and betrayed. She is afraid that this is not the end, that i will come back with some new addiction or problem in 6 months and ask her for support once again. I understand her. The rest of my life I will need to work extra to re-gain her confidence and to make her happy.
So, these is a day of mixed feelings:
I feel happy and proud, because I got to 180 days clean, which i would have never dreamt I would have.
I feel guilty and with shame for everything wrong I did, how I fucked up my life and threaten to lose everything I built with so much sacrifice.
But today is a day of joy and celebration. We are going with my wife and sons to the beach and to get foot massage altogether. My boys do not know that we are celebrating something special, we told them we are "celebrating life".
This will be my half a year motto:"celebrating the first half of my new life"
Thank you to all of you for your amazing help and support
Let's keep fighting
Fercho

 

Thank you so much @britaxe . You are right, life looks much better withou PMO
Fercho

 

Thank you @taqwa
It feels as a big responsibility to be a "flag bearer", but on the other hand, it makes me feel more accountable in front of all of you, another good reason not to relapse ever again

 

You are right @feo1966 , there is no point to feel guilty, when I am trying to "clean the dishes" and start a new life. But you know, feelings just arise and some times we need to fight against them. Anyway, it is some how useful to feel how much I screwed up, this is one of my main ways to prevent me to get back to this shit.
BTW, do you speak Spanish? We have a dedicated group for Spanish speakers.
Fercho

 

Thank you @Mighty Wolf
I love that image, very inspiring!
Fercho

 

Yes @PotentLife ...it seems that men are creatures full of contradictions
We live in peace with a great family, caring wife, etc, but our mind is constantly trying to cheat, right?
We are really pricks :-$
Thank you for reading my post
Fercho

 

Got it @feo1966 , I just asked because of your nickname. "Feo" means "not nice" in Spanish

 

Sorry, I did not mean that. :-$