11 Years of addiction, Symptoms & Progress (Long post)

I was 17, when i got Internet it just became an addiction, before was once a day at most, i even didn't do that for weeks sometimes, then with the Internet it became 3 times everyday, at 23 when i was living alone it became 6 times a day, i'm 28 and that's what's been happening since then, average of 6 a day most was 11. Basically this is a refuge because i couldn't get a girlfriend, so i isolated myself at home and porn and junk food was my refuge.

Things that happened and coincide when i became addicted at 17 (i won't mention the same thing twice unless it got better/worse but basically it means it's there unless stated otherwise):

- 3 Times a day on average
- Depression
- Anxiety
- No motivation at all
- Hair started to weaken
- Started with Psychology and Psychiatry
- Various Psychiatric Medications til i stopped at 23 and that never did anything
- Lack Eye contact started to happen

at 23-24:

- Living alone
- 6 times a day on average
- Weak erections
- Lumpy/Watery semen
- Felt weak, lack of concentration and no focus at all
- Decided to stop being fat and do something
- Stopped Medication
- Lost 10kg cause i stopped eating a lot of stuff, rarely breakfast and diner
- Went to the Gym for the first time (never been on a Gym more than 1 month a half at one time)
- From 76kg to 66kg
- Women started to look a LOT at me, i got whistles, long stares and i heard really nice things
- Was very afraid of what was happening and was very scared based on getting rejected by pretty much all girls in the past that i liked
- Felt a LOT better, wasn't masturbating that much anymore (was still doing it, just less frequently), i felt healthier and had energy, went from max 8m running to 30m
- Lost an extra 10kg again due to not eating at all, no sugars, no fats of any kind
- I'd get out of home because women would look at me and that was very motivating, eye contact started to happen and was easier to maintain
- No Depression or anxiety at all (still happened a few times, especially when i isolated at home)
- Hair went from extremely thick (it used to grow 5cm a month) to wavy-curly and was weak, i did some crazy diet including only eating lunch but was still masturbating 3-6 times a day
- Stopped going to the Gym and back to same crap

at 25:

- 6 times a day on average
- Wouldn't eat at all, breakfast was like once a month, when it was, no fruits or soup
- Started to eat a ton of sugars, could eat 300g of chocolate in one day
- Can't get hard at all anymore
- Extreme lack of motivation
- Anxiety was lasting longer
- Hair looked like crap, it didn't just became bad on top it became bad all over my head and was growing VERY slowly
- Skin looked pretty bad, it looked a mix of yellow and pale
- Fluid retention, especially on my face and legs
- Random Dizziness (thought was Diabetes, after blood test Doctor told me was just stress, felt very relieved)
- Back to Gym again (didn't get fat but gained around 10kg and looked like crap), took this workout and nutrition plan seriously
- Body fat upper body was 24% and lower body was 16%
- Lost 3% body fat in one month
- Hair stopped falling
- Skin was getting better
- Women started to look at me again
- Felt like i was starting to have more energy
- Stopped masturbating for a week (because i didn't feel like i needed to do it anymore and i would have a chance with a girl i liked), gave up not masturbating on day 9 and also quit gym at 1 month and a half (when i started masturbating again after one week i lost motivation to go do the Gym)

at late 25-27:

- 6 times a day on average
- 300g-500g+ guaranteed of junk food (90% was sugars again, chocolate, chocolate cookies, vanilla cream cookies, pizzas) everyday, sometimes i'd just eat four kit-kat with some bread and that was my lunch
- Gained 30kg, from 56kg to 86kg
- This has been pretty much my eating habits for the past 2 years
- Extreme brain fog, no more dizziness
- Extreme lack of energy
- Extremely depressed
- No eye contact with anyone, i look at first interaction and it's highly likely i won't look again
- Started to think about life
- Masturbation was lowering due to lack of motivation for anything
- Video Games didn't work anymore to distract
- Lost Interest in Movies, would watch bits of a movie and/or skip parts
- Started to cry every day for almost two weeks
- Went to a Psychiatrist to ask to go to a Psychiatric Hospital cause i couldn't take it anymore and wanted to suicide
- Went to Hospital for diagnosis they told me i wouldn't be there for too long based on their diagnosis
- Was there two weeks
- Didn't masturbate for two weeks that i was there
- Had weird symptoms, dunno if medication or from masturbation withdrawal
- Legs (this stopped in the 2nd week) and Jaw Pain were the symptoms
- Came home, first thing i did, guess what
- Back to 6 times a day
- Weird Jaw feeling disappeared in less than a week
- Took medication for two weeks and stopped again
- Didn't notice any withdrawals

now at 28:

- 8 months later i've decided to check the side effects of too much masturbation
- Been thinking about all these years
- Most Symptoms match
- Swollen face
- Swollen arms and hands
- Swollen Legs and Feet
- No matter how much water i drink doesn't seem to help at all, guess i need to exercise
- Hair grew 5cm since March when i shaved my head (yes 5cm in 8 months when it used to be 5cm a month), and yes that's all over my head, back, sides, top all have same size, thickness affected all my head as well, hairline receded over time including: forehead, above sideburns, back of head near the neck, body hair became weak as well, doesn't grow that fast or thick anymore, eyelashes became weak as well, not thick anymore
- I look like a zombie
- No interest in anything in life
- No goals anymore
- Stopped masturbating for a week two weeks ago and stopped eating sugars and started to cook healthy stuff, making natural juices, eating fruit, nuts and the most common basic things like eggs, meat, etc
- Became very anxious after a week without masturbating
- Went back to PMO, high Anxiety was gone
- I Look at my life, need to stop this

Now i'm finally sure of it, i've noticed over time feeling weaker and weaker, brain fog and i absolutely can't concentrate or feel motivated with anything, has gotten worse, so much worse with time.

I've stopped PMO 2 days ago again, i still feel weak despite eating normally again, anxiety seems to come and go, it's too soon to see results anyway so i need to be patient.

My main issue is that i don't have moral support from anyone or anyone close to talk with, and i'm unemployed for quite some time and i don't want to go to a gym in this state.

Any kind of advice or words on the matter would be greatly appreciated, thank you!

 

What you said here is correct, it all ends in loneliness, all symptoms and bad feelings i have are rooted to loneliness.

Well, it became a constant thing, like i've mentioned video games don't help me distract anymore at all, and when they did they just made me stay home even more and further allow me to eat that much sugar, movies don't work at all anymore either, no patience, same for tv shows, music i lost patience for it the past 2 months as well, i might listen to a few songs but i don't enjoy them that much anymore, no matter the style they are.

I didn't mention my sleep, i used to be able to stay woke up to 3/4am, i can't do it anymore because i feel weak, i need to go to bed at most at 11pm, in my sleeping i always wake up a few times, this didn't happen that much (still happened) when i was 23, when i was 22 and was still living with my mom i'd barely woke up at night) and went to the gym, in only happened when i had pain from the workout on my muscles.

Other things that got worse was that i can't focus anymore, when i type on keyboard either i write letters in the wrong position or write the words wrong and sometimes write the same thing twice, wrong positioning of letters became frequent, such as "mroe" instead of "more" is an example i wasn't like this 3 years ago, this by itself further frustrates me making me feel more anxious lol.

The way i speak was also affected, i do pauses when i speak, not as in that i can't speak, it's my anxiety and sometimes takes a few seconds to find the correct words.

I have a lot of stuff to work on, in the state i came to and to stop PMO, ignore emotions and feelings that are there, and the ones that possibly might come with the stop of PMO will be very hard, i thought about going back to the Gym but i can't even look at myself in the mirror anymore, i hate what i've become, then there's the part i quit the gym a lot of times for the same reason, lack of motivation due to loneliness.

It's not that i don't understand what i need to do, is that there's so much to deal with i don't know where to start and how to even deal with all of this, that's why i asked to go to the Psychiatric Hospital because i was crying daily, a lot, and wanted to kill myself, they couldn't find anything wrong at all, they even said i look much older than i am in the diagnosis, which i know, they also wrote that during the two weeks i barely did eye contact, being distant from other people, as in not starting conversations or being able to maintain long conversations, always sad, all of this with medication (i took around 6 dif medications while i was there), without is exactly the same lol, if i didn't say i wanted to kill myself i wouldn't even be there a half a week by the looks of it.

I'll try to do that, seems like it's indeed the only thing i can do since medication doesn't help, unless i want to sleep all day.

One interesting thing is that i PMO that much for so long, yet when i go out i don't even look at women at all, and when i do i don't have any feelings of wanting to have sex, or even think about PMO, which is weird, and no i don't like men in any way shape or form, i suppose i just lost all hope and use PMO as a scapegoat.

As for the videos, i've watched a few in the past month, but basically he always goes to the same logic of "move on and stop caring about what makes you feel that way", the idea is great, but when it comes to someone you like this is catastrophic and further shoots you into the abyss, the only thing that helped me in forgetting someone i like, such as a girl, is to move away from them and interact with other girls, the problem is that when doing so i'll go with the idea of being rejected again and so i won't even bother, making me quit what i was doing no matter how important it would be more my life, so i go back into my home to PMO and sugars.

Right now i'll focus on keeping PMO away and i'll try to ignore anxiety and other unpleasant feelings, but i need to start doing something or i'll go crazy lol.

The only things i can think of if i'm not able to keep it for long enough is to play video games again, except i don't want to because they don't work at all anymore and that would mean staying in front of my PC further increasing the chances of PMO again as well as going back to sugar, or take medication to sleep all day, or ask to go to the Hospital again and tell them about PMO, the problem is that society is still way too "green" about PMO and some people think it might be an excuse to something else.

Thank you very much!

I know that i just don't have hope anymore or motivation.

Yeah the one step at a time is what i need to understand, it's been so long on this i just want it to stop, so i became very inpatient.

Yes, i'm very dedicated and disciplined when doing something i like, but if something triggers past events it all goes down the drain and i go back to the same.

PMO is a scapegoat, it does have serious side effects especially considering how long i've been on this, it i keep doing the same considering how i feel right now, i won't know who i am in a few years, my brain is very tired, not able to focus, extreme lack of motivation, extreme fatigue, no energy at all.

Thank you, i want to believe that, but to be able to go back to the "other side" i need to stop PMO and work on myself.

Meditation is part of one of the activities i did at the Hospital, it didn't work at all, maybe i needed to do it for more days (did only once) to see the result.

The issue is that i don't have a life goal anymore, thinking about who i would like to be doesn't give me the slightest motivation, because honestly that never bothered me, but getting a girlfriend, getting rejected over and over and feeling alone that is why i'm in this state, it bothers me so much i can't describe it, i was studying programming when i was 19, then i started to like a girl, after 1 month and a half i gave up the study and quit, i never told her anything, i just assumed that since i was very fat she wouldn't like me and quit, because if i didn't quit like this i'd quit from getting rejected, on the same year my grandma which was the only person that used to be with me (my mom was work and would spend her free time out of home, she very rarely even took breakfast with me) passed away, was a very intense year for me, and i was on medication for 2 years already, medication didn't do anything.

I'm going to focus the most on stopping PMO, but sugar is another addiction i have, i was able to spend much longer without eating any kind of sugars than stop PMO. I might even be able to stop PMO for much longer than a week, but i'm sure i'll hit sugars meanwhile, the only times i've stopped eating sugars was when i was at the gym, to get better results, i become disciplined, but the crap i look like now i can't even go back to the gym in this state, and it's my fault i came to this, instead of working on myself to invert the situation i just took refuge on my home to PMO and eat sugars and hoping someone would care.

Thank you all for the replies, just having someone who understands makes all the difference!

 

Thank you, i do watch some videos and did before i register here, however the thing that bothers me the most is the medication that the Psychiatric prescribed me, i don't know if i should take it, or if i should try to keep going without PMO, because if the medication changes something i won't know if no PMO will actually help and will most likely go back to it due to that same reason and then the addiction to the medication and it's side effects. The symptoms i have are most likely from PMO since i've noticed feeling getting worse over the years, then i started to get irritated pretty quick which never happened to me before, i started to use sarcasm a lot as it was my only defense, i hate what i've become and how i'm dealing with things, this is wrong, i'm not like this and never was, and i'm scared.

I feel very depressed and sad right now, my mom came over for a week (i see her once a year, twice at most), she left 30m ago, she barely spent time with me because my grandma isn't well, it brings me back to my teen memories that i was always alone and she would just work, work, and on free time she would just go out and talk with the neighbors while i was alone she wouldn't even take breakfast with me, however she knows for how long i've been saying i wanted a girlfriend and how this bothers me.

I'm confused if my current mood is because of past memories and recent events that triggered them or if it's withdrawal symptoms from PMO, i went to buy 700g of crap to eat today, but didn't touch anything yet and if i do i know i'll get agonized, i was considering PMO but didn't do it as well, i can tell you that right now it would be much easier for me to eat the sugars than PMO.

Some other things i didn't mention that happened during the past 2 Years since i started to eat a lot of sugars and PMO 6 times a day (at least):

- I had two colds, one 2 years ago and one in 2014
-- The 2013 one took 2 weeks to heal, the 2014 one took 3 weeks to heal.
- I've cut my finger almost 3 weeks ago, same time i've stopped PMO for a week, when i was cooking for myself after so many months eating sugars as my meals
-- Even today the cut isn't completely healed, there's still a bit of extra skin around the area of the cut

It's like my immune system is completely messed up and not working at all, takes ages to repair common things.

I also feel very tired, dunno if taking a nap is a good idea, i'm afraid it might interfere with my sleep at night since i wake up 3-5 times at night.

Should i take the medication and/or take naps if i feel like it?

 

Yes i've been reading some other Journals, some other people even mentioned not to get distracted with activities because it'll delay the inevitable, they said that we need to endure the pain to get rid of it, which only makes sense, however having nothing to do just gives us more time to stay at home where the computer is, at least if i'm at the gym i won't do it, the problem is that at this point the gym isn't enough and i don't even want to go there in the state i am like i've mentioned, i can't look at myself in the mirror at all anymore, in 4 years i destroyed myself not only with extra PMO but with sugars, i know a lot of things can be reversed, i did it before but i never came close to the crap i am now before, it'll take some time this time.

I haven't been playing games, mainly because i don't have patience anymore, that scapegoat doesn't work anymore, been 3 weeks since i last played and i don't feel like going back, not even a little.

I took the medication at night and didn't nap, i couldn't sleep at all, first there was a random dizziness that went away and didn't notice more before i fell asleep, then random itches came all over my body which was pretty frustrating, i didn't sleep at all this night, i cried a lot yesterday tho, can be related, can also be related not to PMO can even be the medication that's wrong, which is not a surprise because this doctor already gave me medication that was wrong in the past.

I'll take the medication one last time today, if the same happens i'll have to go to him, because this night was horrible, i woke up at least 10 times, then i couldn't fell asleep easily, i've check the clock a few times and there was little difference between the times i'd wake up and fell a sleep before i woke up again, sigh.