The Most Important New Years Resolution I've Ever Made

lol yeah ever since NoFap, I've found I've never been in a funk for more than a day in a row.

 

Actually, when I was watching the last season of Breaking Bad (well after it had come out), I forced myself to never watch more than one episode at a time. I wanted to make it last as long as possible. Sorry to completely contradict you, but it just takes a bit of self-control lol.

Speaking of GoT, I'm not sure what to do when it comes out in April. I think I can watch while looking away during nude scenes. I really want to watch with my friends as it comes out, but I'll make a decision when April rolls around.

 

So, I feel fantastic. I just downloaded an app called, "SecureTeen" on my phone.

All this time, I had a porn-blocker on my cpu (K9) and it's worked well. But I've never been really tempted to watch porn on my cpu. But when I relapsed (~a year ago) I started watching porn on my phone. Unfortunately, I then realized, porn on your phone is far more convenient since you don't have to lug a laptop into the bathroom. I had put off putting a porn blocker on my phone until just now. I had looked into ConvenantEyes a few weeks ago, but then I read some terrible things about it (e.g. super easy to circumnavigate, disrupts too much, etc.). I have no idea the truth behind this, but while I was willing to pay the $10 each month, I was not for something potentially shitty. K9 also disrupts everything on my phone so that became impractical (while great on my cpu).

So I searched "Parental Blockers" apps and was surprised how many free ones are out there! I set up SecureTeen and I think it will work well. I did some tests (typed porn sites with my hand covering the phone) and at first it didn't work! I immediately X'ed out and needed to relax a bit. I wasn't going to relapse, but I was determined to get this porn blocker to work. I played with the settings and it successfully blocked out whatever I tried.

Now I know that there is no porn blocker that is perfect. But all I'm looking for is something that I believe would be a struggle and a hassle to try to overcome. I just need the obstacle. Before I had a smartphone and when I had a successful porn blocker set up on my computer, urges to watch porn were followed with the thought: "it's not worth it, I couldn't watch even if I wanted to." Only when I completely tried to hack the system, did I get back to watching porn. However, on more recent streaks, I've never had that obstacle for my phone.

It was a bit of a trigger writing down all my porn websites and "key words" affiliated with porn. It was also a trigger to see the 0.0001 second of porn website pop up (before my porn blocker was working). But I Xed out immediately.

As of now, I can completely undo everything on this app since I still have the password, but I'm going to make sure this app doesn't disrupt my normal phone usage for the time being (e.g. slow my phone down an absurd amount, block every single google search, etc.). If all is well, I'll change the password to something ridiculously impossible to remember. I don't know what I would do if I did genuinely need to change the settings, but whatever... ACTUALLY! I can just change the e-mail to one of my accountability partners' e-mails so I would have to ask her for the password. That's how I'm using K9 for my cpu now. Boom! - I'm happy about this. Worst case scenario, I'll just keep searching for another porrn-blocker. I'm really happy about this. I don't know why I didn't attend to this earlier. It's good timing, with my 40 days coming up.

I know this is a ramble, but I'm glad to write it down. Also, on a side note, I was concerned because I read somewhere that K9 doesn't work in google chrome incognito mode. So I tested it today (with the window completely shrunk, so I wouldn't see anything anyway) and it works!

 

For me, most my shows are downloaded on my cpu so knowing I can watch them anytime is super problematic. "I know I can't watch porn, but if I could just glimpse at that nude scene one more time!" You know how that ends. Easier to eliminate movies and shows with nudity all together. But I really love watching films, especially the ones nominated for Oscars. The compromise right now is practicing self-control and looking away during nude scenes. The trade-off is watching a movie I really want to in turn of making my NoFap journey a bit more difficult.

I appreciate the comment!

Easy to circumnavigate? That seems like a bad idea! Most porn blockers allow you to block key-words. So in your case, just adding "shaving" or "pubic hair", or something along those lines would work. Nevertheless, I'm glad you found something that works for you.

 

My 36th Day

I don't think I have ever felt so lost.

I had a meeting with my adviser (for applying to medical schools) and she didn't think it was likely I'd get any more interviews from this point forward. I've only had the one so far and they accept ~50% of interviewees. So those are my odds right now. She kept talking about if I'd reapply and I'm not sure I would. It feels 50/50 now. If I did reapply, I would take another year off and then apply again (and the application process takes even another year). Two more years and retaking the MCAT and reapplying - I don't think it's worth it. I talked to her about how I feel I can be happy doing a great many other things besides medicine. She liked that and appreciated hearing it. She said it was refreshing for someone to honestly evaluate their desire to be a physician.

Then she probed a bit further. She asked if I did get into medical school - would I still want to go into medicine? Idk what I said, but it really got me thinking. Like wtf. I don't know the answer to that question. If no medicine, what the fuck do I do with my life? What do I even want to do? I have a few ideas, and many options, but it's very intimidating. And combined with a sense of "maybe medical school isn't for me" really puts pressure on answering that question. And what if I get in? Should I matriculate? I feel medicine is for me - but I find a small part of myself secretly doubting that. Right now, I'm working a 40 hour week and I really like my lifestyle. I love this balance of exercise, volunteering, work, sleep, health, hobbies, socializing, and relaxation that I have. I would enjoy it if my whole life was like that. So is medicine for me? I don't fucking know.

I've had these thoughts before and talked about them with my mom. Yet I have found I only start doubting the career path of medicine when I'm in a funk. Whenever I get down, I start to doubt medicine. Not sure why... But I'm really down now - so hence I'm really doubting medicine as my career. Not to say, just because I doubt medicine when I'm down, as a reason I should dismiss these feelings. I need to address these hesitant feelings now - before I enroll into medical school. If I get rejected from everywhere - the decision is easy. But if I get in... I don't fucking know.

And then to top that off, I just got rejected from my fucking number 1 choice school. Real fucking bummer...

So I started thinking. I can be an engineer. Even though I graduated with a chemical engineering degree, I didn't like it that much. I could be a chemist of some type. I do like organic chemistry. I could be a teacher. A high school teacher. And maybe I could be a wrestling coach in the high school. That thought kinda made me really happy. Like, I think I would enjoy that. Who the fuck cares if I'm making one-tenth of the salary? The most rewarding feeling is teaching (in my opinion). I got some fucking pondering to do...

Oh yeah and fuck porn.

 

Crisis = opportunity. That's beautiful.

Thanks, I can always count on you to cheer me up.

 

My 39th Day

My time is flying. Porn is such a distant past. Yes Ned, I'm at the 40 days, but I'm so prepared. I couldn't watch porn on my phone or cpu even if I wanted to (actually I probably could, but won't lol - I have the appropriate blockers to act as a reminder). I am continuously filling my life with LIFE. I have dealt with a huge range of emotions these last few weeks and I'm very comfortable and used to the idea of shutting down the possibility of porn. At the beginning of this streak, I would recognize that I desired porn, and then convince myself that I didn't need porn. I would do this by visualizing myself watching porn - realizing that porn won't satisfy me at all. Yet, nowadays I don't need to convince myself - it's an automatic thought. I'm making excellent progress.

I just had a humongous weekend in terms of self-reflection. I went out of town to visit a friend who gave great advice regarding a career switch. It's just one person, but I sifted through a lot of my thoughts and emotions.

I am whole-heartedly thinking about it. Ironically, I had this exact same though process when I decided I did want to go into medicine. It was such a dramatic shift, but I knew that was not a reason to dismiss that career choice. Now I'm going through the exact same thing but on the flip side.

 

I think I am very close to being "completely cured". But I'm still going to ride this out the whole year because, why not? I'm proving to myself that I don't need porn anymore. However, I will welcome sex at any point lol

 

My 40th Day

Ah the magical day number 40. My training has been going well. I went on a 9.5 mile run this weekend in DC. I got to see all the famous landmarks (white house, washington monument, WWII memorial, white house, capitol building, library of congress, etc.) in one beautiful run.
I have been getting a bit less sleep lately, because I haven't acclimated yet to going to sleep before midnight. Because I have been slacking on my daily morning routine. I always come up with excuses. But now I am acknowledging it. How am I going to change? I'll deliberately go to bed at 11 from this point forward and set my alarm clock 30 minutes before I think I need to get up. Simple, I like it.

Separately, I'm considering becoming a vegetarian. I want to do a lot of research before jumping in head-first, but I'm confident I'll make the switch. I want to do my research because being vegetarian does not equate to being healthy. You can eat Oreos all day and consider yourself vegetarian...

 

Great analogy!

If you liked this list, I encourage you to read my compiled post.