Do you need to ask for affection in your relationship ?

I've been in relationships where the woman never initiated but would get sad and have self esteem issues when I didn't.

I think the best way to deal with it is to have a completely honest conversation about what each of you would consider the 'ideal' sex life and then accomodate each other.

It goes without saying that you deserve good sex. And so does everyone who isn't asexual.

 

CK... 'ello mate!

Welcome to the club of HDP vs LDP. (high desire partner vs. low desire partner). I've been a HDP member for years and everyone who is in a relationship is either on one side or the other! Kicking, screaming or PMOing (like I did) won't fix anything.

I invested in a lot of soul searching and education to understand what was going on in my life/relationship. I had to face my own issues that were ugly... What was my attitude towards sex and my spouse? I had to re-learn that desire for my wife was not dirty or bad but natural and pure. Not easy to do when you're PB (porn bingeing) until 3AM in the morning. At the end of it all quite honestly, I was pretty much on my own - with my own problems. I learned to live my life and enjoy the things I like with and without my spouse. It may seem cold, but I am independent... I am also a loving husband to my wife as well. No spouse can own/control her husband or wife. I have enough trouble trying to control myself!!

So in answer to your questions... Yes, there are others like you.
Regarding low self-esteem... IMHO, sincerely - I believe this is a choice you make - I certainly did. What your spouse does (or does not do) should not define who you are. When a spouse or significant other becomes more important to you than you are to yourself then you lose your identity. In the past, when I was rejected I would PMO and wallow in self-pity. No one came to the pity party except some porn sites.

In the end, I had to find "myself." That didn't mean ignoring my wife or treating her cruelly. It meant doing the things that bring me happiness. My wife is always welcome to join me - she may... she may not. I allow my wife her own space...I encourage her to do what she likes. In a great marriage, each partner wants "What is in the Best Interest for His (or Her) Partner," not whats in the best interest for themselves. I'm sure, you love and want your wife to be happy and enjoy life (with you!). I had issues in my past that were effecting my relationship. I had to deal with those first. (BTW congrats on being a member for years and having a 56 day streak going - very nice!!!)

After all that, I had to be up front and honest with my wife from a position of loving her and wanting the best for her. IMHO - going weeks and months without sex is not good for a relationship - for either the LDP or HDP. Why wouldn't a wife want a fun, great, (and sexual) relationship with a husband who loves her? Husbands need to understand, their wives have issues too. Why wouldn't someone want to help their wife? To encourage and love her. I also had to realize, when I'm honest and open with my wife, I may not get the answer I'm looking for. Being grounded a bit better in my own identity, I'm usually able to accept those responses without them effecting me too much. I can also discern if she is right.. which means I may want to make some more changes in my life.

Relationships are a terrific and terrifying place to be. The closer you get the greater the intimacy - and the more fun... also the greater the chance someone might get hurt. Some people distance themselves because of the risk. Overbearing parents, an alcoholic mother, a violent family member, sexual abuse (physical and verbal) - all these things leave scars that hurt us in areas that are unseen. They effect husbands who badger their wives and demand sex even though it is destroying their wife. It effects wives who use sex as a weapon to control, hurt and manipulate their husbands. When we "grow up" we see things for what they are by giving up our false sense of self and loving our partners.

One last comment.... and I must admit this is a TRIGGER ALERT, I found the book "Desire and Passion" by David Schnarch to be very helpful. The book is sexually graphic, but its logic and foundation on how sex and past experiences effect relationships is 100% spot on. As a spoiler Schnarch claims there are four points of balance for someone who is secure in their own identity

- Solid flexible self
- Meaningful endurance
- Grounded responses to questions and situations
- Calm mind / quiet heart

Good luck to you, keep up the good fight... I wish you and your wife the very best!!
HF

 

You do realise that this is also one of the reasons so many men fall in the PMO trap after they marry right?

 

Love it or hate it the fact is that if you don't feel like initiating, there are many other younger more beautiful women women that would.
As far as I understand sex is about expressing love and having an intimate connection, refusing to initiate such a deep connection will have its consequences.
I'm not saying I don't understand the issue, but a relationship is not only about one but about the other half as-well. Wouldn't a better solution be to talk about it and slowly but surely remove this hazardous idea from ones head?

 

Those who are Asexual... Screw'em! They don't deserve good sex love you buddy!

This is an excuse, not the reasoning. It might be a push toward the issue, but it is a excuse never the less.

Relationships are tricky. The one thing that will serve you well in your relationship is having honest conversations about what you both want. If you don't talk, you wont know. We may be able to guess occasionally what the spouse is thinking, but nobody can read minds. Talking out issues when then arise instead of feuding on them will save so much trouble, hurt, depression, and anger.

 

Hello, this is excuse, excuse wants to tell you it's the reason of many couples breakup.

 

Your statement makes no sense. I didn't say it wasn't a reason why many couples breakup, regardless it is still an excuse. Couples can breakup as a result of an excuse.

 

Are we not entitled to our own opinions?

In response to your post though. I never once said it was or was not a reason for couples to break up.

You are right, it is an excuse because of those things. I don't think personally that it is a reason to cheat, PMO, or anything of the sort. To me, that isn't a reason. That is an excuse to skew from your previous commitments. You are entitled to your opinions, just as I am entitled to mine and he is his. That is a fact. I appreciate your opinion however I still think you are wrong.

 

We were not arguing though It only turned to arguing when you got on your logical-condescending high-horse. Last I checked I do not have to give or offer a reasoning to why I have a belief, as I was merely sharing my belief. Your point of view is no more logical than mine is, as we are talking about a belief. This belief however, has nothing to do with logic because it is my whole-hearted belief. You aren't sorry to sound condescending or you wouldn't have even begun this whole discussion. Speaking from a logical standpoint, there is no logic in discussing ethics, because ethics is the common belief of the society we reside in. It isn't logic, its ethics and morality. I did state "this is an excuse, not the reasoning," but not in reference to a couple breaking up, but in reference to why men might fall into PMO. Please take the time to read the whole context before you jump in an aggressive state to tell people how they are wrong. Again, if you were worried about the sensitivity of people you wouldn't have gotten all riled up to "defend" the case that you had miss context-ed. Your signature reference I do not understand. I don't really care that you have a quote about opinions in your signature or not when it comes to this discussion. You are entitled to your opinion, which can either be informed or not, and I am entitled to mine, which can be either informed or not. You may think your opinion is informed, when in reality I think your opinion is ignorant and vise versa. Every person is entitled to their own opinion, I honestly think that quote in itself is ignorant. To state someone isn't entitled to believe what they believe, is ignorant. What if the informed opinion is wrong? For instance with the light bulb, albert einstien, and so many others. They had their opinion, which at the time was not "informed," so by your justification they are ignorant, and not entitled to think what they desire. Therefore, please unplug all your electricity because someone had an uninformed, ignorant opinion.

To continue with the original post, I stand firm to discussing with your SO is the best way to resolve the situation. There are thousands of relationships that have this particular struggle, potentially even a good percentage although I do not have the statistics to back that statement. Truth-be-told, many women hold a standard of if the guy doesn't initiate she must be a slut. Which in all reality, women are sexual too, sometimes even more so than men are. On the contrary some men feel that if they always have to initiate, than their SO feels that the deeds is exactly that, a deed. They feel that it is a chore and that it might not be enjoyable for the other person, which is why they never initiate. It could also be that the man feels like a "disgusting horny slob," because he is always the one initiating. When a couple gets into these mind sets than it spells out trouble in the fullest extent. A couple requires two people participating. Therefore you should talk to your SO. Listen to her and her reasoning of why and explain to her your point of view. You don't have to present your idea in a way that you are right and she is wrong, you both have feelings. However, if you don't discuss it this perpetual cycle and mind games will eventually have a toll on your relationship. She doesn't want to sleep with me, she doesn't want to initiate because shes a slut if she does, he doesn't want to sleep with me, he doesn't want to initiate because he's guilty of being horny all the time or it is a chore for me. That is the basis of where sexual troubles root into a major issue for the relationship. It can all be avoided by sitting down for 20+ minutes and just discussing it. You never know, it might end in some frisky time too.

 

The reason limeaid specified is very true, I know my parents are struggling with this.

 

@8BitsOfStuggling thank you for these words this is where we are at. Where are at a major point I think. I am planning to talk to her tonight about it.[/QUOTE]

I hope it works out for you! it is never an easy conversation, it will always be an awkward conversation, but by expressing how you feel is the only way she will truly know exactly how you feel. Going at it from a tactful, non-attacking stance will be the difficult part. Careful with your words, but speak your mind. Good luck! Let me know how it goes.