A procrastinator's end.

Short story I got myself procrastinating about introducing myself, that kind of bullshit "I'm not in the correct mood right now, maybe after some rest". Hi everyone, I'm a 19 year old male living in Brazil, Rio.

Well... my life has been dragged like that for almost 5 years when I got separated from my best friends in high school. Had a horrible time trying to fit the new enviroment I was in at 2nd grade. That kind of failure made me retreat into my own world, my own cave. I started surfing the net for about two thirds of the day and the sleep schedule was really shit (waking up at 17:00 some weekends).

Although being ultra inexperienced I decided to apply for college in another state. Really awesome idea to live by yourself (18 y.o) when the only thing you actually know is gaming, huh? The constant appearances my mother had been making at my new home didn't manage to supress the emotional void I was being sucked into. Crying for help was the decision which might had impact on the scenario. Indeed it did. I went to the doc, got diagnosed with depression/anxiety. Then came the meds.

I was surprised how the effects were taking place, for about 2 months I've been transformed in the extrovert I used to be. It was the next month I'd get sleazy about the medication, maybe I thought I got only brought to my natural personality. From month 7 to 10 I got LAZY as fuck. I began to not care about anything else but my own pleasure.

On the second week of october we decided I should come back to my hometown. This was a period of extreme instability on the mood "of a family". Only chaos seemed to perpetuate in my mind. I wouldn't leave bed for the whole day since sleep was the only moment I could find peace.

After deep reflectin to myself on what I had lived until that moment, I came to the conclusion that the whole path which caused that whole situation was my selfishness towards everything around me. I only cared about feeling good, living the moment.

From this perspective I made a desperate move. Maybe if I directed my actions to the opposit of what my brain wanted, that should be the first step to be able to live a real life. Throught all those years I had conditioned my brain to seek that Sensation we all know (Gaming and P).

I started to seek knowledge about the "root of desire". That's when the TedTalk presented by Gary Wilson really caught my eye. I spent entire days searching more and more science that would clarify my feelings. I began linking the present consequences I was suffering to my old behavior.

At this time I felt lots of guilt on not being able to retribute all the efforts my parents put into me

Mid-year I too lost a REALLY close friend, and only now I noticed that it would be innevitable the way I was living

I had met wonderful people while I was living alone and now I couldn't even look at their faces to say goodbye

From posts on NoFap to articles on YBOP and similars, I realised I was trading away everything that made me smile in the past for some hits of DOPAMINE. I really numbed myself out of reality.

It was a desperate move to start NoFap hardmode. I just wanted to purge the extreme levels of anxiety I was feeling. The only thing that motivated me not to relapse was failing everyone around me again! (Yes my sanity was barely there.)

The more I research I did, more I was on the right track, I thought. I finally discovered that abstinence wasn't a magic pill. This didn't frustrate me so much because I had learned about Neuroplasticity. Big props to that conceipt. Only then I've started to elaborate my recovery process back into society. It was then that I quitted all hyper-stimuli, ranging from food to tech. I wanted my dopamine receptors back to normal so as to enjoy living again.

My return to the pills were producing some heavy mood swings, not weakning my willpower though. I knew that my brain needed time to readjust. The withdrawal symptoms were signs that I was making progress. On my 4th week of quitting PMO I began the basics on exercising my body. I had some equipment at home and searched on the web.

Little time later I got confident enough to start leaving my cave. Signed myself at the gym and started swimming at the local club. Recently I applied for a temporary job nearby and honestly don't know what to expect from my future. Right now I'm focused on fixing myself. Urges are the tyniest obstacles I encounter daily. Once I rewire my brain, the world should be ready to face my ultimate self.

 

Roger!

 

If I sought to give any advice, this would be it: Turn fear into your ally. Remember all those immature decisions you made when swarmed into Brain Fog. The mistakes that led you to this situation. You just can't feel that way anymore. I've been childish in the past, seeking pleasure as a grass-hopper. This time, I have the knowledge, the situation is right before my eyes. I'll endure this ONE (all the painful abstinence symptoms) so as to my future self live a descent life.

 

I hugely appreciate your words brother! Let's conquer ourselves and show"em.

 

Thanks for sharing and keeping my spirit up.

Life sure has some silly ways of showing what's UP. Since this society is so awfully preocupied with time, many moments that could wrap us toward better ways of living pass unnoticed.

 

If you take a look into my journal.. it's just kid's ramblings!

Thanks brother I trully appreciate it!

 

Holy shit, you were absolutely right!

 

Man, I was getting the link to this journal for a friend And unexpectedly saw this message of yours.

I feel warm inside.

 

Same country. If you found this fun, take a look on this one two.

https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/keep-track-emotional-issues.53821/