Ongoing for 5+ years. Need help.

Curiosity killed the cat is a proverb that's often used to warn of the dangers of unnecessary investigation or experimentation. I find that highly relevant in my case. It all started on a warm summer evening a few years ago. I was bored. I had nothing to do. I was idle and alone, and I believe that's what ultimately led me down this vicious spiral of self-contempt and hatred.

What began as a curious interest turned into a deep addiction and obsession of pornography. Mind you, being of a religious background I was disgusted with the idea of watching something that I deemed as 'filthy' - and I had never masturbated prior to that point in my life. Sure, I had seen my fair share of your average 'sex scene' in films and the like, but nothing hardcore. I was in my early 20's then having just graduated from university. In retrospect, I suppose a part of me simply wanted to discover what all the 'fuss' was about. I convinced myself that once my nagging curiosity was satisfied, I'd have nothing to do with pornography anymore. My 'hunger' of course blatantly proving me wrong later on.

But to compound matters further, being of a religious background I grew up having been taught that both viewing porn and masturbating are abhorrent deeds, that often lead to the destruction of your soul. As such, I'm very ashamed of what I have become and I feel horrible after each time I give in to my addiction.

But it just feels so damn good...especially the very first time that I indulged myself in the act. I never felt anything like it. It was wonderful, it's like my brain is literally on drugs. I kept coming back to it, wanting more, not getting enough. At the height of my addiction I was easily jerking off 3-4 times a day, sometimes to the point where my body just couldn't do it anymore or to the point of being too tired to do anything but fall asleep.

That was the worst phase. My initial shame and guilt had faded away. Viewing pornography in my bed at night turned into routine that I looked forward to during the day. It was my get-way, my fantasy that I found myself indulging in, my escape from reality. I rationalized that it was fine. At least I was not hurting anybody, was I? At least I'm not doing anything to anyone else, I'm just watching this stuff, and boy does it feel good - even though the feelings of utopia never lasted more than a few seconds.

I was too naive and consumed with my addiction to realize what was happening inside of me. I grew devoid of any empathy towards people - especially women - for whom I lost my respect and I often felt contempt for no reason. I started viewing women as nothing but a mere piece of flesh walking by. The most difficult part being having to check out every women, constantly gawking and starring at them as long as I was given the opportunity to do so. I was having a very hard time putting my eyes down whenever a woman passed by, and I still do. I hate what I've become.

I tried to stop watching porn altogether, and have gone a few months without watching any. But my body keeps on relapsing every few days. It's the urge to orgasm/masturbate that inhibits me from making any progress. It only a minute or two for my mind to reformulate and recreate the vivid sound and feel of a pornographic scene. You already know what happens next.

It's an endless cycle, or at least that's what it damn feels like. This has been going on for 5 years now and I'm sick and tired of it. I'm really ashamed of myself, mostly due to being so weak willed. Also, I've grown very lazy over the past few years. I find tasks hard to accomplish, and they take much longer now.

I'm not social at all IRL due to social anxiety - mostly as a result of being shy and of being a stutterer/stammerer - something for which I have been bullied and ridiculed for. It often becomes severe whenever a girl approaches me, or whenever my anxiety levels rise. Not that I'm attractive at all to begin with, I'd honestly rate myself a 2/10 or even lower.

I spend all day in my house, usually in front of my PC, which I know only makes it more likely I'll keep relapsing. Also, I suffered an accident 2 years ago in which I injured my lower back and have been recovering (but very slowly) ever since. The slightest of bending movements often hurt. I used to work out, or heck, even jog, but this has no longer been possible ever since my injury.

I feel like I need a serious wake up call. I've pretty much wasted the past 5 years of my life due to this habit and have grown sick and tired of it. I've relapsed 5 times this past week and there seems to be no end in sight - I feel like I need a serious dose of being bashed/criticized - or heck, just to get this out there because there's no one that I could talk to from my immediate family or friends. That thought is too scary, as viewing pornography and/or masturbating is nothing short of an abhorrent act, and to be honest, I'm simply far too ashamed to discuss it.

Any advice/bashing/criticism is appreciated. I wish someone could just punch me and bring me back to my senses...

 

Thanks for the advice! I started to think my story was too depressing and/or cringeworthy and simply forced people away. A couple of questions since I'm new here: how do I take a challenge - need I sign up somewhere? And, what's "Hard Mode"?

Thanks in advance.

 

@Shadowschola

Thank you for expressing your feelings my friend. I understand that we're all under a great deal of stress and might be feeling angry or depressed as a result of where we are in life and/or because of the choices that we made. I think a part of the problem is our inability to to accept life on life’s terms. We've been dealt a bad hand, women do not approach or like us, so what? Focus on what makes you a better person inside. Pursue peace, serenity and happiness first. Focus and build on your career, then life itself will become better and you'll find someone to be with.

Sometimes being indirect is the best way. Having a successful career or a well paying job opens up doors, and the dominoes fall in place, whereas, channeling most of your energy in pursuit of women or getting worked up over them is not only stress and depression inducing, but it is detrimental to your physical and mental health. The effects of which often carry to your workplace and daily life.

Thank you for the advice by the way, I'm currently fasting which is helping me immensely. I've set a target of 7 days, so I'll see how it goes from there. Feel free to share your thoughts and experience or if you just need to vent out here in the future.

 

Relapsed today after 4 days.

I feel horrible, but I'll pick myself up and start again.