A Woman's Perspective 1 - The Beginning

PMO stands for Porn, Masturbation, and Orgasm.
Hardmode refers to having zero sexual relations during reboot.

 

No prob!

 

Hi Rose - very sorry to see you dealing with this. Let me suggest another woman on here. Her name is Limeaid and has loved her husband through recovery. All the best to you.

 

Hi RiverRose. Cool avatar by the way.

You are near guaranteed to find love, support and advice on this forum, which could be very beneficial for both you and your husband. Perhaps a way to work together on his recovery is to share your username with him, and likewise with him. This approach has worked well for an amazing couple on here, @Sun Bro and @Strugglesaurus. Perhaps they could share more light on this than me. It is interesting that they do not directly influence each others journals, more the providing of general support. Therefore your account could be kept personal to you, and your husband's to him. But there would be a mutual sharing of information that I believe would greatly help the both of you.

Of course, an implication of this is that you and he would become sort of pseudo accountability partners. This may be difficult for him to cope with in the early days as, providing he was honest about his activity, you would be able to see directly how he was going. This is just something for you both to think about.

Best wishes
NoBrainer

 

(super long post incoming!)
RiverRose, I'm so glad you came here for support. You will find plenty. Right off the bat, I'm going to suggest to you several women on here who have been going through this with their partners. Another amazing couple is @Haggis and @Blondewife, they have come so far together. Blondewife has her own journal in the Relationships section and it details her struggle through her husband's porn addiction and years of lies. I will link it here. @significantother, @marise0705, and @Limeaid are wonderful people as well.

I know exactly how you are feeling, and I want you to know it is completely normal. The healing process is not easy to facilitate, but it will get easier to work through these emotions over time. The most important thing is to not suppress these feelings, otherwise they will continue to resurface until you deal with them. It is incredibly hard, I know. So very, very hard. Some days you will wonder what it's even like to feel alright, but it will pass. The second most important thing is to take time for yourself. Do things you enjoy and that rejuvenate you. It could be a nice book, a walk, a bath, hanging out with friends, whatever makes you feel good and helps you temporarily "unhook" yourself from the problems in your relationship.

What has helped me stand by my partner is to see the change in him. We have been on here 7 months fighting this, and he is coming up on his 3-month mark free from PMO. He has changed so much. He is becoming a better person every day, more empathetic, listens to my concerns, is less judgmental, is happier, and has pretty much crushed his compulsive lying habit into the dust. Noticing these changes is what has inspired me to continue sticking around and supporting him through this.

Support doesn't have to mean throwing yourself into the recovery process with him, either. It can simply be checking in with him about how he's doing and talking through any problems together. I know it is extremely difficult to keep a level head during this, especially if he has PMO'd or done something equally upsetting. You might find you need time alone for the first part of this process since there are so many emotions coming up at once that you may feel overwhelmed. That's okay, just let him know how you're feeling and he should be accomodating. It may take him a while to fully realize how horribly he has hurt you, but if he is dedicated to conquering his addiction it will come naturally.

I have yelled and cried and given him the cold shoulder for days at a time, it's just a natural part of the process. It is much like the grieving process, as you are honestly grieving for the man you thought you knew. The best way to deal with this anger and betrayal is to be patient with yourself. Peace may not come in a month or a year, but it will come if you are commited to your husband and the health of your relationship. Making sure you have hobbies and things you enjoy without your husband is the key to keeping your sanity.

Life has improved ten-fold for all couples who join this community together. I agree with @NoBrainer, sharing usernames is a good way to develop trust and understanding between you. Reading his struggles could help you sympathize with him more, and reading your struggles could do the same for him. It has worked for @Sun Bro and I. We do tend to offer general support and encouragement through postings every once in a while, but that's as far as it goes. I would also like to mention that we did start out as accountability partners, but he was not fully comfortable talking to me about it and so would keep things from me or lie. We ultimately decided that he should get an actual accountability partner and it has worked wonders for us. He has not lied to me in a long time. I do still check up on him and we talk about any problems he has, I think it offers us peace of mind: he keeps me in the loop, and I have the opportunity to offer encouragement/acceptance or advice.

It will not always be peachy, as the nature of addiction in a relationship causes strife and issues regarding trust. You will both need to work together to get through this. We are all very supportive, positive people here and if you ever need someone to talk, vent, or simply relate to, message any one of the wonderful ladies up above. Including me. I hope this helps you somewhat, and I hope you find solace in writing here as we all do.

 

Hello RiverRose!

I would first like to say that you are absolutely not alone but unfortunately the wives of addicts are a silent majority I'm afraid. Most women don't ever find out but we are the lucky ones that do. I know, lucky us right? Well I think so because we now have the opportunity to make our relationships stronger than they ever have been before because we have the opportunity to get porn out of our lives.

My husband has been PMO free now for two years and I can tell you with certainly that it gets better in time BUT he has to be consistent with his behaviour for you to fully heal. It is very important for you to express what you are feeling. He has betrayed you and it is a betrayal similar to cheating so if you need to bring it up every day then do that. We had many many many terrible bad days in the first year of recovery. It is only now that my confidence is somewhat back to where it was...but I still struggle with body image issues and social anxiety every now and again which is normal. When a relationships has been rocked to it's core as women we always blame ourselves and think we are not good enough. I have learned that no matter how many times my husband has told me how beautiful I am, something has changed and it's hard for me to believe him...but again that is getting better with time. I also found out about my husbands PMO issue about a week after giving birth to my second baby so yeah....I get how you are feeling there too :/

Bottom line, this is going to be tough. It will test your relationship with yourself and you husband but you can pull through and have an amazing relationship. My relationship with my husband now is crazy wonderful! We have sex, connection and love like we've never had before. He has completely changed into the man that makes me proud. Your husband can get there too with consistent work and healing. I have also done a lot of work on myself and discovered that I am codependant so it has really helped me sort through some of my own issues and why I dealt with this problem for so long. Might be something you could look into as well.

We are all here for you in whatever capacity you need. Big huge hugs to you

 

@RiverRose27 How are things going? Hope you are well.

 

First of all, this may be my opinion but my opinion is that his use of porn DOES diminish his feelings towards to. Once again, this is just my opinion so take it as you want but I personally consider porn to be cheating.

Second of all, this is not your fault. Now once again this is just my opinion and I'm no marriage counsellor but I'm off the opinion that in a marriage both members have to strive to be 100% honest at all times with no sneaking behind each others backs. This means that you are not at fault for his perversion, you are still as beautiful as ever but he has a problem and it's both of your responsibility to help him recover.

As I mentioned though, these are just my opinions based on my worldview. You are free to take or leave whatever you want from it.

 

Thank you so much for sharing. I'm not married, but thought that I had begun a very satisfying, healthy relationship with a man that would be long-lasting and happy. Recently, he has realized he has a pornography addiction and that it is the likely cuplrit of his many failed relationships in the past (including a failed marriage).

We enjoyed a very fulfilling, creative and playful sex life in the early stages of the relationship, but after about 6 months, he began to withdraw from it. Sex continued, but it he began having trouble reaching climax and in some instances he experienced ED.

After I moved in about 6 months later, things got even worse.

Now that everything is out in the open, despite having suspected something was awry, I am dealing with all the classic symptoms. Shock, anger, confusion, isolation, sexual withdrawal.

I can't say I feel worthless, but I am definitely less confident. I know that I am a beautiful woman, but his affection and any compliments he gives me feel hollow. I have a lot of trouble feeling confident that he genuinely finds me attractive... It was actually before he admitted to his problem that I started seriously experiencing body image issues. I was even considering breast augmentation - something that never would have crossed my mind when we had met.

When we met I had spent the previous year focusing on making my life a healthy one that includes (forever), regular exercise and balanced diet. Just so that I felt good on the regular.

So when we met I was healthy and brimming with confidence. I had lost 30lbs (which was all I needed to lose), and had really transformed my body. I was proud of it, but still laid back enough to enjoy ice cream and celebratory meals, and not become obsessed with aesthetics.

Now, although I am overcoming some issues I had in my personal life (unemployment and the death of a beloved family member), I find everything about my life when we first got together is now tainted with negativity. I'm no longer exercising regularly (although I miss it), and I still eat OK, but care a lot less.

I'm filled with anger, and fear and doubt... I often feel like he is way more happy and confident than he was, and I'm now the opposite. He betrayed me in the fall, and ever since I've had this downward spiral. Although I have started a new job and feel great about it, at home ... I am constantly stewing in confusion, doubt, anger. I often do not even want to go home.

I don't know how to rebuild the trust that was once there and regain my spirit and the feeling that my relationship is a good, safe place to be. I used to feel strongly that we were both good to each other and proud of one another, but now I don't know.

How does one trust someone who isn't even in control of themselves?

I often have to wonder if I even know who he really is. It is really sad...

My focus is shot everywhere but at work. In my free time all I can do is walk and think. I haven't told any of my friends or family for the same reasons you haven't, but so often wish I could.

He was the one to initiate admitting that he has a problem, and has begun research to find a therapist (or two) so we can both start therapy to overcome this.

But I am in the same boat that so many other women find themselves in... Can we move on together as a couple, or is it already doomed?

Like I said, our relationship has been great both in and out of the bedroom. We are very compatible and share similar values, are both creative people and both very respectful of each other. It was a good thing. I just don't know if it can be again...

It sucks going from being so self-assured and confident, to the stereotypically insecure girlfriend that becomes anxious, fearful and jealous just seeing a commercial with an attractive woman in it. I used to pride myself on not being that way...

Hoping things will work out, but have no idea how I will ever trust again.

 

Erin welcome to the forum!! I think you should start a new post for yourself so you can get more responses. I will say that this is a very hard thing for us women to come through. It will wreak havoc on your self esteem and you will question everything. My husband and I are two years into recovery and things do get infinitely better. There is hope. I highly recommend you speak to a therapist that deals with porn addiction or even cheating. You are experiencing all of the same emotions a wife who has been cheated on will experience. I found solace in reading articles on betrayed wives when we first began recovery.

I am here if you ever need to talk

 

I have deep respect for you ladies that you are willing to support your man in this. But I never realised how terribly it hurts you, until I read your replies. It made me realise that you are a bigger victim than me as a man who can talk openly about this and built up a support network. I wish you all the strength that you need to go on. And I have to say that you made me more aware of how women feel about this. And motivated me to fight extra hard to get over this addiction so I don't have to let my girl experience this. I wish you didn't have to go through this. And have to thank you for letting me realise how badly it affects your relationship

 

Thank you for your support Limeaid. I am still in the throes of shock, despite having known when my relationship started that he watched porn. I didn't realize that it was such a problem for him... And even though leading up to his realizing this and taking steps - without any of my influence - I knew something was off, I'm still having trouble coping with how much he struggles with the compulsion and draw of it. It feels so much like his libido for porn is stronger for his libido for me, and this hurts a lot. Especially when we had enjoyed a very intimate, creative sex life before the addiction kicked in again (he realized it has been a problem for a very long time).

I'm wavering between fear and anger, and doubt that we will mend the deep trust we once had. I really hope we can, as we were a very strong partnership before. And now with my professional life growing as it is, we have all the tools we could need to build a great life for ourselves...

We are both struggling with sadness. He has applied at his work for a list of therapists so we can both start to get counselling (seperately as per my preference - at least initially). I hope it helps... These first two weeks of finally getting it out in the open has been nothing but a cycle, a trap of negative thoughts.

I hope we can mend. Thanks again for your reply and support.

 

Eryn the main thing you have to understand about this addiction is that he craves the dopamine high. It really isn't about him preferring porn over you. It is that porn gives his brain a high similar to cocaine. The fact that porn and masturbation go hand in hand means that he ends up being very sexually exhausted so loses an interest to have sex with you. You will find these forums full of men who think their wives are beautiful and sexy and they want to be able to have sex with them but the need for the high from PMO just leaves then too exhausted. Soon their brains get wired to only be sexually turned on by the screen and it goes down hill from there. Even if you were a porn star he would still need the screen. I hope that makes sense. Go check out yourbrainonporn.com and read more about it.

Hang in there

 

Hello again, Limeaid

I've done exhaustive amounts of research on the topic, and my first stop was yourbrainonporn.com as well. You're totally right... I was just still in shock (I'm still in shock), like I said.

However, I'm committed to getting MYSELF healthy again... I'm grateful for your support, and for the countless women who have shared their stories on here as well. I hope that now that I'm putting the pieces together, that I can help others too.

As for my own personal relationship? We do hope we can move on together. I think only time can really tell if I can grow to trust him again.

Thanks <3

 

This was a sobering read, as were the comments from all the other females in this thread. Thank you for sharing your perspective, as it reminds me how callous and shallow I've been with the women I've been with these last several years. I had always assumed that women held the power in a sexual relationship and could easily bounce back by choosing whichever of the many man fancied them on a daily basis. I now realize that's not always the case.

Eryn, I don't think I have any place to say anything since I've never been in a long-term relationship. But the one lesson I've tried to internalize recently is the power of self-respect and how that entails your interactions with people. I struggle with the same feelings considering pretty much all of them women I've been last with or crushed on/felt strongly for have either gone on to loving, stable long-term relationships or got married. Talk about feeling like a Good Luck Chuck! But the problem is, combined with my unrealistic expectations of these women (this is just me, your expectations are realistic) and my own inability to cut myself some slack, I was never honest about what I wanted for myself.

You at least know what you want -- to feel like the beautiful, confident, independent woman you are. So be honest with yourself. If you don't believe you can ever feel that way in the relationship again, than it's probably time to move on, especially if he's not making you feel empowered in the same way he is. But if you believe he's committed to doing this for the both of you, you also need to communicate your desire to be appreciated as well, and put the onus on him to remind you of that as often as you need.