ok, so here I am

Signed up last night because I'm fed up of not being who I want to be. I'm fed up of those late night incognito image searches, and telling myself it's just this once. I'm fed up of the resentment it builds in me in my relationship with my wife (which is basically just guilt for 'cheating', and pretending to myself that it's her fault for not living up to my unrealistic expectations). I'm fed up of being in control and strong in every other aspect but not in this one. I'm fed up of putting myself where I'll 'accidentally' see things. I'm fed up of lying to myself about myself, and feeling like a failure.
So I decided to do something - I'm aiming to go for 90 days straight, no MP/Psub. I need the sense of challenge, I need the support, I need the accountability of saying it here.

I also need to break some sort of an addiction to failure. This isn't the first time I've tried to stop and get things under control, but there's a part of me that seems to want to fail, that wants to have a 'dark' secret. I seem to be at my weakest when everything else in life is going well - work, kids, marriage - it's like somehow I can't let it all be good. And even signing up here and commiting is making it really hard not to just open up another tab in the browser... And i can feel desire to M building - just because i've decided not to. I want to get rid of that part too.

I'm fed up of not being who I want to be. And I signed up under a pseudonym, because last night I still wasn't quite ready to fully own this. So to put that right, I'm actually Paul.