How did I ever let it get to this?

Firstly, to whoever in admin, please ensure that ‘Save Draft’ does what it says and it is recoverable. I estimate I’ve wasted 2 hours or so writing my feelings which has not been easy to me in the slightest. Trying to replicate has wasted yet more time. I hate talking, I hate writing even more so. It would be useful to know where the draft is saved to, locally or web based.


Where do I begin?

I have a wife who loves me to hell & back, how do I know this? I’ve put her through hell the last 12 – 18 months and she’s stood by me. For those of you who don’t already know her, (mj1064) have a read of her first post in particular, it hits the nail on the head. I can’t say I agree 100% but it’s very close.

I’m an addict, pure & simple. I can’t get by without some sort of fix, mostly chatrooms on a couple of sites, I didn’t think it was a problem but like other addictions I’m aware of, I’m being surreptitious, hiding things, spending far too much money on sites (Subscriptions & Tokens) which in all honesty I really cannot afford.

Where did this all begin? God knows really, I guess some 30 plus years ago with the advent of the PC and porn became available on line. I would watch movies, which at the time were novel to me & a great release, satisfying fantasies and thinking about it now, I’m surprised I don’t have RSI in my right wrist I was that bad. To cut a long story short I have indulged far too much to the extent I think it’s perfectly normal & fail to see why it isn’t when objections are raised. With the advent of chatrooms, I guess it started getting too personal, in 95% of cases, it was more a social thing, just chatting to the pretty girls, the odd ‘beat the meat’ session, tipping for the odd flash of tit or pussy, or more (dildos etc.) which I enjoyed watching. There are three instances where it got more than just the odd flash & poke with a toy. It did get very personal and though it’s taken me an age to admit it, they are affairs, just not physical. I became besotted by these women, supporting them financially outside of the site structure, mainly because I hate the thought of the sites taking up to 70% of whatever was contributed, why should some fat pimp benefit?

I guess, no not guess, I know the worse thing to happen was using an escort. Not once, but twice.

What the hell I was searching for I really can’t tell you. Our sex life is pretty amazing, there’s not anything more I could want for. So why did I use an escort? I guess I thought there was something missing, it would be an amazing experience, it would be a fulfilment of a fantasy; it was anything but. Nothing more special, nothing out of this world, but it took me two attempts to realise this, that happened over two years ago & I have never had the urge to repeat it.

So I guess this makes me wonder why I still had the urge to carry on camming, it really is for the social interaction (with benefits), I know there will be those of you out there screaming “Bullshit”, well scream on. I have found in that environment, there are like minded souls as well, and we do enjoy the social interaction. Obviously, there is the model or in some cases two, but there is an element of conversation in there between other users in the room from all over the world that is about every day subjects & not just porn.

Well this is my starting point, what happens next, who knows.

 

It was not easy, as you could well see, but thank you just for those reassuring words, it means a lot

 

Thanks for your warm welcome BH56, MJ has told me about you & your struggle, my heartfelt thanks, firstly for sharing with mj, I know it's helped her greatly, secondly thanks for replying to my thread, looks like I am running a parallel course, I can already imagine you being a close ally in the time ahead.
Best of luck to you & your good lady as you forge your future together
Thanks again

 

Thanks Joe, yes I'm lucky & very grateful.
I've had an encounter with PIED, fortunately not as bad as some I've read about
Thanks for your encouraging words & good luck in your quest
Cheers bud

 

Thank you

 

Thank you TTS, it will be an interesting & I'm sure fruitful journey to better place for us all
Best of luck in your quest too

 

Update: -

Well 6 days in, so far so good, feeling like a new man already, not really missed the sites or chats, mind you had a bit on my plate with other episodes outside of this so that has helped.
Though it's still very early days, I feel a confidence that I can get out of the habits I had; boot up pc, launch emails, launch browser, glance at FB, answer emails, find chat rooms & indulge. Still doing all the above apart from chat rooms, I'm not counting my chickens yet, but hey, I'm feeling good.
One of the mains reasons I feel so good was confiding in my kids, they have been great, very supportive to me, which has helped no end.

I will continue to add little posts like this as my journey progresses
Best of luck to all of you on a like journey, may you reach your goal

 

Well thought it's about time I gave an update on where I am
The last couple of weeks have been torturous in one sense but quite amazing in another.
I still have the odd thoughts about a couple of the girls I chatted with regularly, wondering if they've wondered where the hell I've got to.
But hey, am I really being that naive? I doubt they've even give it a seconds thought, how frickin gullible am I?
Once I had that bit sorted in my head, it has made an incredible difference.
I am now focusing what is more important to me, my wife & family.
I have even shared this with my mother. Her reaction was very warm & supportive too, sounds like a bot of "de ja vous" , it seems my father had a similar problem, mother & I had a good chat and I feel another 10 feet taller, (which at 5' 8" is an achievement in itself).

Seriously though, I'm feeling good in myself, I'm feeling good about all that's around me, but I really need to stay focused on the goal and watch my little green line grow day by day.
I'm still in the woods, but the meadows are getting closer.

Again, to all of you out there on your journeys, I wish you nothing but success and hope you reach your goals.

If I don't get the chance before hand, I wish you & yours very best wishes to you all for Christmas

 

And we both could murder a cigarette right now