Help with how to support my husband in a reboot

Thank you for sharing your story. As a matter of fact, I'm doing exactly the same thing with my wife right now, and we never expected it to be this good just after 2 weeks in.

First of all, your husband coming up with the 90 day challenge is the best thing that could happen. That shows that he recognized the problem and is willing to work on self improvement. It took me over a decade to realize that. I highly recommend the website yourbrainonporn.com (I'm a new member, can't post links yet) to learn about all the effects of porn, masturbation, pair bonding etc. It was nothing short of eye opening for both my wife and me.

The challenge allowed us to connect on a whole different level. It feels like the honeymoon that we never had, even though I continue going to work. You might want to check out my first post on this forum for more details. We took sex out of the equation and replaced it with compassion, gentle touches, lots of kisses, cuddling and spending more time together overall.

Regarding his porn flashbacks, there are articles on yourbrainonporn on that as well ("tools for change" - "solo tools"). There are ways he can actively fight them.

If you decide to abstain from masturbation as well is up for discussion between the two of you. I don't say it's bad no matter what, but I can see why it's beneficial as part of the 90 day reboot challenge. Every orgasm messes with your brain chemistry to some extent, and I would recommend to focus on the ocytocin (cuddle/bonding hormone) side of things and less on the dopamine side. If you'd rather not jeopardize his challenge with weak self-control, there's nothing wrong with keeping yourself happy either, as long as you talk openly about it with him.

Just yesterday, some heavy cuddling led to my wife politely asking for an orgasm, which I was more than eager to provide. She broke out in tears afterwards as the post-orgasm sobriety kicked in, in fear that she might have triggered me in a way that would lead to a relapse. She vowed that she will abstain from orgasms until the very end of my challenge now.

I wish both of you the very best, and I have deepest respect for your willingness to educate yourself and support your husband in this. I dearly hope that it allows you to connect to each other again.

 

Hello fupornwife,

Welcome to the forum. As far as connecting with your husband outside the bedroom, we have a tool that I'll find and post later. (I had a bf like that, we couldn't function outside the bedroom. That was painful for me.)

ALSO, what does the "fu" mean. I only know one version of it, so I was wondering BUT if it is your initials, you please don't give your name here.


OK, about your question:

Regarding your question, I think it's a personal choice. I guess you have to decide between the things you said above. Is it harming your relationship? In the long run, will finding easier replacements than each other cause you to continue to turn away from each other? But I think you answered it for yourself here, "If we do just no O unless we're together, that would probably be good for our relationship."

PERSONAL, BUT...
Now, I don't think masturbation is a bad thing at all. That being said, I do think it can cause couples to not connect with each other, and that's one of the reasons I only O with my hubby.

It's one thing if I can't be intimate with him because there's a breakdown between us--I take it as sign we need to discuss something. Our relationship would be at a different place, if the same scenario is true yet I never have to confront the issue because turning to solo-sex instead, and the issue drives us further apart.

But you may also want to keep the following in mind…

THE CHEMICALS
Also something to keep in mind: When a woman O's with her SO (or even when there's not a relationship), theres a chemical is released that bonds her to him (oxytocin). There are also chemicals in his semen that her body absorbs and it gives her a feeling of well-being, etc.

And when a man O's, if he loves her, he will have a big release of bonding chemicals too, although he doesn't have as big of a release of oxytocin, which is why he doesn't bond to women he doesn't care for women.

In men, oxytocin lowers the testosterone. With a woman he loves, more oxycoticin is released which leads to the hormone prolactin. The more love, the more prolactin, which lowers his interest in sex and keeps him from being interested in other females, especially his daughters. Prolactin helps him be satisfied with one woman. He will never be satisfied by women he doesn't care for (hence the addictive nature of porn and impersonal sex--it never satisfies; it can't satisfy, therefore he needs more of it in an effort to be satisfied). Also he needs no recovery time after impersonal sex.

Hope that helps.

 

Here's the connection tool I mentioned:

FANOS (original article). This is a tool that my hubby and I use to stay connected. Here is how it works, each one covers the following:
F - Feeling. "I am feeling a little worn out because of my work schedule, and my shoulder hurts. I am also feeling pain and nervousness over the distance between us."
A - Acknowledge. "I want to thank you for your honesty last week. I know it wasn't easy, but you were my hero!"
N - Need. "I need you to take out the trash and I need to connect with you again tomorrow."
O* - Ownership. "I own that I haven't been appreciating all you've been doing around here. I also own that I used the silent treatment against you instead of talking to you when ___. (you will also want to apologize, for some of these)
S - Sobriety. "I felt a little tempted with that guy at work today. I want to shine a light on this to stay sober, but also to use it as a sign that there may be too much distance between us."

*Ownership has to do with owning a mistake you made in the relationship--either recently or in the past. ALSO NOTE, this is not the time to bash each other over what they're owning.

You share and he shares. At first we did the FANOS every day, then later, we'd use it when we felt the distance creeping.

It's a way to connect in 5 minutes or less on the REAL stuff going on inside us.

 

Ahh… gotcha. I like it!

 

I am hoping with you!

 

I look forward to seeing you out here from time to time.

 

Thank you so much for your positive feedback. I hope we could bring some hope to your suffering mind.

Please keep us in mind whenever you need someone to talk to, despite your social media timeout.

All the best for you & your husband!

 

I do the "real sex with the wife only" thing. No more porn watching, no more masturbation. I need that to cure my addiction. I need that to re-learn how to real sex with her. Re-learn to appreciate sexuality with her as the only game in town. She likes it. She doesn't M to O herself. I don't know why, I think she is shameful if she does.

I had PIED, so stopping to pleasure myself by other means than sex with the wife is what caused my ED. I'm cured now, but I still go on with my plan.

The only sex (and only sex thoughts) are kept for the bedroom with the wife. It works pretty good. I don't have invasive sex thoughts all the time anymore.

 

Welcome back. I believe that spending time on a forum to help your husband/marriage is time well spent, but YMMV.

How are things working out for the two of you? Did you start the 90 day challenge already? Would love to hear about your progress!

 

That's the kind of self reflection I needed for the past 10-15 years.

 

So are you going for 90 days hard mode for both of you? Let us know how it works out for you.
I read about KARESSA, an orgasm-less exercise in loving without O. Not sure about that for myself. I feel like I would get frustrated.